To ask for your help for me not to mind being socially rejected

[Andiwouldwalk5hundred]

I have name changed as this could be outing but I'd really appreciate some perspective, and help around how not to mind.

I moved to a small semi rural area about 5 years ago about 4 hours away from my home city and I simply haven't integrated at all with people in the village. I thought I had made friendships but then it becomes obvious that I have been repeatedly not invited to gatherings over and over again, by not being added to WhatsApp groups, by on the occasions when I am socialising with people, which have been nice small group evenings that become mortifying as everyone talks about the great time they had doing x y and z all together, with others, and I have quite obviously been left out. Then there is awkward silence over future plans in front of me to which I am not invited.

I realise we are in lock down so this is a totally moot point but it was compounded when I bumped into someone on a walk who said they must rush off as they were doing a zoom quiz in 5 mins with x y and z.

I get it. I am not the wider social circles cup of tea. A few people like me and are happy to include me in mid week small meets - but I am simply not well liked enough, or I make people feel uncomforle, so it ihen not OK for those who I thought I had made actual friendahips with to include me. Its just horrible.

I have kept going, kept saying yeah that would be great, see you at the pub, or sure let's do dinner midweek etc or yes a girls weekend sounds lovely - when really I just want to tell the lot of them to get fucked and I don't want to see any of them as they make me feel humiliated and embarrassed every single time I see them.

While I appreciate I can't be liked by everyone, and I think about what can I do to be a good friend with those i am friends with, and I try not to worry too much about what other people think of me, this is really getting me down, as especially at the moment when I am under the same huge stress as everyone else but trying to manage day to day with it.
It feels so unnecessary and unkind to leave me out of so many plans but to also have me around as a mid week time killer, I guess.

I left my real friends behind when I moved down here, who I keep in touch with as much as I can but I have tried to build a local community of friends - and I am fairly devastated to say that has not happened and I am so very hurt, especially by people who I had thought I had developed a proper friendship with.

Sorry for the whinge I know it must seem ridiculous. I feel I can't even move away as kids are settled. But maybe once all this is over a school move for the younger when the older goes to secondary may be no bad thing. The school mum atmosphere at the gates and in the pta is absolutely toxic with people endlessly bitching which I want nothing to do with.

Anyway any advice would be gratefully received. Please be kind I am feeling very fragile at the moment.

This is a lot of pressure to put on yourself. I’ve lived where I am for 20 years and have one friend here and some acquaintances to say hi to.

I’ve learnt over time that if someone else doesn’t want a lot to do with you, that’s all there is to it, you can’t make them think something they don’t. There’s someone 3 doors down from me that was my closest friend when our children were little. She is now only barely able to muster up a hi. It is what it is.

As others have said, it would be a great idea to join groups e.g. WI. Get stuck in and involved. Be kind and smiley and slowly you’ll get to know some lovely people.

Op, some things stand out to me in your post. Hopefully this is practical help.

Firstly do you invite people, are you ever the instigator? Your post is very much about how you’re left out, but there is no mention of people not coming when you ask them.

Secondly it sounds like you don’t really like these people but have high expectations of them. The school mums you call toxic and don’t want to join in. You say there is silence when they discuss things in front of you, but possibly that could be your reaction is making them uncomfortable, it’s very hard to hide if we feel hurt.

You say you want to tell people to get fucked, but change it to you want to ask them if they are your friend, but don’t talk about how you’ve demonstrated friendship to them. The support you’ve given, the invites you’ve issued, all the different things, it seems you go to things, and want to be invited to go to things, but rely on others to do the inviting, you don’t invite, you don’t reciprocate.

Could this be part of it, could you try to organise things when this is done, invite small groups, coffee, lunch, pub, walks, whatever. To reach out to people to see how they are, to integrate at the school gates?

I get it’s hard, but friendship is not just turning up, waiting for invites, friendship is a two way street. Sometimes we have to lead, other times be led.

It could be these things have occured and you just missed them from your post.

Sounds really tough to feel you don't fit in. Can you move back closer to your friends or is that not an option? Life's to short to stay in a miserable situation if you don't absolutely have to!

I lived in a village most of my life and was still seen as an outsider, even though new people were greeted with open arms, I moved away and it was the best thing ever.

Sometimes our face just doesn't fit.

I came to the conclusion that it is their loss.

As others have said, it would be a great idea to join groups e.g. WI. Get stuck in and involved. Be kind and smiley and slowly you’ll get to know some lovely people.

Unfortunately, that isn't always the case. And, as I've said above, it's no one's fault. I certainly did all the smiling and volunteering and joining in, only to realise years later that the kind of people I usually made friends with simply didn't live in my village and environs, and I wasn't the kind of person that interested or attracted the kind of person who did live there.

I think another issue is simply different ideas about permanence and time scales I've lived in lots of countries, and I've kept friends from all different life stages, and I'm used to being upfront about seizing the opportunity of making friends with people I like, rather than just assuming they'll still be there in three years or five or ten I stay in touch with people and still consider them my friends even when I haven't seen them in the flesh in years. I only realised how different this was to the mindset of my village when I was walking out of a school event with the father of one of DS's friends they were about five or six and him saying 'Aren't they cute together? Can't you imagine them being one another's best man when they get married?'

I just realised how foreign that was to my mentality, and how he just assumed the boys would always be at school together and live in the same place, because he still played football with his old primary school village friends, while I knew perfectly well that that was vanishingly unlikely. I think the fact that we had already lived in other countries coded as 'uncommitted' and 'not worth making friends with because we were likely to leave' for some people, for whom friends are the people who are in front of you. (We moved countries three months ago and DS has sent messages and video messages to his friend on the friend's dad's phone, and there's never been a reply from either of them.)

Which is not to say that either approach is better or worse, just that they're a mismatch. It's not necessarily that the OP has left something undone, or has not made enough effort.

I think though there is an element of truth in getting stuck in.

For example we have friends who moved rurally, about three hours away from where they previously lived, with no contacts and never having lived there before, to a small village, last year.

They got stuck in, for example a young neighbouring couple let their garden over grow and in passing they mentioned they were struggling, so they said no probs, want us to help, and they said god yes if you’re sure, so we were all invited up and spent a day helping clear, our Male friend then spent about a further week helping them out. The couple also got stuck in and provided drinks and food, they were delighted,

An elderly neighbouring lady was taken into hospital, so they went and cut her grass for her, so she didn’t come back to an over grown mess, and planted some pretty flowers, put her bins out.

They invited all their neighbours round for drinks, impromptu after the pub type events, and some more planned, but they often had a house full.

When the pub had events on they cooked and brought food, went along, joined it, and they helped out, and they joined the local committees to organise events.

When folks in the village were selling things, plants, eggs etc, they stopped and bought them.

When events were held where attendance was a concern, they invited us all up, we bought tickets and turned up, boosting attendance and making everyone happy,

They even pet sat some animals. They literally threw themselves into it, and expected nothing in return, they did the inviting, they did the helping, and they asked for nothing back.

The upshot is they are now invited to everything, everyone stops to talk to them, even in the pub people are constantly coming up to chat.

And when they chat, they ask questions and listen, they make it about the other person “how is your mum, can I do something” that kind of thing.

In a year they have become a key and accepted part of the community. So I think there is an element of it being a two way street, it’s not just expecting to be invited and turning up, but also being proactive in doing the inviting yourself, and going out of your way to help.

Wow, this is such an interesting thread. I feel as if I want to copy and paste big swathes of it to mull over (and also wave them in front of people at my church, actually, but that's something of an aside).

I think I have this too. Moved when married to a very rural and small community in a county a very long way from where I had lived before. Would probably not fit in in the place I come from either, now. From rural place, to a county town in the same county. Feel as if I have not recovered for about 12 years but the county town is so much better in terms of groups I'd meet and have a chance with, than the rural location. Still, many of you are right - the friendships go back to childhood, and if a DC has older brothers or sisters, this also seems to have made some people cross paths with each other earlier.
Thanks for posting and hope you soon feel that it is less of a 'thing'.

Gosh thanks all.
I really really appreciate hearing about your experiences and your kindness to me.

It's one of those things.... Like the poster above says, I don't fit in here but after so many years of being here I wouldn't fit in where I'm from either. I have seen my mum become completely isolated by doing large moves post divorce and post retirement... There's something about just putting up with where you are and making the best of it.

I won't be able to move for about 15 years and maybe I will then... Or maybe I will accept that while I love the area, I do not need to be in the village and nor does dd need to stay in the school past infants, should we all decide a bigger school with more opportunities would suit her better.

And maybe the local market town would suit us better as would a job at the uni. All food for thought, thank you

I grew up in a village - I think my parents always felt like this till recently and they've been there over 40 years now.

We lived in small town for a few years and our neighbourhood it described itself as having a village feel - I wish I'd known first as it was incredibly insular everyone had family and friends from childhood and just weren't interested in new people.

DH worked in neaby cities and apparently whole town was known for it locally. I made a huge effort, for kids sake in later years - but it was a huge relief to move on with work and live in a city again.

I work at a uni (have worked at 2 since moving, both in London with me in commuting distance of an hour). Wish I would have stayed close friends with my first one's group of colleagues who were genuinely very much my kind of people...but in reality they also live in other parts of the country, not where they work, and are very busy so we have lost touch without the work angle to underpin interactions. I have to say, based on that, I don't have the same expectation or hope of my newer colleagues although I do enjoy working with them. Additionally, my experience has also been a lot of restructures, in both unis, so this can feel very threatening to a sociable or team supporting environment and can also be a catalyst for people looking round to move if that happens.

Sometimes universities offer things like choirs or short courses that are less work-centred (mix of employees and general public). Perhaps that kind of thing would be a good way of seeing how a university reaches out, what its 'feel' is like etc.

And just as an addition to the 'work at a university' paragraph I posted above, I've found it seems to be very important to be able to participate in the social things in order to be memorable enough - the odd drink after work, quizzes/events, birthdays, that kind of thing. With a commute and a young child, I really haven't been able to commit to that for a lot of the time. I suppose it applies to anywhere, but it may be worth trying to plan so that you would definitely be able to do that if you changed jobs, as it's another thing that can contribute to feeling very peripheral if you're not free to do it.

everybody has just posted such wise posts, I have nothing much left to say, but 'don't blame yourself'. I through myself into everything, but it didn't bring me friendship. I became unhappy, which made me less attractive to other people.
I got through by learning not to expect too much of people. There might be any number of reasons why friendships with them aren't working out.
Tune out of social media telling you of the great time they are all having together.
Decide what you want to do and do it, as far as you're able, and don't expect friendship to come from it. I
In the end, I made (a few) friends though starting a book group and learning to play a musical instrument and playing with a couple of other women.
But the bottom line for me was that rural life just wasn't my thing. (the last statement is probable no use at all, sorry).

I can concur with above, my experience of trying lots of things and the constant failure really took a toll. I became resentful of the people, kind of a "why should I be expected to spend years buttsucking? You guys aren't anything special". It wasn't good.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad or that you "aren't trying hard enough," if you want to limit how much effort you put in. Doing things you enjoy without any expectations is healthier.

More wise words thank you all

It really helps to be reminded this isn't me.

This doesn't define me - it is likely this is somewhere good for the kids to grow up but it's likely i will move once schools / open space/ pleasant journey for the school run and clubs is no longer the prevailing concern. Which makes me transient.

Like everything else in life i guess!

On a less philosophical note I just do not get how on earth it has occurred that I need to bend over backwards or risk outright hostility from others. It just feels crazy.

@SnuggyBuggy that is exaxtly what it feels like!! I do not get how on earth this phenomenon occurs what on earth is this about?? Social dominance, in group out group pecking order, social ranking, safety seeking?? Thoughts welcomed!

I'm not referring to anyone who has posted on this thread at all but there is so much bad advice on making friends bandied about. I've certainly had loads in my lonely period

Sounds like you are doing pretty well to me!

I've lived in my semi-rural village for 8 years and have only one couple I'd consider real friends and I actually met them elsewhere not knowing they lived practically next door.

I'm an antisocial git though and I actually like the fact that I'm not part of some village gang.

I think you are overthinking it. Really. You can't force it. Some people will have known each other for years and years and just don't think to include other people in meet ups that have been going on for donkeys years.

I know if sounds trite, but relax. Weirdly I've spoken to more people in the village since lockdown as those that can are all volunteering to help out via a village group.

You sound nice. I'm sure you are nice. Try not to get annoyed with people because of imagines slights. Because that's what they are. Most people really don't think about others and what they are feeling.

As your post demonstrates- we are all far too busy thinking about ourselves and what other people think of us

you know what used to really get to me? I used to religiously follow the mantra of 'don't talk about yourself, listen to other people'.
And then, after a shedload of self-effacement, see women who were incredibly boring and self obsessed, who, whatever the topic of conversation was, would turn it round to themselves in 5 seconds, become incredibly popular.

Same here and Ive actually told them to f** off.
Well not in words but by completely distancing myself from them. "If after a few years, you still cant treat me respectfully then you are the one missing out, not me" has beem my motto.

The reality of doing that has been 2 fold

• I started to feel better in myself because I wasnt constanty feeling rejected/not good enough
• because I wasn't holding onto the hope something would come out of those interacions, I started to build a life for myself, away from them. There are many many ways to fill those need for connexion I found once you stop trying to create them 'the normal way' and/or by integrating into the village/community.

Fwiw, I have heard many times that this is normal, this is village life for you or that famous 'oh they obviously like you if they do xxx'.
No they dont. They are disrespectful and showing total contempt. There is no reason why you would treat 'other people' with less respect than your friends and they certainly would never accept any behaviour like this from friends (or family etc...)

And YY to the fact that once the children are in secondary school all that pressure to 'fit in' disappears.
Find what works for you, the peole you are happy to spend time with. And ignore them.

I can concur with above, my experience of trying lots of things and the constant failure really took a toll. I became resentful of the people, kind of a "why should I be expected to spend years buttsucking? You guys aren't anything special"

That cracked me up, @SnuggyBuggy, because while that wasn't my response to the insularity of village life, I had exactly that response to reading @Bluntness100's account of the sheer amount of labour and effort her friends went to to be accepted in their village -- unpaid pet-sitting, inviting up their old friends to help clearing other people's gardens for days at a time, on every committee, bringing food and a posse from their old home to every under-attended event, etc.

To me that's quite mad. I mean, I did things like volunteer for Cubs, and run the baby/toddler group when the previous organiser quit, and litter-pick, and I always supported community cinema/village fete things and I previously lived on a small island (not UK) which was heavily dependent on each inhabitant helping to run the island shop, do basic communal tasks etc but I honestly can't imagine feeling so desperate to be talked to in the pub that I was prepared to become the unpaid village drudge to 'earn' it.

I mean, do you really want a circle that only includes you on the basis that you contribute far more than other people to make up for the fact that you're new?

I don’t think you’re doing too badly either, if included in some things. Try and be a bit more happy go lucky about it - I’ve done a few large moves and it takes time, and not every friendship works.

I’m intrigued by the how to win friends and influence people — wonder if it’s still as relevant in this social media filled world think I may have to make this my next read

My brother and his wife have moved more times than I’ve had hot dinners. They never had children so in order to integrate they always did that “bend over backwards” shite to be accepted. It nearly always ended up with them being made complete mugs which they then got resentful about and they’d move somewhere else and make the same mistake all over again.