Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not a dig and my husband should get over it?

133 replies

Rafaroo · 25/03/2020 14:21

Hello All

Not a coronavirus related post and a bit frivolous in these current times but hoping it may take your mind off if you read it!

So... 2 weeks ago I gave birth to our second child and a few days later a package arrived for me from my sister. She sent bits and bobs for our eldest, some bits for the baby, a funny little novelty mug for my husband and something amazing for me - a pair of black Louboutin heels!! Now to give you some context, I do not own any designer shoes at all. I could never afford them before I was married and now I am married, my husband could afford to buy them for me but in both our eyes there is always something more important. Anyway, for years though my husband has been promising to get them for me and has mentioned this to me and to my sister. I've never held him to that though as with a child and another on the way, demanding a £500 pair of shoes seemed unreasonable at best! Anyway, my sister has now bought them for me and my husband is fuming. He says he thinks she is making a dig at him by buying something for me that he always wanted to buy me and it is her way of shaming him for not buying it sooner. Sort of like 'I had to buy this for my sister because you won't'.

I don't think it is like this. I think my sister just knows I really wanted them, and decided to spoil me with a lovely gift. My husband is really upset though and says he feels embarrassed. I personally think he is making a big deal over nothing.

So what do you think? Would you take it as a dig if you were my husband?

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 25/03/2020 16:02

if i was going to do this for my sister, I'd have contacted my Sister in law first to check if they were going to buy it anytime soon or "shall we go halves" (or even i pay more if money tight etc) or just get something else if she said she still wanted to buy that item.

I'd not leap in an buy something like that, that my SIL had promised her wife, without checking first. As i'd know it would look like i was trying to one up her.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 25/03/2020 16:03

There are a few things going on here.
1 - your DH could have bought them for you but he made decisions over the 'years' that you have said that you'd love a pair to withhold this from you. That isn't right. He could have said "Look @Rafaroo, I just can't justify spending that amount on a pair of shoes, for you, for me, for anyone really so I'm not going to get them for you"
2 - you have to look after yourself (and in some cases this means treating yourself to something nice, something frivolous, something expensive) and if you can, do. You're still prioritising your family but you have to prioritise yourself in that family too.
3 - your sister knew this would be a lovely thing to do and she decided to do it for her sister, you. I'd say thank you and when will I be getting the matching handbag? :D :D :D

As your DH has thrown a strop about this, I think it speaks volumes about him and how he sees you and also how he sees himself. Unable or unwilling to treat his wife to a once off lovely treat...and then complaining if someone else does just that!

This is more than about a pair of designer shoes....

powershowerforanhour · 25/03/2020 16:04

It's like when men get arsy that you got an electrician in because he "was going to do it" for the past two years!

Yes, this! Tell him that the road to hell.is paved with good intentions. Love the dress/bag idea. Congrats on the baby, enjoy the new shoes

OhCaptain · 25/03/2020 16:10

I’d say it’s that toxic male pride wankery coupled with his own embarrassment that he’s been a selfish knob about the shoes.

A wankery knob. Sadly not as rare as you’d like to think...

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 25/03/2020 16:13

If he's so upset about it, tell him he can always buy you a pair too Wink

Your Dh is being an arse but ... there was something I had always said I'd buy myself when I reached a certain milestone. DH bought it for me instead. He knew when I planned to buy it and it did annoy me (although I didn't let it show) that he'd trampled all over my plans. He just thought he was being generous.

MegaClutterSlut · 25/03/2020 16:19

She knows you have been wanting these for YEARS so she probably thought she'd buy them as a nice gift. Your husband obviously feels guilty she got in first but that's his problem, he could have bought them years ago!. It's not like you mentioned them yesterday and she rushed out and bought them. Your dh is an idiot imo

BaaLamby · 25/03/2020 16:22

Petulant Manchild!. Really, I can stand the ‘I’m going to’. or ‘I was going to’, I grew up with a Father who constantly promised this or that. It was just words. It never happened. I learned not to believe a word he said. Then I met and married a man who did the same. For 20 years, he was going buy me a new horse, car, take me on a cruise etc etc. It never happened! I have never asked for anything and don’t expect anything. Why do they do it? Why do they say it?. When it’s not followed up, it’s just empty words and it’s insulting. It’s like a little pat on the head. Your sister knew he wouldn’t get them so she did a lovely thing. She quite rightly showed him up for the Bullshitter he is.

motherheroic · 25/03/2020 16:23

It's not her fault he can't follow through.

JaneEyre7 · 25/03/2020 16:29

My DH would be thrilled that he wasn't having to shell out for something I really wanted.............

I'd really take issue, tbh, OP, because you've just given birth, you've had an amazing thoughtful gift and he's making it about him.

It's not making him look great, is it?

DCOkeford · 25/03/2020 16:34

In all honesty, she is having a dig at your DH, but it is deserved.

The only reason he is having a strop is because he can see (as we all can) that there is more than a grain of truth in the dig that she is making.

She's shown him up and nobody likes that.

Hopefully he will take the hint and not drag his heels (see what I did there?) in future re promising and then not delivering.

HelloBolloxMyOldFriend · 25/03/2020 16:34

Is he toxic in other areas? Was he holding these shoes over your head to keep you in check? Or is this an isolated incident?

YANBU. He is being unreasonable. And to the one who can't believe the price tag, that's nothing. Some Louboutins are a few thousand!

SmallChickBilly · 25/03/2020 16:35

If it was the other way around, the response would be so different. If a poster wrote that she'd always wanted to get her OH the cycling electronics he's been dreaming of for some time and to surprise him with it, but then found out that his sister, or worse, his mum had decided to get for him for his birthday, the outcome would be 90%+ to say that she was right to be upset and that her OH's family member had been unreasonable for getting him what they knew OP wanted to offer him.

I don't think it would - if the poster said that they had been promising FOR YEARS and never prioritised it, never chosen a birthday or Christmas to actually do it, then I don't think anyone would agree that was reasonable!

Apart from anything, what about the OP? She really wanted the shoes - is she really not allowed to have them unless her husband finally actually buys them for her? It's supposed to be a gift for her, not an ego-boosting exercise for him and it's a bit dog in the manger to say that nobody else is allowed to buy someone a present that you aren't actually going to buy either!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 25/03/2020 16:40

I wish I had your sister! YANBU
^^ I agree with this sentiment, what a thoughtful gift!

needsmorebooks · 25/03/2020 16:45

Your sister is a sweetie. Your dh is a dick.

Also it is possible to own more than one pair of designer shoes so your dh can still buy you some. Your sis hadn't bought the only pair of laboutins in the world.

Eckhart · 25/03/2020 16:45

Embarrassed isn't what you feel when someone else does something silly or wrong.

drinkygin · 25/03/2020 16:51

He’s a pathetic baby. And a dick for ruining what should be a lovely surprise for you.

TealWater · 25/03/2020 16:53

You say: Everytime I go shopping I buy more for my kid or husband than me.
So you buy things for your husband, and he doesn't reciprocate. Your husband is a stingy, mean, tight-arsed, selfish arsehole. Why are you with him? If he can afford them, and has known for YEARS you would like them, but hasn't even taken the time to buy them for you for your birthday or Christmas or Valentines day, then he is all big mouth talk and no action. If he feels embarrassed - good! So he bloody well should, he should feel ashamed that your sister clearly cares more about you than he does. He can't even buy you anything nice. Then makes it all about him when he rightfully feels a pang of guilty conscience.

Does this selfish narcissistic man have any redeeming qualities? You deserve to be number one, if he really loved you he would have bought you the shoes years ago. LTB, don't be second place in a relationship when he never stops to consider you but you buy him things all the time. He sounds like a tight-arsed CF and narcissistic prick.

Thatnovembernight · 25/03/2020 16:56

So not only did he not follow through in buying you the shoes but he is now spoiling your enjoyment of your gift? Ffs.

NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 25/03/2020 16:57

He’s being a petulant knob.

If he wanted to buy you them then he should have bought you them shouldn’t he?

Your sister just saved him £500. He should be grateful she’s saved him forming out!

NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 25/03/2020 16:57

Forking...

Lesat · 25/03/2020 16:59

Please do not let someone else spoil something for you. I've had people who are close to me do that to me soo many times and now i ignore there self centred meltdown. You deserve them, so please enjoy them.

JudyCoolibar · 25/03/2020 17:00

I can sort of see his point. If there was something special that I had always wanted to buy DH, but had put off because he and I agreed there were other priorities, I'd be a bit unhappy if someone else had jumped in with it.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 25/03/2020 17:10

He's making something lovely all about him and spoiling it. I'd be raging. Tell him you like diamonds too.

teaandcake19 · 25/03/2020 17:23

You have an amazing sister and your husband is a bit of a knob

1forAll74 · 25/03/2020 17:25

He should be pleased to save some money,, maybe he can get you a £500 designer bag instead though. Will you wear the shoes around the house now, when baby is asleep?