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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bloody children

114 replies

thegreenlight · 31/03/2020 09:45

My 2 and 6 year old boys are so noisy and can’t be in a room together without shouting and screaming 2 year old does something 2 year oldish, 6 year old totally overreacts. I’m not allowed to do anything for myself. I’m trying to work from home and they have to be in the same room with me ALL THE TIME! Husband is working full time and wondered why I’m grumpy and do t want sex at the end of the day. They won’t play nicely, they have hardly any toys because though they have lovely things they then lose all the pieces so it can’t be played with. I’m hating being a parent right now.

OP posts:

TheOrigBrave · 31/03/2020 11:19

It's SO hard OP. I have a 10yo at home while I'm trying to work. I can default to telly all day if I have to. I am a single parent. What else am I supposed to do?
My work are aware and insist that the children come first, but I hate it, I want to pull my weight. Never before have I felt being a lone parent so acutely, I rarely let my personal family situation get in the way of work. But these are extreme times.

I am knackered - getting up early to put some hours in before I need to see to DS. Then not doing any house stuff until he's in bed so I can spend some time with him, as he is also acutely aware of me having to work and his Dad not being around.

endofthelinefinally · 31/03/2020 11:23

Divorce lawyers are going to be very busy when this is over.
So many women realising what a raw deal they have got.

avrilpoissons · 31/03/2020 11:23

YABU to call them bloody children.

You need to sort out a schedule with your husband where you take it in turns to WFH when the other does child care. Why don't you take it in turns alternate days to take them out for a walk which is permitted in the daily exercise and then the rest of the time work out two hour time slots?

e.g

8am-10am you work, DH does child care.
10am-11am DH works, you do child care
11am children taken out for a walk by DH, you work.
12 noon you all have lunch together
1pm-3pm DH works, you do child care
4pm-5pm you work, DH does child care.
5pm-5.30pm Children watch tv together whilst you and DH finish off work and tidy it away.

and then swap it round so the next day you do the walk and DH works. Then you are getting either 4 or 5 hours work in each day and you can do any extra needed after the DCs are in bed.

Notverybright · 31/03/2020 11:27

avrilpoissons I think her Dh works outside the home.

Original poster

thegreenlight · 31/03/2020 11:28

DH is working full time at his work 1hr drive away. There’s no take it in turns. You are special kind of person if you have never referred to your kids as ‘bloody children’ or they are not like mine! I was just feeling awful but feel fresh now I know I’m not alone.

OP posts:

Notverybright · 31/03/2020 11:28

Well you seem to be doing ok op. Mine have been watching telly all morning and I am furloughed

adaline · 31/03/2020 11:34

Your husband is the problem here - he should be taking over as soon as he gets in from work to allow you to get on with some work in peace.

I would set up a study space upstairs (maybe in your bedroom or something if necessary) and as soon as he gets home, hand him the children and tell him you're going to do some work. He's more than capable of feeding and bathing his kids and putting them to bed.

Expecting a 2yo and 6yo to play nicely together all day is massively unrealistic I'm afraid.

goose1964 · 31/03/2020 11:35

I'm so glad the wasn't in the 1ø70s or I would literally have killed my sister. Or the 90 when my eldest and youngest would have been the same ages as yours,and they could argue for the UK. Have you tried getting them to burn off excess energy, Joe Wickes PE ,some people are also doing dance alongs. I really feel awful for you.DS2 is working from home with a baby and 3 year old whilst his wife in working in a hospital, he's maintaining his sanity ( such that it is) by making hilarious posts on Facebook. His Co workers are very noisy and the cats aren't much better.

Thymelord · 31/03/2020 11:38

YABU to call them bloody children

Why is that unreasonable? I genuinely never understand people who feel the need to post sanctimonious bollocks like this. They aren't reading it. She didn't say it to their faces (although so what if she had? Parents are human you know).

told a sobbing 2 week postpartum mastitis driven me that I needed to pull my socks up and get the washing done

OP this really stands out. Why are your standards SO low that you accept that ^^ and then describe this person as "usually really good".

Original poster

thegreenlight · 31/03/2020 11:43

He can blind side me sometimes with behaviour like that. He does all the washing and is great with the boys but can do this really weird cold thing when he acts totally out of character. He doesn’t think he does and always blames it on me and my actions.

OP posts:

BerryCatHolly · 31/03/2020 11:44

OP whilst your frustration is understandable, you and your husband need to be a team on this. Sit down with him and tell him how you're struggling there is no shame in finding it hard. You need him onside and to help you, not start some tit for tat war which will just breed further resentment. Between you both, you need to look at making life easier. Ok he is out of the home but he could prepare timetables / activities for the children to do, prepare lunches for you to eat, dinner prep, take more control of cleaning and washing activities when he gets home. All the little things will add up.

Could you start a reward chart for your 6 year to help get the screaming under control. Like playing quietly for x amount of minutes and he gets a sticker for the chart and 15 minutes play time with you. The two year old is harder as I imagine their attention span is so much shorter. Hopefully someone can suggest other ideas.

PumpkinPie2016 · 31/03/2020 11:49

It's hard at the moment OP. It isn't just you and you are definitely not a shit mum. You are trying your best in very difficult circumstances.

I only have one 6 year old and I am also trying to work from home. I think the change/lack of routine for children is what is making it so hard. We are trying to do some of his school work/go outside/other activities in between me trying to work. I am doing my first live online session with my students this afternoon-goodness knows how that will go!

What is your job? Apologies if you have already said and I missed it. I know you said you need to be in contact between 9-5pm but it may be worth speaking to HR/your manager about your circumstances. I am leading a team and fully understand that some of them have to work at different times due to their home situation and I am supporting them with that. Even if you have clients to speak to, in these times, everyone should understand that things may be different to the norm.

I hope things calm down for you and become more manageable.

AliciaJohnson · 31/03/2020 11:49

OP, there is no solution to this, but you are not a shit mother.

Leaving aside whatever your DH does or doesn't do, the fact is that he currently can't be at home during the day, so any suggestions of him taking over childcare while you work are not much help to you.

I have absolutely no idea how anyone gets any work done, ever, with small children at home. It might be possible to get 15 minutes done, if a miracle occurs and nobody is killing anyone or crying about anything or demanding attention - but that would be more or less unheard of.

So just hugs, really.

LovingLola · 31/03/2020 11:54

I’ve just absolutely lost my shit with them is what you say about your young children.
Yet all your useless husband gets is a look.

Xenia · 31/03/2020 11:58

The greencat you may be able to get the 6 year in school.Have you studied the rules in detail? Lots of key workers are on that list including banks and the justice system/some lawyers.

Secondly people are allowed to travel to or at work so you and your husband may be able to pay someone to come each day or even stay and sleep in the children's room to do childcare from 9 - 5 if you both can afford to pay 50% of that cost.

endofthelinefinally · 31/03/2020 11:58

Coming back to the employer, OP says she needs to be in contact 9 to 5. This is very unreasonable and the employer should be looking at how they can put team working in place so that single parents and parents in OP's situation can share chunks of time working and time off during the day if they are looking after small children.
WRT husband, IMO this sometimes being nice, then being cold and cruel is classic manipulation.

itsgettingweird · 31/03/2020 11:58

If your dh works in an office an hour from home. It's his own office so works alone.

Why the feck can he not WFH? Surely at least a number of days a week?

GabsAlot · 31/03/2020 12:06

Hedoes the washing bully for him -people do it all day every day

he doesnt sound nice at -what is it with these men that want all thnese kids but dont want to change their life like women have to

Original poster

thegreenlight · 31/03/2020 12:06

He is an industrial manager. He has to be in to physically supervise staff. We had a huge argument because he says I’m miserable when he gets gone and I ‘offer him nothing’ in basically touched out having 2 clingy kids all day that don’t really behave themselves. If us say anything he will offer jolly advice of what he would do when I know for a fact when he does have the kids alone he just does his hobby or play computer games. They don’t bother him like they constantly bother me.

OP posts:

Ginseng1 · 31/03/2020 12:10

Why can't your Dh wfh? If he just in an office in his own why the hell is he driving an hr to get there leaving you stranded all say long. The instruction is anyone who can wfh needs to do so!! And to the person saying why you wfm with no childcare this is what most of the country is doing right now. No choice! & employers need to be flexible (or let people go on the 80%)

JennysTailor · 31/03/2020 12:11

He sounds like a prick. Chucking a load of washing on and playing with his own children doesn't change that.

Ginseng1 · 31/03/2020 12:12

Seen the update. What an absolute dick. You are doing two jobs he is doing one. A bit of help & understanding would go a long way. Don't blame the kids.

LovingLola · 31/03/2020 12:15

They don’t bother him like they constantly bother me.

Wise children. They already know that he is unavailable to them.
Feel sorry for them having a useless disconnected fucker as their dad

AlexaAmbidextra · 31/03/2020 12:19

I would feed the kids and myself our main meal at lunchtime. Do the kids and yourself something like sandwich, fruit and yoghurt for supper and let the lord and master fend for himself. The lazy bastard can put together his own sandwich to have after his oh so important hobby.

stayathomer · 31/03/2020 12:29

Oh my god you are not a shit mother. You're not!!! You have the two most difficult ages. Honestly. And they're over hyped because they probably sense stress and they can't get out and about which is every single child at the mo!!! 2 yo I can't help with (youngest is 5 and my brain has wiped earlier memories lol) but 6yo colouring competition, drawing competition, ask them to make a maze, stuff with blocks, teddy bears school and has to teach the teddies something. Huge hugs ok, we are all in the same place (with the sex as well, had it first time in ages last night and it was great but at the same time is nice yo know tonight will have a nice nights sleep)

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