Anyone else realised they are a shit parent and wife?

[Desperateforadviceplease]

I thought I was an okay mum, but these last couple of weeks have shown me that I really am a nasty bitch. I am losing my shit over everything.
Can someone please give me tips on how to cope with the rising stress levels that come with whatever this mess is? I am not handling at well at all and my patience has disintergrated.

I don't want to be like some of the selfish evil parents other people are talking about, I don't want my kids to remember the CV pandemic as the time mommy turned into a monster but I have. I have turned into a horrible person to my wonderful partner and children and I really don't know how to go back to being a normal nice one.

The stress of not knowing if I can get essentials to eat, not knowing if dp will lose his contract or maybe even his job, not knowing if I will ever see my grandparents and elderly relatives again, and not knowing if my parents are going to be safe now that people in their 30s and 40s are ending up on ventilators fighting for fucking life, I cant stop crying. And i cant hide it from my kids. I cant stop shouting and arguing with their dad.

Has anyone stayed normal during this? How can I go back to being a dependable adult and a safe space for my children because I am freaking the fuck out and it is showing.
I can't even recognise myself and I only started taking notice of this CV thing less than 2 weeks ago.

I reckon all of us are struggling at the moment.

How old are your children? DS found me sobbing in the kitchen and it gave him the wake up call to stop being such a wingy little sod and start taking it all seriously.
He's 10 btw.

Op, you are there, looking after them.

My ex has refused to see his son until this is all over “because he doesn’t think it’s worth the risk”. He’s basically run away because he’s scared and he cares more about his own safety than for the well being of his own son.

He is a spineless shit parent. You are a stressed parent struggling to cope. There is no comparison x

OP - in the act of "realising" - you are absolutely not failing. Not at all. You're struggling to cope and wishing to do better. You sound like a lovely mum and wife to be so concerned. Can you all exercise together? I have me, dh, DS1 autistic and DS2 probs autistic all at home, have been for a week. The Joe thingy Pe routine has been brilliant.

You're not alone. I feel like a shit parent, we had started TTC DC2 which is on hold in definitely as apparently I cant even cope with the DD I have now. Toddler DD refuses to walk but has come on leaps and bounds this last week without being passed around GP childcare and nursery. She keeps saying 'happy' and I feel awful because clearly working as I have has held her back. Shes bloody hard work to and I'm exhausted before it's even lunch time. Life will never be the same after this.

I've found that having a routine and sticking to it helps. It doesn't have to be a perfect routine, just something that gives you all a sense of normality and helps you all to be happier around eachother.

If everyone knows what they should be doing and when then you might find it helps everyone rub along easier. Also put lots of things into your routine that are enjoyable, don't just fill it with all the things you 'should be doing'. Right now isn't the time to beat yourself up cause the kids aren't doing enough learning, or you aren't exercising enough, or you ate too much cake.

Did I write this while I was in a homeschooling-induced fugue state?!

Kids are resilient and they will see that this isn’t who you usually are. I’m struggling to keep my shit together too. I’m having to fake being nice, all I want to do is shout and cry.

I remember my mum going through a tough patch when I was around 12. I don’t actually know what it was about but I knew she wasn’t herself and I didn’t blame her for it. I got my lovely mum back.

Maybe you are these things, maybe not. I must say that the seeming level of self-awareness shown in the OP is a huge step in the right direction of being neither.

FWIW not being hard on yourself is equally important to not being hard on others, both vitally important for maintaining decent relations.

I think most of us, if not all, are struggling to keep it together right now. I'm pregnant and on day 10 of total isolation with 2 under 5 and it is emotionally and physically crippling already. Don't be so hard on yourself, please, you are not alone in feeling this way.

Don't think of all the 'what if' worst case scenarios.... I am just focussing on today, taking little steps. If I find myself panicking, I just think of the fact that this WILL pass. Not easy, but we're all in the same boat, that brings a little bit of odd comfort xx

OP, it all feels too big for you to deal with. Focus on what is in front of you.

Give yourself 1 or 2 times a day to check the news. Otherwise turn it off. You are safe in your house and your children are safe. That is a good start.

There are a lot of frustrated people on Mumsnet and when you sit and read a series of threads you can feel like the world is ending. It isn't.

Go and hug your children and give yourself the afternoon to escape with them. Watch a movie and give them and you a few hours where none of this matters.

Op I'm a single parent to a 2 year old and I've been in tears most days this week. It's OK to struggle. Do you have a garden? I'm finding getting out in this sunshine is helping to lift my spirits. I've also been having a glass or two of wine most evenings but obviously not recommending that

You will get through this, it won't be easy but we need to just keep going.

I really don't need reassurances that I'm a good parent. I am crumbing when my kids need a steady... anything! Everything has changed for them and need to be their constant but I actually am not. Its like they have a different mommy. A new horrid one who shouts and swears and cries all the time.
Theyre only little 6, 5 and nearly 2.
I am failing them at the moment.
Isn't there something I can do to go back to normal? Deep breaths and getting dressed helps but there has to be more little practical ways to feel normal?

OP, I feel exactly the same. DD is having a roblox day today for my sanity and hers. I feel even shitter for it as I should be playing with her or getting her brain going but I have work up to my eyeballs and feel constantly on the verge of tears so I thought let's leave it for today and see how we go

How old are your DC OP? It’s quite natural that the stress of the unknown with this is taking its toll. It’s good you have recognised this and as you are clearly concerned about how to manage it shows me you’re not a terrible mother or wife.

My DC are only toddlers and so I have just tried my best to keep the days as normal as possible (minus our usual trips to the park and such of course) but I’m worried about my DH who is still being forced to work despite being at high risk if he catches anything. On days where I feel the stress is affecting my temper I make frequent trips to my kitchen (secured by a baby gate) and take a breather if I feel my temper rising, then I go back to my DC when I have calmed enough. Obviously this isn’t great for them but I make sure to get a job done at the same time (washing pots, sorting paperwork, cleaning and tidying etc) so I at least feel I’ve done something productive.

Coping strategies for anger can be useful but I find it’s highly dependent on the individual as to what works for them. Also depending on your DC’s age would change how to implement certain coping mechanisms as well.

Honestly? Compartmentalise as much as possible. Right now focus on your kids, home, family etc. I have vulnerable parents, and I'm not able to see them, I love them.very much but I also have 2 kids under 3, so I'm trying to just concentrate on them for the time being. It works sometimes, not always, but tbh that's all I've got.

Do you have post it notes? If so - brilliant. Use them to construct a visual timetable of what you should all be doing in any given day. Ask your children to help you. Get into a rythym and then revisit it. Exercise. If you have internet and a screen, check out cosmic kids yoga, the whole family can do that using towels on the floor if you don't have mats.

These are very trying times. You are doing your best. Your best will be good enough.

Here are my handy hints.

1. Sunshine. If you can get out in it, do so.
2. Routine. Doesn't have to be militant, but if you get up at the same time, have some sort of structure to the day, it helps you feel in control, and it helps your children feel that you are in control.
3. Red light thought, green light thought. So, when you think 'God, I don't know if I'm going to be able to get toilet roll', next thought, 'but I've got x in the cupboard, and if I go to y if I'm desperate, I know they'll give me a roll, and they have plenty'.
4. Give yourself a break. You're in a really hard time, no one expects you to be Mary Poppins crossed with Mrs Doubtfire.
5. Keep busy. Particularly physically. I find I feel so much better if I get off my arse, even just to fold a load of washing. I feel even better if I put another load on!
6. Build in small rewards, for you and for them. Made it to midday without completely losing your shit?! Wahay - a little bit of whatever you fancy and have in, for you both.
7. Limit your exposure to social media where people are posting there self congratulatory snapshots of how fucking amazing they are at disaster momming. And the news.
8. We're all in this together. We will all do better sometimes, and do worse at others.

Kia kaha.

I feel the same. I have just snapped at dc and now I feel awful

@Kittykat93 I went to the shop yestetday for bread and there was none. It was almost empty and I almost picked up a four pack of koppaberg despite being 8 and a half months pregnant and completely not a drinker.
I have never 'fancied a drink'- not even really on christmas. It's my thing. And I have even lost that. I feel so different
And to everyone saying 'realising' and 'being self aware' is proof im not an absolute crazy monster- it is guilt that made me post this. Not self awareness. Guilt.
In fact i think i might have even posted it to feel better about myself like i do care, and I want to change. I dont really- i want to sleep for a thousand years and wake up when its over. I can't even be bothered to get up to go to thw toilet right now never mind an exercise routine with the kids.

I might write a daily list/ routine later with dp. But honestly I will put it off and turn on the news and cry again instead. All while shouting 'cant you just play nicely for gods sake' over and over.

My six year old, after I apologised for acting so badly lately, just said 'i think you are probably the meanest person in this family'
It says it all really.

And your 8 and a half months pregnant?! That's kind of vital information. I'd be doing my nut at the kids without this particularly shit set of circumstances a time or two, just down to bloody hormones.

The old 'normal' won't be happening for a while so maybe make a new one.
Look at segmenting or timetabling your day to build in structure, schooling, fun activities with the kids and also even just few mins of self time. Time you can grab a cuppa for half an hour and either let your thoughts drift or as I do think of things to be thankful for right at that moment. No matter how small there are so many things to be thankful for, and feeling it every day for a few moments will grow and grow. I often stop for 5 breaths, long and slow and just think of one good thing for the few moments. Its something I learned in meditation years ago when stressed to the max and its something that for me really works. It puts positives into your mind and you tackle the next little while in a better frame of mind.

Oh op I didn't realise you were pregnant, sorry for the wine suggestion. You must be feeling absolutely shite. It's not surprising you're feeling anxious and losing your temper what's going on is just awful.