To think this is not a dig and my husband should get over it?

[Rafaroo]

Hello All

Not a coronavirus related post and a bit frivolous in these current times but hoping it may take your mind off if you read it!

So... 2 weeks ago I gave birth to our second child and a few days later a package arrived for me from my sister. She sent bits and bobs for our eldest, some bits for the baby, a funny little novelty mug for my husband and something amazing for me - a pair of black Louboutin heels!! Now to give you some context, I do not own any designer shoes at all. I could never afford them before I was married and now I am married, my husband could afford to buy them for me but in both our eyes there is always something more important. Anyway, for years though my husband has been promising to get them for me and has mentioned this to me and to my sister. I've never held him to that though as with a child and another on the way, demanding a £500 pair of shoes seemed unreasonable at best! Anyway, my sister has now bought them for me and my husband is fuming. He says he thinks she is making a dig at him by buying something for me that he always wanted to buy me and it is her way of shaming him for not buying it sooner. Sort of like 'I had to buy this for my sister because you won't'.

I don't think it is like this. I think my sister just knows I really wanted them, and decided to spoil me with a lovely gift. My husband is really upset though and says he feels embarrassed. I personally think he is making a big deal over nothing.

So what do you think? Would you take it as a dig if you were my husband?

Your husband is being a twat. He can’t get annoyed at what other people buy you.

Is he financially controlling? Ideally you and DH should have access to the same level of ‘fun’ spending money , and you should be able to save up and buy your own shoes out of that.

I could never afford them before I was married and now I am married, my husband could afford to buy them for me but in both our eyes there is always something more important

This does rather sound like he's the one making the decisions on what money should be spent on, and OP is gonig along with it. So he could, at any time, have bought the shoes. He just chose not to and is now sulking as his wife's sister has shown him up. whether she intended that, or whether she just bought them because she knew OP liked them is a different issue.

He feels guilty so is twisting it into anger at your sister. He probably wouldn’t have ever bought them for you anyway.

Nice sister!

Your dh is being a tit

Your sister sounds fabulous as do your shoes!

I voted YABU because I think your husband is acting like a man child twat over a pair of shoes that I don’t think he was ever going to buy for you.

When my sister in law was heavily pregnant with her second baby, my OH had been working in the States. He sent her a fabulous pair of designer (l forget which) heels.
She rang me one evening saying she was lying on the sofa with her lovely shoes on, feet up on a cushion, eating ice cream and Maltesers. She said "No way could l walk in them at the minute, but l feel bloody marvellous just lying here looking at them."
Her husband was just pleased she was happy. They weren't particularly well off at the time, and my OH knew it was something they couldn't afford, but something she'd love. She said she even put them on her dressing table so she could admire them when she was lying on the bed, resting. She'd had a tough pregnancy and it was something that cheered her up.
lsn't that the point? lt's not about who bought them, it was a kind gesture and the husband also got a present, albeit a mug.
You're the one that's carried and given birth to the baby. lf someone wants to buy you a present, that's kind of them. l very much doubt the intent was to piss him off.

How has he lost his chance? He knows Louboutin stock more than one style of shoes right?

I was thinking about this in different contexts - if it had been you wanting to give your DH something, and his sister (or, worse, his mother) jumped in and gave it to him before you had the chance to, would you be upset? I think you would. I know I would.

If, for all these years, he's been saying "I really want to get you those shoes" and you've been knocking it back, saying "we've plenty of other things to spend £500 (!!) on", then I can see why he'd be a bit hurt now - because it was his "thing" that he wanted to treat you with, and now your sister has done it instead.

On the other hand, if he's been saying it in that "oh one day I'll get you some Louboutins" and it's never really materialised in any realistic way, then he's just sour because he has been shown up.

Hard to say, really, but I don't suppose your sister really meant it as a dig, did she? So he should probably just suck it up and think of something else special to treat you with.

I’ll go against the grain and say I would find it weird if I had mentioned to someone I was planning to buy a specific present for someone else and then they went out and bought the very thing I had told them I was going to buy.

I think your sister is an idiot for spending 500 Pounds on a pair of shoes when you have 2 little children.

Male pride is a weird thing.

Cba to do something themselves, but humiliated if someone else does it

Although if it’s a family member i suppose I wouldn’t find it weird as I would if it were a friend, but I would still be a little put out.

If it was the other way around, the response would be so different. If a poster wrote that she'd always wanted to get her OH the cycling electronics he's been dreaming of for some time and to surprise him with it, but then found out that his sister, or worse, his mum had decided to get for him for his birthday, the outcome would be 90%+ to say that she was right to be upset and that her OH's family member had been unreasonable for getting him what they knew OP wanted to offer him.

I think your sister was out of line. She knew your OH wanted to get it for you at some point, so yes, it is a dig at hime. If it wasn't, surely she could have contacted him and asked if he minded her bying as a special treat for giving birth.

Honestly if he is that bothered he should have bought them sooner

Feeling vindicated! My sister is very wonderful for sure, and honestly, I do not believe it was a dig. I had a rough pregnancy and she has disposable income (great job no kids) so I think she just saw the chance to buy me something she knew I'd love and spoil me and she took it.

Quite agree that he probably was not going to buy them. That's why I never held him to it. I couldn't imagine him parting with that kind of money for a pair of shoes! I think he feels bad because he knows how many times he has told me he would buy them for me, but honestly I was not holding my breath and I didn't feel mad about it.

But they are great and when my feet are no longer swollen they will look fab on! 😁😁

Love the suggestions about telling him to get me a bag or dress though... Sounds like the perfect solution to me! 😂👍

Why on earth didn’t you just buy them yourself OP?

"Honestly if he is that bothered he should have bought them sooner"

I think as a pp put, it depends on who was the driving force behind them both decided that the money could be better spent elsewhere.

If it was Op saying no, should her husband still have bought the shoes (I think not).

Obviously also Op is glad to have the shoes & doesn't care who bought them for her.

If my husband wanted to get me something then I wouldn't want someone else to-I'd rather wait.

Of course only Op knows if there ever was a real possibility of her husband getting them.

@JuanSheetIsPlenty - I could have done but always feel guilty splurging on myself. Everytime I go shopping I buy more for my kid or husband than me. Spending £500 on myself would make me feel like I am prioritising myself and not my family...

He needs to get over himself.

Congrats on the baby.

Every time I go shopping I buy more for my kid or husband than me. Spending £500 on myself would make me feel like I am prioritising myself and not my family...

And your husband is happy with this because you say ‘he knows how many times he has told me he would buy them for me, but honestly I was not holding my breath and I didn't feel mad about it.’

Do you not see how awful he has been, OP?

"Quite agree that he probably was not going to buy them. That's why I never held him to it. I couldn't imagine him parting with that kind of money for a pair of shoes! I think he feels bad because he knows how many times he has told me he would buy them for me, but honestly I was not holding my breath and I didn't feel mad about it."

I find that really quite disturbing. He frequently promises to do something that you both know he won't do. So why does he do it? (I can think of a few reasons, and none of them are good.)

He should have bought you the shoes, but he didn’t so she did. He still can (and should)! What’s the big deal, he’s being a baby

Ah well, if you think he was not likely to have ever actually bought them for you then he should absolutely get over himself and stop being a whiny little arse about it.

Is he always such a self-absorbed arsehole? It's pathetic that he can't just be happy for you, and somehow I doubt this is the first time you've seen behaviour like this from him.

Good God! I had to scroll back to the top to check it was AIBU. I thought for a bit there that I'd strayed into Style and beauty