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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after DN regularly?

108 replies

Rosesarenotred · 29/03/2020 09:18

DS (sister) has 5 DC. DN6 has severe SEN. It’s a difficult life for DS and BIL. Their lives are very restricted by their DD with SEN.

DS asked me to look after their DC while her and BIL went out for the day, they had a lovely time but I really struggled being punched and kicked by DN. Also still in nappies which need changing regularly. DN is not verbal and I don’t know how to communicate with her and she gets increasingly angry and then lashes out. They are starting to ask me and more often to babysit (pre virus obviously but already asking for when the virus is over). I know DS struggles because BIL leaves most of the childcare to her. He has various ‘hobbies’. No other family members are willing to help I presume because of DN. They can’t get childcare for DN either.

I work FT I have DC also, she has looked after my DC (10 and 12) but mine are older and not in nappies and can amuse themselves. I know it’s a lifeline for her but every time I babysit it is an utter nightmare. I find it really hard to look after all 5 of them too.

OP posts:
VegetableMunge · 29/03/2020 10:12

The better solution of course would be for the children's father to pull his finger out of his arse...

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 29/03/2020 10:13

Nobody should be out for the day ..
Surely? I dont understand. Only essential reasons..

CalleighDoodle · 29/03/2020 10:13

I had my dn every weekend before cv. He is 3 and very compliant so not really an issue, but she never, ever looked after my two. That annoys me. I also had to fill in his school application because dn’s parents were too lazy to do it... Hmm

Your sister needs to apply for respite care if she can. My friend had this with her oldest from her being a toddler as she has asd, still wears nappies in high school, and other issues.

Bowerbird5 · 29/03/2020 10:16

Have a look for local Mencap and see if they are eligible. I know a few people I trained with work for them sometimes. They are trained Nursery Nurses who sometimes do babysitting. Check it out and then when she next asks you can say you don’t feel able to but you have found information for her. Sometimes they have to pay towards it but some don’t.

ElsieMc · 29/03/2020 10:17

So difficult op. My two gc's were placed with me through the courts and the younger one had behavioural problems - understandably. We suspected foetal alcohol syndrome but fortunately this was not the case. The point I make is how very hard I found it. Clearly I am older and the only plus I found was that I was a calmer person.

As very harsh as i sounds, your DS who you clearly love chose to have five children which is difficult any way but with the added issue of a child with additional needs. This is no-one's fault but it is not your burden. You feel guilty because everyone else has effectively opted out. However, you are clearly beginning to dread being asked and this will transfer to the child who will undoubtedly act up further.

You are stepping in for her dh who has also decided to opt out. Its all very well pp saying that this is her business. Well its not when it affects you because he doesn't want to parent his own children.

You will just have to tell her that you are finding this very difficult indeed. Lockdown is a period of respite for you to reconsider your position. Whilst I sympathise with your ds, your DN has two parents of which you are neither.

JudyCoolibar · 29/03/2020 10:21

@Toohardtofindaproperusername, try reading the opening post properly.

billy1966 · 29/03/2020 10:23

@ElsieMc

Good advice👍

Shimy · 29/03/2020 10:24

THIS times ten. The voice of wisdom.

Shimy · 29/03/2020 10:25

Previous affirmation was to @ElsieMc

Eddielzzard · 29/03/2020 10:28

I thin you have to give thought to how much you ARE prepared to do. And if that's once a month, just to give your sister a break, then that's all you can offer. Her DH is a shit tho and must step up.

Ponoka7 · 29/03/2020 10:29

She needs to apply for respite from the LA. This might sound harsh, but there must have been signs that the children's father was useless and signs of SN, when she decided to have more children.

I say that as a Mum of two children with SN, who limited her family size to three, because it wouldn't have been fair on the children.

You should only give what you can manage.

user1469906824 · 29/03/2020 10:31

I have three children including one with quite severe special needs. My mum is the only one who can mind my child with special needs and she does this about one night every two or 3 months which is a lifeline for us. I wouldn't ask her to mind my other two children at the same time though, they go elsewhere.

ConcentricCircles · 29/03/2020 10:31

How about your BIL cutting down on some of hi'hobbies' and stepping up as a husband and father.
While ever you do this childcare, he won't. I know it's your sister, and you probably feel emotionally blackmailed, but don't do it.

Patch23042 · 29/03/2020 10:32

How old are the other four? If the eldest is 14+, they perhaps could babysit the neurotypical 3 at home once every few weeks, whilst you had your niece.

But on the whole I agree that your sis should be looking into respite care via social services. You could then help out with her remaining pre-teens.

She needs to address the issue of her lazy, selfish husband too. It concerns me that she’s had five children with such a man, it’s as if he regards her as a brood mare.

You sound like a kind, caring aunt and sister and you obviously worry about them, but please don’t take on too much. Looking after five children weekly when you already have a couple, is quite a task.

Thehop · 29/03/2020 10:34

Her husband needs to step up, first, and do his bit.

Zombiemum1946 · 29/03/2020 10:35

Ds needs to look into proper respite. Dn will get more and more difficult to cope with as she gets bigger. I think ds needs to be firmer with her dh. She's his child too and he's avoiding her with his "hobbies". You've gone above and beyond by looking after their 5 kids plus your own, especially a child with such complex needs and aggressive behaviour.

SnuggyBuggy · 29/03/2020 10:36

Care may become more difficult as this child gets older and bigger. It sounds like she may need a proper carer rather than well meaning family members and they need to focus on applying for respite care.

The dad ideally should focus more on supporting his wife and looking after his kids but no one can force him to change.

EstebanTheMagnificent · 29/03/2020 10:36

It sounds dreadfully harsh but she wants to use you as a sticking plaster for the problems in her marriage. The child has two parents and right now one of them is not doing his share. They need to address this, and in the longer term investigate proper respite care. I don’t think you say how only DN is but they need to have a plan in place as she gets older, bigger and stronger.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/03/2020 10:39

No, having five children is a choice and their responsibility.

I’d happily help in an emergency but wouldn’t be committing to a regular event.

Palavah · 29/03/2020 10:40

Is her husband restricted in his hobbies during lockdown?

I agree with PP, it sounds as though the best support you can be for her is helping/encouraging her to raise the balance of childcare with her husband and apply for the support that's available centrally for your niece.

5 children would be a lot on anyone's plate, even before the SEN. I hope she's got her contraception sorted?!

EstebanTheMagnificent · 29/03/2020 10:44

When you raise it with her, perhaps approach it from the view of DN’s welfare. It is distressing and confusing for her to be cared for by someone who, however loving and well-meaning, cannot communicate with her, and it’s downright unsafe for both of you if you have no training or experience in moving and handling her.

PepePig · 29/03/2020 10:45

She needs to apply for respite and have a serious chat with BIL and get him to step up.

Even with 5 NT kids, he needs to be around. Even more so with a child with SEN. So, to put it harshly, no more hobbies, and probably a change in working hours that mean he is home a lot more often. Then, weekly respite.

I would stop babysitting though, tbh. Even as someone who has a sibling with severe SN, you cannot put yourself through being kicked etc. She should also be seriously considering medication if the meltdowns are as bad as you imply.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 29/03/2020 10:45

Her DH needs to step up & you need to be honest & say that 5 DCs are simply too much to babysit. Anyone who chooses to have 5 DCs shouldn't expect anyone to babysit for them at all.

FazakAli · 29/03/2020 10:49

Does your sister get direct payments for your dn for respite care?

Your dn is none verbal, is she using Makaton, pecs or a picture communication system to communicate? Both her parents need to sort this out because as she gets older the violence will increase if not dealt with now.

She needs to contact these organisations to help her find out what she's entitled to:
Mencap

contact.org.uk/Contact
Council for disabled children

Chatter Pack Resources - scroll down to the bottom of the page for SEND resources

reefedsail · 29/03/2020 10:49

DN is 6? If so presumably has an EHCP and is in Special School?

If so, DSis needs to ask for Direct Payments for respite care for DN. It may be that some of the TAs at the school will take this on. I have seen this work really well.