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Original poster

Am I just being a controlling douche?

102 replies

helpmeout6 · 01/04/2020 22:47

DP and I are meant to get married next year

I think we have a few problems that need to be ironed out before we commit for life but ignoring those...

DP wanted a weekend long event so fine I didn't care, I just wanted the wedding! In my dream world I'd have a one day affair with the closest to me staying over and a very close family thing.

He wanted this weekend event so he got it, we found a venue that did it and booked it, all good.
However the venue is 1 hour 20 (by car) from big Night Club in famous City which is always the centre of tv shows.
He keeps "joking" that the night before the wedding day (I.e. one of the days he wanted the event to be, so the Friday and we marry Saturday) he keeps saying that him and the boys (like 3 of them) would go to said night club.

For obvious reasons this is disgraceful, the guests would be there and we'd be paying for their accommodation - we've rented the whole venue for a weekend.

He keeps saying it's a joke and in reality I don't think it could even come to fruition. But he KNOWS it upsets me. My friend's boyfriend (who DP is now very close to) even told him to stop it as he could see it upset me.

Every time tears prick in my eyes. It's already not my dream wedding and then on top of the organisation (he says what he wants but will not actually organise anything because he's not very good at it) it will all fall on me.

Even if it is a joke, this is maybe the 20th time he's said it? How would his friends know it's a joke? Does he not realise how much it gets to me?

I just didn't envisage this type of event. I always expected whoever I marry to just care about "us" and want to marry me and that's what it's about!

He's already organising his stag do which caused annoyance as he kept saying Las Vegas "as a joke" despite having somewhat of a gambling problem and we don't have money for that and neither do his friends. That's finally been dropped, but he is still going away for several days abroad (fine whatever) so why try to upset me?

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 02/04/2020 10:20

Why on earth are you planning on marrying someone who you admit that you have problems with and who upsets you.

Life can be tough and difficult and your life partner should be there to support you

LannieDuck · 02/04/2020 10:22

If he wants a big wedding, he takes the lead in organising it. I wouldn't organise something I didn't want.

Forget about the wedding for a minute... do you want to be married to him for the rest of your life?

I0NA · 02/04/2020 10:30

You need to stop worrying about the detail of the wedding and start thinking about who he is and why you are marrying him. Everything you have posted says that you are not compatible.

Why are you ignoring these fundamental issue and banging on about his travel plans to a night club or where his stag do is??

pinkyredrose · 02/04/2020 10:37

What are the problems that need ironing out?

Noconceptofnormal · 02/04/2020 10:37

There is a lot of warning signs here, but from experience I think that the worst is calling you controlling over this. I am with a person who is always gaslighting me and invalidating my feelings about things, and the worst is he calls me controlling basically whenever I disagree with him about anything.

Honestly, I wish I had never married him and if I could go back and tell my 29 year old self that I would.

You're not being controlling in not wanting him to go to a big nightclub the night before your wedding and for him and half your guests to be tired and hungover on your wedding day. It would ruin it.

If he's this much of a dick before you're married, trust me he'll be so much worse when you are. Unfortunately I didn't have the same warning signs before my wedding.

When you've got dozens of randoms on the Internet giving you their wisdom and saying don't marry him, listen to them.

HotelBravo · 02/04/2020 10:43

My gut feeling on this 'joke' is that he will totally go ahead and book it, and then when you complain he will pull the 'But i told you I wanted to go' card and because you never expressly forbid him from doing it (why would you when he says he is joking) that he took that as consent.
Have you actually said to him, in plain, clear words "you are not going to the casino"?

pooopypants · 02/04/2020 10:56

The wedding / stag do are the least of your problems OP

I'd suggest having a serious think if this is what you actually want your life to look like

curiouslypacific · 02/04/2020 11:02

God I hate it when men pull the whole 'she's so controlling' bullshit to save face in front of their mates when they leave a night out early, or don't want to go to the pub 10 days on the trot.

It's weak and immature and smacks of a man that can't own his choices or responsibilities. If he would rather throw you under the bus than damge his precious reputation as a lad, well that tells you exactly how far he'll go in supporting you in future when the shit really hits the fan.

JudyCoolibar · 02/04/2020 11:04

He keeps saying something as a 'joke" though he knows it upsets you, and tells you you are controlling when you let him know you're upset? Do you want this for the next 50 years or more?

Seapoint2002 · 02/04/2020 11:11

He is asking you jokingly wanting you to say yes to his unreasonable requests.
He knows it upsets you and that keeps you walking on eggshells.
It has all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship.

HaddawayAndShite · 02/04/2020 11:26

But he said I'm being controlling
Of course he did. Lets see. You're going ahead with an extravagant and long drawn out wedding you didn't want for HIM. You've asked him to respect boundaries about this 'joke' which he hasn't. He gambles. I mean... he sounds like a dream!
Honestly, this about the long term. Do you honestly think getting married is a good idea? His behaviours won't change, they will get worse.

MrsBobDylan · 02/04/2020 11:29

Who told you a lot of people think he's 'whipped' by you? I'd bet it's him.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/04/2020 11:35

Not one single thing about this sounds ok.

He is an absolute douche - that's the first thing, and it's not in any doubt. Constantly winding you up, even when he can see it upsets you. Sneakily pushing his agenda, with things he KNOWS you don't want, using the 'you're controlling and uptight' card to manipulate you into giving in. When actually the things he wants sound just as douchey, childish, selfish and twatty as him. Leaving your guests to go to a club the night before your wedding so you're all wrecked and stressed and look like shit on the day, probably having only got in at 3am thanks to him refusing to let you go home earlier - oh wow, that sounds so workable and desirable... if you're a fifteen year old bellend.

Pushy.

Teasing.

Selfish.

You're already having a wedding you actually don't want, at a place you don't want, in a style you don't want, and YOU'RE the one being manipulated into doing the legwork for it, like some fucking puppet on a string... and HE'S calling you controlling. Yeah right.

Oh and you have a massive mortgage and he's got a gambling problem!! Wahey!

Do you even like him? If you stand back from the automatic, well he's my lovely fiance and we're about to get married... do you actually think this person is a person of value and integrity? He doesn't sound like the kind of person I'd want by my side if I really needed support.

He doesn't listen to you, clearly. And what that means is that he has zero respect for you. That's what 'jokes' like this come down to. You ask, why doesn't he stop 'joking' when your eyes fill with tears whenever he goes on about the wedding stuff - the answer is - because he doesn't care! You aren't someone he thinks it's bad to upset. You're his whipping boy. His pet dog. He can tease you, and it's funny to him. A bit like bullying the slightly weaker kid at school, then telling them it's a joke so you don't feel bad. But you get your nasty cruel little kick out of it.

I can't think of a way to shout loud enough that you shouldn't marry this guy. If you do, the second you have kids, you're trapped. You will, WILL have a shitty, stressful life constantly on the back foot, with this joker teasing and manipulating you and generally making you feel crap about yourself and like nobody really listens to you.

And, once you're settled and he thinks he's safe because there's a baby and you can't leave, he'll gamble. He WILL. Just search a few threads.

Please, please please cancel this horrible sounding wedding and get rid. Talk to your friends first - tell them you have doubts - see what they say (or, especially, if their mouths say one thing but their expressions another).

This has got disaster - expensive, painful disaster - written all over it.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/04/2020 11:37

Oh and 'he's whipped' by you?

Perfect excuse then. As if you'd want to crush his lovely generous spirit and kind nature by staying with him when you're so controlling and awful. Time to set this wonderful, supportive, not nasty teasing shitbag at all man free!

Seapoint2002 · 02/04/2020 11:43

Does he actually want to be married? or does he want to keep leading a single man life, be mothered and have a guaranteed shag when he eventually comes home having been turned down by all the ten to twoers.

Pentium85 · 02/04/2020 11:47

You don't want to be together, it really is as simple as that.

Either split up, or resign yourself to an unhappy life together to divorce.

Your choice.

FilthyforFirth · 02/04/2020 11:48

Please don't be this desperate to get married. This sounds like a recipe for disaster. You will 100% be back complaining about him but this time you'll also have kids.

Is that really the life you want? Don't set the bar so low.

Holothane · 02/04/2020 11:57

Cancel the wedding, he’s a tosser selfish, five years down the line you with kids, he rushed you to have, you worn out, no money, him out gambling or drinking, do you want this. Get rid as soon as you can hugs.

handslikecowstits · 02/04/2020 11:59

I think we need the backstory OP because this has car crash written all over it.

Quarantimespringclean · 02/04/2020 12:06

You do not sound suited on any level.

AnPo · 02/04/2020 12:08

I think you'd be a fool to marry this one OP. It won't last or if it does you'll end up miserable.

Are you both very young?

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 02/04/2020 12:26

You have two problems here, one you want a DREAM wedding , whatever for?
Two, you dont want a marriage, at least to this man

ChuckleBuckles · 03/04/2020 08:56

OP is not going to cancel the wedding, she will marry him and he will continue to be a twat. She will have kids with him and he will continue to be a twat and she will be back here on and off over the years telling us that he is acting the twat.

Then one day she will realise that he has been gambling again, she has no money, no job because she has been at home with the kids and he will have lumbered them all with his gambling debts and he will continue to act the twat.

Every time he acts the twat she will be surprised and wave away all previous incidents about twattery and on and on it will go, a merry go round of twattery. Until one day he finds another mug and leaves to act the twat with her. Tale as old as time (song as old as rhyme) some people need to just learn the hard way in this life.

monkeymonkey2010 · 03/04/2020 20:22

He's talked you into hiring a venue you don't like, in the middle of nowhere, which will also make it frustrating for your guests.

Now he's got you thinking about the minute details and logistics of it all - he isn't interested in organising anything.

His 'jokes' are nor funny - and they aren't jokes.
He sounds like the type who would secretly arrange with his mates to drive out there and do it anyway - figuring you wouldn't dare back out at the last minute with everyone there no matter how angry you were.

You're not getting your idea of a wedding....seriously, when you look back in X years do you think you will have happy memories of that day?

Travis1 · 03/04/2020 20:30

He’s showing you who he is. Believe him

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