...to think that if your child is a bully then you’re a shit parent?

[Calladia]

AIBU?

YANBU. Every child I’ve met that is a bully has always had crappy parents who care more about their wants and needs than their kids.

Chilicheese123 absolutely totally agree, there are many lovely children in our classes and as you say some are natural leaders with delightful qualities, with the right values their personalities develop, even bullies can learn the error of their ways. My shy introverted little boy is now a confident 19 year old so children do mature. I volunteered as a mentor for 15/16 year olds so I've followed many stories from both sides, unfortunately sometimes the 'bully' kids if not checked finds their later teen years very difficult. My friend had an incident with her daughter where she was accused of being a bully and as with many of the stories on here it was actually the 'victim' exaggerating, her mum used social media to highlight her daughters plight, this girl, now 19 is still a victim from everyone, her school, her part time job, her new friends.

I just hope @unlimiteddilutingjuice takes it on board.

I'm thinking vert carefully about everything thats been said here.
Dd is only just five and starting primary school in August (if we're out of lockdown by then).
At the moment I feel like we're seeing the "beginning" of bullying behaviour. Stuff that could become more serious if it isn't dealt with correctly now.
This has certainly been a very sobering lesson in the damage that she could do if I fail her at this juncture. I'm very greatful to everyone who has commented. I've got a lot to think about and work on.

@unlimiteddilutingjuice

Well done for taking it on board. You can turn this around x

@coffeeeandtv yes I had issues with a test 6 girl who was very quiet, I tried to boost her confidence in many ways but her mum always had to come ‘for a word’ about so and so. Once the little girl just didn’t like that the other girls in the class were so noisy when we played a certain game (a noisy game!). Mum had to have a word about it. The girl is in year 12 now she has struggled with ‘bullying’ and moved schools because Mum wasn’t happy, she has left a part time job somewhere like Topshop a week after starting because of bullying, she has been through about 4 driving instructors. I think she has just very little tolerance of anyone not acting how she feels comfortable with them acting,, and this has been reinforced by an overprotective parent. I didn’t allow 75% of the other girls in the year to be labeled bullies though just because they acted, in my opinion, like normal kids. It’s a shame for the girl but I think sometimes you have to be careful in those situations. You can’t punish outgoing extroverted kids for the way they are anymore than you can punish introverted ones who struggle with social interaction. And as you say, sometimes the very shy ones just need time and a bit of resilience builds and they are absolutely cracking young adults.

I have been my granddaughter's guardian since she was 7 months old, however ever since she was born she has witnessed her mentally unstable mother's behaviour and her DV relationship. She came to us, but still had to visit and stay with her mother and her abusive boyfriend for weekends and holidays. Once we had to literally drag her from the car into her mum's house and she was kicking and screaming saying she didn't want to go, but it was court ordered.

Fast forward, obviously we have tried to counteract that, but CAMHS say she seems to have mental health problems but doesn't really engage with therapists, she tells them she wouldn't care if the therapy centre was bombed and all the therapists died.

We take privileges away at home, she goes to therapy.

When she was younger she told me she never wants to go to trampolining again. Wouldn't tell me why. Finally got it out of her - she went to the toilets and there was a younger girl in there, she stood in front of the toilet door and told the girl she was locked in and would never see her mum again. Then ran out. The girl wasn't locked in but it still made her cry. Obvs trampolining instructor said she wanted to talk to us when we picked her up, but she clearly knew that would happen as she came out of class really fast and we were gone before the teacher came out.

She found someone's school project at school in the cloakroom left on the sink, she threw it in the bin, for seemingly no reason, she didn't even know whose it was. She didn't tell me until about a year later.

She punched another girl in the chest during a game in the playground.

She told one of the boys in her class to meet her in the toilets in primary school. Invited him into the same cubicle as him for a "kiss" then went back and told the teacher that this boy had followed her into the cubicle without her consent!!

A couple years ago she was visiting her mum for the holidays and her younger sister lost her mobile phone (basic SMS only one) in the fields near the house, near this apple orchard, so she started throwing the apples at her sister calling her a slag and saying no wonder your daddy (mum's abusive boyfriend) left you.

When mum's boyfriend was arrested, she teased her younger brother about it "your dad's in prison and he's gonna rot in there" etc which made her brother cry.

She slapped her aunt in the face when her aunt tried to stick up for her mum (aunts sister).

Now CAMHS are saying looks like she might have emerging personality disorder.

She says she hopes her mum suffers and dies slowly.

It's really much more complicated than this. Both my DDs are adopted. DD1 (11) behaves very differently at home to how she behaves at school, though it's at home where she acts up; at school she's quiet snd timid, and as a result suffers from bullying. (DD2 (8) is unkind to her as well sometimes and can be quite sneaky about it.)

I was a victim of bullying at school and, because I was being abused at home, I didn't feel I could ask for help. I used to lash out I when provoked instead and so ended up in trouble myself.

I discovered later that the worst bully had a mum who was dying of cancer and she died whilst her DD was studying for her then 'O' Levels and she failed them all. So she was a victim as well as perpetrator.

Trying26 so sorry for the awful situation you are in. The poor girl is finding it really difficult to deal with the situation she's in, and her poor siblings must've been through hell too. Big sweeping statements like the OP's and some other posters on here have no idea of the reality of trying to support children and bring them up to be kind in situations like this.

I've really been trying. She's not consistently nasty or bullying though, you know? She's a bit of a loner, but has friends. She just seems to get these really random moments of nastiness that she struggles to control. Obviously if goes very deep, and she has security and emotional difficulties. But it does hurt to know people think I'm the terrible parent when I'm not, I'm the one trying to fix the damage the best way I can without causing even more. I'm not trying to excuse her, I'll never stop trying to help her. She's just stopped eating recently. :(

Oh Trying26 you are doing everything you can by the sounds of it. I think in time with your guidance and compassion things will turn around. Obviously, that doesn't make it any easier to get through now though.

It's hard not to let silly things that people say on here get to you sometimes.

YABU with the generalization, YAN(entirely)BU about the feeling behind it, because there really are parents out there who excuse their child for everything.

But it's complicated. It really is.

My eldest is on the spectrum and can be quite blunt. I had a mother approach me and demand to know why he was excluding her child and "being mean." So had a word with DS. And still this mother kept approaching me/texting me with various stories, and I'd have chats to DS, trying to sort it. Getting increasingly stern with him. He wouldn't tell me much of what was going on just that he was unhappy and very uncomfortable. Teachers were trying too because incidents kept happening. My son said this girl would come near him and fall over and claim he pushed her. So I told him to keep away.

One day I went into school for a volunteer job. On my way through the playground I witnessed this girl go up to my son and kick him full on, unprovoked, then run away sobbing that he'd done something to her, and because DS doesn't cry (much), he was going to get the blame (yes, I intervened).

Point is, I damaged DS's fucking self-esteem by disciplining him for "not being nice" on the basis of another kid's/mother's word.

So if you want parents to discipline their kid on the basis of hearsay, you better come with receipts.

Or better yet, target your ire at the underfunding of schools. Seriously. Funding schools enough for enough teachers/intervention would solve a lot of problems.

It depends. One of my best friends is one of three brothers. He and the younger brother are really nice guys. the elder brother has always been awful. Started bullying at school, then went on to trouble with police in teenage years, then wife battering, has been in jail for drug trafficking and has been totally disowned by his family. My friend said his parents were at their wits end about what to do when it all started. He was feral.