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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex is trying to stop me moving with DS

95 replies

SarahDoll003 · 18/03/2020 16:17

Hi All,

I'm looking for advice or reassurance from anyone who has been in this situation.
I split with my DS's father 2.5 years ago. I still live local to the area currently, but an hour from my hometown. I'm looking to move back before my son gets too old (he's 4) and my new partner also resides there.
I've made DS's father aware of the plans and offered to discuss any changes to our current agreement. (made between us not court ordered)
He has refused and now will only discuss through mediation. This sounded OK to start with but will cost £900. To level with him I sent a letter and parenting agreement proposal. I outlined my thoughts on the how the changes could work, (Essentially every other weekend and half the holidays.) and offered his input to make any changes with a view of reaching an agreement.
He called me and was verbally abusive, basically saying he was doing mediation just as a means to take it to court, where he wants full custody.
My logical mind is saying how ludicrous that is, especially as his past behaviour has not been great. However my worried Mum mind wonders if he can manipulate the courts to agreeing with him...even if to a point of forcing me to stay.

Thanks xx

OP posts:
ThatsNotMyMeerkat · 18/03/2020 20:47

This sounds very soon for you to be moving in with a new partner. Why isn’t he moving to you? If the answer is ‘because he doesn’t want to’ then that’s not ok.

user1473878824 · 18/03/2020 20:51

@Zoecarter But it won’t break his dad’s heart to see him every other weekend?

cstaff · 18/03/2020 21:33

An hour doesn't sound very far tbh. It's hardly the other end of the country. It would be nice for your son to spend a full weekend with his dad as opposed to a few hours here and there. Yanbu.

shinyredbus · 18/03/2020 21:52

I can see both sides. If i were your ex I would take you to court and and if I were you - I would argue that you’ve put plans Into place so not much is disrupted. I know someone who did this in family court - her ex manage to prevent her from moving.

changemynamechangemynamewhen · 18/03/2020 22:00

Your son is only 4 and you are planning on moving in with your new partner? It's a lot of upheaval in such a young child's life and I am failing to see how it's in his own best interest? Can you explain why you think it is? I would also try and block this move if I was your ex

glitterfarts · 18/03/2020 23:35

It's only 45-60 min away. Most people I know commute further than that to work. Every day.

I'd just move. And enrol into a local school. And then deal with the fall out.

If he won't have his child past Sat lunch so he can go to the pub and drink, he's hardly parent-of-the-year is he?

No court is going to make you move back from 45-60 min drive away.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/03/2020 23:48

Maybe he’s suggesting he gets residency so you can move to your boyfriend and your son can stay locally with his other parent and sees YOU every other weekend.

Why doesn’t your boyfriend move to where you are now? You’re the one with a child and that child has a right to a meaningful relationship with his father. He’s 4. Two weeks is an incredibly long time.

Mittens030869 · 19/03/2020 00:08

@AnneLovesGilbert That's what happened with my DSIs's DSS. His mum moved away with her new partner and DSS lives with his dad and visited his mum EOW; my DSis was his main carer as she was a SAHM with her own DC. But her DH was the resident parent anyway in that case, that isn't the case here.

FenellaVelour · 19/03/2020 00:25

Yet it's perfectly OK for my son's father to move 7 hours away and nobody bats an eyelid.

Courts can’t stop adults moving. They can, however, stop children from moving.

I'd just move. And enrol into a local school. And then deal with the fall out.

I really advise you not to do this. You can’t bank on the court not ordering you to return, and acting unilaterally like this will not paint you in a good light with the judge. Do things properly.

ButtonandPickle19 · 19/03/2020 03:45

Been here - sort of.
Basically you can move, he can’t stop you. But if you have a 50:50 split it’s not obvious who is the resident parent. Where is he registered as living for child benefit etc? If it’s yours then you could definitely have an argument for it being you.

If he has plenty of contact now, to go down to eow and half holidays would be shit, and you need to recognise that. Imagine not seeing your DS for 12 days! Dads have it rough but it is the only sensible thing to do.

I moved for a number of reasons - CAB basically told the ex that a court would tell him to move towns with me as I was resident parent and had better family support there etc.

But our visitation agreement was more than eow and holidays.

I did all the travel for 2 years then we reviewed. Now I do half.
He has eow and long weekends (think bank holidays)
He has half the school holidays
We call him every single day at least once so DD can talk to him
He dials in to all her parents evenings and school events
He gets the weekends around her birthday
He doesn’t do homework with her to protect his time with her (or she asks him to do it especially - think a project)
He gets a week at Xmas - eoy that includes the entirety of Xmas eve, Xmas day and Boxing Day.

He was awful and abusive even with all that but we’re now years down the line, their relationship is so strong (as they actually talk every day rather than tv grunts I get!), ours is strong as I’ve kept to my word and there are no dramas.

We moved over 2 hours away

MumandSon05 · 19/03/2020 07:02

Thanks @ButtonandandPickle19
I am the resident parent as far as DS spends most of his time with me. I do also receive the child benefit. I'm not sure what gives you the title of RP.
Your list of examples is great, thank you. Some of them are implemented in my proposal already but I can see that others would be a benefit too.
DS's father has stated that he works in my hometown almost daily, so my invitation for a midweek visit may be possible.
Thank you :)

lmcneil003 · 19/03/2020 07:14

Do not move.
You're denying your son easy access to his father. That's negligent parenting. Please see this through others' eyes.

ButtonandPickle19 · 19/03/2020 07:21

@MumandSon05
You’re welcome, it’s really hard and people might be getting at you but sometimes parents split up and an hour really isn’t that far, especially if he works there! He’s actually got a
Better chance of seeing school and hobby events then!

Yes you are RP then, it’s the address you give his school, his doctor, the benefits system and who has him most. No judge would stop you moving just an hour away, to be closer to family and to a place ex works.

Depending on your work you can go to mediation but it’s usually £90 per session, and you only pay if you earn over the threshold and that pay should be split between you. My DH did mediation with his ex two years ago so it shouldn’t be too different

HugeAckmansWife · 19/03/2020 07:22

It's an hour. That's not a lot at all for a parent who actually wants to be involved. I'd say seeing your son for a maximum of 2 nights a week, never doing extras, never coming to parents evenings etc is pretty negligent parenting. It doesn't sound like he'd step up and do sick days or inset days once the child is in school so it's not unreasonable that the op wants to go back to her home town. They split up a good while ago, the op is actually allowed a partner and there may be lots of reasons why he can't move to the current town. If it was currently a near 50/50 split is agree that contact would be too greatly affected but as a pp pointed out, in terms of complete time, the father would see more of the child eow than he does now and if he is actually arsed he can do what for many is standard commute and go one night a week for tea.

Sotiredofthislife · 19/03/2020 07:26

You're doing this for your convenience, not the needs of your child

Parents do tend to move house because of decisions made which suit the adult, not the child. That’s life. You are allowed to move on when a relationship breaks down and build a new life. We are not talking about a father here who is successfully co=parenting 50/50. Rather, he refuses additional time and isn’t turning up to parent’s evening.

Ultimately, the OP has to be able to manage many years of juggling schooling and work and if that is easier near family who will support and step in when necessary then so be it. The ex has already shown he can’t be relied on.

SoloMummy · 19/03/2020 07:33

@MumandSon05
I won't get into whether it's selfish or not.
I will however say, that if this is still a new relationship, going from separate lives to house buying with your son to boot sounds reckless to me.

With regards the contact.
I would advise that he can obviously have midweek contact as standard. Accepting that this may mean logistically at times he doesn't, but when location allows that's guaranteed.
I would also expect YOU to be making the journeys to drop and collect your son for the contact. That would be deemed reasonable in a court and given its you that benefits from the move, would seem appropriate moving forward.

Good luck.

HugeAckmansWife · 19/03/2020 08:13

I agree re possibly not rushing into buying property with the new man. With regards o the travelling though, this father does precious little parenting now. The move makes it a little less convenient for him to do that precious little so I don't really think it's equitable for the op to do 95% of all the parenting and all the travel.

TheBusDriver · 19/03/2020 09:07

I think if the resident parent wants to move 1hr a way from the Dad there should be a financial penalty for this for example child maintenance should be stopped if none RP does not agree with move.

This then gives the RP parent some serious thinking about the non rp role. Why should they get the benefit this should be about the child.

Onemorehitandillcrumble · 19/03/2020 09:52

It's only 45-60 min away. Most people I know commute further than that to work. Every day

But for the dad to pick him up and continue to have him over night on the Wednesday that makes it’s a 2 hour round trip Wednesday night, and hour to school in the morning for DS, an hour back for dad before he goes on to work because op wants to move. Wanting to move is fair enough, the change in contact and the difficulties (to DS & ex) if the same contact continues is not.

Dzundza · 19/03/2020 10:14

If he has a problem with it then why not switch it? You do the EOW and half of the holidays. Maybe he'll like it better to see his child every weekday.

TitianaTitsling · 19/03/2020 10:33

1moreRep DS is excited at the prospect. He's been kept fully aware of our plans. I'm willing to accept ABU but is he so excited because you've sold it as this big amazing thing? What if it doesn't go ahead, and when you say our plans is that yours and your son's or yours and DP?

curlsnotfrizz · 19/03/2020 10:41

will you be taking him to your ex to facilitate the current contact? If not, yabvu.

Why can your new partner not move in with you if it's so important.

I am 100% with your ex here sorry.

Bibidy · 19/03/2020 11:27

I'd suggest meeting halfway to hand DS over rather than either doing the full journey. That might be more palatable to his dad.

HugeAckmansWife · 19/03/2020 12:06

People move all the time for work and new relationships. We don't know of the circumstances of the OPs split..in my case ex left for ow. Should I be therefore forever nailed to a 10 mile radius of them? I quite like the idea that the op should offer residency to her ex.. Most likely he'd run a mile. If he doesn't do any extras outside of the set contact hours, never does an extra one if he misses a day, then he is clearly not done devoted, devastated dad being deprived of contact. He's just pissed that it will be less convenient. What he does barely constitutes parenting as it is.

Fantasiaa · 19/03/2020 12:34

If he went to court, he would “win”
If you are going to move, you need to be in agreement with the other parent. You can’t just decide to change the contact arrangement because you want to move. It’s not fair on your FV.