Should I tell DD why I dislike her "uncle" so much or would it be inappropriate/breach of confidence? Genuine dilemma here...

[CleanOrDie]

DD is 16. Her dad and I split up when she was less than a year old and he has had very little involvement with her (seen her once a year on average). However his parents, although annoying, rude and misguided, love her very much and have maintained a relationship with her and see her about 3 times a year. This is usually 2 visits to our area, when they stay locally and spend time with DD, and 1 visit by her to stay with them for a week. When DD visits them her dad will usually turn up to see her for a day visit but not always as he doesn't get on well with his parents or anyone else really

DD also has an aunt (her father's sister) who also has a strained relationship with their parents. Let's call her Susie for the purposes of clarity. Susie left home very young and became addicted to drugs by 16, and she was a sex worker for about 5 years. One of Susie's regular clients (let's call him Steve) paid for her to go to rehab, divorced his wife, and moved Susie in him once she was clean. Steve is 20 odd years older than Susie, very well off (she's in a gilded cage if you ask me) and their relationship has never been great (can't think why). I despise Steve and always have, because IMO he thinks he's bought Susie. He thinks she should be grateful to him for rescuing her. Or at least, this was his attitude when I last saw him which was about 15 years ago. I don't think he's actively dangerous as such, but I hate his attitude and I think men who buy women to use for sex are scum full stop (especially extremely young vulnerable drug addicted women).

Ex in-laws don't know the full story. They think Steve is just a very kind man who fell in love with Susie and fixed her up for life. They think she should be grateful that she's "never had to work" etc. I only know the full story because Susie told me in confidence once many years ago when she wanted to leave him. She has tried to leave him several times but always ends up going back. We used to get on fairly well and she would tell me a lot about her relationship with Steve, and I encouraged her to try and get away and make herself a life free of him. But since I split up with XP she took a "blood is thicker than water" line and we stopped seeing each other.

DD is now 16. I've never bothered to hide my dislike of Steve when he has come up on conversation and she is now asking me why I have such a problem with him. DD also thinks he is "wierd" and "creepy" (entirely her words not mine!). DD sees him anually when she visits her GPs and I don't think he poses any risk to her, but she is very very insistent that she wants to know why I dislike him.

Should I tell her the truth? Or do I owe it to Susie to keep a long ago promise not to tell anyone?

I'd go with an edited version. "I was told things in confidence, which I'm not going to pass on, that reinforced my feelings that he is creepy and takes advantage of young women."

Really No. Just tell DD you have your reasons, no need for an explanation or gossip, she already has an opinion of him, she thinks he is creepy so will to be aware if you're worried.

She has asked more than once so tell her, she is nearly an adult not a little child

I would tell her a sanitised version, leaving out the drugs and the sex work. Just fudge and say fell out with parents and became homeless. Otherwise tell her the truth, Ali g with how Susie is controlled and wants to leave but can't.

For people saying tell her everything, she is old enough. It's not about DD but Susies's privacy!

I would tell her so that she can make her own decisions about her relationship with him. She already thinks he’s creepy. Is there a reason that she feels this way?

I'd go with an edited version. "I was told things in confidence, which I'm not going to pass on, that reinforced my feelings that he is creepy and takes advantage of young women."

This. And if she pushes, then explain that being told something in confidence means that you don't pass it on as it's not your story to tell.

"If you're not looking to cause trouble don't tell your 16 yr old."

Again, totally Disagree with this.
What trouble?
Nothing has happened to the OP's DD (that we know of) - but she feels the man is creepy - it's a good idea to validate her gut instinct, NOT to fucking brush it under the carpet.

This is exactly how child sex abuse is covered up, by people refusing to talk about it, don't mention it, don't tell anyone, don't rock the boat, don't upset anyone/everyone - fuck that!

I think lottiegarbanzo has it right. Talk about Steve's actions without connecting that to Susie doing sexwork.

"I know that many years ago, before he was married, Steve used prostitutes. It makes me concerned about his attitudes to women, and I've seen him treat other women in ways that make me uncomfortable too."

If DD asks further questions:

"Steve can be quite controlling towards women."
"It's as though he thinks of all women as something to be bought."
"As you know, Steve married Susie when she was quite young and he was much older."
"No, I'm not comfortable with some of the ways he treats Susie, either. But I'm not going to repeat details she's told me confidence."
"Yes, Susie does know he used prostitutes before they were married."

That should give DD what she needs to know about Steve, and allow her to disclose anything she herself is uncomfortable, without breaching Susie's confidence.