To ask for your help for me not to mind being socially rejected

[Andiwouldwalk5hundred]

I have name changed as this could be outing but I'd really appreciate some perspective, and help around how not to mind.

I moved to a small semi rural area about 5 years ago about 4 hours away from my home city and I simply haven't integrated at all with people in the village. I thought I had made friendships but then it becomes obvious that I have been repeatedly not invited to gatherings over and over again, by not being added to WhatsApp groups, by on the occasions when I am socialising with people, which have been nice small group evenings that become mortifying as everyone talks about the great time they had doing x y and z all together, with others, and I have quite obviously been left out. Then there is awkward silence over future plans in front of me to which I am not invited.

I realise we are in lock down so this is a totally moot point but it was compounded when I bumped into someone on a walk who said they must rush off as they were doing a zoom quiz in 5 mins with x y and z.

I get it. I am not the wider social circles cup of tea. A few people like me and are happy to include me in mid week small meets - but I am simply not well liked enough, or I make people feel uncomforle, so it ihen not OK for those who I thought I had made actual friendahips with to include me. Its just horrible.

I have kept going, kept saying yeah that would be great, see you at the pub, or sure let's do dinner midweek etc or yes a girls weekend sounds lovely - when really I just want to tell the lot of them to get fucked and I don't want to see any of them as they make me feel humiliated and embarrassed every single time I see them.

While I appreciate I can't be liked by everyone, and I think about what can I do to be a good friend with those i am friends with, and I try not to worry too much about what other people think of me, this is really getting me down, as especially at the moment when I am under the same huge stress as everyone else but trying to manage day to day with it.
It feels so unnecessary and unkind to leave me out of so many plans but to also have me around as a mid week time killer, I guess.

I left my real friends behind when I moved down here, who I keep in touch with as much as I can but I have tried to build a local community of friends - and I am fairly devastated to say that has not happened and I am so very hurt, especially by people who I had thought I had developed a proper friendship with.

Sorry for the whinge I know it must seem ridiculous. I feel I can't even move away as kids are settled. But maybe once all this is over a school move for the younger when the older goes to secondary may be no bad thing. The school mum atmosphere at the gates and in the pta is absolutely toxic with people endlessly bitching which I want nothing to do with.

Anyway any advice would be gratefully received. Please be kind I am feeling very fragile at the moment.

Sorry I should say I don't want to tell people I am making plans with to 'get fucked' - that came out wrong. What I really mean is, I want to say - are you actually my friend? Or do you just not know how to exit an acquaintanceship which has served its purpose or run its course? and now I have no idea whether to take the hint, or even how to when I am geared towards being sociaabke and friendly.
Essentially, most people make it clear they don't like me by repeatedly ignoring me. Then it seems a few put up with me.

I've never experienced anything like this in my life before, always had great frinship groups and close networks. I thought it wools be easy to do again and it's really not and while I lovw the beautiful countryside I am very unhappy not to have real friends. Sorry again for the whinge and the rant I couldn't sleep and very tearful.

To be honest, for living in a village, it sounds like you’re making pretty good headway. If you’re being included in get together at all you’re doing well. The pace is totally different.

It’s not that they don’t like you. It’s more that many people in a village will be emotionally/socially “full up” with family and friendships that go back to childhood or even go back generations.

So I think you should look at it as you’re doing really, really well and the other, deeper things may come in time.

Sympathy for how you're feeling but you can't meet with anyone at the moment anyhow and schools (and toxic school gates mums) are closed.
Fingers crossed that things will change for you after the lockdown.
Maybe try to keep in touch with the ones you want to be mates with in the meantime to keep up to date?

I think this is fairly common in rural communities, isn't it? You're the newbie, it can take an awfully long time for people to accept you. If they ever do.

It's not you, that's obvious enough. Esoecially as you have established some friendships already. I wouldn't write those friendships off, though, or you will end up further isolated.

Is there a town nearby? Could you join a walking group or your local WI to expand your social circle outside of rhe Village?

I could have written this. In fact I did write something similar. It’s awful, I have tried to make friends, volunteer, be chatty and yet I just feel so isolated. I just get told the people don’t really understand me. I don’t have any advice apart from to see your friends at home more often although difficult normally, impossible at the moment. Please do carry on being friendly, one day you may meet another person who feels just like you.

Sounds like you are doing great at integrating you get asked to the pub on weekends away . I moved towns 6 years ago and haven't managed any of that just made a couple of closeish friends. Honestly sounds to me like you're feeling lonely which is most of us these days

Gosh thank you so much for your kind words and empathy. It means such a lot. Joining a wi or group outside the village sounds like a really good idea - also keeping on going with people I thought were my friends. It's the repeated humiliating stabs of exclusion make me feel so unsettled, I guess.

I will say that 90 percent of the people I know who live here are incomers - wealthy, settled, confident.

I wouldn't say I fall into that category and I often feel pitied, which I am amazed by as I very proud of what I have achieved, albeit not riches.

Sorry @InfiniteSheldon x post - it's so hard isn't. It. And yes I probably am just feeling very lovely like everybody

I had something similar when my child changed school ,About half of the mums of his year had all been friends for years since their children started pre school,so were a tight nit group .they all had friends with each other and had no need for newcomers ..I soon found other mums not in that group and became friends with them...
There must be other people not joining in every thing op
Plus that sounds like a lot of socialising if you have a young family
I’m trying to say
It’s not you
It’s them x

I can’t tell from your post whether you genuinely like and are attracted to these people — you seem very focused on their rejection of you, as you see it.

Look, you can’t make people like you/take you on as a friend, or a close friend, and you certainly can’t make them do it to your timescale. Sometimes you just don’t find your tribe where you are geographically, and it’s no one’s fault.

We moved out of London to a village in the midlands almost eight years ago when I was on maternity leave. I am a socially confident person who’d never had the slightest difficulty making friends in several countries, and I went to, and later ran, baby/toddler groups, attended village events, joined a walking group and a book club, volunteered with Cubs etc, and later, had a child in preschool and the village school, so met people that way.

It just didn’t work for me socially, ever. The type of person who lives in the area and I are just not a good fit — it’s quite insular, there are very few incomers, and people generally socialise with family and their old primary school friends. There was a parents’ class WhatsApp group for DS’s class I didn’t know about for almost two years. It was only when I went back to work at a university in the nearest city that I started effortlessly finding kindred spirits again, and realised I was just a poor fit for the place. All my close friends from that period of my life were via work, and fellow-foreigners.

We’ve since moved to another country (no problem finding friends here, either), but what strikes me about your post is its anger. I think you may also be being unrealistic about timescales here — five years is not long to break into an insular place, where presumably most of the people have known each other far longer and have long-established friendships. Is it really so terrible you’re not invited to everything?

I have a wide circle of friends who do lots together but then we also arrange things in smaller groups as some times it is nice to only have a few of us. I don't get invited to all the little groups nor do I invite everyone to everything. It doesn't mean I am not liked or don't like everybody. As the new person it will be harder to be included in everything. Sounds like they do like you but it can take long time.

I'm absolutely crying my eyes but I think it boils down to one particular friendship with someone I thought was similar to me and was my friend and would id never leave out - and now she's pretty much the worst for it. And I feel like I can't say a word.

Sorry PP, but enjoying the 'tight nit group' typo - conjures up a lovely image of children and adults sticking their heads together

OP, I also think it sounds as if you are doing well. There is an astonishing (and deplorable) number of people around who almost automatically (without really being aware of it) discount close friendships with people 'not like them'. Perhaps, if you're not 'wealthy', there may be a perception that you can't afford certain activities? Or that you wouldn't like them, if you're not particularly outgoing? I do think if you want any socialising in this village at all (and of course it would be your perfect right not to), you can't really afford to be hurt and offended over this. Join in with what you can - 'use' them back, if you feel as if you're being 'used' for midweek company (though if you are being invited on girls' weekends that doesn't entirely stack up). You describe your 'real' friends as living elsewhere - continue to direct your emotional energy towards them and take what you can of village social life. I also think joining something directed towards a specific interest (or starting one in line with your interests) is a good way forward, as it makes your participation 'natural'.

Yeah sorry I'm being over the top and appreciate I sound like a bit of duck which I'm sure I am as well. Thanks for advice - it's not anger I feel but embarrassment.
And yes i am most likely not a good fit here - I would get on better in a different setting I am sure - just don't think a big move would be possible.
Ive got it off my chest now, thanks all

Thanks @cattestreet wise words

It might be the North South divide I do get a lot of comments about how Southern I am, which I took as best at first but now I think maybe I'm actually quite different culturally

*dick not duck
*jest not best

Good luck OP

Oh that is a really horrible situation. I think it would be ok to say could you not discuss other meetups while Im here? I know you dont mean anything by it but its really hurtful.

Also in your head downgrade them all to aquaintances. That differentiation makes a huge difference. Aim for aquaintances, good aquaintances. Friendships might evolve, they might not, but at least you wont be wasting headspace and emotional energy on it.

And you sound nothing like a duck or dick

I agree with pps that you’re actually doing rather well in terms of integration by being included in some things, if not all. And from your update, it sounds as if this is about one person, rather than a general pattern? Are you putting all your eggs in one basket socially? I just can’t imagine making a new friend but feeling I had to include them in every social occasion or risk them feeling like an outcast.

Also, are you having people over for dinner etc?

I struggle with this and sadly it’s one of those where the more you dwell on it and feel awkward the more awkward and difficult it becomes. You can look desperate, whiney and angry which is not attractive.
Also if it’s a gossipy crowd, they’ll be happy that you are on the outside and not them.
Five years is long enough. Don’t let your self esteem spiral any further - you can control your attitude (fun, confident, resilient etc) and the events you set up.
These are not your people.

I totally understand. I used to live in a university city and had no problems finding friends. I moved to a more rural area for kids schools and 6 years later still don’t have a social life/group. I even came off Facebook because it was just mortifying, I tried really hard. Organising get togethers and inviting people over and yet nothing was ever reciprocated. It’s destroyed my confidence to be honest. In all my life I’ve never had these issues making friends. It always came easily. I feel like an odd man out here. I’ve made one reliable friend in 6 years yet she grew up here and has 8 best friends from primary school who all still live in the same area, so I’m way down the list. I’ve actually decided to move away and get a fresh start once this lockdown is over.

Oh and thanks for starting this thread. Until I read your post I thought it was just me. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone

I totally sympathise with where you're coming from, and agree with all the posts you've received.
We lived in a rural village for 20 years and I felt very lonely for a long time. We then moved back to a city, where I'm much happier. It's not because I have more friends here - I don't - but because, in a village, you are just so damn AWARE of what everybody is up to, and that you're not included.
I agree with whoever said that people's lives were socially full up. They would be friendly, to a certain level, but you wouldn't get beyond that.
I'll post again later. I've only just woken up, but I empathised so closely with your post, that I had to post something.