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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to risk my family’s health because my BIL can’t be bothered to be a father?

102 replies

TheNightKing · 30/03/2020 07:30

My DH’s brother is split from his wife after he had an affair when she was 8 weeks pregnant with a baby they had tried a long time for. They have a 5 year old and the baby is now almost six months.
With all the supermarket rules (no children) and also my ex-SIL not wanting to risk her DC’s health, she was asking if I would sit with them whilst she went shopping. At first I agreed and then worried about the possibility that I may have CV without knowing it and pass it on to the kids. So I offered to go to the supermarket for her. She will need food in the next 2-3 days.
Since I’ve offered I have started to feel really anxious about CV. Of course I want to help my ex-SIL and my niece & nephew but I have three children of my own and with no need to go to the shops myself, I am starting to really resent BIL for not being a father and literally putting food on his kids table. I asked DH to say something to his brother but he said there is no point because he won’t change his behaviour.
Would I be unreasonable to tell BIL how I feel?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNightKing · 30/03/2020 08:06

@Boulshired I feel the same. I haven’t spoken to him since he left her a year ago even when he has tried to talk to me at family events.

@LittleLittleLittle you have him spot on - he is one of life’s victims - no one works as hard as him, he doesn’t get promotions at work because his “face don’t fit” (not that he is no good, obviously), etc

OP posts:
Sassanacs · 30/03/2020 08:08

If you take the right precautions then you should be fine. I shop wearing disposable gloves and a face mask. Make the journey even more worth while by getting some essentials for yourself that have some shelf life.

Drop it to her and ring from the car to say it's outside the door and leave once she's picked it up.

Disinfect everything you've brought into the home (I use anti-bac wipes for packaging and wash fruit n veg in a little soapy water). Clean door handles and anything else you've touched then thoroughly wash your hands.

We've done this every time and so far so good.

If you were unlucky enough to get it the likelihood of your kids being seriously ill is slim.

As for your BIL, well.... Angry

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/03/2020 08:09

Is she willing to have him shop for them? I’d be careful I didn’t start new problems by saying he should do it.

Original poster
TheNightKing · 30/03/2020 08:11

@zafferana he is one of life’s victims (according to him anyway). He is a key worker and all he has said on the family group chat is about how hard it is for him and the OW to find the time to go shopping. They are not working very many extra hours and still have days off like everyone else but according to him, it is nigh on impossible for two adults with no responsibilities to find time to shop....

OP posts:
lmcneil003 · 30/03/2020 08:12

Are you absolutely sure the supermarkets are turning single mums with children away?

They are not just turning single mums with children away. They are turning married mums with children away. And turning nannies with children away.
They don't want children in the store, and rightly so.

Windyone · 30/03/2020 08:14

Anyone suggesting an online shop, it’s impossible to get a delivery slot at any supermarket where we are. Same with Morrison’s boxes.

Original poster
TheNightKing · 30/03/2020 08:16

@SmileyClare @Sassanacs we don’t need to go shopping. We have about a weeks worth of food in the house, an online delivery is booked for Friday (I booked it about two weeks ago). I would offer to get stuff for SIL along with our own online shop but with the restrictions in place (only 2/3 of the vast majority of products and Tesco is restricting the whole shop to a max of 80 items apparently) we will only really be able to get what we need to last us. I think maybe I need to rationalise my fears on this though although social media and news has not helped.

OP posts:
somegoodnewsforonce · 30/03/2020 08:16

@lmcneil003 it's fine to turn away married mothers with children as DH can either do the shopping or look after the children at another time. What I want to know is has anyone who is a single mum (and told the shop that) actually been turned away.

Original poster
TheNightKing · 30/03/2020 08:18

@FrogFairy thanks for the Morrison box suggestion. Unfortunately SIL has a few food allergies and 5yr old DN is very fussy food wise (was seeing medical professional due to it).

OP posts:
TreeTopTim · 30/03/2020 08:19

My local supermarkets aren't turning children away. They are asking if possible to leave the children at home. Asda have said that they have not banned children.

Original poster
TheNightKing · 30/03/2020 08:20

@TestingTestingWonTooFree hmm, good point. Obviously things are fairly bitter between them (although she has been completely fair, rightly so, in terms of access to the children)

OP posts:
LittleLittleLittle · 30/03/2020 08:21

@Windyone online delivery for a Morrisons box takes longer than 3 days.

The quickest online delivery I got took 3 days and that was a fruit and veg box from a small supplier.

Unfortunately someone has to go shopping for her.

OP can you get the shopping this time - everyone is apparently doing social distancing -, say it took you a very long time to get the shopping, explain how you are busy trying to homeschool your children amongst other things, and give your SIL links to Facebook mutual aid Covid-19 groups? There are volunteers who will happily get her shopping for her due to the baby.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 30/03/2020 08:21

I really feel for your SIL, yes from what I gather online slots are like hens teeth, so I'd do the kind thing and get groceries for the 3 of them. BIL should be told what a shit he is, that's your DH job though, I'd not bother getting involved, but the kids need food.

Dyrne · 30/03/2020 08:21

Those saying it’s “impossible” to get a delivery should check their local farm shops, greengrocers, butchers, pubs, restaurants, cafes... you may find they have broadened to doing grocery delivery now. There is a whole wonderful world outside of ASDA, Tesco, Ocado and Sainsbury’s...

GreenTulips · 30/03/2020 08:22

I’ve been shopping recently and they are being really good.

Staff members wipes the trollies before and after use. Line markings everywhere. Screens up at tills. Card only transactions.
Use your own bags.

Most people keep their distances, to a degree!

It’s a very small risk.

I leave my coat and shoes in the porch - wash as soon as I’m in.

TryingToBeBold · 30/03/2020 08:28

I would double check the stores.
I was informed that the "one person" limit was advised and not enforceable.
And that it's no children on their own (I.e. teenagers etc), not no children full stop.
Please check with the store. Many incorrect statements being thrown around.

Sassanacs · 30/03/2020 08:30

Asda are recruiting for home delivery drivers on a quick turnaround so those interested have to just walk into a store and produce their right to work docs and driving license - rolling contract with a minimum of 8 hrs. There should be many more slots available within the next couple of weeks 👍🏼

Beseen19 · 30/03/2020 08:32

To be honest even if she were allowed kids in I wouldnt take my kids just now and wouldnt want my nieces and nephews having to go either. Your BIL is an idiot and terrible father, YANBU and completely justified.

However, on the other hand you know your SIL has no other options and if you could manage then you are truly amazing. I take a cross body bag with only dettol wipes, hand santiser and my card. I collect the trolley, wipe down all the handle and dispose of wipe then santise my hands. Don't touch anything unnecessary during shop definitely not face. Clean bank card with another wipe. Wash hands as soon as shop completed and then obviously once back home. Stay 2m away from everyone. You do not need mask and gloves.

Upstartcrones · 30/03/2020 08:38

you should post on the family group chat 'if you think you're struggling what about your kids? they are going without food because they only have one parent who is looking out for them'.

Your DH not stepping up for his DNs is condoning his brothers behaviour. Your BIL needs to be called out on his behaviour and not have it normalised. Those kids are family too not just his brother.

You sound lovely and caring OP Flowers

Hamsterriffic · 30/03/2020 08:38

Why don’t you put it on the family chat? That should shame him if nothing else Angry

Ragwort · 30/03/2020 08:41

Do you or anyone in your family have underlying health issues? I would do it if it was my family, I am doing shopping for various isolated elderly neighbours and friends. I am also involved in helping the local Food Bank.

Can your SIL find out what voluntary groups have set up in her area to help in situations like this?

NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 08:44

YANBU op. Tell the BIL what a useless desdbeat he is. What have you got to lose at this point?

My H left me and our toddler twins at Christmas. Since this started he hasn’t once asked if we need anything. He’s happily relying on my 70 year old parents (who he has no time for) to endure his children are fed.

Both he and your BIL are arseholes. I don’t know how they sleep at night.

GodolphianArabian · 30/03/2020 08:45

Assuming your husband is healthy I would send your DH. Do remember that the vast majority of cases the disease is mild. As long as your DH is careful, observes social distancing, washes his hands etc his chances are low of contracting the disease. It's not like NHS workers who will be exposed to high viral loads possibly with minimal PPE. It must be awful being in your SIL's position.

FourDecades · 30/03/2020 08:49

You've said he has access to the DC, couldn't she go shopping then?

BlimeyCalmDown · 30/03/2020 08:50

YANBU to say to BIL and I definitely would, even although it's unlikely to change his behaviour.

YABU however to not help out your SIL, imagine if it was your husband who cheated and you were on your own with the kids! You are not in a vulnerable group according to the info you have given, so c'mon now, all hands on deck - we need to all help those who are stuck. This is not a time to be self centred.