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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex is trying to stop me moving with DS

95 replies

SarahDoll003 · 18/03/2020 16:17

Hi All,

I'm looking for advice or reassurance from anyone who has been in this situation.
I split with my DS's father 2.5 years ago. I still live local to the area currently, but an hour from my hometown. I'm looking to move back before my son gets too old (he's 4) and my new partner also resides there.
I've made DS's father aware of the plans and offered to discuss any changes to our current agreement. (made between us not court ordered)
He has refused and now will only discuss through mediation. This sounded OK to start with but will cost £900. To level with him I sent a letter and parenting agreement proposal. I outlined my thoughts on the how the changes could work, (Essentially every other weekend and half the holidays.) and offered his input to make any changes with a view of reaching an agreement.
He called me and was verbally abusive, basically saying he was doing mediation just as a means to take it to court, where he wants full custody.
My logical mind is saying how ludicrous that is, especially as his past behaviour has not been great. However my worried Mum mind wonders if he can manipulate the courts to agreeing with him...even if to a point of forcing me to stay.

Thanks xx

OP posts:

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 18/03/2020 16:19

Moving an hour away isn't great, will you be driving him to and from contact every other week or expecting him to organise it?

Zoecarter · 18/03/2020 16:21

What are the arrangements now?? Would you be happy having your son every other weekend and half the holidays. If would personally break my heart seeing my son that little.

Thatsabitwierd · 18/03/2020 16:26

Let him take you to court.. to be honest if my partner moved an hour away with our kids I wouldn't be happy either. Its not just maintaining contact, its unexpected things like school concerts, assemblies, shows etc. Not to mention if they were ill, broken arms etc. I would want to be less than an hour away! How active is he in their lives at present? But of course if you and your childs standard of living would be better then you must do what's right. Just be prepared to be the one doing all the driving back and forth etc.

MumandSon05 · 18/03/2020 16:28

He has him Wednesdays after school (overnight) and the same on Fridays, and returns him Saturday lunchtime currently.

InFiveMins · 18/03/2020 16:30

My friend wanted to do what you're planning on OP. It went to court and her ex "won". He wasn't seeking full custody, just wanted to stop her from moving which would reduce his contact with their child. She wasn't able to move. Their child was a bit older though so there were other factors for the court to consider like school and other family connections.

What are the contact arrangements at the moment? If by moving he would drastically lose a lot of contact with your DS then I can't see a court agreeing to it. If he will be having the same amount of contact and you are happy to do the picking up and dropping off he has a weaker argument, but then again what about his parents being able to see your DS and his other family members?

Also, I can't stand people threatening to get full custody. A court won't disrupt a child's life like that just because someone has thrown their dummy out. Unless there are concerns about you and your ability to look after your son, I really wouldn't worry about that threat!

Smithlets80 · 18/03/2020 16:31

I was in the same situation although we were moving slightly further away. My ex took me to court for full custody and ended up getting the same contact as you are offering (even though we had actually offered more). As long as you have plans in place, where you will live and have researched schools etc, the courts will take it in to consideration. Be prepared for court - make notes on current contact and try to stay calm as it got quite nasty in my case.

Thatsabitwierd · 18/03/2020 16:32

Also this does not give him the right to be abusive towards you whatsoever. He is allowed to be upset of course but if he cannot be civil contact should be through a 3rd party.

Thatsabitwierd · 18/03/2020 16:33

@MumandSon05 have u name changed?

InFiveMins · 18/03/2020 16:34

He has him Wednesdays after school (overnight) and the same on Fridays, and returns him Saturday lunchtime currently.

Honestly OP I can see why he has an issue with you moving away and changing the contact arrangements cos he won't get any time with your son after school. He might enjoy that side of being a parent. He also sees him weekly at the moment so every other weekend is quite a long time to wait between contact.

SharkAttack1972 · 18/03/2020 16:37

Can't you just move now before he takes u to court?

MumandSon05 · 18/03/2020 16:38

Yes! Sorry, I realised it was an old username just as I posted the first post.

Thanks for your replies. His abusive nature was common, even after our separation. My solicitor had to threaten to file a non-molestation order to stop his harassment last year.

I would argue that although there is longer period between him seeing DS, that having a full weekend with him provides more quality time.
He's always only ever had him half a day on a Saturday purely so he can be in the pub by the afternoon. Unfortunately.

Ellisandra · 18/03/2020 16:39

Is the full custody threat a knee jerk reaction?

Sometimes, after a divorce one person needs to move for family support.

Your sounds more like you just want to move to be with your boyfriend though.

Too damn right I’d be fighting back if I had my young child 2x a week (so nice regular contact) and close by so I could easily be on time for future things like school events - and my ex just TOLD me I’d be getting EOW now. You are taking the piss. “Made him aware of the plan”?

I expect a dripfeed now that it’s not just because you’re prioritising your desire to be with your boyfriend, over your son’s relationship with his father.

No offence to those who have EOW and maintain good relationships - it is fine. But it isn’t ideal for all - and I don’t see a reason here to change that is actually about the child.

MumandSon05 · 18/03/2020 16:39

@InFiveMins The time after school equates to two hours. He collects him from after school club after work, say 5pm, and his bedtime is 7pm.

MumandSon05 · 18/03/2020 16:43

@Ellisandra he currently doesn't attend any school meetings such as sports days or school plays. He didn't show to his last parent evening. This is while he is on the doorstep.
My decision to move back is partly to do with my new relationship yes, but I was considering it prior to that as to stay here throughout his full school years would be another twelve years.

MumandSon05 · 18/03/2020 16:44

For transparency, he currently refuses any extra time with him in the school holidays too.

Ponoka7 · 18/03/2020 16:49

So are you moving in with your BF? Because that's all too much, too soon for your child.

From my Grandchildren's pov, who have similar contact time, they would be devastated if their time with their Dad went to EOW.

ChazP · 18/03/2020 16:49

An hour away doesn’t sound unmanageable or unreasonable to me. Courts generally don’t impose restrictions on internal relocations, particularly if you can ensure that the child continues to have decent quality time with the non-resident parent. You would be expected to do your share of transport (eg if he picks up you go collect at the end).

MumandSon05 · 18/03/2020 16:52

@ChazP That's my suggestion ref travelling

1moreRep · 18/03/2020 16:52

yabu basically you are massively changing the current agreement, is this the best think for you child?

MumandSon05 · 18/03/2020 16:54

1moreRep DS is excited at the prospect. He's been kept fully aware of our plans. DS's father did try to sway him by saying he'll never see his side of the family again, which I felt wasn't necessary as it isn't truthful and it's playing with his emotions.

Purpleartichoke · 18/03/2020 16:55

I would take you to court too. His custody time should be increasing as your child gets older, not being restricted because you want to move away.

JemimaPuddleCat · 18/03/2020 16:55

So are you planning to move in with the new partner?

TheFormidableMrsC · 18/03/2020 16:56

It's funny how this is always a one way street. My ex took me to court for contact (having decided he didn't want contact in the first place), got it (quite rightly) and then announced he was moving a 7 hour drive away. Both my son and I have to just suck this up apparently. That'll be the end of his contact because it will be impossible going forward.

MumandSon05 · 18/03/2020 16:57

@JemimaPuddleCat Yes we are buying a property together.

MitziK · 18/03/2020 17:07

EOW Wednesday 3pm to 9am, plus Friday 3pm to Saturday 1pm is 18h + 22h = 40 hours

If it were to be changed to Friday 3pm to Sunday 5pm - or Monday 9am, it would mean he'd have 50 to 66 hours - that's a significant increase in contact, even with 2 hours travelling.

Why would increasing contact really be unreasonable?

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