Am I just being a controlling douche?

[helpmeout6]

DP and I are meant to get married next year

I think we have a few problems that need to be ironed out before we commit for life but ignoring those...

DP wanted a weekend long event so fine I didn't care, I just wanted the wedding! In my dream world I'd have a one day affair with the closest to me staying over and a very close family thing.

He wanted this weekend event so he got it, we found a venue that did it and booked it, all good.
However the venue is 1 hour 20 (by car) from big Night Club in famous City which is always the centre of tv shows.
He keeps "joking" that the night before the wedding day (I.e. one of the days he wanted the event to be, so the Friday and we marry Saturday) he keeps saying that him and the boys (like 3 of them) would go to said night club.

For obvious reasons this is disgraceful, the guests would be there and we'd be paying for their accommodation - we've rented the whole venue for a weekend.

He keeps saying it's a joke and in reality I don't think it could even come to fruition. But he KNOWS it upsets me. My friend's boyfriend (who DP is now very close to) even told him to stop it as he could see it upset me.

Every time tears prick in my eyes. It's already not my dream wedding and then on top of the organisation (he says what he wants but will not actually organise anything because he's not very good at it) it will all fall on me.

Even if it is a joke, this is maybe the 20th time he's said it? How would his friends know it's a joke? Does he not realise how much it gets to me?

I just didn't envisage this type of event. I always expected whoever I marry to just care about "us" and want to marry me and that's what it's about!

He's already organising his stag do which caused annoyance as he kept saying Las Vegas "as a joke" despite having somewhat of a gambling problem and we don't have money for that and neither do his friends. That's finally been dropped, but he is still going away for several days abroad (fine whatever) so why try to upset me?

He is telling you exactly who he is, and how he sees his future.

You are secondary to everything, his friends, his gambling, his night club wedding. He does not respect you at all, and this will get worse once you are married and stuck with him.

It is going to be a big decision to pull out of the wedding, and a bigger one still to call time on the relationship but sorting out one mortgage is going to be very different to the stresses of dividing up childcare for a life time and putting your future children through a divorce, an inevitable divorce.

You are all set to make a very very big mistake, this man is happy to see you cry for a cheap entertainment, he is happy to put your through a wedding that you don't even want! He is happy to put his needs before yours - every single time.

Save yourself the agony and heartache of years of marriage and pull out now. Your future self will thank you a thousand times. You have had a near miss.

The bit that gets me is ‘on top of the organisation (he says what he wants but will not actually organise anything because he's not very good at it) it will all fall on me.’

That won’t get any better, he’s a little boy not stepping up to be adult. What else do you do everything about?

How exactly are you controlling? He is getting exactly what he wants. And make no mistake he will end up in that club the night before your wedding. Leaving you in the venue to entertain all the guests (that he has insisted should be there.)

He will stumble in about 4 or 5 in the morning and be tired and hung over for your wedding day.

He is not joking when he tells you. He tells you he is joking in an effort to wear you down. And when the night comes he will tell you that the lads have organised it and he can't back out.

It is very very difficult to walk away from a life you are setting up. But it is also very difficult to live a life with a partner who doesn't respect you, your wishes or your feelings. Every relationship needs compromise. But compromise is supposed to work two ways.

What are the relationship issues APART from all this stuff?

@Bluntness100 you can't have the groom going clubbing all night before he gets married. Give over.

I think you need to put it all on hold. I'd sit down with him and say that you have already compromised on your ideal wedding day so you are clearly not controlling. I'd say if the wedding does go ahead, he needs to be involved 50% in the planning and preparation. I'd be extremely wary of what he is planning to get up to "abroad for a few days" on his stag (especially given his money issues!). Honestly this all sounds like a massive excuse to party for him. Call him out on it - why is he constantly "joking" about clubbing during your wedding weekend? Is that what is important to him? Why did he think Vegas an appropriate venue for his stag given his gambling problem? I'd point out to him he can go clubbing/party at any time so why does your wedding (a hopefully once in a lifetime event) need to revolve around it?

Postpone it, think it through, keep a close eye on his behaviour in general (is he selfish? Caring? Unkind? Thoughtless?) and then decide if you actually want to be with this man for the rest of your life.

Oh god, sounds awful. Please don't marry him. He sounds like a total man child and it won't get better. If you have kids it will get a million times worse. You'll fo all three graft while he acts like a teenager and if you object he'll tell you that you're boring and controlling.

Re the nightclub thing. His "jokes" are either preparing you for the fact that he's going to do it anyway, or he isn't but he finds it amusing to wind you up even though it obviously upsets you. Either way, he's a complete dick. Dump dump dump.

Why would you marry him??? Read the threads about partners complaining about their man-child. That’s what your going to get.

Hmm, I'm just divorcing one who claimed I was controlling who similarly would get what he wanted by making announcements about it while I was expected to do the actual work and not being remotely interested in my needs.

Does he care about what you want? Is it just you pandering to his wishes? Do you want to live like that for the rest of your life with someone who doesn't truly care about you?

He has a casino gambling problem but thinks "joking" about a Vegas stag do is appropriate?

The current lockdown gives a couple of weeks maybe more to have a think about this. You probably wont be asked or expected to pay out money to venues etc during lockdown either.
Properly think this through.
No he shouldn't be going clubbing anywhere all night before his wedding, regardless of how far it is from the venue.
That's the first thing. I'd approach that first. if he mentions it again, sit him down calmly and say that he wanted a weekend wedding and you insist that he doesn't ditch you to entertain everyone at a venue you didnt want.

Tell him he can go clubbing there one night soon or after the wedding. But not the night before.
The way he reacts will be a good starting point to consider the rest.

Married life is long and has its ups and downs. You need someone who will always have your back. This guy won't, I absolutely guarantee.

OP, I've been in the situation (and know many more) where an ongoing 'joke' had suddenly become reality, it will be a last minute thing where he feels he can't say no ... etc etc. It will have been pre planned but he will tell you he knew nothing about it.
You don't sound happy or compatible, please reconsider.

They aren't jokes, they are what he wants to do. He is telling you who he is here. Rather than thinking these are things to work on, you should listen. Is this man, just the way he is right now, who you want to tie yourself to?

Ask yourself if you would be happy to spend the rest of your life with things being exactly as they are now. Not with him changing in ways he's promised to/you hoping he will, not with him having a revelation and seeing things your way, not when he's grown up a bit, not even when whatever external factors that you think may be affecting his behaviour have resolved - just as he is right now, forever.

Would you be happy with that? I get the impression you wouldn't be. I get the feeling that you are marrying this person because of how you hope he will change for the better, not because of how he is right now.

That's not a smart thing to do.

Every time he “joked” I would look him dead in the eye and reply “that’s fine, but know that if you go, you’ll be waiting a really long time at the altar the next day.” And I’d mean it.

Actually, I wouldn’t be marrying anyone who enjoyed upsetting me in the first place. It won’t get better now, will it? Having children with him would be horrendous, his life wouldn’t change while you’d be stuck at home as the default caregiver. Nah, sack him off, whatever you lose in deposits is cheap to be rid.

He sounds mean, enjoying upsetting you and showing you up in front of people.
He sounds like a ‘proper laaaaaad’ loving the events, the partying etc.

I don’t mean this in a patronising way, have you both discussed marriage and not just the wedding? The wedding is a day (or two in your case!) but the marriage is for life. It can be a tough slog sometimes, ups and downs with each other and going through shit together as a team.

Really really think if you think he’ll be a good life partner and support system for you. However hard it’ll be, it’ll be easier to pull out of a relationship and soon to be wedding then get married and then divorce

Can you cancel the venue? I would do that first.
Then you need to have a very good think about what you want in life - make a list and put a tick next to the things that he contributes to enriching in your life, and a cross next to the ones he seems to block or not want.

Then you can see if, overall, he is bringing any positives to your life (from your posts, not much but you are the only one who knows).

If you're organising the wedding, you can tell him what you're prepared to organise? and see what his reaction is?

There would be more red flags at that wedding than at a Communist Party convention.

You will bitterly regret marrying him.

He's rather immature. Do you think he'll make a good husband?

The issues we have centre around problems from both our parts - I'm starting to see that our issues are quite big and potentially destructive long term - or we could be insanely fiery

How old are you? I’d leave. If you don’t get on now why do you think it will get better. I’d rather be single than live in an unhappy relationship.

If you can’t split up how about living apart as boyfriend and girlfriend. Keep the sex and dating but dump the serious relationship.

Also, if you plan on having kids do you really think it’s fair to bring kids into an unstable relationship and to chose a knob for their father.

I'd tell him that if he has his heart set on going to this club the night before the wedding, he needs to invite every single wedding guest and he needs to organise in advance for the group's transportation to and from the venue, cover charges, setting up an open or limited bar, and any other expenses. He needs to organise this himself, well in advance, and determine where the money will come from out of the wedding budget. You may have to cut the wedding down to one day.

If he's not willing or able to do this, he should stop talking about it so his friends aren't disappointed when it doesn't happen.

That's not "controlling", that's just (1) helping him get organised since that hasn't proven to be his strong point so far and (2) helping him avoid looking like a rude eejit in front of your guests.

You already know that marrying this man is not a good idea.

In a few years, when you’re in the middle of an expensive and bitter divorce, you’re going to remember this thread and think ‘I wish I’d listened’. Why waste years of your life and thousands upon thousands of pounds? Get out now, with minimal damage.

Hey all, thanks for your comments.

I moaned when the internet went down on his video chat - I then overheard him suddenly changing things "oh I just want the stag to be 2/3 nights somewhere cheap where we can have a good time, her dad, brother, my dad, brother and you guys, only a few of us" etc.
He reiterated its a joke and everyone knows its a joke.

In reality it would be impossible to get to I think - our venue is middle of nowhere, I.e. nearest pub is a half hour walk away, nearest house also half hour, no taxi would take you to the nightclub. He's also spent ages getting ideas about our entertainment on Friday. I think he just thinks it's funny?

A part of me wonders if it's because a lot of people think he's whipped by me - he doesn't go out much, does what I say as far as they see - and it's his kind of protest to pretend he's still "one of the boys"

Either way, not okay. I'm going to have a deep think.

I think we have a few problems that need to be ironed out before we commit for life but ignoring those...

This isn't what people say when they u know getting married is the right decision.

It honestly feels like your priority is the wedding day (or two days) and not the marriage.

Your wedding is an event, the marriage is the lifelong commitment and you two don't sound anywhere near stable and bonded enough as a couple for a healthy marriage.

You aren't happy in the relationship, not really. You're anxious and worried about his behaviour because he is thoughtlessly, he finds your behaviour controlling and annoying.

I know it's shit but I think getting married in this situation is a recipe for disaster.