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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry that my OH is going to be a rubbish dad?

93 replies

HungryPanda92 · 04/04/2020 12:17

My OH is currently in a foul mood because I've told him he has to do the shopping today. Every since I mentioned it he's been snappy with me and we've now not spoken for two hours. I'm 14 weeks pregnant and with the shops only allowing one adult from each household it makes sense he goes as I'm meant to be social distancing. He suffers from some anxiety but nothing to stop him from going to the shop. He doesn't drive so I'd still have to drive us there but I can't see why he can't go in while I wait in the car. The thing is I normally do most of the household tasks and chores even though he works half the hours I do. Now I'm working from home full time and he's on furlough and he's still done nothing to help me in the two weeks he's been off.

I see all these posts about people's partners looking after them while they're pregnant. Making an extra effort or whatever but mine just doesn't seem bothered at all. I'm worried if that's his attitude now how is he going to cope with the extra strain a baby is going to bring?

(sorry for the long rant - didn't realise how much this was all bothering me till I started writing)

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Cheesepleas3 · 04/04/2020 12:46

If you asked him to do the shopping then YANBU.
If you told him to do the shopping, YABVU.
I'd tell my DP to fuck off if he told me to do anything!

CurryGoat · 04/04/2020 12:46

You are not being unreasonable. Sadly, it looks like he's using the silent treatment to manipulate you, make you question yourself and feel guilty for asking his help. I lived in a similar marriage, eventually I stopped asking him to help and did everything myself. Everything included being a parent to my children. He's an ex now, and it's amazing! I no longer need to walk on eggshells!

I truly hope I am wrong about your DH, but sulking about shopping may then become sulking about changing nappies, feeding your baby, etc.

h3av3n · 04/04/2020 12:50

Leave him as soon as you can, it will only get worse
Also for the people saying she chose this, umm it's not that simple, they don't exactly show this behaviour at first!

Aquamarine1029 · 04/04/2020 12:50

Start making your exit plan now, because this is only going to get worse.

User202004 · 04/04/2020 12:51

Well he's not a very a good partner or grown adult generally so I can see why you'd be concerned. It's a bit late now though, it's difficult to try and change someone. I would start having the conversation ASAP, he's got a lot to learn.

Original poster

HungryPanda92 · 04/04/2020 12:52

I get exactly what everyone is saying about "why have a baby in the first place?" The fact is I do love him and he loves me. We've been together over 6 years and I've always wanted children. It just seemed like it was time. I guess I just didn't think about the equilibrium of the relationship so much until the last few weeks. I just get on with things and it's never been an issue. If there's a bit of DIY or whatever that needs doing I just do it. Same with the housework. In fairness I'm a bit of a control freak and he's always been rubbish at that stuff so it's always seemed easier for me to just get on with it.

The thing is everything has changed with all our lives in light of the pandemic and its made me think a lot more about how things are going to end up when baby comes. Maybe I'm just an idiot... Thanks for the opinions everyone x

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 04/04/2020 12:52

Yeah, sorry, he's going to be a shit dad and partner. Did you not think about this earlier?

JudyCoolibar · 04/04/2020 12:53

Has he explained why he thinks it's such a dreadful imposition to walk round a shop that it justifies a foul mood?

Original poster

HungryPanda92 · 04/04/2020 12:55

Oh and to those saying about whether I told or asked yes I did tell him. He told me we we're going to have to go to the shops and I told him he'd have to go in. Maybe I could have phrased the whole request better and that's on me.

OP posts:

User202004 · 04/04/2020 12:55

I guess I just didn't think about the equilibrium of the relationship so much until the last few weeks. I just get on with things and it's never been an issue.

It's time you started thinking about it, you're about to be loaded with fuck load more with a baby, don't expect him to just change his spots when the baby is born, he won't.

The fact you work more, do the majority of the housework, and will no doubt do all of the parenting, AND you're the only driver. You're life is about to get monumentally shit unless you get a grip of this ASAP. Just look at the relationship boards, it's the same story again and again.

User202004 · 04/04/2020 12:56

*your

Aquamarine1029 · 04/04/2020 13:00

Ignoring reality and "getting on with things" is very, very easy until you throw a baby into the mix. Now your eyes are opening to just how shit your partner is. No one is rubbish at doing basic household chores, they're just lazy and selfish. His attitude is why should he get off his arse when he know you will do everything, and this will carry on when the baby arrives, too.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 04/04/2020 13:01

To be fair, I think many of us didn’t realise we had married a manchild until the kids came along. My ExH was not at all lazy but he was very selfish, I didn’t notice how he always had to come (absolutely) first until he started eating the baby food jars I had packed when we were out of the house. Before then, I thought we were just a bit independent and appreciated some time to do our own things.

CaryStoppins · 04/04/2020 13:01

He's a rubbish husband so yes, he will be a rubbish dad.

He's already lazy and selfish and thinks housework is woman's work. When you have the baby he will still be lazy and selfish and will think that housework and childcare is woman's work, and he will be put out that you are stressed and exhausted and not giving him all your attention anymore.

WickedlyPetite · 04/04/2020 13:02

Yeah he's a shit partner and will probably be a useless dad.

Fingers crossed for you that you don't need a c-section, if he's like this about having to do a bit of shopping, god only knows what he'll be like if you follow post-op rules and don't drive or lift anything heavier than a cup of tea for 6 weeks.

Do you have close family and friends that can help you when the baby arrives?

CaryStoppins · 04/04/2020 13:04

Maybe I could have phrased the whole request better and that's on me.
No, you shouldn't needed to tiptoe around him and phrase your request better to get him to do his fair share. He should just do his fair share!
The fact that he is selfish and trying to wriggle out of his responsibilities as an adult is 100% on him, not on you not begging sweetly enough.

Wolfiefan · 04/04/2020 13:05

You want a child and you love him? Doesn’t mean he would make a good father.
He leaves everything to you? Fine before.
Not fine when you’re dealing with a sick child or exhausted because you haven’t slept a whole night in months.
He’s not going to change.

WtfIsThisEven · 04/04/2020 13:05

Sounds like a classic loser to me.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 04/04/2020 13:06

... but yours is on a different league, he will not help you to bring that child up, he would keep tripping you and pulling you down when are tryig your best.

With the experience I now have I realise that I should have left him as soon as he started to put his interests first at the detriment of mine but then I was still in love and didn’t want to sacrifice his dreams, including the one of having children. 15 years on I can report I have raiding his “dream” on my very own for more than 10 years and both Dream and I are happier, safer and more economically estable since his dad disappeared from our lives claiming he had a life to live.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 04/04/2020 13:08

I have been RAISING his dream, Blake the autocorrect.

beachbreeze · 04/04/2020 13:08

Sorry, never had a selfish or lazy one change.

Piglet89 · 04/04/2020 13:09

the thing is everything has changed with all our lives with the pandemic

Everything’s about to change a hell of a lot more once your baby arrives.

I also did the lion’s share of housework in our marriage before our baby arrived. I never really minded as I also am a bit of a control freak about that stuff.

After our child arrived, I was recovering from a C section. The laundry and basically the repetitive domestic drudgery involved in looking after a newborn caused the domestic work to increase by a factor of about a gazillion and I started resenting the smallest things. The best way I can describe it is - before, there was some “flex” in my tolerance level for his domestic thoughtlessness (classic example would be his emptying the bin - but not putting in a fresh bun liner). After the baby, these little things drove me absolutely insane; that “flex” disappeared and there was no more “give in the system”. We were both sleep-deprived, I found looking after a wee baby incredibly stressful, demanding and energy-zapping and we had our most explosive rows ever during that first 6 months of our son’s life. Many were conflicts resulting from issues I simply did not predict.

So if he’s like this now, I would say it doesn’t bode well for the future. Definitely have a chat with him and outline your concerns.

LannieDuck · 04/04/2020 13:09

The thing is I normally do most of the household tasks and chores even though he works half the hours I do. Now I'm working from home full time and he's on furlough and he's still done nothing to help me in the two weeks he's been off.

This is a big problem, OP. Why does he think you should be doing all the chores? Does he think it's women's work? Or is he just plain lazy and doesn't care about dumping on you? Either way, really not good :/

Go back to basics. Have a chat with him about all the household chores. Ask how he thinks they should be divided (esp since he's currently furloughed)? Divide them up clearly and in writing, then hold him to it. Leave him to deal with the consequences if he doesn't do his share (i.e. he's supposed to be cooking and he didn't bother to wash up the night before? don't jump in to do it for him.)

Also it would be a good time to broach the subject of parental leave. I bet he's assumed you'll do all the childcare when the baby arrives? So start from the assumption he'll be doing half and see how he reacts. Ask how much parental leave he's planning to take - 3 months, or 4-5 months? Suggest he takes it at the end of your mat leave because it will make more financial sense. I think making sure he takes his share of parental leave is pretty much essential in his case.

Potterspotter · 04/04/2020 13:09

I didn’t have an upfront conversation about expectations for split of childcare, chores, routine etc when I was pg. Perhaps it’s time to do that as you’re 14 weeks?

It never occurred to me for example that we wouldn’t have the expectation to split things equally as we both worked FT, a wide ranging conversation before the dc arrived would’ve helped hugely and saved a lot of mismatched expectations fights.

Some people aren’t good with one off requests, but might perform better with clear, routine expectations.

HavenDilemma · 04/04/2020 13:11

@PotteringAlong You clearly weren’t worried about him being a good father 4 months ago so why have you changed your mind since?

How DARE you?! Shaming OP for getting pregnant (sometimes protection fails ) when she is clearly upset & worried? Appalling behaviour

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