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Original poster

Should I tell DD why I dislike her "uncle" so much or would it be inappropriate/breach of confidence? Genuine dilemma here...

109 replies

CleanOrDie · 26/03/2020 07:31

DD is 16. Her dad and I split up when she was less than a year old and he has had very little involvement with her (seen her once a year on average). However his parents, although annoying, rude and misguided, love her very much and have maintained a relationship with her and see her about 3 times a year. This is usually 2 visits to our area, when they stay locally and spend time with DD, and 1 visit by her to stay with them for a week. When DD visits them her dad will usually turn up to see her for a day visit but not always as he doesn't get on well with his parents or anyone else really

DD also has an aunt (her father's sister) who also has a strained relationship with their parents. Let's call her Susie for the purposes of clarity. Susie left home very young and became addicted to drugs by 16, and she was a sex worker for about 5 years. One of Susie's regular clients (let's call him Steve) paid for her to go to rehab, divorced his wife, and moved Susie in him once she was clean. Steve is 20 odd years older than Susie, very well off (she's in a gilded cage if you ask me) and their relationship has never been great (can't think why). I despise Steve and always have, because IMO he thinks he's bought Susie. He thinks she should be grateful to him for rescuing her. Or at least, this was his attitude when I last saw him which was about 15 years ago. I don't think he's actively dangerous as such, but I hate his attitude and I think men who buy women to use for sex are scum full stop (especially extremely young vulnerable drug addicted women).

Ex in-laws don't know the full story. They think Steve is just a very kind man who fell in love with Susie and fixed her up for life. They think she should be grateful that she's "never had to work" etc. I only know the full story because Susie told me in confidence once many years ago when she wanted to leave him. She has tried to leave him several times but always ends up going back. We used to get on fairly well and she would tell me a lot about her relationship with Steve, and I encouraged her to try and get away and make herself a life free of him. But since I split up with XP she took a "blood is thicker than water" line and we stopped seeing each other.

DD is now 16. I've never bothered to hide my dislike of Steve when he has come up on conversation and she is now asking me why I have such a problem with him. DD also thinks he is "wierd" and "creepy" (entirely her words not mine!). DD sees him anually when she visits her GPs and I don't think he poses any risk to her, but she is very very insistent that she wants to know why I dislike him.

Should I tell her the truth? Or do I owe it to Susie to keep a long ago promise not to tell anyone?

OP posts:
Dozer · 26/03/2020 08:10

Why would you assume he poses no risk to your DD?

BillywigSting · 26/03/2020 08:12

I would say something like 'yes I think you are right he is creepy and unpleasant. Susie told me some things in confidence a long time ago that confirmed my suspicions. Trust your gut, you have good instincts, please listen to them'

TheCanterburyWhales · 26/03/2020 08:12

Just reread OP. If your daughter sees this bloke once a year, yet is asking you why you dislike him so much, then you must be doing a lot of talking about someone you haven't seen for 15 years.

Presumably like any parent would, if their child said "I think he's a creep", you asked her why she thinks that. What reasons did she give?

I don't even know that much detail about my own in-laws who I see a couple of times a week let alone a couple I haven't seen for 15 years.

LuluBellaBlue · 26/03/2020 08:16

I’d definitely tell her the truth, she’s 16, an adult.
It will help her develop her instincts and gut reactions around people, also help her see that people can play happy families in the outside whereas the truth can be vastly different.
I would be a little concerned about why she’s so insistent to know, and would be cautious of her wellbeing around him.

SouthWestmom · 26/03/2020 08:17

She wants to know because she suspects there is a story. Like a pp said for her to know you really dislike someone you haven't seen for 15 years you must be making it clear.

She has no right to any information at all - she isn't in danger, you say. She sees them all once a year, doesn't stay with the uncle.

june2007 · 26/03/2020 08:18

You can tell her but you last saw him 15 years ago. As far as Suzie is concerned here is the man who got her clean and off the streets and who he left his wife for. I can see why she may feel obligated to him. It sounds bitter to dig it up. You can say you don,t like the way he treats Suzie but I wouldn,t say much else.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/03/2020 08:20

Susie's secrets aren't yours to tell.

You could just say you find him creepy too. Or you could tell her you know Steve had used prostitutes in the past, before he got together with Susie (true) without implicating Susie.

Shortfeet · 26/03/2020 08:20

No. Its not your business.

Italiangreyhound · 26/03/2020 08:21

He's weird and creepy, a lot older than Susie, which is not an issue unless one person is using it to control another (which you know he is).

He encourages her not to work/stops her from working, you can't see how Susie can be happy living like a bird in a gilded cage.

You would like better for her but she has made her choices (all be it lots of people/especiallysome women do seem to have deck loaded against them).

Loads to say without mentioning prostitution or drugs.

You should respect a long ago promise as long as your child is not in danger.

itswonkylampshade · 26/03/2020 08:22

I would also tell her the full story, if you think she can be trusted with this very sensitive information relating to her Aunt. Her instincts are right about this man and she’s old enough to have them vindicated. She sounds a perceptive girl.

Yamihere · 26/03/2020 08:23

If you want an open and honest relationship with your daughter then you should tell her.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 26/03/2020 08:24

I'd tell her, but before telling her I'd encourage her to talk more about why she doesn't like him, what specifically is it that's making her uncomfortable, etc. Basically use this as an opportunity to get her to think through why some men give her the creeps and then reinforce the fact that those feelings are important and here's why she should take them seriously, because she was absolutely on the ball when it comes to Uncle Creepy.

andweallsingalong · 26/03/2020 08:25

I wouldn't break Susies trust, but I think there's enough there without doing that. Susie was very young, he was 20 years older and always talks like he owns her. Can dd imagine being in a relationship with a 36 year old? Can dd imagine being far better off than her bf? How would she treat him? As an equal or insert things you've heard Steve say. Then I'd talk about grooming and how back when they got together we didn't understand it ver well and lots of people thought a child like Suzie could be mature enough to have an equal relationship with an adult like Steve, but you always felt he was creepy, just like dd does. However now we know more about grooming.... discuss..... But Susies been with him her entire adult life and some of her childhood and so this is her normal, her safety and that makes you sad and dislike Steve even more.

Italiangreyhound · 26/03/2020 08:27

It does seem very selfish to assume promises we made to people just don't count if it was a lo g time ago. Safeguarding trumps everything but if you think she is safe and tell gee detaiks if a other person's life you are breaking a confidence a out something serious and it could have serious ramifications for Susie.

If your daughter won't allow you to keep this private, what makes you think she will?

Italiangreyhound · 26/03/2020 08:29

OP that was directed at the people saying tell her,, but at you. Flowers

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 26/03/2020 08:29

Find out first why she's insisting to know. There could be several reasons for this, she wants confirmation for her own feelings that he's creepy , he(or other family) are pushing for more contact with him either in real life or social media, her grandparents are portraying the image of a wonderful man but her mum doesn't like him and she thinks he's creepy and it's confusing etc.

Then you can adjust what you will tell her and how . The main line should be that Susie was very young and vulnerable and he took advantage of this, that he is controlling and treated her badly and she tried to leave him and never could. You can add more detail or keep it at that depending on her reasons. Reinforce that her instincts are spot on and she has a right to her feelings and boundaries.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/03/2020 08:30

I agree with Jennifer2r, that's a deft way out of this. You don't owe your daughter an explanation, that's your business, not hers. You also promised not to tell and you absolutely don't need to.

Not every secret needs to be told, and not under these circumstances, not unless you really want a family drama and the consequences of it? Don't!

Italiangreyhound · 26/03/2020 08:30

Excellent post andweallsingalong

Suniscomingout · 26/03/2020 08:31

Well, you've told us....yes tell her.

Original poster
CleanOrDie · 26/03/2020 08:32

I know what I know because Susie herself told me. They are a family who don't talk properly to each other about anything, ever, and don't deal with disagreements, just ignore them. I mean to the point where it is weird and even DD picks up on it on her visits. Susie herself didn't "cut me out" as such, but she took the side of her brother/DD's dad and defended his actions to a point where it made it impossible for us to get on. I would have happily maintained a relationship with her had she not constantly tried to interfere with contact arrangements etc.

We don't talk about them lots tbh, or at least haven't in the past, but recently DD has started trying to understand more about why her dad doesn't bother with her and why his family are all at each others throats so much. She has made contact with her half siblings who he also doesn't see, and that has answered some of her questions but brought up lots of others. I've been answering them as best I can as they come up.

I don't think he is on social media, certainly not on any of DD's, and DD isn't daft, she tells me about any inappropriate messages she gets and has a very good creep radar which I tell her she should trust!

And to the people who think I'm judgemental - I am, of Steve. Susie's past is not the reason why we no longer get on. It doesn't affect my opinion of her at all, she was young, vulnerable, desperate and IMO abused by multiple men who took advantage of that. That's no reflection on her, but every single one of those men is scum in my opinion and I won't apologise for thinking so!

OP posts:
Dylaninthemovies1 · 26/03/2020 08:33

Tell her the truth. She’s 16.

Suniscomingout · 26/03/2020 08:34

I meant, tell her about Steve, but no need to tell her everything about Susie.

4cats2kids · 26/03/2020 08:35

He sounds like a disgusting creep. I would let her know so she stays well away from him. Not someone you want around a young woman.

gingersausage · 26/03/2020 08:35

You sound excessively obsessed with the ins and outs of your ex-husband’s family. Who knows (or needs to know) that many details about their ex-SILs life? Your daughter sees them once a year, which you’ve obviously been quite happy with in spite of not liking this bloke, so why are you still overthinking it now?

I think you need to move on and put them out of your mind. It doesn’t sound particularly healthy.

mindutopia · 26/03/2020 08:35

Well, it's creepy, but honestly, it's not a whole lot different from other relationships that start under different circumstances. Lots of men think they can 'buy' women and that wealth and 'being taken care of' should be enough and lots of women are happy to trade their independence and self-worth for that life. Whether she may have been on drugs or a sex worker is a bit neither here nor there. At the very least, he helped her get clean and provided a route where she could leave that life. Certainly better than him keeping her addicted and pimping her out. It sounds like they've both chosen this life. It's not to my taste and isn't to yours, but as you've not seen them in 15 years, I can't imagine how you would really know what their relationship is like. I would just say you aren't fond of him and leave it at that. I don't think you have to provide more detail than that.