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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my mother and sister to babysit my daughters.

131 replies

YouDoYou18 · 03/04/2020 07:33

I’m pregnant and have a consultant appointment at the end of May, and will then have four more between then and my due date at the beginning of August.

I’m hoping this lockdown will have made a little progress by then but assuming we’re in the same position... I can’t take my children to the women’s hospital, and my husband can’t take the time off (I have to have weekly midwife appointments which he’s gotten the time off for, he simply can’t take anymore).

The only people left are my mother and sister, they always babysit together as they are from the same household, they are both shielding (neither had a letter but mother due to a disability and sister just because she lives with her) we are also shielding due to pregnancy complications, so none of us have been outside. There is no one else I can ask, they’re already totally happy with it but I’m concerned we’ll get into trouble, but I have to go to my appointments.

Can I call 111 and get advice on what the law is surrounding this?! Or is that just silly?

AIBU?

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 03/04/2020 08:35

Wait until May to sort this out. In the meantime, google 101 and 111 and understand what they are for. And neither are designed to help you sort out an appointment.

Zoeyclash · 03/04/2020 08:37

I know it must be extra stressful to be pregnant in these uncertain times. But you have more than 6 weeks to plan how you will manage to get to your hospital appointment. Try not to worry about it for at least another 4 weeks. See how the situation pans out during that time and then you will be in a better position to make plans for your hospital visit.

Original poster
YouDoYou18 · 03/04/2020 08:39

@AlwaysCheddar I corrected myself, it’s an easy mistake to make. And honestly I just thought in current times with the law and rules on this so hazy that the actual police would be able to tell me plainly what we’re allowed to do. I won’t call them.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 03/04/2020 08:40

The guidance says no mixing of households, unless emergency/one off situations. Which this is.

I get public transport to babysit for my key worker DD. So do many others, this is allowed.

Doing stuff like this isn't 'keeping lock down going'. We are waiting to free up beds. When we were all complacent over the last month, people were becoming infected. Judging by the pictures of the tube/warehoyses etc, we will get more waves.

Obce we do get out of lock down, we will then start to become infected and we will get waves.

All we are doing is helping the NHS cope and giving some people a, better chance of survival. Not all because we can't save a % regardless.

OP, the babysitting is fine for hospital appointments. But be careful when picking up the children, in regards to your Mum. It would be better if your Sister does hand over.

scubadive · 03/04/2020 08:40

Your DH boss needs to give time off in these unusual circumstances. Can he offer to make up the hours?

Explain that everyone is self isolating and as DH is still working you can’t get cover.

HoppingPavlova · 03/04/2020 08:43

I don’t understand, and you have not justified, why your DH can’t take leave (unpaid if necessary).

PurpleDaisies · 03/04/2020 08:46

If he is a critical key worker you could look into the possibility of using a childminder.

How is using a child minder any different to using family?

Children are still being looked after by families where it is the only option. I would consider this a sensible option if your dh can’t shift his work around.

Original poster
YouDoYou18 · 03/04/2020 08:51

@HoppingPavlova unpaid parental leave can only be taken in blocks of weeks, which we can’t afford. Time of for antenatal appointments only applies to two appointments, which he used for the 12 and 20 week scan. He has already sorted time off weekly for appointments and then moved things around to accommodate. They can’t accommodate any more time off at the moment. Honestly I’m not even mad at his work, technically this isn’t their problem and I get they’re already struggling at present, it’s just awful timing!
And no lives depend on his job, he’s technically classed as a key worker and works with food. I agree that he’s not critical like the NHS but that doesn’t mean I can expect him to just walk out of work really, I just don’t know how much to push his work.

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 03/04/2020 08:54

Having had a high risk pregnancy myself it is essential that you attend your appointments. This is a difficult situation, and I can't see that anyone other than your husband can look after the children.
Surely your husband will need to take leave when the baby is born anyway? Is he a key worker?

Is it just me having to lie down at the thought that the OP will have three children under the age of two when the baby is born? Shock

Original poster
YouDoYou18 · 03/04/2020 08:56

@Ginfordinner No I also had to lie down at the thought 😂 we always wanted our children really close together, I just wish I’d considered pandemics when we made that decision 😂

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 03/04/2020 08:57

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I hope it goes well for you Flowers

mrssunshinexxx · 03/04/2020 08:57

OP most hospitals are cancelling a lot of face to face apps and changing to phone calls even for consultant led so you may be ok

silver1977 · 03/04/2020 08:59

Surely if you have a high risk pregnancy your DH should be at home self isolating as a household??!

Or have I misunderstood something.

bumblebeefairy · 03/04/2020 09:04

Another to add that your husband just needs to take the time off. These are exceptional circumstances and this employer will have to understand.

meonekton · 03/04/2020 09:08

Can't weekly midwife apps be done by phone? Then your DH doesn't need to take time off for them, and can take time off for consultant apps, if it's done face to face.

Original poster
YouDoYou18 · 03/04/2020 09:14

@silver1977 The advice for pregnancy is so hazy at the moment because they honestly don’t know what the risks are. But overall we’re not shut in for 12 weeks unless you’re pregnant with a significant congenital heart disease.

@meonekton nope I’ve already asked, I physically have to go in to have my BP and urine checked, and it has to be no more than 7 days apart

OP posts:
Roweeeeena · 03/04/2020 09:18

I'm really shocked at other women dismissing the need for a pregnant woman to attend appointments for a high risk pregnancy. What the fuck. OP please do not cancel or ask for phone consultations unless the hospital actually advises this for you. I am had a growth scan a week ago. The hospital called the day before to make sure I was attending. I'm glad I did go because I will need to have my baby early which was completely unexpected as previous scans have been absolutely fine.
My husband will be watching our children when I go in and my mum will be my birthing partner. Again, consultant aware of this plan and completely happy.
People are still using public transport, people are still meeting friends for walks, people are still finding flimsy excuses to make life easier for themselves when it isn't necessary. You being able to access the appropriate medical care for you and your baby is absolutely essential. Don't ask on here, many users have appointed themselves as informal covid police and its bordering on dangerous when women are encouraged to stop attending crucial appointments. MNQH should be removing the posts.

Isadora2007 · 03/04/2020 09:19

Definitely attend your appt. Whoever goes out for the food shop (sister? Dad?) from your family can come to you to babysit. Don’t worry so much as it is weeks away and things may have changed a little by then. Good luck.

RainbowFlowers · 03/04/2020 09:21

I think it would be fine to use your family for childcare as its essential. Please dont cancel any appointments, talk to midwives just to make sure they all have to he face to face.

You have to do the safest thing possible and it seems like the safest thing to do is to attend all appointments and have your child looked after.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 03/04/2020 09:24

Dh can go to consultant appointments but not to the midwife ones.

Nomorepies · 03/04/2020 09:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

pinkyredrose · 03/04/2020 09:31

Why on earth does his parental leave need to be booked in blocks of a week? So if there's an emergency he can't take one day he needs to take a week whether he needs it or not? I'd look into this, it sounds quite odd.

nettie434 · 03/04/2020 09:33

Agree with Roweeeeena that you have been given these appointments for a reason. The consultant’s secretary and the midwife will be able to give you advice on the best thing to do in your circumstances. FWIW, I would have thought that asking your mother and sister to babysit counted as a ‘medical’ reason which is allowed. However, that’s just my opinion and your maternity service will be the best source of advice.

Let’s hope things have eased up a bit by the end of May. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Maryann1975 · 03/04/2020 09:45

I’m intrigued as to what your dh does that makes him so important he can’t have time off to have the dc. If he’s a doctor, fair enough. But if he is a ‘key worker‘ at somewhere a bit flimsy like sports Direct he needs to sort it out. If he isn’t a key worker and your dc childcare had closed (I appreciate you are at home at the moment but if I they went to nursery), he would have had to step up and look after his dc, So I see this as a similar thing.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 03/04/2020 09:46

I believe it is very likely that your routine appointment in May will be cancelled. So I would not worry about this, yet.