Anyone else realised they are a shit parent and wife?

[Desperateforadviceplease]

I thought I was an okay mum, but these last couple of weeks have shown me that I really am a nasty bitch. I am losing my shit over everything.
Can someone please give me tips on how to cope with the rising stress levels that come with whatever this mess is? I am not handling at well at all and my patience has disintergrated.

I don't want to be like some of the selfish evil parents other people are talking about, I don't want my kids to remember the CV pandemic as the time mommy turned into a monster but I have. I have turned into a horrible person to my wonderful partner and children and I really don't know how to go back to being a normal nice one.

The stress of not knowing if I can get essentials to eat, not knowing if dp will lose his contract or maybe even his job, not knowing if I will ever see my grandparents and elderly relatives again, and not knowing if my parents are going to be safe now that people in their 30s and 40s are ending up on ventilators fighting for fucking life, I cant stop crying. And i cant hide it from my kids. I cant stop shouting and arguing with their dad.

Has anyone stayed normal during this? How can I go back to being a dependable adult and a safe space for my children because I am freaking the fuck out and it is showing.
I can't even recognise myself and I only started taking notice of this CV thing less than 2 weeks ago.

I'm fucking horrible at the moment. Stressed beyond belief. The two sets of daily school work is relentless and my phone never stops buzzing. I have to upload their work at the end of every day to prove they've done it. I'm also working from home at the same pace as I would need to in the office with daily deadlines. DH is also working at the same pace, again with daily deadlines. DC are only 6 and 8 so they cant really be left to get on with it. DH and I are also on daily 'Teams' calls.
I need to stop shouting. I need to calm down. I need to practice some meditation
It will pass but not bloody soon enough.

Since you’re heavily pregnant it would be weirder if you could cope with your fears calmly amidst all this, love.

Guilt comes from self-awareness BTW. The truly evil don’t feel it or easily dismiss it.

Where is your partner? You need to be looked after right now. You’re meant to be at home, not the one out looking for food.

We are all struggling so cut yourself some slack. My tip is to do small things that make you all happen, celebrate things we can be thankful for etc. So watch movies together, get the kids cooking with you, get them doing housework/gardening with you. Chuck out the normal rules and be a team. It's ok to worry but remember most people are absolutely fine if they catch it, even older people and the stars are skewed because we aren't testing most cases - think positively if you can I'm saying

Feelings are running high OP it's just me and the cat here now but I've already had a row with my adult son for sulking about something petty (he doesn't live at home) and told someone to fuck off because they were following me around the shop too close and trying to talk to me in my face over and over ignoring my warnings and this is so NOT the person I am.

A few tips that really helped me

Learn to recognise your anger signs and what is causing them... are you thinking 'OMG I can't deal with this shit!' 'Fuck, this is never going to end' 'why me' etc etc. Once you pinpoint the thought that makes you angry.... let it go, you can deal with this shit... you are dealing with this shit, this will end....... we just don't know when, it's not just you....kids the world over are doing the same thing to their parent right as we speak.

Now, learn to calm your self and breathe, when you are angry your body breathes faster, this puts you in to fight or flight mode... let the kids jump on each other for an extra 5 seconds or bicker a little longer while you take a few calm breaths

Now, deal with their behaviour and not your anger. Reacting in anger brings about more anger from them in return, dealing with it calmly will much more quickly get the response you want.

An escalated adult cannot deescalate a child xx

Thank you for your post, as a Mum to a 7 year old daughter with ADHD and a 3 year old who seems to be following the same path life can be pretty shit at the moment (and to be fair, most of the time ) and right now I need this reminder to calm myself down and just deal with my kids.

Like you I am struggling mentally with everything at the moment, the isolation alone has hit me harder than I could have imagined, throw two kids who can't be trusted if I turn my back for 2 minutes in to the mix and I have become extremely reactive. Time for me to remember how to parent properly and to remember why I do the above.

Thank you, all the best.

I have stopped watching the news - I will just often google the latest news and I have found that has helped massively!

Try not to stress about what might happen and just focus on the now - what can you do to make yourself feel better like something you couldn't do before like a Netflix binge in the middle of the day.
Remember we are all in this together so we will al get through this together.

Mine are ten but there are additional needs. After losing it on Friday as I couldn't deal with the rudeness etc I set up family rules which we agreed to and made posters for the walls. Each day is highly structured as I need to work and they need to know what's happening. Each dinner is discussed in the morning.
When I have my headphones on I'm working and cannot be distracted, dh has to monitor behaviour etc, but he's the only one able to get shopping.
Basically do what you can and what works for you.

Sounds like wank, but the main thing you need to do is reframe your thinking. The best thing you've said is: "I am failing them at the moment." None of how you're acting now is definitive of your deep character. You're not a "nasty bitch". You may have had your moments but that doesn't mean that the 'okay mum' was a facade and this 'nasty bitch is the truth now and for all time. You're adjusting to a new situation, and to be fair the old 'normal' wasn't a constant either, though it may look like that from here. You had good days and bad days and your behaviour evolved over time. Just because you've been thrust into a new and uncertain situation does not mean that you're suddenly revealed to be a failure. Any more than someone starting in a new job that they're untrained for is a failure. They're transitioning and learning and you know we only ever learn from failure, almost never from success. Doesn't mean you won't feel shit when you lose it or when your kids say things that hurt, but the good thing is the unconditional love that underlies it all. I bet your kids will forgive you before you forgive yourself.

So it's not so much a physical deep breath you need - although that will help as well - it's more of a mental deep breath to step back and reframe things beyond the moment. It's part of a bigger picture and there is no definitive judgment on your mothering. Practically deal with one thing at a time, but mentally give yourself the room to fail and keep on trucking.

You're not a shit parent of a shit wife. You're just struggling to cope with probably the hardest situation most of us have had to deal with in our lives.

Your children are resilient and let's be honest as long as you're not being cruel or abusive to them it won't do them any harm to realise that their needs won't always be pandered to immediately or that you are having to make sacrifices.

Be kind to yourself and take things a day at a time. None of us have much control over this situation and beating ourselves up won't make it any easier.

You are NOT a terrible parent you sound overwhelmed to me. Completely overwhelmed.

Call the dr and have a very frank discussion about how you are feeling and what they can do to help.

You don't need to be a super parent, just go and cuddle each and everyone of your children, and hold them tightly. Then call the GP. Get some proper support op. Your anxiety is going through the roof, and you may need some extra help right now, but thats fine. This is a massive crisis, you are allowed to ask for help, now please go and do that now.

Every parent is stressed at this situation, I'm trying to do just a few things each day, we planted seeds today, yesterday we did a couple of the worksheets from school and read loads of stories in my bed, you cant possibly be a mum and teacher, cleaner, chef, etc and be worrying about the situation, just plan a couple of things each day a picnic, reading, film night, play snakes and ladders or twists etc its all good for them, I'm also going to get the bunting out I used at their parties and have a party day, silly games and party food.

It's really hard. I'm in Spain and we can't even go out for a walk or anything. You need to just do the minimum you can to get by. Let things slide. Do what makes everyone feel calm. Try not to think about all the rest of it, because it serves no purpose. You just have to do what you need to to help yourself and everyone get through each moment. It will pass. We are on Day 12 here, it gets easier to bear as you get used to it.

Uncertainty makes me stressed and awful. I had the closest thing to a panic attack in.20 years the other week cos I was late for an.apt and couldn't find my keys. I just couldn't control it.

Feel better now I'm off work, my days are all the same and my world has shrunk.

It's shit, but at least I'm not walking into chaos everyday.

Children are very adaptable and forgiving. We've all had moments where we've snapped. Too much time together, loss of routine, no socialising, worry, uncertainty. It's a breeding ground for stress.

Can you go out on your own for a walk for 15 mins at any point in the day? This really helped me yesterday.

None of us are doing a perfect job in this shitty situation. Be kind to yourself.

I'm also going to get the bunting out I used at their parties and have a party day, silly games and party food.

That's a great idea! 🎉

I was like this very recently (surprisingly it was before all this CV shite) and it had a terrible effect on my DS. For me the stress was as a result of my mother dying and of coping with a child with ADHD and ASD who was seriously failing in school.

I know people will scoff but I had hypnosis which made a massive difference to my ability to keep calm even when anxious and stressed. I am so glad I did this (started in Jan) because as the CV stuff has ramped up, things have objectively got worse for our family but I am way calmer than I was in December and January

I am nowhere near perfect but it is manageable. For me it felt like something so deeply part of me, that the losing it was almost uncontrollable so calming my unconscious self seemed more likely to work than any rational CBT type therapy. I am still seeing my wonderful therapist/hypnotist every 2 weeks (by skype now) and it is definitely helping

I m aware it can be expensive though and there are some charlatans around so it is difficult to find a good practitioner

It's worth saying also that the ideal of a lovely, patient parent full of cuddles, crafts and so forth is a very, very recent creature that has only come about thanks to the relative luxury and convenience of modern life (for some). In the past, parents had very different standards for the level of emotional support and availability they had for their children simply because of the limits on their time, money and other external stresses.

Some of those stresses and limits are kicking in for us now and so it follows that we have to amend the standards we hold ourselves to - which were hard enough to live up to when things were normal! In other words, cut yourself A LOT of slack.

I feel like I used to spend a lot of time trying to impress upon the kids how lucky we were to have X,Y,Z and they never really got it. Well, now's their chance. Wouldn't wish this situation on anyone, but still think they'll learn way more from it than an annual NT pass and all the things we used to strive to educate them with.

Yeah, I am a shit parent and wife.

I always have been, though. It isn't a new thing.

You are not alone.
I’m here struggling with a six, four and a two year old plus an incarcerated depressed dog.
I have got some food in but I am finding it difficult to keep them all entertained and fed properly. They are fighting a lot and trashing the entire house and garden. I am shouting a fair bit and crying a lot. The washing is unreal and the picking up bits of Lego / DUPlo / Polly fucking pocket is soul destroying.

I bought Disney plus earlier in a moment of desperation which seems to have diffused the level of feral lunacy. For now.

Is it too early for a gin and tonic do we think 🤣😉

@Oakmaiden 🤣🤣

My six year old has just come up and put his arms round me and told me I am the best woman in the world 😁so I must be doing something right!!

@Tulipstulips I was thinking the exact same thing 😳🙈

No wait im seven and a half months. I have 6 weeks to go. My brain is so stretched i forgot you're only pregnant 9 months. I took it off ten.

I have a seriously disabled ds and a 6 yo. DH and I are both NHS front line workers. I can't have the help my mum usually gives me as she is nearly 70. Just get a grip. Getting angry and anxious is doing no good to anyone and it changes nothing. What will be will be, we'll all cope.

I'm not going to 'oh, hun, hugs and kisses, it will be fine'. You need to toughen up and cope. People lived through 5 years of war. This will end within a year.

@VideographybyLouBloom
I'm fucking horrible at the moment. Stressed beyond belief. The two sets of daily school work is relentless and my phone never stops buzzing. I have to upload their work at the end of every day to prove they've done it.

You what??
What do parents do who haven't got the facilities to do that?

Whilst I know children need some semblance of 'normal' and need to keep up with their schoolwork, some schools have gone completely over-the-top.

I would do what was within reason/my abilities/time available abd the rest they could shove.

What exactly can they do about it?

Thanks for the late pregnancy drip feed 🤷🏻‍♀️