Ex is trying to stop me moving with DS

[SarahDoll003]

Hi All,

I'm looking for advice or reassurance from anyone who has been in this situation.
I split with my DS's father 2.5 years ago. I still live local to the area currently, but an hour from my hometown. I'm looking to move back before my son gets too old (he's 4) and my new partner also resides there.
I've made DS's father aware of the plans and offered to discuss any changes to our current agreement. (made between us not court ordered)
He has refused and now will only discuss through mediation. This sounded OK to start with but will cost £900. To level with him I sent a letter and parenting agreement proposal. I outlined my thoughts on the how the changes could work, (Essentially every other weekend and half the holidays.) and offered his input to make any changes with a view of reaching an agreement.
He called me and was verbally abusive, basically saying he was doing mediation just as a means to take it to court, where he wants full custody.
My logical mind is saying how ludicrous that is, especially as his past behaviour has not been great. However my worried Mum mind wonders if he can manipulate the courts to agreeing with him...even if to a point of forcing me to stay.

Thanks xx

@Fantasiaa
I stand to correct you. It is very unlikely that if it went to court for full custody he would win. Especially if not even really having overnights atm.

To be granted an order prohibiting relocating given its 45-60 minutes again is very unlikely as the child isn't at school etc nor having reasonable shared care of the child in real terms.

However, the mother is likely to be expected to do the travel. Increase the number of overnights and increase numbers of holiday contacts etc. At an expedited rate than would have been otherwise.

I agree with what SoloMummy has written above, but again implore you to do this the proper way, as you stand a much higher chance of getting a hard time in court if you take matters into your own hands and waltz off without even trying to resolve it as co-parents.

Are you offering more contact? It sounds like he isnt really getting much?

Every other weekend is two entire days after school is just tea bath and bed 🤷‍♀️

Does ex have a scheduled pattern working in your town your relocating to? If so could he take him out for dinner 1/2 evenings a week? Or could he do an activity with ds like swimming one evening a week

Sorry if OP has already said, it's hard to follow when you NC half way through a thread...

But if you're moving OP you really should be doing the travelling. Are you planning on? Or are you expecting DS' dad to do it all?

If so could he take him out for dinner 1/2 evenings a week?

That sounds incredibly expensive just because mum's decided she wants to move away.

I guarantee that the cost of a dinner out for a 4 year old will not touch the sides of what an RP pays the other 26 or 28 days a month. Again, if the NRP has chosen jot k do 50/50 split then the cast majority of the care falls on the RP.. Why should they then have to assist the nrp with the tiny fraction they do do?

@HugeAckmansWife
The status quo is the precedent.
I think yabu in your assertion and inappropriate comparison.
If he was currently able to take his child to his home and feed etc, then that at best would be pennies maybe a pound or two in total.
Having to now pay for meals out - for two - at least twice a week--on top of the travel costs - imo mean that in many ways his maintenance should be reduced further! As has a direct result of the ops - for her lifestyle preferences - his contact is hindered, and his costs increased as well as the timings impacted.

Sadly in these scenarios, the the nrp often has less overnights so they get a double whammy of having to in effect pay twicein increased maintenance, etc.

Of course you can move, you can't expect to stay in the same town for 18 years to facilitate contact. However, you I have a responsibility to assure that visitation is facilitated. That means that you come to an agreement to the days your ex can see his ds and you do all the travelling.

Why should he even do half when you're the one making things harder for him? It's the price to pay to decide to move and it's fair.

In a few years time, maybe he will have got used to being an hour away from his ds and might be willing to be more accommodating and do some of the travelling, but ultimately, it is your responsibility to do. saying that, if he works in the same town, you have an option to work around this.

Hi everyone,
Sorry I've not been replying, I've been busy with work.
I did originally put that the driving would be split, however after your feedback I have revised that part, it is only fair that I undertake that. So thank you for your input.
In terms of any CM, I'm happy to keep that running as it is, I've no intention of changing it.
I've had plenty of advice today, some from people who have gone through it and some professional. I'm definitely doing this the right way...I won't be doing a midnight flit and dealing with the consequences later.
Thanks all :)

I am another one who sympathises with your ex and son. I think you need to think again and look at somewhere closer so that he can stay at his dad's in the week. Doesn't mean you can't move or move in with your new partner.

I have a family member who did a similar thing to what you are proposing and it was quite upsetting for their little boy, don't underestimate how much your son would miss his dad.

It looks like you'll have to let it play out in the courts. Have you had any legal advice yet?

Think a lot off ok are being unfair on the op.
Her ex has clearly caused dv issues and not attended their child's parents day etc.
Why on earth is the op not entitled to start a new life for herself?is she to spend the next twelve plus years in the same area to please her ex?someone who prefers Saturday afternoon in the pub to being with his dc?would you do it?
Op,start your new life and make the most of every day

I didn't see domestic violence issues. If that's true then I do think it's completely different so sorry if I missed that

apologies i seem to not have noticed your response

It's not just you doing the drives is it. It's your son as well. Hours and hours of his life sat in the car just to be able to have a relationship with his other parent. As he gets older, having to choose between parties/activities vs a relationship with his dad. Being pulled in two directions.

Sounds like you're putting your new relationship over what's best for your child. I think it's appalling that you've already told your son your plans. Dripping into his ear your point of view about how great things are going to be. He's 4, for gods sake. Leave him out of it until things are agreed with his father.

Maybe the boy should live with his dad and you see him every other weekend instead. Then think about all the reasons why you wouldn't want that and consider how they apply to your ex. I think it's incredibly selfish to move your son away unilaterally deciding for your son and his father how is going to be for the next 10 years. Ie. Very limited contact.

chew he has very limited contact now, at his choice. It sounds highly unlikely that he would want to be the main carer. As has been said many times, an hour is not a ridiculous distance. An hour in the car can be a great chance to chat, listen to audio cds, have quite focused one on one time with the parent. It's not child abuse.. Many kids travel that far to school in the morning and evening!

@ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal my ex used to live a few miles from us but had no car he would regularly take public transport which could take up to two hours each way because of connections. Walking it took about 40 minutes. The boys did it with me and survived.

Your hours and hours comment makes no sense at all, it took me 20 minutes to walk to school alone but an hourish if I walked with friends EVERY DAY. Not once did I think my life was deprived or unjust because of the time it takes to get to places.

Maybe the boy should live with his dad and you see him every other weekend instead

He doesn't want him any more then his time with him, that has been made clear in the thread, he would also still be getting put through the arduous hour each way journey to see his mum....maybe it's better if we all leave our newborns at the hospital to prevent them having to endure the journey home or any other journey for that matter?

Dad would travel an hour if he was an hour away from the pub without a second thought but this isn't a pub.
Some people are just shockingly lazy about travel, any journey longer then 20 minutes and you can instantly spot them - they're the ones convinced kids will suffer leg breaks, kidnapping, asthma attacks, life limiting depression and [shocked] the British weather because they have to travel for 42 minutes.
They're usually car drivers.

I haven't been in this situation myself (thankfully), but every family I know directly that's been involved in custody court cases has been in a situation like the OP's. Normally it's the father who has decided to fuck off to the other end of the country to be with a new girlfriend, but the principle is the same. There really is something to be said for making contact really easy for all involved.

An hour's journey isn't that long but it will mean that as your son grows up, his social life will be disrupted. One friend of mine in the same situation ended up never having a family holiday with her two children until they were 16+ because their father demanded that they spend their school holidays in Scotland with him, when they lived in central England. They missed out on countless birthday parties and other social events with both family and friends. Before he moved, their dad lived walking distance from them and they were allowed to visit him whenever they liked.