To not want to look after DN regularly?

[Rosesarenotred]

DS (sister) has 5 DC. DN6 has severe SEN. It’s a difficult life for DS and BIL. Their lives are very restricted by their DD with SEN.

DS asked me to look after their DC while her and BIL went out for the day, they had a lovely time but I really struggled being punched and kicked by DN. Also still in nappies which need changing regularly. DN is not verbal and I don’t know how to communicate with her and she gets increasingly angry and then lashes out. They are starting to ask me and more often to babysit (pre virus obviously but already asking for when the virus is over). I know DS struggles because BIL leaves most of the childcare to her. He has various ‘hobbies’. No other family members are willing to help I presume because of DN. They can’t get childcare for DN either.

I work FT I have DC also, she has looked after my DC (10 and 12) but mine are older and not in nappies and can amuse themselves. I know it’s a lifeline for her but every time I babysit it is an utter nightmare. I find it really hard to look after all 5 of them too.

What are the ages @Rosesarenotred?

Re the issue of not wanting respite care or professional babysitters, nobody wants strangers in to do something with their loved ones. We prefer people we know any trust

But the reality is that you just have to do what you have to do and get help from the organisations which specialise in this.

Re benefits, she needs to get in touch with a charity who specialise in benefits appeals for families of kids with this condition who have been refused support.

It could be that there is a specialist report missing or a box in a form not ticked and if that were done they could appeal and get DLA. The charity will take a small fee like £20 to process the documentation. They are experienced with these forms and know how to fill them in. I don’t mean fraudulently, I mean correctly.

So many (not all) DH and DP on these forums seem to get away with being lazy because the women let them. She needs to sort that out. Perhaps asking questions with choices (ie do you want to look after dc this morning or this afternoon)? And not let him off with so little.

Perhaps a responsibilities chart that all DC, her and DH could use would help to make sure everyone contributes, and make it glaringly obvious how little he does in comparison to her.

Worst case scenario when she makes him look after his own children he can’t cope and leaves her, thinking he will escape responsibility if the children if he lives elsewhere. But now is an ideal time to make him get on with it as he has nowhere to run during lockdown so he’ll just have to push past his discomfort and get used to it. As he gets better he will get more confident and used to it. Now is defo the best time to get him with the programme.

Don’t enable them to keep going the way they always have been. It’s not working. They have to do thing differently.

I'd do a bit of research and tell her what is available. It's up to her if doesn't take advantage of that.
I think it'll be harder the less you do it, as they'll be less used to you. So I think I'd tell her now, before she makes plans and asks, that you're not available anymore. But here's some professional help that you could access.

Say no.
She has 6 kids for God's sake. Let her take responsibility.

She wants you to babysit so she can spend time with her husband? That would make my blood boil quite frankly. So he gets his child-free hobby time thanks to his wife and then gets child-free wife time thanks to his sister-in-law. FUCK THAT! Your DSis marriage is all kinds of messed up and you do not - and should not - play along to support that sexist lazy arsehole state of affairs. What is it teaching this fleet of kids for a start? No. Big NO. She doesn't need alone time with DH. He needs alone time with the kids. Until they've switched to that and he's changed his shitty attitude, you don't even come into it. Sisterhood can be a good thing, but not when it excuses and enables men to be twats.

They need to get a social worker and apply for direct payments and employ a PA .. it's not your job to supply childcare . !! I have a ds with and I would never rely on anyone with offering money !

From your updates she sounds like her own worst enemy. Withdraw.

She needs to get a paid minder - that's the cost of going out.

Oh what a lovely little bubble people live in.

There is no such thing as a paid minder for children with SN. They don’t exist. Respite care is rationed because LAs won’t pay for it

OP, if I were in your situation I would be looking at spending more time with DN so I could better understand how to help my sister. I couldn’t see my sister struggle with this and not offer to help.

She needs to reapply for DLA because from what you've described there's no way she should have been refused

I agree. DLA wouldn’t be refused in this situation, if the information above had been put on the form.

There is no such thing as a paid minder for children with SN. They don’t exist. Respite care is rationed because LAs won’t pay for it

No, but you can take Direct Payments for it.

If there were no father in the picture I hope I’d offer a few hours once a month in the situation you describe, but not while her husband is dodging care because of “hobbies”.
I think given the stresses of home life, ideally they should both have a chance to get out to a hobby, but it should be equal and given the demands of their daughter, they can probably only spare each other a 3 hour chunk one evening, or weekend morning or afternoon a week.
She would need to get her husband parenting before I stepped in to aid enabling him.
Do you have portage in your area? DD2 got weekly portage visits when very small, it wasn’t for us to go out but to try to help her develop skills etc through play.

This is their responsibility to sort.
You might help sometimes in some way, but you are not the solution.

There is no such thing as a paid minder for children with SN

I disagree. Lots of nursery and school staff do babysitting at night for the extra income.

If she wants time with her husband he can take annual leave during the week given she doesn’t work. No need for a sitter then.

I’m all for not seeing family struggle but having five children is a choice and the parenting of said children should fall to the parents not others.

Why does your sister look after your children? Is that so you can have a break? Go to work?
I wouldnt be looking after her children, but equally, I wouldn't be expecting to drop my children off with her either.
It sounds like she has got a lot on her plate, whether that's her own doing or not, I'm not going to judge, but to then expect her to look after your children too, because they're no trouble?
I wouldnt expect any family with children with severe SN to look after my kids. When you do this, it leaves her with 7 children and a useless husband to look after. Maybe this is why she is asking you to come to her aid when she needs help?
How does she stop her daughter attacking her all day and night?
Just stop the swapping of children.

It is their problem to sort out ultimately. Her husband needs to step up rather than you in effect having to fill the gap. Being blunt but people with young children don’t often get much couple time, never mind “date nights”. I’m always confused why people have lots of children and then moan about how much hard work it is / how hard to get babysitters etc etc

No don't do it op.
I agree with others on here.
Her dh needs to step up and look after his kids.
For the time being you can't see her or her kids.
When this is over and she suggested you babysit say oh no I've a better idea, if you want a break me and you will go out and your scan look after the kids.
He does his hobbies/goes out on Monday, Thursday, Saturday, so we will have a night out on Friday. We will go to x at such and such a time.
If/when she starts to say 'oh no , I want a night out with my dh, can you babysit?'
You jump in with a startled look forward n your face and say: " Hell no! I can't look after dn, bloody hell sis, she's not even toilet trained and last time I nearly pulled my back, fighting to get her on the toilet, Christ I thought I might have to take time off work and I'm not doing that! She's far too much for me after I've been slogging my guts out at work all week. I can't look after her! No as I said we will go out together and your dh can look after the kids. "
Get straight on with a resounding NO, I'm not looking after your kids.
Keep it light in a '0h I can't handle her, she needs to be with her dad, 'type of way.
It's not your responsibility.
Why on earth they had so many children is bewildering.

@Bagofworries

I don’t expect her to look after my children. She has on a few occasions at her insistence but then I came to realise it was so she could ask me also. Like we can swap. But I’m taking on a lot more than she is. I have refused all offers over the last few months but she still keeps asking me.

But it’s not a fair swap is it? 5 children one with additional needs versus 2

Why did she have 5 kids? Surely no one expects someone to look after all 5 of their kids, especially if some have SEN.

You owe her nothing, she needs to look after the kids she chose to have.

She needs to reapply for DLA immediately. The cerebra website has help for every section and guidance for what you can include and examples. She is entitled to DLA at higher rate. She needs to do that asap.

I think you will have to say that its too much for you and you need to help her come to terms with accepting outside help. She is entitled to a care assessment of the childs needs and also a carer assessment for what help she needs as the main carer. This would be from the children with disabilities team from her local authority. They would offer her various respite options including direct payments.
She would also be entitled to nappies from the incontinence service. Does your DN access a special school and have an EHCP?
There is support but your sister has to accept it will be from people not in your immediate family. I think you have to say its too much for you to do. Help her access the financial and practical support she is entitled to.

Help her fight for the support she needs. I've no doubt after a day of looking after 5 kids she's exhausted. Once they're in bed she'll just want to relax. But applying for support, chasing evidence, typing letters takes time and energy. If you can help with that then it would probably be best long term. I appreciate she might not want that help. But you can keep offering.

Have you told your sister you don't feel you can cope with DN OP? I think an honest conversation where you pretty much tell her what you've told us is needed here. In her shoes I wouldn't want to put you or DN in a position where you feel you can't cope so it's up to Dsis then whether she tries to work with you (assuming you're willing) and find a compromise (the social worker/DLA/respite route for DN or alternative childcare for the other kids maybe) or not but she can't expect you to just carry on as before if you've told her you can't cope.

You sound like you want to support her but what's being asked of you is more than you can manage so she needs to meet you halfway and put the work in to help herself. That would include not putting up with BIL's avoidance of parenting his own children as well as looking into other sources of help btw, hobbies/naps/headaches my arse, he has 5 kids!

Woooowww calm down sue

without

Have they had an early help plan or social worker (sorry if I missed it)

They should absolutely be entitled to DLA by the sound of it, but the process is designed to turn most down - if they get a family support worker or similar they should be able to get a referral for a benefits advisor. We have someone who is (outside lockdown obv) helping us reapply as she can see we should be receiving it. She will go to appeal etc with us.

Support worker has also put a huge amount of other stuff in place for us - referrals to various charities etc

None of it compares to the importance of her stopping enabling her husband though