To not want to look after DN regularly?

[Rosesarenotred]

DS (sister) has 5 DC. DN6 has severe SEN. It’s a difficult life for DS and BIL. Their lives are very restricted by their DD with SEN.

DS asked me to look after their DC while her and BIL went out for the day, they had a lovely time but I really struggled being punched and kicked by DN. Also still in nappies which need changing regularly. DN is not verbal and I don’t know how to communicate with her and she gets increasingly angry and then lashes out. They are starting to ask me and more often to babysit (pre virus obviously but already asking for when the virus is over). I know DS struggles because BIL leaves most of the childcare to her. He has various ‘hobbies’. No other family members are willing to help I presume because of DN. They can’t get childcare for DN either.

I work FT I have DC also, she has looked after my DC (10 and 12) but mine are older and not in nappies and can amuse themselves. I know it’s a lifeline for her but every time I babysit it is an utter nightmare. I find it really hard to look after all 5 of them too.

I'm shocked that 15% have voted YABU. I don't think you are at all. It sounds like you find your DN almost impossible to care for and as you say, it's only likely to get more difficult as she gets older. I think you were wise not to take up your sister's offer of babysitting your DC - it sounds like she's doing it so she can ask you to look after her five, which is not on.

She and her DH chose to have five DC, it's their responsibility to look after them. I would tell her that unless it's for an emergency, you will be unable to look after them in the future. Some good advice has been given re finding someone suitable to babysit your DN and if you pass that on to your sister it's then up to her to take them forward.

Good luck.

I was looking after her DC more often than she had mine. I didn’t feel like I should ask her because she has so much on her plate but she insisted. Then I feel obligated to look after hers. But it is so much harder to look after her DC and have to change nappies, put the DC to bed.

I think this is a big part of explaining how you are feeling @Rosesarenotred, you feel almost guilty and obliged to look after hers because she looked after yours. But you need to remind yourself (as if you need to!) that the level of care and responsibility are not on a par at all, 2 kids out of nappies and able to entertain themselves are nowhere close to 5 kids, one in nappies and having special needs - especially exhibiting aggression when frustrated.

Its a totally different ask, different situation and one you are really struggling with.

Do what feels right for you, be honest and supportive of her but don't let yourself be guilted into doing something regularly if you find it really stressful and you struggle to cope with it - I think anyone would struggle with that plus your own 2!

You're doing more than enough, be kind to yourself .

Are your sister and BIL claiming absolutely everything they should be? DLA? Carers allowance? (Assuming one doesn’t work and is taking on most of the care of your niece)

If so, they should qualify for respite for your niece. I think the amount per week that is funded varies, and possibly how to apply for it but if they google their area and respite for disabled children information should come up as it goes through the council/social care website.

I feel massively sorry for your sister. Raising a child with disabilities is hard work and can be so isolating. However, you are not the right person to babysit your niece, however much you love her. That’s not your fault or hers.

5 DC

As others had said she can't eat her cake and have it.

She needs to apply for DLA and also get in touch with charities like mencap.

Stop looking after her kids.

She wants you to babysit so she can spend time with her husband? That would make my blood boil quite frankly. So he gets his child-free hobby time thanks to his wife and then gets child-free wife time thanks to his sister-in-law. FUCK THAT!

This - with bells on!
She's emotionally blackmailing you into babysitting, even being manipulative by insisting on your dc and creating this scenario
Doesn't sound like she has any respect for your time or your feelings......

.....why hasn't she pooled that energy and focus into sorting out her husband? Or separating from him?

She prefers to come down heavy on you to comply....and all so that she can spend time alone with that shit of an excuse that passes for a man?!

Shift your perspective and you won't feel so guilt ridden.....she certainly doesn't.

So your sister has 5 children under 10, one with complicated needs, a husband with hobbies, who avoids parenting, so she guilts her sister who works full time, with her own children, to give her a break.....

I think your sister is a CF and she is using you.

In fact if you need to go Low Contact, then do.

You are being used by her and her husband.

She needs to sort her husband out.

I agree with those who suggest you tell her, you are not able to this.

But perhaps you will have to pull back.

I would be someone who would want to help too, but being used like that would not be on.

You have a fulltime job and need your downtime.

She wants to increase how often you babysit.....I bet she does!!

She clearly thinks you are a bit of a mug OP.

She doesn't have the luxury of refusing outside help...

You have been very generous already....time to nip this in the bud.

Tough shit. Respite is available but she wants you as her skivvy.

You must be kidding.

If her child doesn’t even get DLA, there is no way in hell she would qualify for social care respite. We have twins with similar needs and we don’t.

She needs to reapply for DLA, she must surely have an EHCP with that level of need? She can request a social care assessment, and she needs to - she may not qualify at this point but she needs to keep banging on the door.

Assuming you are in England, Scotland or Wales, five DC is a CHOICE.

Nobody HAS to continue with a pregnancy if they don't want to - they can choose what they want to do.

She has 'a lot on her plate' because she put it a lot of it there herself.