Fuming with MIL and husband

[BlackLabOscar]

So my husband and I have had a massive row last night. I had a go at him for being stupid. Now we're not talking.

Everything has been fine. We have been staying at home, only going to the shop at the top of the road when we need bread or milk ( one of us, while the other stays at home with the children). We have been video calling our parents and siblings so they can still see our children.

Anyway, yesterday we arranged to video call his parents at 6pm last night, as normal, as the children are doing their school work in the day.

I was upstairs with the children helping with the last bits of the days school work when my husband shouted up for my son to open his bedroom window to speak to granddad who was walking their dog. We have a long driveway and he stayed at the top of it shouted down to the children. Not a problem with this. Nice to see him in fact.

Whilst the children were talking, I asked where MIL was. He said "oh she needed the toilet so she is in your house".

My husband had let her in to use the downstairs toilet which is at the back of the ground floor, so not even by the front door. I told the children to stay upstairs in my sons room. Shortly after, MIL shouted upstairs "are you not coming down to see nanny". The children shouted back. "No we are working". They are primary aged.

She went back outside and complained to my husband and FIL that the children couldn't be bothered to come down and see her.

I was fuming. We have been really careful, following the guidelines and my husband let his mum inside our home. He said he wasnt going to let her wet herself. I argued back that she is in her 50s. She can hold her bladder and she chose to walk the half hour each way to our house so she should have stayed closer to her own house if she had problems with controlling her bladder.

As soon as they left, I went down and bleached the downstairs bathroom, every handle she would have touched and then bleached the floors.

When they got home, she phoned my husband to complain again that the children were rude not going downstairs to see her. She then slipped up and said that my husbands siblings have been going to her house each day and her elderly mother (80yr old) has also been visiting her, but we have not been once.

This caused even more anger from me. I cannot believe how stupid all his family are and then how she had the audacity to then come to ours to use the toilet. I told my husband in no uncertain terms that she is not to come back into our house until this is all over. He told me I am overreacting and am banning his mum from seeing her grandchildren. How? When it has been me that has organised the video calls with both sides of the family, so they still get to see and speak to the children.

I don't know where to go from here now. We are not talking. He thinks I am being a B and I just cannot get my head around why he didn't put us first and firmly said no to his mum.

After they left to carry on the walk.

Your post about what you told your husband was very powerful and moving, OP. I am really glad he now 'gets' it and hope you have a peaceful few weeks ahead.

I’d have been much blunter than the OP. I would have spelled out exactly how reckless the MIL is being and would have cut and pasted her all the government guidelines, then told her never to contemplate risking lives of you and your children again, the idiot selfish cow

"Everyone is just doing their best."

They're clearly not though are they?

If people still visiting are all only seeing each other & putting themselves at risk-that's one thing.

But to blithely involve others is utterly abhorrent.

They sound pretty awful but the way their carrying on they won’t be a problem for much longer.

If she has bladder issues I would let the toilet issue go. The complaining about not seeing grandkids is silly. Try to resolve with your DH as tension within the family at this time is not great. The attitude of DH family is not uncommon unfortunately.

Thank you for all the positive comments. For those who think I or my children are rude. That is your opinion. My children are good children. They listen. They spoke to their granddad through the open bedroom window when they were told he was there. They talk to their family members every day. They get their work done so it can be emailed across to their teachers each evening as requested so that the workload is manageable and they have free time in extraordinary circumstances.

My husband and I never argue in front of our children. Life is normally easygoing. The children were still upstairs and we were downstairs in the downstairs bathroom when we were arguing, out of earshot of the children. The radio was on so they couldn't hear what was said. The children are close to all their grandparents. In a usual week, they see all 4 grandparents at least twice a week. They don't like being held in cuddles for long periods of time as Mil insists

The bathroom was bleached. The thing that grated on me was her attitude when the children didn't go to her and she complained loudly so my children heard through the open window.

Actually I cant see an issue with children hearing their parents arguing on that sort of subject. Seeing their mum standing up to what she believes is right, to what we all know is right to do for our sake and the sake of others will always be a positive in my world.
Just like it would be a good thing for them to hear someone having a go at another person for drink driving and how this is not acceptable to do.

In laws in their 80s and with health issues are supposed to be self isolating. Surprise surprise, they said they had seen DH’s aunt, similar age, yesterday. She drove to their village to go for a walk, and then stood outside the window of their retirement flat to have a chat.

I guess you can’t control stupid.

In-laws have so far enjoyed the novelty, and the excitement of setting up food deliveries, plus grandchildren phoning every day. They are currently trying to set up some complicated video chat thing, which would require us to have Apple equipment.

However in a couple of weeks they will be bored, and I can see more of this “it won’t do any harm” bending of the rules happening. Till they or their neighbours get sick.

To the original poster, You are not alone in this. I know this doesn't help you much but trust me your MIL is not alone in breaking the basic rules of survival. It must be a pain in the backside MIL way of thinking. I bet she thought of the idea of walking by your house. I bet she never even needed the toilet. I know how these women work !

My MIL usually picks my children up from school twice a week. A world pandemic, closure of schools and the world basically coming to a hault wasn't going to stop her. She clearly expected and is currently outraged we me, her lousy DIL, for stopping her VISITING my house TWICE a week to see her grandchildren throughout this situation.
Not only endangering her own life, she's in her mid 70s, but also her son who has asthma, and our children. She thought isolation for older people was for everyone in the country EXCEPT her .
And she expected to sit in my lounge all day with my FIL whilst her daughter who lives with them could work from home whilst they were out !!!

I declared myself Howard Hughes with germs to my hubby and said no way where they crossing the front door !!!! I would have grassed them into the police myself !!

Anyway the fall out is I'm the wicked witch of the west. My life will most probably be nit picked in ways I carnt imagine now. Their thinking system is very odd. Plus my MIL practically confessed to being one of those panic buying people. It does not surprise me at all.

" She drove to their village to go for a walk, and then stood outside the window of their retirement flat to have a chat."

The drive sounds unnecessary, but surely standing outside to talk to them was OK?

the grandmother was wrong trying to guilt-trip your children and was coming between you as parents and them . Even in normal times this is bad. at normal times her not letting them go is bad
I'm sorry she has a bladder issue, the answer to that is that she goes no further when she goes out for a walk than she can hold it in. Or she goes into the countryside where there are bushes to hide behind. Or if it is indeed a true emergency, let her in through the back door, don't let her touch anything, give her a paper towel which she puts in the bin outside. In normal times though can she go long enough to walk to yours and back,
I had a mil [and fil] who thought they were Teflon, and that germs would not stick to them, and if they did get germs they would not stick to anyone/thing they touched. But MIL was brought up by a father who wouldn't cover food up because fly first wouldn't hurt you

I would have gone nuts aswel op,but then my dh is adament that nobody is coming in here until it's safe to do so.

He has been working up to yesterday and says it's frightening how many people are still wondering around oblivious.

It's about keeping safe.
I may not have a business to go bak to once this is over and that's scaring the crap out of me but I'm just grateful that we can and are protecting our family unit.

My dmum did exactly what your mil did but to my dsis and she let her in.
Bil went nuts as they have a vulnerable child and now he's off work anyway so she won't be trying it again.

She hasn't attempted it here as she knows what she'd get from me for being so stupid. She works at a hospital aswel so she's definitely not coming in

And remind her to add some Tena Lady to her essential shopping list

Ffs, just when you think MN’s reached peak nasty.

She’s an idiot... and so is your husband. I wouldn’t bother with arranging video chats and I’d tell your husband to go live with his mother if he’s that bothered about it. Morons like that are why we are in lockdown and people are dying. They’re also the reason the rest of us will have to stay at home for longer.

The drive sounds unnecessary, but surely standing outside to talk to them was OK?

First I suspect they did not tell us everything. Quite possibly she needed the loo and was offered a cup of coffee. Who knows. I do not really see her standing a full two meters away and shouting, with all their neighbours listening. Second the exercise exception is supposed to be alone or with members of your household. It's like those people timing their shopping to coincide with friends. The more people bend the rules, the less effective measures will be.

This is a vulnerable age group with vulnerable neighbours. The economy has been shut down, causing great economic distress to working age people, in order to protect them. Keeping away from those who are not members of your household is not a great ask.

I couldn't have said no to my dm going to the toilet.
I think from the rest of your post though she probably did it on purpose hoping to see her dgc.

I would be angry too at her calling them rude. I think it should have been pointed out to her clearly that it's against the rules rather than saying they were busy. She is really out of order complaining that they are rude I couldn't put up with that.

She has never mentioned bladder problems to either of us. If she had stayed at the top of the drive with her husband and called to say open the upstairs window like we did, there wouldn't have even been an issue.

With the excessive hugging, we have taught our children that their bodies are their own. If they don't like being hugged or anything else, then they have every right to say no to that person and should tell us if something or someone upsets them. They have told her they don't like the hugs and her not letting go numerous times, so they are reluctant to go to her for a hug when she doesn't listen to them when they say they don't like it. My husband has Al's told her as has her husband. For this reason, they try to distance themselves or get out of the way of her arms. They are fine hugging the other grandparents because it is a brief hug and then they let go.

My MIL used the toilet as an excuse to get into our house on the rare occasions when I asked for an evening with no visitors. She would 'agree' but then turn up with a bag of shopping she'd kindly done for us unsolicited, which we would take at the door, so she then would say she needed to use the toilet, then it would be a quick cup of tea, then that was it, she was in for the whole evening .

OP, please knock this kind of behaviour on the head right now. Your MIL will get over it.

You are totally right about this, but you are also being very rude.

She is not. I can't believe you are able to read about the things that happened to the OP previously and come out with such a stupid comment. Her fear is real and rational.
Nor are her children rude.
Her MIL needs to get a bloody grip.

Natural selection. And why its spread so fast. I'd try & get on with things but make sure, calmly, your DH & MIL know previously healthy people & children are dying too.

YABU to use bleach. Soap and water is much better against viruses.
Otherwise YANBU.

PIL in their 80's (diabetic) went out to buy Easter cards yesterday. Bonkers.

OMG!!!! What an absolute cow!!!! None of this is right. No where in the current government guidelines does it say “ it’s ok to go for a walk and if you’re taken short pop in to a family members house to use the loo. “
None of that is right. Bet she walked in with her dirty shoes on too. Yes you can clean the loo but you are putting yourself at risk cleaning her germs.
What a selfish horrible woman.
And then to moan about the kids. My blood is boiling for you!
Your husband is an idiot falling out with you over it but then he’s probably a mommy’s boy.

The economy has been shut down, causing great economic distress to working age people, in order to protect them

It is also causing economic distress to anyone with a pension fund. Working age people have possibly time to put this right pensioners otoh... don't be blind to the full impact of this.

You can’t fix stupidity - this is why people are dying

No, people are dying because of the Covid-19 virus. The vast majority of people are following the rules.

I do not really see her standing a full two meters away and shouting,

I can't see where the OP says her DH is hard of hearing.

I think in one way yanbu OP as we need to follow these rules for now, but I wouldn't start a family feud over it, I don't think dc were rude though. Plus you are pregnant so in an at risk group.

I think some mumsnetters though are failing to see this is about managing the hospital capacity and we are going to be allowed out and about again once more is known about the virus. Most of us are going to get it in the end. Yes some of us will die but we could also die of other things instead in the mean time. Shrieking about a terribly sad case of a young woman dying - young women die all the time unfortunately you just don't hear about it generally.

@cptartapp
"PIL in their 80's (diabetic) went out to buy Easter cards yesterday. Bonkers."

In regards to the 80+ group, they will remain vulnerable until a vaccine is found. This isn't going to go away for them. So they may have made the decision that if they go now, rather than later, so be it. They won't take anymore resources than they would have. They will be given oxygen and a relaxant and slip away quickly. As is the procedure for any DNR case.

It's about respecting other people's boundaries and decisions, in terms of keeping away. I'm glad the social distancing became policy because i was having constant arguments with people when out.

OP as soon as this is lifted it sounds as though she will do nothing to minimise risk. That needs addressing directly with her.

This virus will always be around and come in waves. Until we know if we are immune to it, which is looking unlikely. We aren't staying in lock down until a vaccine is found. Things, have to change in regards to social contact.

I provide childcare for my GC, still. But we are doing blow kisses and I'm isolating except for that. She's got to accept changes, or be continually distanced.