To not want to look after DN regularly?

[Rosesarenotred]

DS (sister) has 5 DC. DN6 has severe SEN. It’s a difficult life for DS and BIL. Their lives are very restricted by their DD with SEN.

DS asked me to look after their DC while her and BIL went out for the day, they had a lovely time but I really struggled being punched and kicked by DN. Also still in nappies which need changing regularly. DN is not verbal and I don’t know how to communicate with her and she gets increasingly angry and then lashes out. They are starting to ask me and more often to babysit (pre virus obviously but already asking for when the virus is over). I know DS struggles because BIL leaves most of the childcare to her. He has various ‘hobbies’. No other family members are willing to help I presume because of DN. They can’t get childcare for DN either.

I work FT I have DC also, she has looked after my DC (10 and 12) but mine are older and not in nappies and can amuse themselves. I know it’s a lifeline for her but every time I babysit it is an utter nightmare. I find it really hard to look after all 5 of them too.

I wouldn't be inclined to help whilst BIL isn't pulling his weight. There's definitely a DH problem here.

Would you be prepared to take your DN on her own, once in a while, if you could reduce her frustration by learning to understand her?
Maybe BIL could have the other kids, including yours, and you and DSis can spend time together so she can show you how to deal with your DN.
Start with hour sessions together and maybe build up to half a day together. When you feel more confident, have DN on your own for an hour as a TRIAL.

"You're not her problem, her DH is."

This, 100%! And who can have lots of hobbies with 5 young DC including one with those needs?! They need to work together and share the load.

Do you mean she's looked after your two in the past or it still goes on? Because I'd stop that as it's impossible to get her help and not reciprocate. Plus however good your kids are, 7 kids is too much at once. As for DN, I think the violence is reason enough to not do it. I feel for her, but that doesn't mean you must spend a day getting kicked and hit. It's too much to ask and she needs to go through the channels mentioned above to get respite. So for now, I'd say sorry, no, the hitting is too much, and her DH needs to step the hell up and look after his own kids.

@lynzpynz I was looking after her DC more often than she had mine. I didn’t feel like I should ask her because she has so much on her plate but she insisted. Then I feel obligated to look after hers. But it is so much harder to look after her DC and have to change nappies, put the DC to bed.

@Funkytowns they never get professional babysitters in. Only happy with family but there are hardly any options but me. No DM and DF wouldn’t do it.

I have tried having DN on my own but it’s still really hard. I can’t get her to do anything, to eat, go to bed, put screens away. As she gets bigger she gets stronger and I get hurt more.

She was refused DLA, and wouldn’t consider respite. She wants me to do it. The oldest is only 10 and can help a bit but can’t take responsibility for all 5. Event when we all go out for the day I’m constantly chasing the little ones, helping feed them and change nappies. It’s really stressful for me. Perhaps harder because my two are past that stage.

She wants all her DC looking after. I have taken the oldest 2 out before and she said that makes no difference.

BIL obviously can’t do his usual hobbies so now constantly disappears for naps or has headaches. She isn’t happy about it but he is not willing to change.

Part of me struggles as well with how much women are expected to take on. BIL has sisters but their husbands wouldn’t be expected to come and look after the kids and change nappies.

I know it’s hard for my sis but she is a SAHM so she does get child free time when they are at school. Obviously not at the moment with the virus. She wants to spend time with her husband alone and have a break. I get that but I can only do so much.

wouldn’t consider respite. She wants me to do it.

Stop facilitating this.

@Rosesarenotred It's OK for you to say to your sister what you can't handle. You are important, your needs and that of your own children and also important. Just as important as your sister and her own children, not less, because she is struggling.

She seems to be using you as the solution to it all, rather than appeal the DLA, address the issue with her DH and consider other alternatives like respite.

If she trusts DMs school to look after her during the day, then why not for other times as suggested?

Have you said anything to your BIL? I know the mumsnet standard is "they arent related to you by blood so dont speak to them" but in my family, if you marry in then you're part of the family and we'll speak to you the same as the blood relative. If my sister is being a dick, I tell her she is being a dick. If her husband is being a dick, I tell him he is being a dick.
Have you never said to him "why the fuck are you running off to all these hobbies and leaving her with 5 kids at home. When does she get to go out alone?". Seriously; tell him to be a fucking parent.

After reading your update, I'd definitely stop helping her. She needs to get her lazy, useless partner to step up, or simply find a way to cope if she's too good for other help.

Seriously, don't help anymore.

She was refused DLA, and wouldn’t consider respite. She wants me to do it.

Tough shit. Respite is available but she wants you as her skivvy. Stop moaning, take responsibility for your actions and put your own children first. There is help out there.

Your sister chose to have five children, your sister chose to reproduce with an lazy man, your sister chose to decline respite.

Remember all this.

Tough love needed op.
Help her organise professional help.
You are not responsible for any of them..

She needs to reapply for DLA because from what you've described there's no way she should have been refused it in the first place. MENCAP can help you fill out the form, they helped my friend do her son's.

I wouldn't do it just so that she and her husband can go out on dates. If she had an expert in to mind her daughter with special needs then I would look after the other four maybe, but all five and your own, too? No. The chances are that someone would get badly hurt, too - if not you then one of the children.

5 children? Jeez! If they decided to have 5, it is their responsibility. There’s no way I would help out, especially since you have kids of your own. The husband is a lazy arse btw.

I agree with tough love or nothing will change

With the last update... I would refuse all together. Honestly, she choose to have 5 kids and one needs special help, they are really taking the mickey by refusing professional support as they want to keep the choice of having just family care.

You also have a choice, you can say no. Just explain you are finding it very difficult and you are getting hurt. She will obviously throw at your face that she deals with it every day, but again she is the parent to her children, not you.

Use the current lock down to break this cycle of childcare OP . Reply to DSis saying you hope she understands but you won't be able to look after the DC when the lockdown is over as it is too much for you. Say this now then they will have time to absorb it.

Oh and I have more than 5 and never ever had help. Even when 1 had medical issues for 4 years and I was a single dm...

She wants all her DC looking after. I have taken the oldest 2 out before and she said that makes no difference.

If you tell her it's that or nothing, I wonder what she'd say then?

You get to have boundaries too. She's worked out that if she refuses all offers except the all-encompassing one she wants, you'll give in and do that because you feel bad saying no altogether. Reframe this for yourself. You're still offering to help, you're just putting reasonable conditions on it. She's the one who then refuses. Let that process of consequences take its course.

If she’s not willing to get someone to have the other 4 kids while you just have DN then it would be a no.

I have a severe sen child and he is the reason I only have 2 kids, he’s the youngest and his older sister is NT, I won’t have anymore just incase..

She needs to find proper childcare

I would be refusing. Her husband can refuse to help and she can refuse to seek respite so you can refuse to look after her kids.

I think you are very irresponsible for doing it in the first place.
If your sister asked you to jump off a building would you?
You have children too, I'm sorry but you should be ashamed, your immediate family should come first and that's your kids.

"They are starting to ask me and more often to babysit" ... "BIL leaves most of the childcare to her. He has various ‘hobbies’."
So basically you are not helping your sister if you do babysit, you are enabling her selfish arsehole of a husband, and you are encouraging her to expect other people to carry his load.

DO NOT BABYSIT, AND TELL HER EXACTLY WHY.

'Sister I love you but you are being unreasonable here. Your daughter has a father who should be caring for her alongside her mother, and I will not be party to him letting his daughter down. You both have five children and it is well past time for him to step up and shoulder his responsibilities, instead of having prioritising his 'hobbies' as if he is a single childless man. You both need to have a good look at your choices and stop trying to guilt me into doing something that should not be necessary if only your husband would stop being such a git to his wife and children.'

"BIL obviously can’t do his usual hobbies so now constantly disappears for naps or has headaches. She isn’t happy about it but he is not willing to change."
Your sister needs to step up to the plate yoo, Accepting this behaviour is what enables him. Accepting it in the past is what has led to this shitty behaviour from him now. Time for her to tell him to get up and BE A FATHER.

"She wants me to do it."
'I want' doesn't mean 'I get'. She needs to stop this nonsense.

"She wants all her DC looking after."
Then she can get her husband to do that. They're his children too.

I think you are very irresponsible for doing it in the first place.

Why, @Devlesko? How does it harm OP's children?

I’ve been in a similar situation as your sister, my ds is now 19 and non verbal but he’s thankfully not violent, but when he was little he screamed and cried for what seemed like every minute of every day it was exhausting.

We were pushed to our limit when he turned 10 and needed some support, while my lovely sister looked after him a few times she even had him one weekend so we could take his little sister to London for some much needed one to one and that was fantastic, but I was very aware not to put her in a position where she felt she had to do it because no other family members would.

We ended up getting a social worker who was able to access respite for us and we were allocated 28 nights a year which helped us as a family so much, does she have a social worker ?

@Devlesko

How is it irresponsible? My DN is only ever violent to me not any of the other children.

I do need to speak up. I’m coming to realise that after reading the replies. Thank you to those who provided support.