Anyone else realised they are a shit parent and wife?

[Desperateforadviceplease]

I thought I was an okay mum, but these last couple of weeks have shown me that I really am a nasty bitch. I am losing my shit over everything.
Can someone please give me tips on how to cope with the rising stress levels that come with whatever this mess is? I am not handling at well at all and my patience has disintergrated.

I don't want to be like some of the selfish evil parents other people are talking about, I don't want my kids to remember the CV pandemic as the time mommy turned into a monster but I have. I have turned into a horrible person to my wonderful partner and children and I really don't know how to go back to being a normal nice one.

The stress of not knowing if I can get essentials to eat, not knowing if dp will lose his contract or maybe even his job, not knowing if I will ever see my grandparents and elderly relatives again, and not knowing if my parents are going to be safe now that people in their 30s and 40s are ending up on ventilators fighting for fucking life, I cant stop crying. And i cant hide it from my kids. I cant stop shouting and arguing with their dad.

Has anyone stayed normal during this? How can I go back to being a dependable adult and a safe space for my children because I am freaking the fuck out and it is showing.
I can't even recognise myself and I only started taking notice of this CV thing less than 2 weeks ago.

Are your children fed, washed and in generally clean clothes? If so you’re more than good enough.

I was a bit of a twat for the last two days, I was nearly out of insulin and my pharmacy had none in, I’m also SI, so I was stressed. Not an excuse, but my son survived.

@Desperateforadviceplease you sound like me a few days ago. The reality of everything hit me hard in one go and I was a raging angry terrified mess and a horrible person to be around for a few days. Then the shock wore off, the fear isn’t as intense and I am back to normal.

It’ll pass, just let it out and after you calm down you’ll feel much more normal

I cried at lunch today, my DD is 13 months and has learned this scream/shout/angry noise that goes right through me and completely scrambles my brain, so I find it hard to do the one thing she wants me to do (make her some food in this instance). Having her at the childminder/working part time 3 days per week was a complete lifeline for me with my PND and so I'm struggling, especially with the uncertainty of when it'll all end AND no grandparents being able to come and help out AND no holiday (was booked in UK for May but doubt it'll happen), plus all the food uncertainty like you say. It's not normal to all be cooped up together and I think a lot of people are realising just how much they relied on little things to get them through the day that they now cannot do.

Sorry, I'm making it about me. What I want to say is this is fucking difficult with one, let alone three. Getting through each day deserves a medal IMHO. You cannot be all things to all people but right now we are expected to be and that expectation is just ridiculous. Oh yes just do a full day's work with 1+ crying children in the house! As if!

Massively lowering your expectations might help. All these videos of doing x/y/z with your kids and doing homeschooling is probably adding to the pressure for most. I'm VERY glad DD isn't school age because I'm not stupid but damned if I'd have a clue how to homeschool her with a week's notice!

I find it is good for me to verbalise how I'm feeling (maybe easier as DD doesn't understand right now), but just saying "I'm finding it very hard to make lunch whilst you are making that noise" sort of helps externalise things and gives me a bit of breathing space. Try and focus on what it is about the situation that's hard, rather than "I'm really shit" it's "This situation is really shit". When DD is quiet(er)/eating/napping I just try to regain my composure/zone out/take a deep breath/do something for myself. And apologise - if you feel you let them down just say sorry. To DH/DP, to kids, say "I'm sorry that I shouted before". Yes, ideally we'd never shout or swear or get annoyed and it sounds like most of the time you're doing really well. We're all just trying to figure this shit out.

Not sure I can be any help but I'm hear if you need an ear.

Stop watching the news, stop reading stuff on line about it, try doing some fun easy stuff with the kids, watch a funny film or draw some pictures. It is horrible, I think it is particularly hard for you being pregnant but dwelling on it isn't helping you.

@Desperateforadviceplease yesterday my nearly 7 year old screamed that he hated having me as a mum and he hoped I'd just get corona and die. My 5 yr old has been repeating it all day today., he thinks it's hilarious. (the flashpoint was his playstation being turned off and him saying "why we're not going anywhere")
I've cried and I've come so close to telling 5 yr old to Fuck off that I could feel the 'f' sound on my lips.

It's a really shitty feeling but you are not alone with it

I agree with @Faceicle, actual shit parents don't realise they are shit, they think they're amazing. The ability to self reflect
instantly means you are not shit.

www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/handling-anger

www.ahaparenting.com/blog/coping-with-fear-in-the-face-of-the-pandemic

You are in shock. It's a very difficult situation.

Be gentle with yourself. You need a bit of emergency self care.

Have a good cry, can you shut yourself up with your dh or facetime a good friend or call the Samaratins?

Then:

1. Stop reading news/social media. Just turn it off for now.
2. Get fresh air/daylight - sit by an open window if nothing else.
3. Breathe. Slow, deep breaths.
4. Ask for help.
5. You can get through this, and you can make it up to your kids.

• brilliant, nutbrownhare, I was just looking for some of Dr Markham's advice on this situation!

Oh dear, I'm sorry! I'm having a similar, though sightly more low-key word with myself about being grumpy with DH.

My two pennies for what they're worth:

• get the basics organised so they almost take care of themselves as much as possible:
• inventory food you've got and meal plan
• batch cook where you can
• cleaning schedule for daily, weekly, monthly etc.
• daily block schedule for activities for the children (Google "block scheduling")

If you're anything like me, just getting this in place will take a WHILE so don't beat yourself up as you chip away at it. It makes me feel much more calm as I get it slowly under control.

Second is try to see the opportunities and positives in this - any house jobs you never get round to could get done; daily organised exercise for the family all together once a day (in this beautiful weather); take the opportunity to properly schedule in video calls with family; have conscious date nights with your DH. Generally think about how you want to use this time to get as much it of it as possible. It's also going to be a freaking cheap time if you usually spend too much on eating or going out.

Third, figure out exactly what it is that's stressing you out so much in the immediate present and get creative about ways around it. Anything you can't control, like future job losses, all you can do is focus on saving as much as possible so you have a buffer and otherwise let it go - you can't know the future, you change it and you won't starve whatever happens.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling rubbish about the whole CV situation and feeling helpless about feeding the family etc its understandable. If I were you I would say stop watching the news coz there is nothing good here at the moment, you'll end up in a spiral of doom and gloom. Parenting is hard and there is no right way to do it as long as you're keeping kids safe and looking after yourself too because happy mummy = happy kids. Talk to your DP and share your concerns with him et him support you, it's ok to feel scared because frankly no one knows how things are going to end.

My ex has refused to see his son until this is all over “because he doesn’t think it’s worth the risk”. He’s basically run away because he’s scared and he cares more about his own safety than for the well being of his own son.

Sounds sensible to me. If your ex is not 100% isolated, it's a risk.

It probably doesn't help with all the 'wonderful' home schooling photo's and post on SM!!

I'm trying and failing to not be shouty mum, but hey we are all human.

We've been doing the Joe Wicks PE lesson followed by 5 minutes of mindfulness, it helps. I'm also having a glass of wine most night's (don't shoot me) and that helps.

Keep smiling and keep up contact via calls etc to friends its a wonderful tonic x

It is stressful but I think at times like this it’s helpful to define your role and take one day at a time.
I’m home this week and decorum tole is to make sure everything is tidy and clean so we have a nice environment and everyone is well fed with nutritious food so we can be in a fit state to cope. Not worrying about anything else. No point in stressing about things you can’t change. Let your DP take that worry while you do the other stuff or vice versa.

• decided my role

I used to be like that. And i felt horrible.

Yano what i used to do OP? And I still do now somtimes....... I pretend how i would react if someone was watching us..... makes me think twice about shouting and losing my shit

It’s a horrible situation for everyone so it’s good you’ve realised that you need to be less stressed.

My tips are -
Step away from the phone. All the messages, forwards, fake news is really overloading us. Switch off notifications for messages and just catch up at particular points in the day.
Sit with your kids for a bit when they’re doing stuff and force yourself to smile at them as much as you can. Hug them and play a couple of games a day with them.
Try not to worry about finances. You’ll get help if the worst happens. You won’t starve and you won’t be made homeless. Shops are open. Food banks are available. Hopefully it won’t come to that but if it does, you’ll sort stuff out later.
Watch some lighthearted stuff on tv.
Listen to music.
Go outside into the garden if you have one and play with a ball or something. Or go for a walk.

IMHO if the news is affecting you this badly, you need to turn the news off, or get off Facebook or mumsnet or stop whatever it is that is triggering you. Just follow public health guidelines and the likelihood is you and your family will be fine. Yes, it is sad that there is a crisis- but millions of people die in desperately sad conditions every year. You can’t function if you let it get to you, and getting sad doesn’t actually help.

I can only tell you what worked for me when I was a new mum and step-mum.
Pretend you are being filmed for a documentary.

Your tv show is going to train mums of the future.
Grit your teeth and count to five in your head, whilst holding a deep breath.
Say "woops" and "oh dear, never mind." "Did he darling? That sounds horrid."

Praise as much as you can, really lay it on thick. It feels really alien and un-natural at first.
The kids will look at you as if you are bonkers! But they will quickly compete to who can get the most praise. "What a big help you are to Mummy!" "I can see how lovely you are at sharing." "You sat down first when Mummy asked, how amazing are you?" "You put your plate in the sink without Mummy asking, you are such a good dc."
You can't shout or swear if you are holding your breath.
You can't cry if you are whistling.

You honestly need to stop watching the news OP. I wasn’t sleeping at all until the weekend and was having anxiety attacks and then I just stopped (also not going on the statistic/we’re all gonna die type threads on here) and I’m feeling so much better. We watched BJ’s speech, dh (who deals with things much better than me) is letting me know what he thinks I need to know and that’s it.

Tying yourself in knots looking at all the awful stories and numbers isn’t going to help you at the moment. You need to be staying as calm as possible for the sake of your unborn child x

My most helpful thing I have done is to stop constantly checking the news and not to read the majority of the virus related posts on here written by people who are panicking and know the same amount as me. I only watch the PM when we’re expecting an announcement and I let myself check the news once a day and DH and I are minimising how much we talk about it.
When I was pregnant I lost the ability to manage normal life stresses so I think I would be exactly the same as you in this current environment we’re living in.

Except for the prime minister's announcements, I'm just not thinking about it or giving covid-19 my energy. I figure, if this is as bad as they say it is, then this could be the last time I'm speaking to and spending time with some loved ones. Or that they spend time with me. Also, if it gets bad and someone I know and love is dying/ dead, then I want to save my grief and panic for then. No point in stressing about the devastation before it happens if I'm already doing what I should be doing (staying in, finding food, keeping the children entertained, paying the bills I can, asking for the financial assistance I need).

That's just my coping mechanism and keeping myself "normal. Not quite burying my head in the sand as I am taking necessary precautions, but basically not giving covid-19 more thought and time than absolutely necessary.

But I totally get why you are feeling the way you are. It's a completely scary and new situation.

Don't beat yourself up, few of us are our best selves at the worst of times.

I worked last night (mh hospital), at 6am coming home I just started crying out of nowhere, felt exhausted and overwhelmed. 3am I was in the grip of absolute fury and sending caustic emails about fairly minor shit. Yesterday evening before work I gave Dh the silent treatment over a comment he made and I kept it up til I got in this morning.

But this afternoon after some sleep and having read positive news about antibody tests and lovely posts on Facebook offering local help I feel much better and can make up for my shitty moods of last night and the early morning. I'm not going to hammer myself for not being on top of my game all the time. Be kind to yourself, op, none of us are perfect.

It is very hard. I recommend you take the highest dosis of Vitamin Complex that can be safely taken. And try not to catastrophise. Remember we really do not know what the future will bring and worrying about it is just destroying the present for you.

Ok. So what are you shouting about ? Try (hard!) to stop the reactive mode you've (understandably) slipped into.

If it's small stupid things start trying to count to 10 before reacting on the smalll stuff.

If it's bigger things take a deep breath, consciously take your voice down an octave or two , talk deliberately slowly. Be clear in your mind before you open your mouth as to a) what exactly is that you are upset about and b) what you need /want out of the conversation.

If you need to vent , step into the garden if you have one, or the loo if you don't and have a bit if a Sweary yell. Let it out. Compose yourself and come back into the room.

Think about once nice thing you can do with your kids in the morning and one in the afternoon. Schedule it in. Don't expect it to be perfect but take the time to just be together. A game of snap or hide and seek. Musical chairs. Something silly. Get the joy back.

I bet you love them and they love you so make time to show it.