To ask for your help for me not to mind being socially rejected

[Andiwouldwalk5hundred]

I have name changed as this could be outing but I'd really appreciate some perspective, and help around how not to mind.

I moved to a small semi rural area about 5 years ago about 4 hours away from my home city and I simply haven't integrated at all with people in the village. I thought I had made friendships but then it becomes obvious that I have been repeatedly not invited to gatherings over and over again, by not being added to WhatsApp groups, by on the occasions when I am socialising with people, which have been nice small group evenings that become mortifying as everyone talks about the great time they had doing x y and z all together, with others, and I have quite obviously been left out. Then there is awkward silence over future plans in front of me to which I am not invited.

I realise we are in lock down so this is a totally moot point but it was compounded when I bumped into someone on a walk who said they must rush off as they were doing a zoom quiz in 5 mins with x y and z.

I get it. I am not the wider social circles cup of tea. A few people like me and are happy to include me in mid week small meets - but I am simply not well liked enough, or I make people feel uncomforle, so it ihen not OK for those who I thought I had made actual friendahips with to include me. Its just horrible.

I have kept going, kept saying yeah that would be great, see you at the pub, or sure let's do dinner midweek etc or yes a girls weekend sounds lovely - when really I just want to tell the lot of them to get fucked and I don't want to see any of them as they make me feel humiliated and embarrassed every single time I see them.

While I appreciate I can't be liked by everyone, and I think about what can I do to be a good friend with those i am friends with, and I try not to worry too much about what other people think of me, this is really getting me down, as especially at the moment when I am under the same huge stress as everyone else but trying to manage day to day with it.
It feels so unnecessary and unkind to leave me out of so many plans but to also have me around as a mid week time killer, I guess.

I left my real friends behind when I moved down here, who I keep in touch with as much as I can but I have tried to build a local community of friends - and I am fairly devastated to say that has not happened and I am so very hurt, especially by people who I had thought I had developed a proper friendship with.

Sorry for the whinge I know it must seem ridiculous. I feel I can't even move away as kids are settled. But maybe once all this is over a school move for the younger when the older goes to secondary may be no bad thing. The school mum atmosphere at the gates and in the pta is absolutely toxic with people endlessly bitching which I want nothing to do with.

Anyway any advice would be gratefully received. Please be kind I am feeling very fragile at the moment.

I grew up in a village and sadly this is how it works. People are suspicious and insular. They socialise with family and childhood friends. My parents arrived on the new estate that was built in the Village and socialised with all the other newcomers, they never mixed with the original villagers. Some of these "villagers" had never left even though London is about 35 miles away. As previous posters have said - why would you want to be friends with these people?

OP I had this moving to a small town from a big city. I’ve always had lovely friends - no trouble making or keeping - but found it impossible to make friends with any depth for the first three years. This really spiralled me into a depression and I had to let go of a lot of casual friendships as I kept feeling so rejected - they just weren’t friends who were actually that interested in having me in their close circle and although lovely people on the surface didn’t have the same values as me. Then gradually the real friends came into the picture - mums from school, neighbours - because they were more like me - they gave the same back and now I have good friends. You almost need to keep being friendly until you meet those people who seem genuinely interested in you and work on them. I can totally relate and it’s clear it’s not your problem - don’t give up and be kind to yourself. Xxxxxx

I totally relate to this. I appear to be tolerable to chat to/hang out with if there's no one better around, in our village. It used to really get me down, but I'm firmly on the other side now, don't bother trying any more and instead spend my time/effort with proper friends.

I TOTALLY understand this

I recently moved back to the area I grew up in and from Day 1 back the difference was INCREDIBLE

I had been living in a country market town and me and this guy I worked with (from same area as me) constantly talked about how baffled we were by the superiority complex that apparently afflicted the whole town.

The snobbery about being FROM that specific area and nowhere else was unreal

I didn't make a single friend in two years

Royston Vasey had nothing on it

Oh and one of the surrounding villages produced a household name.

Everyone you met claimed they knew the family and were in their social circle yet couldn't back this up with any evidence

That bit was quite amusing.

Thanks all you've all really cheered me up.
Much appreciated at the end of a difficult day

I moved to a rural area about 9 years ago. Up to that point I had moved various times and made friends every time, I had found it easy to get on with nearly everyone, and would usually find a kindred spirit or two who were good friends. I would avoid getting close to anyone I didn't think I could trust.

In the new area things started well. And then suddenly I was completely blanked, to the same extent you are - pretences re meet ups but effectively blanked. They were mostly "incomers" like me so it wasn't the "village" thing.

I was really shocked and upset.

Eventually, after trying to work out what had happened and not able to, I took it at face value and moved on emotionally, staying civil but distant, and eventually new people came, and I made friends. I also got on well with the people who had lived in the area for most of their lives.

Had one surreal moment, when a new person was friendly and it then turned out they were more friendly with the "old" group and were basically feeding info back to them and not friends with me at all! Which I found hard to take seriously, after the initial shock, again, given that we were not all about 10

Looking back, I hadn't got to know the group who "rejected" me and they weren't people I would have ever been close to, and after a bit would probably be people I'd try to avoid. They have done the same to others. I think they are just really, really odd now. I wouldn't have treated them how they treated me but I try to live and let live - they have their thing, I have mine, it is all good.

A positive thing is that I don't think I'd ever be shocked by this sort of thing again, I would recognise it quicker and move on more quickly.

I do think the north south thing makes a difference. I am from the south but went to a northern uni and it took a while to get the hang of the different culture. Once I did it was great, this was when I was much younger and ended up working there for a couple of years before moving to London. But there might be something in that, cultural differences.

It might be that after a bit longer you gel with them? It depends on whether they are the sort of people you'd like to gel with eventually.