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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to risk my family’s health because my BIL can’t be bothered to be a father?

102 replies

TheNightKing · 30/03/2020 07:30

My DH’s brother is split from his wife after he had an affair when she was 8 weeks pregnant with a baby they had tried a long time for. They have a 5 year old and the baby is now almost six months.
With all the supermarket rules (no children) and also my ex-SIL not wanting to risk her DC’s health, she was asking if I would sit with them whilst she went shopping. At first I agreed and then worried about the possibility that I may have CV without knowing it and pass it on to the kids. So I offered to go to the supermarket for her. She will need food in the next 2-3 days.
Since I’ve offered I have started to feel really anxious about CV. Of course I want to help my ex-SIL and my niece & nephew but I have three children of my own and with no need to go to the shops myself, I am starting to really resent BIL for not being a father and literally putting food on his kids table. I asked DH to say something to his brother but he said there is no point because he won’t change his behaviour.
Would I be unreasonable to tell BIL how I feel?

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 30/03/2020 10:39

I was going to suggest that SIL put her DCs in her car, drove to supermarket, you met her in car park to watch DCs from outside the vehicle while she ran round the shop.....but with a 6 month old, you'd need to time that really carefully.

BananaPlant · 30/03/2020 10:46

I’d call out the whole fucking family to be honest and if the Nan rings you I’d tell her how ashamed they should all be.

timeisnotaline · 30/03/2020 10:46

Yes do the shopping for sil, keep your distance and wear gloves and it’s not very risky.
Fuck the family. Who cares what they think? Say exactly what you feel like saying on the family chat.

timeisnotaline · 30/03/2020 10:49

Or, how old is mil? Is she under 70? you could first call her with the problem- x can’t get food, doesn’t want to take the kids out. I’m going this week, maybe you could go next week? I’m looking into delivery options too of course, shame bil is such an asshole of a dad and won’t shop for his own children.
You can judge by her reaction if you should follow up on family chat! Ie if she’s an asshole too go for it. And next time nan has a go tell her she should be ashamed of herself, can she not think how difficult it is to be a single parent with a waste of space ex?

strawberrylipgloss · 30/03/2020 10:51

I agree that you doing the shopping is less risky than you babysitting while she shops.

BIL gets away with his behaviour because his family don't call him out on it. I wouldn't be on some family WhatsApp with such a scummy man and I'd be disappointed in my h pretending that his brother wasn't a deadbeat.

I hope that you or your h help SIL out rather than her having to reply on a volunteer.

SarahInAccounts · 30/03/2020 10:53

Why would you not help her? It's what families are about.

JMKid · 30/03/2020 10:58

Supermarkets are NOT turning away a parent wth a child away.

BananaPlant · 30/03/2020 11:23

Why are the other siblings not helping? Do they live far away or is everyone siding with the BIL?

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 30/03/2020 11:24

Sorry if you have answered this and I have missed it - but why are you the one speaking to you husband's brother about about his behaviour? Why isnt your husband telling him to sort himself out and care for his kids?
Just because you husband says their isnt any point, sheesh what a wimpy answer. Tell him to man up and rip his brother a new one. They are all enabling this shitty behaviour

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 30/03/2020 11:25

*your
*there

MintyMabel · 30/03/2020 11:26

Supermarkets have not banned children. All have categorically states this.

MintyMabel · 30/03/2020 11:28

possibly local.

Tesco managers can't make this kind of policy decision alone.

Original poster
TheNightKing · 30/03/2020 12:21

I wish some people on here would actually read what the OP has actually written so I will state it again for those haven’t.

  1. I do not need to do shopping for my own family. We have enough food to last us around five days and we have a delivery booked for Friday. So I would be going to the shops entirely for SIL. Even if I did need to shop for my own family with all the restrictions on number of products you can purchase, I could not do shopping for her and us at the same time e.g. milk, we would need 2 x 4 pints minimum, she would also need milk. With a limit of two on milk someone would not be able to get their milk.
  1. Nowhere have I said that I won’t go and that I will leave them without food. In fact, I have stated the opposite. I just don’t see why BIL can’t be a decent father and make sure his kids have food rather than me having to increase mine and my children’s risk and exposure.
OP posts:
Original poster
TheNightKing · 30/03/2020 12:24

@timeisnotaline MIL will pretend to agree with me and then “tell on me” to her mum and then I will get another abusive phone call. The Nan thinks BIL can do no wrong and has in fact blamed BIL’s affair and leaving his pregnant wife on SIL (apparently it was her own fault as she supposedly didn’t show him enough affection so “what did she expect?” Hmm )

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNightKing · 30/03/2020 12:32

@strawberrylipgloss DH does not pretend his brother is not a deadbeat. He thinks he has behaved appalling from trying for a baby when he was supposedly so unhappy, to the affair to him telling SIL they haven’t to sell the house because he can’t afford to pay his half of the mortgage but spending several hundred on OW for Xmas and Valentine’s Day to him saying he didn’t see why SIL should get more than 50% from the sale of the family home because he would be giving her a few measly hundred a month (BIL is quite the catch, isn’t he?)

DH just doesn’t see the point in saying anything as he knows his brother won’t change his behaviour. He also knows that after the backlash I got for ignoring him and OW at a family meal that I felt very hurt as I always felt I was just one of their family, having been in it for a long time, but it became glaringly obvious that the feeling wasn’t mutual towards me.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNightKing · 30/03/2020 12:33

Also, whether or not supermarkets have banned children is neither here nor there - SIL doesn’t feel comfortable taking them which I completely understand.

OP posts:
Devlesko · 30/03/2020 12:35

get dh to speak to his brother and tell him to be a bloody father to the kids he has.
I'd have to cut contact with someone like him, I'd expect my dh to as well, but he'd want to himself.

BananaPlant · 30/03/2020 12:56

If the Nan phones, put the phone down. You don’t have to listen.

Original poster
TheNightKing · 30/03/2020 14:24

@BananaPlant SIL is no longer in contact with our MIL or the siblings as she felt they have not been supportive enough or they haven’t made it clear enough to BIL that his behaviour is awful. She says we are the only ones to have done the right thing.

I did put the phone down on the Nan in the end last time as I was starting to lose my temper. The whole family are slightly dysfunctional and DH is the only one that doesn’t appear to either have issues with lying, trust issues or someone who thinks they are never wrong and that they are hard done by in life.

OP posts:
CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 30/03/2020 16:25

Did DH ring HIS Nan up and tell her not to ever speak to you like that and to tell HIM if she has a problem with you? As in, protect you from HIS family?

I will put my last toilet roll on the answer being No he didnt, just left it as "she will only see BIL's side so what is the point"

SharonasCorona · 30/03/2020 16:40

I agree with @CrazyTimes, DH needs to protect you from his family too.

They sound like scum, standing by their dick of a son whilst their grandkids are having trouble getting food and then getting angry at you for daring to ignore the OW. I would go no contact with the twats.

mencken · 30/03/2020 16:45

I was in Aldi today and there was a mum with an about 3 year old in a trolley. Normally that's not good but today it was great because it means the kid isn't running round touching stuff and people. So definitely no child ban there. (and no hostility either, when the kid started yelling all the reactions were sympathetic)

Original poster
TheNightKing · 31/03/2020 08:02

@CrazyTimesAreOccurring you are wrong. I put phone down on DH’s Nan and went to work. He spoke to her a little later and said that he agreed with me and wasn’t going to apologise for me putting the phone down as he understood my frustration and annoyance. My DH is a fantastic father and incredibly supportive husband. As I previously said, if you bothered to read it, he knew how hurt I was after the reaction last time (btw, DH, his two sisters and sister’s husband also ignores OW at the meal but I was, for some reason, the only one who received an abusive phone call). He also knows it will achieve nothing - BIL will either ignore me completely or bitch behind my back to his OW and new best buddy (who has also left his partner and child for someone he screwed at work) about how out of order I am. He will not gain a new found decent moral code or feel he should do right by his children.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNightKing · 31/03/2020 08:05

Spoke to ex-SIL yesterday and mentioned I was thinking of having a go at BIL about all of this. She agreed with DH that it’s pointless and also said she doesn’t want his help (I think he would make it as difficult as possible). DH has said he will do the shopping for her today and has reassured that he will follow all the necessary precautions.

OP posts:
SuburbanFraggle · 31/03/2020 08:51

It sounds like your amoral nan in law has created a brood of monsters.

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