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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to risk my family’s health because my BIL can’t be bothered to be a father?

102 replies

TheNightKing · 30/03/2020 07:30

My DH’s brother is split from his wife after he had an affair when she was 8 weeks pregnant with a baby they had tried a long time for. They have a 5 year old and the baby is now almost six months.
With all the supermarket rules (no children) and also my ex-SIL not wanting to risk her DC’s health, she was asking if I would sit with them whilst she went shopping. At first I agreed and then worried about the possibility that I may have CV without knowing it and pass it on to the kids. So I offered to go to the supermarket for her. She will need food in the next 2-3 days.
Since I’ve offered I have started to feel really anxious about CV. Of course I want to help my ex-SIL and my niece & nephew but I have three children of my own and with no need to go to the shops myself, I am starting to really resent BIL for not being a father and literally putting food on his kids table. I asked DH to say something to his brother but he said there is no point because he won’t change his behaviour.
Would I be unreasonable to tell BIL how I feel?

OP posts:
TheYearOfTheDog · 30/03/2020 08:52

YANBU.

I would ring him and tell him to look after his family. Or, maybe give her some basics and drop them on her door step as a compromise.

GinDrinker00 · 30/03/2020 09:00

YANBU. Just because he cheated doesn’t mean he has a good enough excuse to let his ex and his children go without or risk catching CV. And if he still doesn’t care after you’ve told him... then honestly he’s a disgusting human being.

notsuremate · 30/03/2020 09:00

He’s disgusting. However, is he having the children at all? If he is, she should go shopping then. It shouldn’t be down to you. Family chat WhatsApp? F that! I’d be writing a message to say “you cheated on your wife you vile human and now I’m going to have to risk my family’s health because you aren’t providing food for your own kids. Get your finger out and do your job” then kick him from the group (once he’s read the message). It’s time everybody started calling a spade a spade. People like him behave the way they do because nobody gives them any consequences. Challenge everything he says or writes. Be difficult. You and your kids could die if you venture into the shops (and yes you could because you have no idea how you’d react to the virus. A 14 year old just died because of it) because he couldn’t keep his prick in his pants? Don’t think so. Message him. “The entire family expect you to go food shopping today for your children and drop off a bag of essentials at their door. You do this or you face consequences as in this family will no longer talk to or accommodate you in the future” then do it

Esspee · 30/03/2020 09:04

I voluntarily self isolated for two weeks after returning from a CV hotspot (no recorded cases when I went there, hundreds when I left) then the govt. brought in lockdown.
Had to shop last Monday, my only time out of the house since my return. Wore disposable gloves, everyone kept their distance, washed my hands thoroughly on arriving home then came down with the virus on Friday.
Unless you are 100% isolating chances are you will catch the virus. O.P. is putting herself and her children at risk doing an additional shop. Please don’t minimise this. The children’s dad needs to step up.

Sophiesdog2020 · 30/03/2020 09:14

Tesco for sure.

Please check your local stores - DD works at Tesco and says they only stop children if there are 2 parents with them.

She also came home last night saying that the store was dead compared to last Sunday, no long NHS queue prior to 10, and many staff were sent home at 1 - this is a large Tesco Extra! She even got loo rolls on Saturday 😂

Looks like lockdown has calmed everyone down, or they are all holding out for an online shop!

MorganKitten · 30/03/2020 09:15

At first I agreed and then worried about the possibility that I may have CV without knowing it and pass it on to the kids. So I offered to go to the supermarket for her.

So you’d be happy give it to other people in the supermarket... if you think you have CV you can’t go out.
Your BIL can look after his family.

PotholeParadise · 30/03/2020 09:25

So you’d be happy give it to other people in the supermarket... if you think you have CV you can’t go out.
Your BIL can look after his family.

She's thinking about social distancing, which is in place to prevent transmission from someone incubating it unawares or asymptomatic, and impossible to follow while looking after someone else's children.

Many of us could be incubating it unawares. That is why we aren't allowed to visit each other's homes.

We are allowed to go to the supermarket while staying 2 metres away from others.

Original poster
TheNightKing · 30/03/2020 09:34

@FourDecades since all this started he has refused to visit his kids just in case they give it to him but is happily spending time with OWs family including children...

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNightKing · 30/03/2020 09:35

@BlimeyCalmDown yeah, I’m really self centred offering to help SIL by doing her shopping...

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 30/03/2020 09:36

He sounds an awful man and I would tell him and want nothing to do with him

But yes you should be stepping up and either you or your DH getting groceries the risk for you is far lower and for everyone around than your SIL taking 2 children into a supermarket

Fivefourthree · 30/03/2020 09:38

I've said yanbu, but just want to suggest that SIL looks into local companies who offer deliveries - not just the usual supermarkets.
Round my way lots of butchers, small shops, farm shops etc are doing this. Also catering companies. Worth putting an SOS out on Facebook pages.

Dyrne · 30/03/2020 09:39

I have to say regardless of other options; I wouldn’t be able to help myself from sending a passive aggressive message to the group chat: “Hi BIL, how are the children coping? Spoke to SIL last week and she mentioned she was worried about food levels; am assuming you’ve checked in and dropped off food by now but just thought I’d check! :) ”

SmileyClare · 30/03/2020 09:39

Unless you are 100% isolating, chances are you will catch the virus. Op is putting herself and her children at risk

I don't think this is helpful. Op has already explained her growing anxiety about CV and her fears around going out at all.
The lockdown restrictions are NOT to stop the virus and stop people catching it, they are to SLOW the inevitable spread.

We all need to stay realistic. This is likely to go on for 6- 12 months and the restrictions will be relaxed a little, lifted and then imposed again in waves.
There will always be a risk during this time but people should not be filled with fear about picking up shopping or helping out a family in need of food.
Just follow social distancing rules, wash hands, wipe surfaces and be sensible.

It's awful to offer to help sil and then withdraw that offer and tell her she has to rely on the help of fb volunteers or find help elsewhere.

Fivefourthree · 30/03/2020 09:39

He sounds a complete arse, I'm so sorry there are people like this Flowers

Dyrne · 30/03/2020 09:40

Please please please can you help SIL build a little resilience by looking at local shops etc before she relies on volunteers or you doing shopping for her. People shouldn’t be putting themselves at risk unless it’s absolutely necessary.

Aderyn19 · 30/03/2020 09:42

I think you and your dh should definitely be calling him out about bring such a shit dad. And I would shame him on SM in front of all his friends by pointing out that you are now having to do what he should be doing for his kids. He won't change but you might as well not let him get away with portraying himself as some kind of national hero, when he's clearly a skank.

Original poster
TheNightKing · 30/03/2020 09:43

@notsuremate the problem with your suggestion is, as much as I would love to do it, I am an “outsider” - the family group chat is DH, DH’s two sisters, DH’s brother, DH’s mum and me. When I dared to show my disapproval by completely blanking him and OW at a family meals few months back (it was kept hush hush OW would be there, we did not want to meet OW and our DC were with us and I was worried that they would say something to DN who still didn’t know that his dad had shacked up with someone else at the time) I got an abusive phone call from their Nan. MIL denies she said anything to her mum (their Nan) but she has form for moaning to her parents, letting them have a go at people for her and then denying all knowledge and involvement. I think I need to go low key to make my point e.g. how is everyone doing? I had to go to the shops again, which worries me about possibility of picking up CV, but SIL needed food for her DC and she can’t take kids to the shop so I stepped up.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNightKing · 30/03/2020 09:48

@MorganKitten I don’t think I have CV but I am aware that anyone could have it and not know. If I looked after my niece and nephew I would have very close contact e.g. having to pick up six month old niece to comfort her if she was upset. I can socially distance to an extent in a supermarket.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNightKing · 30/03/2020 09:50

@Quartz2208 I would never let her go out with the two children and she doesn’t want to either. My AIBU was should I tell BIL he is an arse who should be doing food shopping for his children rather than me.

OP posts:
Daftodil · 30/03/2020 09:52

Why can't the SIL message the BIL directly and ask him to get the food? They have 2 kids together. Surely they can communicate without the need for you to get involved.

If not, no need to beat around the bush. "Just heard from SIL, she can't go to the shop because she can't take the kids. BIL, please call her and see what she needs. They're going to run out of food/formula/nappies and your children are scared."

NurseButtercup · 30/03/2020 10:00

Hi,
Try not to give any energy to thinking about what your deadbeat BIL should or shouldn't be doing.

Suggest to your SIL that she sign up to nextdoor.co.uk or download the app.

If she puts out a message on there that she needs shopping one of her neighbours will definitely help.

Also have a look on your local council website to see what support is available, there might be a list of local community groups.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/03/2020 10:07

I only voted YABU because your exSIL asked you and not her ex for a reason. If you try and get BIL (her ex) to do the shopping instead of you, you may be exposing exSIL to potential nastiness or even emotional/verbal abuse.
I would not confront BIL and demand he do the shopping without talking to his ex wife, the exSIL first as it involves her and would impact her greatly.

TulipsTwoLips · 30/03/2020 10:19

I wouldn't bother contacting BIL. I doubt he'll care what you think tbh.

notalwaysalondoner · 30/03/2020 10:20

Why can’t you do the shopping at the same time as your own? I’d message BIL but it seems wrong not to help out this once if you are really sure she can’t go to local shops (unless you or your family are unusually vulnerable in which case she should ask someone else).

femfemlicious · 30/03/2020 10:22

Its really sickening how some men are able to ignore children they created. They just carry on with no worries leaving mum to pick up the pieces. And people act like its normal