Should I tell DD why I dislike her "uncle" so much or would it be inappropriate/breach of confidence? Genuine dilemma here...

[CleanOrDie]

DD is 16. Her dad and I split up when she was less than a year old and he has had very little involvement with her (seen her once a year on average). However his parents, although annoying, rude and misguided, love her very much and have maintained a relationship with her and see her about 3 times a year. This is usually 2 visits to our area, when they stay locally and spend time with DD, and 1 visit by her to stay with them for a week. When DD visits them her dad will usually turn up to see her for a day visit but not always as he doesn't get on well with his parents or anyone else really

DD also has an aunt (her father's sister) who also has a strained relationship with their parents. Let's call her Susie for the purposes of clarity. Susie left home very young and became addicted to drugs by 16, and she was a sex worker for about 5 years. One of Susie's regular clients (let's call him Steve) paid for her to go to rehab, divorced his wife, and moved Susie in him once she was clean. Steve is 20 odd years older than Susie, very well off (she's in a gilded cage if you ask me) and their relationship has never been great (can't think why). I despise Steve and always have, because IMO he thinks he's bought Susie. He thinks she should be grateful to him for rescuing her. Or at least, this was his attitude when I last saw him which was about 15 years ago. I don't think he's actively dangerous as such, but I hate his attitude and I think men who buy women to use for sex are scum full stop (especially extremely young vulnerable drug addicted women).

Ex in-laws don't know the full story. They think Steve is just a very kind man who fell in love with Susie and fixed her up for life. They think she should be grateful that she's "never had to work" etc. I only know the full story because Susie told me in confidence once many years ago when she wanted to leave him. She has tried to leave him several times but always ends up going back. We used to get on fairly well and she would tell me a lot about her relationship with Steve, and I encouraged her to try and get away and make herself a life free of him. But since I split up with XP she took a "blood is thicker than water" line and we stopped seeing each other.

DD is now 16. I've never bothered to hide my dislike of Steve when he has come up on conversation and she is now asking me why I have such a problem with him. DD also thinks he is "wierd" and "creepy" (entirely her words not mine!). DD sees him anually when she visits her GPs and I don't think he poses any risk to her, but she is very very insistent that she wants to know why I dislike him.

Should I tell her the truth? Or do I owe it to Susie to keep a long ago promise not to tell anyone?

But you’ve been sending her there quite happily knowing all this for 15 years. If he’s such a creep that she shouldn’t be around him, why is it suddenly an issue now?

It seems bizarre that PPs are up in arms about the fact he might be dangerous, but he’s been around her for FIFTEEN YEARS. The time to “protect her child” from a creep is when you know he’s a creep. I don’t understand why a 16 year old is remotely interested in how an uncle-by-marriage got together with her aunt, or needs to know the fact she was a “sex worker”.

I might say something along the lines of what @MitziK said. Enough but not too much. It might even be a good life lesson opportunity.
I would not feel right about disclosing Suzie's 'previous' life.

I don’t understand why a 16 year old is remotely interested in how an uncle-by-marriage got together with her aunt, or needs to know the fact she was a “sex worker”.

She might not be, but she's definitely interested in why her mum doesn't like him and keeps asking about it. Avoiding the question or going all wishy washy or worse telling her it's none of her business is only going to backfire on OP and possibly affect their relationship. Fuck that,

But you’ve been sending her there quite happily knowing all this for 15 years. If he’s such a creep that she shouldn’t be around him, why is it suddenly an issue now?

There are many men who wouldn't be any particular danger to a small child who might be very dangerous indeed to a 16 year old girl. It's odd to pretend that we don't all know that.

I think you should tell her what you can without dropping Suzie's past life into it - that's Suzie's story to tell and up to her if she chooses to share with your DD.

You can just say that she made some choices that she regretted, and that Steve stepped in and now she's stuck with him. You can of course say that you think Steve is a creepy old sleaze too, and that your DD should try to make sure that she's never alone with him if she feels uncomfortable.

You could also ask Suzie if she would tell your DD the story, but she may well choose not to.

Again, please find out why your DD herself doesn't like Uncle Creepy. There may be things she hasn't mentioned to you that you'd want to know about.

Good point by Love51. Tell DD her instincts about this man are right, and show you admire her good sense. She is so right be wary of men like him.

Don’t tell DD about Susie’s past, there’s no need and breaking a confidence is never good except in the direst emergency.

@CleanOrDie

Oh bollocks I didn't mean to enable bloody voting, I have no idea which way to tell people to vote. Sorry.

We've disabled the vote function on this thread now, as requested.

@TheProdigalKittensReturn, I’m not for a minute pretending I don’t know that but the solution is to remove the problem. All the extraneous torrid detail is completely unnecessary and not pertinent to the fact the bloke is a sleaze.

If someone posted “my ex BIL is a total sleazebag and he creeps me out, but I’ve been letting my daughter visit him for the last 15 years” they would get so much shit. Yet if you take out all the flim-flam, that’s exactly what this post is. I obviously couldn’t care less if the OP tells her daughter their life history, I just think it’s bizarre to dress it up in a 1500 word essay.

That's why I'm suggesting that she find out why her DD doesn't like the guy, ginger. There has to be a reason beyond knowing that her mum doesn't care for him. If the answer is that he's already given her good reason not to feel comfortable around him then she needs not to be around him any more.

(I'd probably stop sending her anyway)

If you tell DD all the details - what is the point of that? Do you think Steve will assault her? He did not have to take ex. sister in law off the streets.
If you tell daughter it will then all probably come out - from her to them - after all these years to the whole family - you said the grand parents did not know? Well, they will if you tell daughter. It will probably cause a lot of shock and pain unnecessarily. Maybe it will all be denied and you called a liar/trouble maker? Do you have proof? She will probably stop visiting that part of family/be unwelcome - maybe that is what you want and may be you are right.

Unless she asks, I wouldn't mention anything. Some things are better left unsaid.

Unless she asks, I wouldn't mention anything. Some things are better left unsaid.

This I totally Disagree with.
The girl has a creepy feeling about her "uncle" - she should not be taught to ignore and push down her feelings about people like him.
She's been pushing the OP to know why the OP doesn't like him - she needs validation for why she also feels he's creepy, but she doesn't need ALL the details, of course not. Just enough to let her know to trust her gut.

The fact that a family member has form for preying on vulnerable young people is definitely not in the "things better left unsaid" category, particularly when the person they're not being said to may be a potential target.

I would tell her. I would do it in a serious sit down way with the first sentence being

"What I am about to tell you never ever goes out of this conversation. I am telling you so that you know what sort of man he is and how you can prepare yourself"

I would wonder why she is so insistent. Perhaps she wants to check out her own feelings about him against yours. I think you need to talk to her as openly as you can about this man, he may well pose a threat to your daughter which she has picked up on. Red Flags, gut feelings etc are all important help her know what is happening here and that these feelings, intuitions should be believed and will help protect her through life.
Your daughter sounds very astute.

There are many men who wouldn't be any particular danger to a small child who might be very dangerous indeed to a 16 year old girl. It's odd to pretend that we don't all know that.

Quite. A huge amount of gaslighting going on in this thread, with people accusing the OP of being obsessed, judgemental etc. FFS if people here would be so laidback about their 16-year old daughter spending time with a much older man who uses prostitutes and exercises coercive control over his partner, then they probably shouldn't be parents.

Personally I would tell her. And I'd try to make sure she wasn't spending any time alone with him. Your child's safety must always come first.

Unless she asks, I wouldn't mention anything.
She asked . Or is she supposed to specifically ask "was aunt susie a prostitute and steve took advantage of that and is controlling and expects her to be eternally grateful?"

I hate the bullshit "well you never asked" some people hide behind.

When DD was younger I had no particular concerns because although I consider him scum I don't think he's a paedophile or a direct danger to children. His attitude is one that I wouldn't particularly want around my DC but for an hour or two less than once a year I felt it wasn't worth making things worse with XPs family over!

I also didn't actually realise he was still on the scene for some years either, when I lost contact with Susie I thought they were splitting up. DD didn't tell me because she was so young, and obviously XPs family tell me nothing so they didn't tell me.

I would imagine your DD may struggle a lot with her abandonment by her father. That's probably pretty tough for her, and not something she can really share with you because of your own implication in it.
We can choose our partners and can choose to leave them, but we share our DNA with our parents.
For your daughter, it is not that her father is missing from her life, but that she is 'a child who had no Dad'. Does your DD have other male role models in her life, that are trustworthy and kind?
She may be wondering about men in general and whether they are ever to be trusted or whether they are all 'bad or creepy'.
If she does not have a stepdad or a grandfather who is approved of by you, then her interpretation of men is mainly based on your messages about men to her.

I would tell her, but the general gist not the details, like PP have said vulnerable place, you feel he took advantage of that, the age difference, you feel he doesn' t treat Susie well and with kindness but no details about drugs or sex work.

I would tell her to always trust her gut even if it offends people.

Having seen people re-write history when the person is no longer around to correct them, I am all for giving children factual information about their family. It explains why we behave in a particular way with some of them.

Just to add, for the child who is abandoned at an early age by their Dad (who shows little interest or involvement)...that child can find themselves caught in a dilemma. They might have a fantasy or idealisation about that Dad coming back and explaining themselves. Sort of 'if he really knew me as a person he'd love me'. And then this swivelled to 'he hasn't come back so he mustn't love me'. Or 'my Mum always speaks badly of my Dad. Maybe she doesn't like the part of me that is like him'.
These men only think about themselves. They are in the minority though, so it's important not to cast all men in the same light.
It's important to identify that that particular man had so many emotional issues of his own that it is impossible for him to engage with people...and that makes him abusive to his family. And no one can change that.
To impress upon the child that she is not being singled out for special treatment, that he has not abandoned her because of anything she is, but because of the person he is.

Personally I would tell DD. She is mature enough to handle the truth and although you have loyalty to Susie your priority should be your DD. You owe it to her to trust her with the truth.

If you're not looking to cause trouble don't tell your 16 yr old.