Am I just being a controlling douche?

[helpmeout6]

DP and I are meant to get married next year

I think we have a few problems that need to be ironed out before we commit for life but ignoring those...

DP wanted a weekend long event so fine I didn't care, I just wanted the wedding! In my dream world I'd have a one day affair with the closest to me staying over and a very close family thing.

He wanted this weekend event so he got it, we found a venue that did it and booked it, all good.
However the venue is 1 hour 20 (by car) from big Night Club in famous City which is always the centre of tv shows.
He keeps "joking" that the night before the wedding day (I.e. one of the days he wanted the event to be, so the Friday and we marry Saturday) he keeps saying that him and the boys (like 3 of them) would go to said night club.

For obvious reasons this is disgraceful, the guests would be there and we'd be paying for their accommodation - we've rented the whole venue for a weekend.

He keeps saying it's a joke and in reality I don't think it could even come to fruition. But he KNOWS it upsets me. My friend's boyfriend (who DP is now very close to) even told him to stop it as he could see it upset me.

Every time tears prick in my eyes. It's already not my dream wedding and then on top of the organisation (he says what he wants but will not actually organise anything because he's not very good at it) it will all fall on me.

Even if it is a joke, this is maybe the 20th time he's said it? How would his friends know it's a joke? Does he not realise how much it gets to me?

I just didn't envisage this type of event. I always expected whoever I marry to just care about "us" and want to marry me and that's what it's about!

He's already organising his stag do which caused annoyance as he kept saying Las Vegas "as a joke" despite having somewhat of a gambling problem and we don't have money for that and neither do his friends. That's finally been dropped, but he is still going away for several days abroad (fine whatever) so why try to upset me?

Are you sure you want to spend your life with him?

@currygoat right now, no. But he said I'm being controlling so I need to know if I am or if I'm justified. I can't see how I'm wrong :(

Who could be arsed with this? Seriously, you’ll be on here in a few years, complaining that he’s always out drinking leaving you at home with dc. Just get rid.

I think we have a few problems that need to be ironed out before we commit for life but ignoring those...

What, you have problems worse than having a P who likes to wind you up when he knows it upsets you, has a gambling problem and tells you what he wants but expects you to make it happen???

Is he trying to show you how the land lies? That being able to go out drinking with his mates will always be more important than you regardless of how upset it makes you?

There is no somewhat ova gambling problem. There is a gambling problem. Dont marry it. Aside from all the other red flags.

When someone truly loves you and wants you to be happy they don't treat you like that...

Don’t marry someone with a gambling problem. Just don’t. Get out now.

There are countless threads here which should be a cautionary tale.

He’s mentioned it like 20 times? Does he think he’s funny? Or does he do this repeating thing a lot? I hesitate to mention any learning difficulties, but I cannot understand why he would repeat this 20 times!

He’s annoying you now: do you actually want to marry him at all?

Your relationship sounds tense already, at a time when it should be fairly plain sailing. Nothing you have said makes it sound like you are a good match, sorry.
Think long and hard about this one

Well he isn't going to magically change after getting married. If hes being a knob now its a sign of whats to come. Its not controlling to expect your partner not to try and upset you for a laugh.

I’m not impressed by his thoughtless and inconsiderate behaviour, and certainly not keen on men with gambling problems. Not good. Not good at all. I’d be wanting to compromise with my DH-to be, not expecting it all my way or all his way. Seems like you’re the only one compromising. What’s wrong with booking a local nice place for a one day thing. He’s an ass.

The gambling problem I'll say is from a casino style perspective, which he never goes to probably because of me!

@cherrysoup he's said it to people over the past 8 months around 20 different times now.

Just don’t marry him
Your relationship has got trouble written all over it

He’s either got a sick sense of humour or he’s hoping you’ll agree to it. Either way he’s an idiot with a gambling problem, not great husband material really.

Your justified
He's a insensitive guy who is making it all about him.
I think gambling is one addiction no one recovers from.
Have a google on the personality traits of a gambler and rethink what your life may be in a few years.

sounds like a catch

If you're living together, a few months of self isolation /social distancing will resolve your problems.
You'll wake up to what a dick he is and change your mind.

He's not interested in making you happy.

I think we have a few problems that need to be ironed out before we commit for life but ignoring those...

This seems like an odd thing to say on its own.
Adding in gambling issues (which it sounds like he doesn't take seriously) and his seeming lack of respect towards your feelings, I'd be having serious thoughts about the whole thing.

I think we have a few problems that need to be ironed out before we commit for life but ignoring those...

Grown ups sort that out before they say yes nevermind book a venue.

Cancel the wedding and engagement. You aren't ready to commit to this guy.

Here is the biggest piece of advice you'll get - you can't change people to be who or want you want. If they aren't what you want by now, walk away. Don't waste time you'll later regret.

The issues we have centre around problems from both our parts - I'm starting to see that our issues are quite big and potentially destructive long term - or we could be insanely fiery

The gambling thing - everyday life I have no qualms, hes good a trustworthy with money, but going to a casino and his habits from 10 years ago would arise.
Otherwise gambling doesn't play part in our lives and he does listen to me.

The call he just mentioned going to said night club in isn't even a call I should have heard, our house has no soundproofing. So not a "joke"

You dont sound happy. You already hate your wedding. He keeps winding you up, knowing makes you upset. He calls you controlling.
Why are you doing this?
I'm guessing you have kids together?
Run for the hills

He sounds like a massive pain in the neck. Is any of this making you even slightly happy? Can't you just hit eject and cancel the wedding?

Honestly, OP, I would reconsider the idea of marriage to this man.

He has a gambling problem, your choices for the wedding have not been taken into consideration, your fiancé keeps needling at you when he knows he's upsetting you and he is planning a stag do when there isn't sufficient money for it.

Has he got any good points? If you're so uncertain and stressed now, things are going to get much worse after the wedding.
It sounds like it will be a very, very expensive wedding, which maybe you cannot afford.

Your feelings are not being treated as valuable, are they?

Have a long, hard think about this. It just hasn't got Happy Ever After written on it, the way you depict it.