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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think that if your child is a bully then you’re a shit parent?

237 replies

Calladia · 01/04/2020 04:44

AIBU?

OP posts:
Moomin8 · 01/04/2020 21:45

YANBU

I think most children who are bullies are that way because their parents are doing something wrong.

...to think that if your child is a bully then you’re a shit parent?
Fespital · 01/04/2020 21:45

Causes of bullying are a Venn diagram. Some bullies have shit parents. Some do not. Some bullies are dealt with effectively by parents. Some are not. YABU to not consider the grey areas that some bullies bully for reasons beyond the influence of their parents but also must be dealt with within the influence of the same parents.

lmcneil003 · 01/04/2020 21:45

The bully in my sons year has had behavioural issues since his Dad died aged 34. Does this make his Mum a shit parent as her husband died of cancer? I think not.

If she knows about it and does nothing, yes. Or do ALL children with a dead parent become bullies???

Peppafrig · 01/04/2020 21:54

@JRUIN who said he isn't getting help? Again people are so quick to judge. Or maybe you think a child gets over that overnight . Or after a few counselling sessions. Who knows if he will ever be a normal kid. Still doesn't make the Mum a shit parent.

Moomin8 · 01/04/2020 21:55

To the poster whose child was repeatedly physically assaulted, there is no way I would have kept sending my child into school to be used as some nasty little shit's punch bag. I would have involved the police myself and told the school she wasn't coming back until they kept her safe. You don't have to keep sending your child to school if they are not doing their job properly.

LagunaBubbles · 01/04/2020 22:09

and again - NO-ONE IS SAYING BULLYING IS OK

Well someone says it's not helpful to call a child a bully.

Moomin8 · 01/04/2020 22:31

Some children are bullies though. The damage they do is not something that can ever be taken back.

ThunderR0ad78 · 01/04/2020 22:42

YABU - it's not a simple as that.

Cherrysoup · 01/04/2020 23:09

But @bibibirdie, your dd doesn’t sound like a bully whereas your description of the other kids makes me think they ARE bullies and their parents are to blame.

Rosebel · 01/04/2020 23:16

I do think there is to much support for bullies and none for the victim. Teachers also contradict themselves. They told my daughter t to stand up for herself . First time she said something back she was told off for being unkind. So now she just takes it because she can't do anything else.
My daughter has poor social skills due to her autism and this bully is popular ( probably because the other kids are scared of her) and they lie about my daughter and try to provoke her.
I hate that school and the only positive to the lockdown has been my daughter not being mentally bullied.
However this girls mum is still convinced sun shines out of her daughter's arse.

BiBiBirdie · 01/04/2020 23:24

@Cherrysoup ah, but the bit who she spanked, his mum was shouting to all and sundry that she was indeed a bully and should be treated as such. She was not happy. And I can't say I blamed her. I was mortified.
She also had a gob on her, she was exceptionally rude to people, including teachers, her mouth was disgusting. Not things she hears at home. She also slapped a girl for being homophobic to her.
I always felt quite smug that we had kids who behaved and came from a good home with rules and manners and bedtimes and no watching stuff that's not appropriate. And then she acts like a pain in the arse for most of the year. There wasn't a week that went by that I didn't get an email. In the end, she and her form tutor fell out so spectacularly and publicly (at sports day no less), they changed a no swapping forms rule so they could be kept away from each other.
Do I feel quite so smug now? Nope. Ive always assumed gobby kids came from gobby homes where there were no strict rules or timetables.
She is better now, thankfully, but I think if her head wasn't so bloody ace she would have been kicked out.
I felt so ashamed.

LouiseCollina · 02/04/2020 00:34

Obviously I can’t talk about all parents of all bullies but I can talk about my own sister who raised a child displaying the ugliest early childhood behaviour I’ve ever seen. Supernanny would walk out on this one, I am not joking. It’s not a behavioural therapist she needs; it’s a fucking priest. The simple truth of the matter? My sister is a shit parent. She indoctrinated her daughter from babyhood to believe she was the centre of the universe, because that’s what she believed about her. She ended up with a monster on her hands. One of the various tragedies involved is that there came a time to turn the monster loose in the schoolyard.

DianneWhatcock · 02/04/2020 00:48

@unlimiteddilutingjuice

You sound proud of your daughters "behaviour"

Were you never in the "cool gang" yourself? So at 5 you're trying to make her some kind of cool queen bee in your head at least

I've got a five year old. Her and her classmates are barely more than babies. there's no "cliques" or "cool kids" fgs

😳😳😳 I'm honestly embarrassed for you. please sort it out before you damage your little girl and other children

AnneOfTeenFables · 02/04/2020 00:54

The only parents i know who ask simplistic questions like the OP, are the parents of DCs who are bullies but then go crying to their parents when their victims finally fight back.

See how pointless generalisations are OP ? Hmm

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 02/04/2020 01:12

DD ended up nearly being branded as a bully for a while. Not only was it shocking for me, but for her school teachers too who always describe her as a polite,quiet and shy child .

The truth was rather grey.

She was making another girl cry daily and she was avoiding playing with her . The crying was because DD wouldn't play with her, would move away or wouldn't play how the other girl wanted.

The issue was that this girl was fixated on DD, wanted to be everywhere with her, give her cuddles, be included in everything DD did , even asked her parents to go to breakfast club because DD did.

I did have a massive parenting fail because when DD moaned a few times I just told her to play with someone else or explain to x that she's playing with y today but they are still friends etc.

Anyways, I get called in the school. X is crying , DD's name gets brought up a lot what is going on? I explained DD's side and said I'll talk to her.

Turns out DD was fucking overwhelmed. The attention, the hugs, the upset at seeing her friend cry but not wanting to always do what x wanted or miss out on her other friends. And the letters... x wrote at least one letter at breakfast club to DD after DD wouldn't play with her. A letter about depression,what is the point of it all, pain, etc. DD was fucking 6 , didn't understand much, but just about enough to figure out it wasn't good so yeah, she couldn't cope and withdrew even more.

Talked to the mum, showed her the letter and she dismissed it all as "crap and songs she watches on youtube, I told her not to watch that crap anymore".

So ended up in school,with the letter and told them to sort it but leave DD out of it and not to put any pressure or blame on her.

Coyoacan · 02/04/2020 02:33

DianneWhatcock

Whao, what a nasty comment. I certainly didn't get the impression that unlimiteddilutingjuice was boasting, just that she is handling it and teaching her dd how to behave.

unlimiteddilutingjuice , my dgd was similar at that age, in not saying hello to other children outside school.

She's six now and already grown out of that behaviour.

SlowHorse · 02/04/2020 02:57

Yes.

WaxOnFeckOff · 02/04/2020 07:44

I'm with Dianne this kid is 5, she's still very much a product of her home and parents. I though the poster sounded proud too.

Notverybright · 02/04/2020 07:54

WaxOnFeckOff no she didn't. She was worried about it.

JRUIN · 02/04/2020 08:05

@JRUIN who said he isn't getting help? Again people are so quick to judge. Or maybe you think a child gets over that overnight . Or after a few counselling sessions. Who knows if he will ever be a normal kid. Still doesn't make the Mum a shit parent.

Of course I don't think a child gets over the death of their parent overnight. I also don't think a decent, well brought up child turns into a bully overnight when bad things happen to them.

Ponoka7 · 02/04/2020 08:08

"The issue was that this girl was fixated on DD, wanted to be everywhere with her, give her cuddles, be included in everything DD did , even asked her parents to go to breakfast club because DD did"

My GC did a bit of that at age 5. There had been DV at home, my DD got out fairly quickly, but it meant NC with Dad for over six months. This coincided with starting school and the change overwhelmed my GC.
We all worked together to get her through it. It was a family effort (from our side).
Not everyone has that family support and having just come out of DV a, lot of women will be struggling in every way. We also helped with finances.

I'd say that most true bullies suffer from a level of poor parenting, but not all parents can be blamed for that. They themselves often haven't been equipped to be a good parent.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 02/04/2020 08:39

I'm not proud.
I'm concerned and a little surprised.
Thank you for all your comments, I've been thinking on them.
Since we're in lockdown her behaviour towards other children is not something I can tackle right now but she starts primary school in August.
I'm half thinking that suddenly being a small fish in a big pond will be enough to sort her out.
But if not, can poster's suggest some ways I can encourage more inclusive attitudes?
As I say, I already challenge it every time I see the behaviour or she suggests excluding someone to me.

motherheroic · 02/04/2020 08:41

Not always. There are kids show one side to their parents and then another with their friends. Showing off, trying to fit in etc.

Moomin8 · 02/04/2020 08:47

@rosebel

If your child has autism, the school has to do something. In your position I would write them a letter / email reminding them of the disability discrimination act.

Children with autism have a difficult enough time trying to navigate socialisation at school without being bullied.

Moomin8 · 02/04/2020 08:47

You need to always put things in writing. If it's not in writing, it didn't happen.