To ask for your help for me not to mind being socially rejected

[Andiwouldwalk5hundred]

I have name changed as this could be outing but I'd really appreciate some perspective, and help around how not to mind.

I moved to a small semi rural area about 5 years ago about 4 hours away from my home city and I simply haven't integrated at all with people in the village. I thought I had made friendships but then it becomes obvious that I have been repeatedly not invited to gatherings over and over again, by not being added to WhatsApp groups, by on the occasions when I am socialising with people, which have been nice small group evenings that become mortifying as everyone talks about the great time they had doing x y and z all together, with others, and I have quite obviously been left out. Then there is awkward silence over future plans in front of me to which I am not invited.

I realise we are in lock down so this is a totally moot point but it was compounded when I bumped into someone on a walk who said they must rush off as they were doing a zoom quiz in 5 mins with x y and z.

I get it. I am not the wider social circles cup of tea. A few people like me and are happy to include me in mid week small meets - but I am simply not well liked enough, or I make people feel uncomforle, so it ihen not OK for those who I thought I had made actual friendahips with to include me. Its just horrible.

I have kept going, kept saying yeah that would be great, see you at the pub, or sure let's do dinner midweek etc or yes a girls weekend sounds lovely - when really I just want to tell the lot of them to get fucked and I don't want to see any of them as they make me feel humiliated and embarrassed every single time I see them.

While I appreciate I can't be liked by everyone, and I think about what can I do to be a good friend with those i am friends with, and I try not to worry too much about what other people think of me, this is really getting me down, as especially at the moment when I am under the same huge stress as everyone else but trying to manage day to day with it.
It feels so unnecessary and unkind to leave me out of so many plans but to also have me around as a mid week time killer, I guess.

I left my real friends behind when I moved down here, who I keep in touch with as much as I can but I have tried to build a local community of friends - and I am fairly devastated to say that has not happened and I am so very hurt, especially by people who I had thought I had developed a proper friendship with.

Sorry for the whinge I know it must seem ridiculous. I feel I can't even move away as kids are settled. But maybe once all this is over a school move for the younger when the older goes to secondary may be no bad thing. The school mum atmosphere at the gates and in the pta is absolutely toxic with people endlessly bitching which I want nothing to do with.

Anyway any advice would be gratefully received. Please be kind I am feeling very fragile at the moment.

Personally having been in a similar situation I found giving up on the acquaintances going nowhere, cultivating solo hobbies and spending more time keeping in touch with old friends was the answer. This won't be right for everyone of course but if its been 5 years I doubt much will change.

If it's one person OP, then just don't bother with them anymore. You don't have to say anything, don't have to pull them up on it, just simply be busy any time they want you.

Having been in this position when I was younger, I'm of the opinion it's better to have no friends than a lot of shit ones. Some people unfortunately play people off against each other on purpose. As I've gotten older I just realised I didn't have the time or energy for it anymore.

Spend your time on interests etc for yourself and invest emotionally in your 'old friends'.

Op, I get it! We moved from a large city to an idyllic northern village but I never fitted in no matter how much effort I made. My parents also moved nearby and they have now got a circle but it took them ten years to really fit in.

What worked for me was to move to a slightly bigger market town near the village and now I have friends! Reminded me it’s nothing to do with me - I just didn’t gel with the people in the village.

There's a reason people moved en masse from rural areas to cities. It wasn't all about the jobs!

I totally get it OP. I too had a friend 'A' who was amazing support, there was also friend 'B' and we were a little group of three.

Now I barely get a hello, only when it suits A and even then I feel uncomfortable and like she's going to slag me off behind my back.

Thing is, A is just a bitch. I was sad to loose the friend I thought she was, but I now realise she's not that friend at all. She probably slags everyone off. And I don't really want to be involved with someone like that! They meet up loads without me but they exclude others as well, it's a weird power trip. I don't have time for it, even though it was sad and I feel a little pang of pain every time she snubs next...

I work a few days a week about an hour away. This helps massively as it gets me out of the village 'bubble' and I don't really 'need' local friends. I have lots of people I can dip into friendships with but I don't get invited to everything they do - similar to yourself. I see it as a positive though. I won't be there for all the laughs but if ever they all fell out I also would be distanced from that.

Enjoy the time out you do have together. But maybe try to get a little job or join a group of sorts further afield to fill the gaps.

I moved to a northern town from London (first job) and, apart from the the work colleagues, I realised it was like wading through treacle making friends. A nice elderly Polish lady on the street said it only took her about 25yrs!

Ironically - after being back in London for another 10yrs - I moved to dhs home town. At least I had his family there - but apart from that it was the same.

Luckily I went back to work once all dc were in nursery and that's where I found friends. I have to say the "other mummy" friends route never worked for me - all we had in common was the fact we'd had children.

I've now been in my current location 25yrs and friendly with lots of people but my main friends are mainly still in London or my home town

When all this is over, can you organise something, ask people over to yours for dinner at the weekend or arrange a meal out? That way, they may start to see you in that way. I also don't think there's anything wrong with saying in a bright and breezy way 'ooh that sounds good, if you go again, don't forget me' when they start talking about something they've done.

Also, maybe make a bit of distance between you and the one who now seems to be the worst. Is there anyone else you feel closer to, or maybe have something in common with? You could try and get a bit closer to them instead? Maybe invite just one person for a coffee (after lock down obvs!) so they can get to know you a bit better and realise you're not actually that different.

I have moved around a lot and know exactly what you’re talking about. I do think there are big cultural differences between North and South. Money also makes a big difference.
I also think there are many communities which have a very static population. People have known each other all their lives and their families live nearby. They haven’t moved around or experienced much of life behind their own area , and have no curiosity or interest in others.
I think you’ve had some very good advice here.
Downgrade these people to acquaintances and stop looking to them for friendship. Ditch the person you thought was a friend.
Concentrate on building solo interests or join a book group, the WI, a walking group. Learn a new language.
Make time to see your old friends as much as you can.
You aren’t alone.

Do you join in local activities, e.g. classes, reading groups, WI, exercise groups, bellringing, whatever? Do you do anything at the school like volunteering, PTA or the governors?

If your youngest child is settled in school with friends, I wouldn't take them out just because you don't like the parents. In fact doing that might make you seem stand-offish.

Sometimes even within what seems a large group there are occasions where there are events that do not include everyone. A school friends night out to laugh about memories, people who have worked together and sometimes an old member organises a meet up.

I really do feel for you, I've moved a lot in my life for various work and family related reasons, and I know only too well how hard it is. I regard a job or a life situation a success if, when I move on from it, I take at least one friendship with me.

While there is a superficial difference between north and south, I've also lived in a northern town that was really unfriendly (in between Manchester and Liverpool) and a southern town that was really friendly (Exeter), so it really does vary. I've actually seen more of a difference between rural and city, and it does seem to make a difference if there's a big university or college and a large hospital in the town too. I suppose because you've then got people coming in from all over (or had), so people are used to mixing and changing jobs.The most adaptable people I ever worked with when it came to making friendships and letting them go too were all either military or healthcare related in some way.

I grew up in one big city (Newcastle) that I wasn't all that suited to, and I lived briefly in Bristol, which is quite friendly. I now live in a coastal town in Somerset that is lovely to visit for the day but really not all that friendly, the couple of friends I did make here were through work and, like me, both incomers.

With things they are at the moment, I really feel for you. I've stayed friends with many folk from over the years though, including a few from school, and at the moment that's what's keeping me going. (Well, that, my landlady, and the cats!) (Okay, and Netflix.)

I think, when this is over, joining something like the WI is a great idea - I know of at least 2 people in very rural areas who've found them a lifeline. I know one of them lives in a location where the WI has set up a kind of outreach to help folk who might be a bit isolated - could you check to see if your WI has anything similar?

And, you know, someone else made a good point about how long it can take to break into a rural community. One of the people I mentioned above got chatting to one of her neighbours, who said she was still an incomer after 30 years! And she only came from 30 miles down the road, but it was the big city, see!!

Sending you and

Do you want to be friends with them for the sake of having friends, or do you actually like some of them? Do you have FOMO Fear of Missing Out), or are they actually doing stuff you like to do. Sit down and make a list of all the things you like doing and find clubs or Facebook groups or similar that cater for your interests. You are much more likely to find your tribe there than amongst people who have grown up with each other or the local high society. Does the local college or uni offer extra mural or short courses? That could be a good place to start.

No advice OP but wanted to say that you deserve to be included. You sound like a nice person

Take the initiative. Don't wait to be invited. Do the inviting yourself!

Read 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' by Dale Carnegie.

Sounds like you're doing well, but you just need that extra oomph to get you to that next level.

Gosh really thank you for the support and advice it means so much to me--I need do kids breakfast and then set up home school but will be back when I can later this morn. Thanks again it's made such a difference to read so many kind replies

When we moved area a few years ago DH was very laid back about where, the type of house, garden whether or not it had parking or a garage, his only non negotiable was it can't be in a little village, when asked why he will simply say 'they are full of insular, passive aggressive dickeads', his sweeping generalisation links to his parents moving from London suburbs to a tiny village when he was 18, he had to go home in uni holidays and after graduating for a bit and hated it, he still doesn't like the area now (I think it's lovely). His thinking is why should anyone (his mum mainly) have to bend over backwards and jump through hoops for others to be civil?

If it is a "mummy" friend who is upsetting you - or generally people with children in the same year groups of yours please, please remember - they are just people who had sex at them same time as you. That could well be the only thing you have in common with you.

I was rejected by new school mums because I hadn't been skiing and when I spoke to one mum about it she then told the others so the ext day they completely over the top greeted a mum whose kids had joined after mine and I just stopped all interaction. Pathetic immature people aren't friend material.

Stop wasting your time with people who aren't worth it. Don't be entertainment for them.

Totally get it. I live in France and have done for 25 years. Old village for 22 years. Met people from day 1. Good social life, really great friends.

Moved into DHs village 3 years ago. Not 1 friend really. Not once invited for coffee. But then I go to work and people like me, I can make friends etc. It's really not me it's the place. Unfortunately DH either doesn't understand or feels it's impossible to change the situation.

When my Dad married DSM they had a huge party under à rather feeble pretext and then got invited back to all those people's houses for dinner or what have you. But here when we invite people we don't even get invited back.

I don't think there is a solution.

When I moved to a small village, for quite a long time the villagers would see me out walking my then boyfriend's dog and say hello and good morning to the dog. It took a looooong time for them to acknowledge me. It isn't you, it's the village mentality.

If they ever do start talking to you, you will probably wish they hadn't, because of village gossip. At least if they don't know you the gossip isn't based on even a nugget of truth. When my next door neighbour called the police because someone stole her plants and they sent a car round, village gossip had it that we had been raided by the drugs squad!!

Ok just playing devil’s advocate for a minute...I hate being in large, superficial groups. I am one of those people who has a tight knit group of friends. We’ve been in each other’s lives for over a decade - some of us longer. We’ve been through the deaths of parents, breakups, having children, not being able to have children, cancer etc… In all honesty I wouldn’t welcome having somebody new join this group nor would I want them to. It would have to be somebody extraordinary and outstanding and even then I wouldn’t stop talking about our previous shared experiences. This is not nastiness nor is it trying to exclude anybody. Some of these friends have other friendship groups which are larger and more superficial but I don’t. I just want to be friends with these people who I am incrediby close to. I actually have a great many friends but I don’t find it easy to be superficial with people so I wouldn’t include someone just for the sake of it if that makes sense.

Q

I feel like this atm. Moved to a new village and everyone has said I’ve integrated really well I do get invite to lots of ‘bigger’ events. There has been a couple of occasions recently where smaller groups have got together which have included someone in particularly close to but she’s not extended that invitation out to me - her choice but she’s also not mentioned it either. For example I saw her fri morn (a few weeks ago now) ‘have a nice weekend - doing anything nice’ her: just the usual - that night cue fb filled with lots of pics of their night out. This has happened 3/4 times now.
Personally I would just say what I’m up to and extend the invitation but you can’t expect others to do what you would do.
I think keep going to the wider social events and try to make friends outside the village too op.

There is an understanding nowadays that loneliness can be experienced even though someone has a crowd of people they can be with and it can affect anyone. For example, someone can be really busy with work but still have no-one to share weekends or evenings with.

I'm grateful for this thread too.

Can only share some of how I experience things. I'm a lone parent, we are past primary school now in secondary with a teen. I felt lonely for different reasons. Maybe see it this way - some people are not very good at 'perceived difference'. Meaning if someone thinks you are 'different' from them (and even a threat) - because they think you are - looking for a husband (which I'm not) - better educated - (I don't think wisdom depends on certificates) - culturally different (you could always argue that one as everyone is different) - speak differently...

amazingly I went to a newly openend community initiative recently before the outbreak and made a big effort to listen to others...you know make the right noises. Very quickly the leader told me I was 'too articulate'. meaning that my accent was different from other people.

I was really upset at first, but decided it wasn't for me.

I know that actually I can chat to anyone and feel the reaction there was way more about them than it was about me.

I'm sorry it is so hard. I feel there are likely to be people where you are, who feel very similar to yourself, but maybe you haven't met them yet. I heard on the radio about the loneliness project in London worth googling. Before the virus there was an initiative whereby you could start a table in a local café in case anyone wanted to chat.

It is also hard admitting that you want someone to talk to, goodness knows why though, but there seems to be a stigma about it. We need to break the stigma.

This morning I saw the sad news about the german finance minister taking his own life because he couldn't see solutions for everything. People are in danger from not just the virus but not knowing where they can go for a friendly word or understanding.

So in this sense I say well done for posting here.

all best
mid

I think you’re being a bit hard on yourself and them. You’re being invited to girls weekends and midweek get togethers but are unhappy you’re not “weekend worthy”. I don’t really understand what you’re so upset about, aren’t you more inclined to want to spend the weekend with your own family or maybe arrange to have established friends up for a visit?