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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I just being a controlling douche?

102 replies

helpmeout6 · 01/04/2020 22:47

DP and I are meant to get married next year

I think we have a few problems that need to be ironed out before we commit for life but ignoring those...

DP wanted a weekend long event so fine I didn't care, I just wanted the wedding! In my dream world I'd have a one day affair with the closest to me staying over and a very close family thing.

He wanted this weekend event so he got it, we found a venue that did it and booked it, all good.
However the venue is 1 hour 20 (by car) from big Night Club in famous City which is always the centre of tv shows.
He keeps "joking" that the night before the wedding day (I.e. one of the days he wanted the event to be, so the Friday and we marry Saturday) he keeps saying that him and the boys (like 3 of them) would go to said night club.

For obvious reasons this is disgraceful, the guests would be there and we'd be paying for their accommodation - we've rented the whole venue for a weekend.

He keeps saying it's a joke and in reality I don't think it could even come to fruition. But he KNOWS it upsets me. My friend's boyfriend (who DP is now very close to) even told him to stop it as he could see it upset me.

Every time tears prick in my eyes. It's already not my dream wedding and then on top of the organisation (he says what he wants but will not actually organise anything because he's not very good at it) it will all fall on me.

Even if it is a joke, this is maybe the 20th time he's said it? How would his friends know it's a joke? Does he not realise how much it gets to me?

I just didn't envisage this type of event. I always expected whoever I marry to just care about "us" and want to marry me and that's what it's about!

He's already organising his stag do which caused annoyance as he kept saying Las Vegas "as a joke" despite having somewhat of a gambling problem and we don't have money for that and neither do his friends. That's finally been dropped, but he is still going away for several days abroad (fine whatever) so why try to upset me?

OP posts:
Original poster
helpmeout6 · 01/04/2020 23:22

No kids just a very expensive mortgage!

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 01/04/2020 23:26

OP - please be very careful not to become pregnant.

Mortgages and property can be divided relatively easily. Not so children.

Intelinside57 · 01/04/2020 23:31

He's telling you who he is, maybe it's time to listen. Sad Don't invest any more money in this wedding until you've had a good, long, hard think. Sounds like deposits are being paid... don't go any further or book anything yet.
When I say have a think, I don't mean protracted and repeated discussions with him where he pretty much ignores you. I mean sit and think about what is good and not good in this relationship. Picture yourself in 5, 10, 15 years time. Imagine if you have children.

AlexaCrowe · 01/04/2020 23:31

I’m not going to tell you what to do because I’m not you and I don’t know how easy it is for you to leave and how you feel etc but I will tell you this: I have one regret in my life. Getting married. His behaviour got worse immediately after marriage and the marriage lasted months (which I realise is lucky for me, some women are trapped for years in what I went through).

Whatever you decide - good luck Flowers

WhatTiggersDoBest · 01/04/2020 23:33

YANBU.
It's him manipulating you by telling you that you're controlling whenever you tell him you want something. He wants you to ask him, and for you to concede that He Knows Best and that he will do what he wants because he fundamentally doesn't respect you or your opinions.
I went out with a guy like this once. After we split he got very quickly married to someone else and they were separated within a year and fighting over who kept the dog and the baby. I don't think he wanted either, he just didn't want her to have them.

timeisnotaline · 01/04/2020 23:35

It’s not controlling to not want to organise your own wedding to be something you don’t want. I’d say tell him you are only organising a single day wedding but really not sure you should organise a wedding at all with this guy.

Newkitchen123 · 01/04/2020 23:41

You just don't sound suited
It sounds like so much hard work
You should enjoy your time with the person you love not be stressed out by them

mig58 · 01/04/2020 23:41

Get out now.

Inferiorbeing · 01/04/2020 23:48

You literally said you want the wedding.. what about the marriage??
The day after when all of this is over you will be with that man for life (or an expensive hassle of a divorce)
Cancel it and figure it all out first

Waveysnail · 01/04/2020 23:51

Dont get trapped by a mortgage just to stay with him. If you really want him then I'd suggest some relationship counselling sessions. Seperate to decide what you want then together to work through the issues

PawPawNoodle · 02/04/2020 03:10

I dont think I could marry a man that wants to go to Sugar Hut.

Shoxfordian · 02/04/2020 06:20

The wedding venue isn't even that close to this nightclub. He sounds like a knob. Don't marry him if you have other problems as well.

penisbeakers · 02/04/2020 06:30

Why on earth are you marrying this prick?

LagunaBubbles · 02/04/2020 06:38

Look the signs are there. If you choose to ignore them and marry this guy then you have bigger problems than a dick for a partner, surely you're not stupid?

pictish · 02/04/2020 06:42

He sounds like a twat.
Apart from anything else, what does he get out of teasing you to the point of tears? If it is all a big joke, who’s laughing? Not you. Why does it amuse him to see you upset?
That’s what you might want to ask in this situation.

AnduinsGirl · 02/04/2020 06:47

He honestly doesn't sound very nice or that he likes you very much. He's repeatedly mentioning it either to be cruel, or so that when it inevitably happens can will say he warned you plenty of times and how dare you now take this away from him. I dislike the man and I do t even know him!

HotelBravo · 02/04/2020 06:49

At the very least you need to start being much more assertive. You need to tell him a few home truths, and see how he reacts.
Then seriously decide if this is the man you want to be with forever.

JMKid · 02/04/2020 06:53

How old are you both?

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2020 06:55

You seem very different people.

You need to separate out the wedding and his social life.

Firstly why did you agree to a weekend event when the idea upsets you so much? Can you change this?

Secondly. Personally I see no issue with him going late to a nightclub with his friends, and anyone else who wishes to go. These things basically don’t operate till after midnight, However you don’t want him to. Both different views, but he’s a grown up.

Secondly as he’s an adult, and you have no kids, then I think he should be able to have the stag do he wishes, or the holiday he wishes, clearly if he gambles and can’t afford his share of the bills that’s a problem, but are you sure his gambling addiction is as you say or you just don’t want him to go?

I can see both sides here, and it simply tells me you’re deeply incompatible. You’re not happy he wants to do these things, he won’t be happy that you try to stop him. You’re agreeing to a wedding you don’t want.

I just can’t see op how long term you can both be happy. He’s not going to live a life being told what he can and cannot do, and you won’t want to go through this everytime he wants to do something and you wish to stop him.

I’d consider putting the wedding on hold, because unless you both compromise and agree to a life time of that, it’s simply going to be a recipe for disaster.

LorenzoStDubois · 02/04/2020 07:00

What you really need to do is ditch him.

But you're obviously going to marry him no matter what.
Good luck.
You'll be back on here complaining about him, in the fullness of time.

Ponoka7 · 02/04/2020 07:01

"he's said it to people over the past 8 months around 20 different times now."

Because he's hoping that someone will take him up on it and there'll be nothing you can do about it because you've committed to the wedding.

As a pp said, you're both committed to the wedding but not the marriage.

Accusing someone of being controlling when they have reasonable cause to object is manipulation.

What are your other problems?

LassoOfTruth · 02/04/2020 07:08

Too many red flags here OP, I'm sorry. Get out now while it's much easier. He won't change after marriage, regardless of what kind of wedding you have. Gambling problem? Ambivalence to your distress? Manipulation (telling you you're the controlling one)? Laziness (you're organising his dream wedding)? Run a mile and don't look back! Flowers

Jokie · 02/04/2020 07:11

I agree about: he's telling you who he is and maybe it's time to listen.

He doesn't sound like he respects you or your wishes.

Thatnameistaken · 02/04/2020 07:14

He wants the big wedding he wants the long stag do, you have a very expensive mortgage, you don't have a lot of money but he still wants these things.
He has no concept of living within his means.
Coupled with gambling issues you do not want to be legally and financialy shackled to this man any more than you are already with the mortgage.
This man will drag you under.
Please don't marry or have children with him, he's an arsehole.

pussycatinboots · 02/04/2020 07:14

he says what he wants but will not actually organise anything

He's already got you doing the wife-work then?

Don't marry him, you don't trust him and he seems (from what you have written) to enjoy making you unhappy.

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