Should I tell DD why I dislike her "uncle" so much or would it be inappropriate/breach of confidence? Genuine dilemma here...

[CleanOrDie]

DD is 16. Her dad and I split up when she was less than a year old and he has had very little involvement with her (seen her once a year on average). However his parents, although annoying, rude and misguided, love her very much and have maintained a relationship with her and see her about 3 times a year. This is usually 2 visits to our area, when they stay locally and spend time with DD, and 1 visit by her to stay with them for a week. When DD visits them her dad will usually turn up to see her for a day visit but not always as he doesn't get on well with his parents or anyone else really

DD also has an aunt (her father's sister) who also has a strained relationship with their parents. Let's call her Susie for the purposes of clarity. Susie left home very young and became addicted to drugs by 16, and she was a sex worker for about 5 years. One of Susie's regular clients (let's call him Steve) paid for her to go to rehab, divorced his wife, and moved Susie in him once she was clean. Steve is 20 odd years older than Susie, very well off (she's in a gilded cage if you ask me) and their relationship has never been great (can't think why). I despise Steve and always have, because IMO he thinks he's bought Susie. He thinks she should be grateful to him for rescuing her. Or at least, this was his attitude when I last saw him which was about 15 years ago. I don't think he's actively dangerous as such, but I hate his attitude and I think men who buy women to use for sex are scum full stop (especially extremely young vulnerable drug addicted women).

Ex in-laws don't know the full story. They think Steve is just a very kind man who fell in love with Susie and fixed her up for life. They think she should be grateful that she's "never had to work" etc. I only know the full story because Susie told me in confidence once many years ago when she wanted to leave him. She has tried to leave him several times but always ends up going back. We used to get on fairly well and she would tell me a lot about her relationship with Steve, and I encouraged her to try and get away and make herself a life free of him. But since I split up with XP she took a "blood is thicker than water" line and we stopped seeing each other.

DD is now 16. I've never bothered to hide my dislike of Steve when he has come up on conversation and she is now asking me why I have such a problem with him. DD also thinks he is "wierd" and "creepy" (entirely her words not mine!). DD sees him anually when she visits her GPs and I don't think he poses any risk to her, but she is very very insistent that she wants to know why I dislike him.

Should I tell her the truth? Or do I owe it to Susie to keep a long ago promise not to tell anyone?

I agree with everything what @Bluntness100 said above, he's no risk to your daughter and she doesn't need to know

I think like andweallsingalong said you can tell her without telling her, kind of. You can potentially leave out the sex work part and say that Creepy met Susie when she was very young and in a vulnerable situation and exploited that without giving specific details about what the situation was.

Also if DD already doesn't like this man and has noticed your dislike of him enough to press for information I don't know that I'd be assuming that he isn't a risk to her.

Your DD sounds very mature and already has a strong instinct about this man. I'd tell her as much as you can, without disclosing the aunt's addiction/prostitution.

Something along the lines of "She was young, vulnerable and in a very bad place" should cover that aspect. And it's a great opportunity to explain that men don't have to be violent to be abusive to their partners, being controlling can be enough.

Yes I think there is enough to say without breaking Susies trust - your daughter sees the creepy behaviour and at her age I think this is a good time to warn her about being groomed by an older man and ending up in a gilded cage

My mum told me some stuff like this at 16 and I felt like it was fine at the time, but in hindsight it was quite a lot for me to handle (it was about things which had personally happened to her).

Agree about framing it as a controlling relationship/unhealthy behaviour rather than going into specifics which could break Susie's trust.

"but recently DD has started trying to understand more about why her dad doesn't bother with her and why his family are all at each others throats so much. She has made contact with her half siblings who he also doesn't see, and that has answered some of her questions but brought up lots of others. I've been answering them as best I can as they come up"

It would seem this is the bit more relevant to her, why is her dad how he is. But really that isn't something you can answer fully. Only he knows how he has managed to father kids then not have relationships with them.

Does your dd know there is a secret you cannot tell? If so, she may wonder at all kinds of things - did you have an affair with uncle and that destroyed your relationship with her dad, etc!

Too much drama or soap operas might mean she is embellishing so you may need to explain your dislike without breaking Susie's confidence.

You do not sound at all judgmental.

My mum did too, Bertie, and I was and still am glad that she did, because it explained a lot. I think there's a lot of variation in what kids are ready to talk about at that age.

Yes, tell her. You MUST warn her.

'Susie was very young and vulnerable and I think Steve took advantage of that to have somebody he could control by not letting her work or have any independence. I was never comfortable with the way he spoke to her or treated her and the trouble in a family where problems are never spoken about, it's very difficult for somebody to see that they are being badly treated, even if they appear to have everything they need. I always liked Susie and was sad that we couldn't stay in contact, but things were too difficult after me and your Dad split up as we didn't agree on a lot of things'.

You don't need to drag out the lurid details about her, as that would sound like you're trying to shame the woman and take the focus away from how fucking creepy Steve is.

"Also if DD already doesn't like this man and has noticed your dislike of him enough to press for information I don't know that I'd be assuming that he isn't a risk to her."

I do think 39TheProdigalKittensReturn has a point. If he met Susie when she was a teenager and he mich older I would definitely say that to your dd.

I'd tell her what you can say, without breaking the confidence. You could also say that there is more but that it was told to you in confidence, and not your secret to tell. DD is old enough to understand that there will be things you can't tell her.

Excellent post LakieLady.

I'm not sure I agree 'DD is old enough to understand that there will be things you can't tell her.' I think that will just make her dig deeper!

He is creepy and as an adult man took advantage of a much younger person should explain it IMHO. Especially as dd is now approaching the age she was when she met the uncle.

FFS I only know because I was told and when I was told it was quite a big deal because she was asking for my support to get the fuck out of the situation. What am I meant to do, bleach my brain so I forget everything? I don't have an "unhealthy obsession" - I've happily ignored their existence for years, but for reasons I have explained my DD is asking me questions and wanting to talk about her father and his family and that's why it's coming up again. Sorry for remembering facts about someone I used to see several times a week and get on really well with

In the case of men who have a liking for teenage girls and a pattern of grooming them I'd always tend to err on the side of caution, since typically that doesn't change over time.

Also this idea that it's "obsessive" to know a lot of stuff about your inlaws is odd. I know tons of random stuff that I didn't particularly want to know about my inlaws just because my DH talks about them, I talk to them, etc.

Tell her that you don’t like him but can’t share the details as you need to keep the promise that you made to Susie. Useful for her to learn that you can be trusted to keep confidences.

OP your concerns are titally understandable.

TheProdigalKittensReturns you are very wise. I would be suspicious of a man twenty years older than a teenage girl eithoit any question of drugs or prostitution.

I think people are forgetting or ignoring the fact that at some point you had a relationship with these people, that Susie asked you for support , that you were close to her and liked her. The feelings and opinions that formed through her disclosure are not going to change just because it's been a long time or because you don't have a relationship anymore. He still is who he is. You still feel the same.

I would tell her. There is something not right about her wanting to know so badly, I'd do anything to protect my child over and above anyone you decided to 'drop me'. If we were still friends, I'd ask permission, but you owe her nothning.

I wouldn't tell her about the sex work, but maybe you would so that so she can understand why her aunt was so vulnerable. That's up to you.

I'd definitely tell her that S tried to leave in the past and kept going back.

Have you explored with your DD why she thinks Steve is creepy? Maybe it needs to be a two way conversation so you both understand each other’s reasoning behind it.

I am not sure why you have made such a thing of being vocally explicit that you don’t like Steve to the point that your Dd wants to know why. He is the Dp of your ex’s estranged sister. I realise she took you into her confidence but once she lost touch with you, why have you gone on about her partner?

Just say to your Dd ‘the same reason you don’t like him. She was very young and vulnerable when they got together, I felt it was creepy’.

And stop gossiping and involving yourself.

Do NOT tell your 16 yo things that her own parents do not know. It isn’t fair.

Does your daughter enjoy her time with her GPs?

From what you initially say about them-& how her father & his sister don't get on I'd be wary of sending her.

Then there's Steve who she sees whilst there.

I’d 100% tell her

Your dd safety should be put before anyone

She is already feeling his creepy vibe so he must be doing something to set that off. She needs to be aware of this man