Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fuming with MIL and husband

116 replies

BlackLabOscar · 26/03/2020 11:20

So my husband and I have had a massive row last night. I had a go at him for being stupid. Now we're not talking.

Everything has been fine. We have been staying at home, only going to the shop at the top of the road when we need bread or milk ( one of us, while the other stays at home with the children). We have been video calling our parents and siblings so they can still see our children.

Anyway, yesterday we arranged to video call his parents at 6pm last night, as normal, as the children are doing their school work in the day.

I was upstairs with the children helping with the last bits of the days school work when my husband shouted up for my son to open his bedroom window to speak to granddad who was walking their dog. We have a long driveway and he stayed at the top of it shouted down to the children. Not a problem with this. Nice to see him in fact.

Whilst the children were talking, I asked where MIL was. He said "oh she needed the toilet so she is in your house".

My husband had let her in to use the downstairs toilet which is at the back of the ground floor, so not even by the front door. I told the children to stay upstairs in my sons room. Shortly after, MIL shouted upstairs "are you not coming down to see nanny". The children shouted back. "No we are working". They are primary aged.

She went back outside and complained to my husband and FIL that the children couldn't be bothered to come down and see her.

I was fuming. We have been really careful, following the guidelines and my husband let his mum inside our home. He said he wasnt going to let her wet herself. I argued back that she is in her 50s. She can hold her bladder and she chose to walk the half hour each way to our house so she should have stayed closer to her own house if she had problems with controlling her bladder.

As soon as they left, I went down and bleached the downstairs bathroom, every handle she would have touched and then bleached the floors.

When they got home, she phoned my husband to complain again that the children were rude not going downstairs to see her. She then slipped up and said that my husbands siblings have been going to her house each day and her elderly mother (80yr old) has also been visiting her, but we have not been once.

This caused even more anger from me. I cannot believe how stupid all his family are and then how she had the audacity to then come to ours to use the toilet. I told my husband in no uncertain terms that she is not to come back into our house until this is all over. He told me I am overreacting and am banning his mum from seeing her grandchildren. How? When it has been me that has organised the video calls with both sides of the family, so they still get to see and speak to the children.

I don't know where to go from here now. We are not talking. He thinks I am being a B and I just cannot get my head around why he didn't put us first and firmly said no to his mum.

After they left to carry on the walk.

OP posts:
wineandroses1 · 26/03/2020 12:48

Well done Op. Well said.

TerryScottsBridge · 26/03/2020 12:49

No point, @Losingthewill8, the would mean having to contact the selfish bitch. I'd be in no hurry to do that (and it doesn't sound like the DCs would mind).

dontdisturbmenow · 26/03/2020 12:51

She clearly isn't taking the situation seriously. You are totally right about this, but you are also being very rude. I'm in my early 50s, and believe me, the menopause does mess up your bladder badly. I used to be able to hold it for hours without a care. Nowadays, when I need to go, I need to go and I am at risk of wetting myself if I don't. I've run home in desperation many times. I'd be horrified if in that same situation, I'd just about made it to my family's house and been told 'sorry no, you'd better wet yourself and walk back for 30 MNS like this because I can't be bothered to clean the bathroom afterwards'.

Your children were also rude. They didn't say they could come down to say hi because they are following the advice of staying away, but because they 'were working', which more or less means, 'can't be bothered'.

She needs to be told that you don't want the kids physically around her, and that's absolutely fine, but for the rest, you are being quite insensitive, and I understand why your OH would be upset with you.

diddl · 26/03/2020 12:51

"It think her needing the loo was a ruse to get inside and see her DGCs."

Well yes I would have thought so also.

I can see how it would be difficult to tell someone who was supposedly desperate for the loo to piss off, but your husband should have cleaned after her.

And no-you haven't banned anything-Boris Johnson has!!

What an idiot your husband is.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 26/03/2020 12:52

Maybe he needs to infographic from 10 Downing Street. FWIW I wouldn't be impressed either (but then I've just wiped down my shopping with disinfectant so I'm obviously on the OTT side of things)

UK PM facebook link

Fuming with MIL and husband
I8toys · 26/03/2020 12:53

YANBU - what's the point in you locking down and staying in if someone can waltz into your home bringing god knows what with them. And then getting a cob on when not seeing her grandkids who she can potentially put in danger. Selfish mare.

BlackLabOscar · 26/03/2020 12:57

She wouldn't listen anyway. He has said we are not bothering to video call for a few days and if she comes knocking again, he will tell her via the doorbell to go away.

He has apologised again for being reckless and said that I am right in being annoyed at last night. He said our family means everything to him and he won't put us in danger again.

I think by making him go back to the past, he has realised what could happen in the future if he isnt careful.

OP posts:
Hopeisnotastrategy · 26/03/2020 12:58

Well done OP, your update sounds more promising. Keep the pressure up so he doesn’t weaken again with the pressure from his family. Maybe best just to let the rest of them get on with it for a while and disengage.

GrumpyHoonMain · 26/03/2020 13:02

Do you and your kids have a condition which makes covid-19 more deadly? If not then the person she put most at risk is herself. Let it go and never row with your DH in front of your kids over a grandparent - it’s likely you do it often if they were so rude to her.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/03/2020 13:02

It think her needing the loo was a ruse to get inside and see her DGCs. Some of my family are just as bad.

Agree - and when she's letting (in fact, encouraging) other people, even if they are family, to go in and out of her home she's being beyond stupid.

Keep your kids safe. Next time she needs a pee offer her a bucket and point to a private little spot behind a bush.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/03/2020 13:03

And remind her to add some Tena Lady to her essential shopping list.

GabsAlot · 26/03/2020 13:04

sounds like hes taken it in-but for his unborn niece/nephew sake i wo9uld urge him to talk to his brother about his wife going out and visiiting its just so dangrous for her

SentimentalKiller · 26/03/2020 13:04

dontdisturbmenow
That's just your opinion. I don't think they were rude or insensitive and it seems most on here don't think they were

BlackLabOscar · 26/03/2020 13:05

If the Mil does suffer the way you describe, then she could use her brain and let her husband walk the dog and she stay at home where there is a toilet, like it has been advised by the government, to stay at home unless essential. It wasnt essential for two of them to walk the dog. All public toilets are closed. All pubs are closed and there are no facilities for a toilet break on the route to and from her house and ours. Other people with those ailments use their brains, my Mil doesn't.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 26/03/2020 13:05

@BlackLabOscar
I understand your fear of not being able to breathe.
I lost my mum {She was young} to Pneumonia/cor pulmonale ...
Dad told me when I was an adult that mum sat on their bed before the ambulance came...and husked out ''{My name}..I'll never see her grow up''....
My lovely young mum never came home.
I am looking at her photograph now, She would agree with you.
Stay safe..Virtual hugs.. Flowers

Winterwoollies · 26/03/2020 13:06

Does he not understand that she has potentially brought virus in with her from her own home and from every single person that has visited her and her home? And every single person who has visited each of their homes? And so on?

I keep saying it but I don’t understand why people aren’t getting it!

diddl · 26/03/2020 13:07

"he won't put us in danger again."

Good-because of course he does realise that it's not just your mum, but who she is in contact with & who they might be in contact with-either through work or choice by flouting the lockdown!

diddl · 26/03/2020 13:07

Sorry his mum

mumwon · 26/03/2020 13:08

ignorance is more contagious than the coronavirus

Winterwoollies · 26/03/2020 13:09

@BlackLabOscar sorry I just saw your update. Well done for making him understand.

Fedupofdoingit · 26/03/2020 13:11

You are not being unreasonable op. She should not have came in to use the toilet and so be it if she wet herself! Any of the previous posters saying it wasn’t an issue are the ones being unreasonable! If she has the virus and touched any of your furniture, she could infect you all! Why should you have to clean and bleach surfaces, just because she won’t follow the guidelines? Your husband is an idiot if he thinks this behaviour is okay! I get that it is difficult when you can’t see your family, but it is because of people like your mil that this virus spreads! I can’t believe that that she thinks that her elderly mother and you husband’s siblings visiting is okay! For your husband to think it is you that is being unreasonable is dreadful, I’m glad he now seems to realise just how stupid this was!
My dh and I are in isolation because he is at the top of the vulnerable persons list. I want to see my children (my son, who still lived at home moved out to stay with a friend, whilst this is going on) and grandchildren and they all want to see us, but this is the sacrifice we have to make to give us the best chance of getting through this!

dontdisturbmenow · 26/03/2020 13:12

You're right in all you say, but the level of anger is a bit over the top. You've cleaned the bathroom, it's fine. You could have just calmly say to your OH to tell her mum that you won't let her in from now on, but there was no need to act so outraged and fuming.

Saddler · 26/03/2020 13:13

Very sensible OP your MIL is thick as is your DH - they're the it'll be ok it's only us brigade

Seventyone72seventy3 · 26/03/2020 13:21

This all sounds a bit unhinged. Everyone is just doing their best. I can't believe others are saying your DH should have told her to wet herself! Get a grip.

hardboiledeggs · 26/03/2020 13:22

I'd be angry too. I know they are your family but the are idiots! Your kids are a credit to you, not going down, not rude at all.

Wonder if she will still feel the same way when she and your FIL get ill!

Swipe left for the next trending thread