Ex is trying to stop me moving with DS

[SarahDoll003]

Hi All,

I'm looking for advice or reassurance from anyone who has been in this situation.
I split with my DS's father 2.5 years ago. I still live local to the area currently, but an hour from my hometown. I'm looking to move back before my son gets too old (he's 4) and my new partner also resides there.
I've made DS's father aware of the plans and offered to discuss any changes to our current agreement. (made between us not court ordered)
He has refused and now will only discuss through mediation. This sounded OK to start with but will cost £900. To level with him I sent a letter and parenting agreement proposal. I outlined my thoughts on the how the changes could work, (Essentially every other weekend and half the holidays.) and offered his input to make any changes with a view of reaching an agreement.
He called me and was verbally abusive, basically saying he was doing mediation just as a means to take it to court, where he wants full custody.
My logical mind is saying how ludicrous that is, especially as his past behaviour has not been great. However my worried Mum mind wonders if he can manipulate the courts to agreeing with him...even if to a point of forcing me to stay.

Thanks xx

OP- your ex is not in the wrong here, you are I'm sorry to say.
This happened to my DH, about 5 years ago, in the days before it was harder to move and courts sided with mum. He went from seeing the kids all the time, going to school events, helping out with childcare issues and having a great relationship- to them being tired of travelling, argues with ex about drop off and collections etc and essentially his relationship has really suffered through no fault of his own. I can't condone ranting at you on the phone, but you imagine only getting to see your child so infrequently.
Im afraid you chose to have a child with someone who does not live near your family and you got into a relationship with someone who lives and hour away- thats your doing not your ex's. is there no way you could move 30 mins away, that way it should not affect schools and you are close to your family when needed?

I also understand why he's upset. Are you going to be doing the dropping off/picking up?

@MitziK

He has him every week now, Wednesday 5pm Thursday 9am = 16 hrs, Friday 5pm til Saturday noon = 19 hrs total 35 hrs per week. To be changed to Friday 5pm to Sunday (5pm?) 48 hours EOW so 24 hours per week pro rata.
There is also the additional travel time of 4 hours EOW.

OP, you're out of order. You're doing this for your convenience, not the needs of your child. No wonder he's angry. I'd be livid.

OP, you're out of order. You're doing this for your convenience, not the needs of your child. No wonder he's angry. I'd be livid.

I'm sorry, I agree with this. That's not to say that your ex hasn't been out of order himself in the past, but that isn't relevant here. You're not doing this because he's been abusive in the past, you're doing this because you're moving in with your boyfriend.

is he filing for a prohibited steps order?

play fair here op.....going forwards you will even need his written permission to take your child abroad

There is absolutely no way I'd be happy only seeing my son EOW! Completely selfish of you. If you think EOW is ok, why don't you have him EOW?

From what you've said I think he's more put out that he'd have to give up an entire weekend every fortnight to care for his child if move goes ahead.

Why cant your bf move to be with you?

You have equal parental responsibility for your child even if he usually lives with you. That means you don’t get to make unilateral decisions. You’ve jumped the gun by buying a house and making plans when you should’ve consulted with your ex about what you wanted to do. Yes he can go to court to stop your child moving - that doesn’t mean the court will stop you, but you’ll have to demonstrate why a move is in his best interests.

You sound unfair to me

How far realistically is “an hour” away? Is this maximum journey time during rush hour or minimum journey time in light traffic? Is this for a round trip or just one way?

When I first met DH, he had recently moved to a neighbouring town to his ex. On a Sunday when dropping his kids back to their mum, when traffic was quiet? This took 30 minutes each way, round trip for us of 1 hour. (He had purposely moved to a house very close to the main motorway to his ex’s town, to make the journey times easier). But on a Friday evening in rush hour to go pick them up after work, the whole trip could end up being more than 2 hours in the car. We had them every weekend Friday night until Sunday evening. Because the move had been DH’s choice, he agreed to do all pick ups and drop offs. The cost in fuel was massive, especially as we also often had to drive one or other of the kids back to their home town on a Saturday to attend parties of school friends who lived near their mum’s, football practice near their school, other events in their local area.

I think if you want the move, you have to be prepared to be the one that does the running around to make it work. Therefore I’d consider if there is a compromise somewhere.... like a village halfway between that you could consider instead so that journey time is reduced, or a suburb of your preferred town that is on the side nearest your ex’s location or close to the best motorway exit.

I am surprised at some of the responses here. Yet it's perfectly OK for my son's father to move 7 hours away and nobody bats an eyelid...yet if that were reversed I'd be a terrible parent

@TheFormidableMrsC I've not seen anyone say it's okay for your childs father to move 7 hours away. We're talking about the OP and her situation, not your childs father

@WhenISnappedAndFarted Absolutely no need to be snippy and rude thanks. I didn't for a minute say that we were. In my extensive experience with the family court, it is unlikely a court would prevent a move an hour away. Indeed I've seen a court not stop a resident parent move with two children to Australia. If the OP's ex took her to court, the likelihood is that he would get the standard contact of EOW, midweek if that were workable and half the holidays. My point was that it appears to be a one way street and the NRP can do whatever the hell they like.

Thanks for all of your responses, they are appreciated.
Without the bigger picture or the additional contact I've proposed outside of EOW I'm sure it does come across harsh. Rightly or wrongly.
@ByStarlight we have in fact chosen a village that's on the side of where DS's father is, rather than across town, with the commute that's necessary in mind. It would take around 45 minutes realistically, even in rush hour. Straight onto the motorway and straight off at the other end.
This move has been on the agenda for almost a year, it's only now that I'm in a position to do do it.
@Bingeslayer you are right to read between the lines there. He gives little time other than what's in place. If he cancels a Friday it isn't swapped for the Saturday for example...he just doesn't see DS that weekend. No additional time spent/days off booked during school holidays. He doesn't attend school events.
Like I say the bigger picture paints a better description, as with all matters such as this.
Do keep your feedback coming. Has anyone else made a move? How did things work out for you?

You "made him aware" of your choice to move away?

YABU

@TheFormidableMrsC

I cannot see where anyone has been rude or snippy to you.

I think going from seeing you done twice a week to once a fortnight was bound to be an issue for your ex, especially as it seems like you have already made the decision.

I think you are being unfair.

Have you actually bought a house with your new partner???

My ex tried to stop me moving (Half an hour away) and took it to court. I had researched schools and stated why they would be better for my child, family support, etc. I also made it clear I wanted my children to have a relationship with dad and was fully supportive of that.
He wanted full custody.
It isn’t over yet but it has been Said that I am fine to move, move schools and he will not be getting full custody. It’s just a matter of what contact is suitable x

@LookCloser not yet. We have only decided on the area.
@ItStartedWithAKiss241 Thanks for the insight on your situation :)

I would argue that although there is longer period between him seeing DS, that having a full weekend with him provides more quality time

But you are wanting him to see his son twice a month instead of twice a week-is that correct? So still 2 nights but only twice a month whereas now he has him 2 nights a week every week?
From this
He has him Wednesdays after school (overnight) and the same on Fridays, and returns him Saturday lunchtime currently.
To this
every other weekend and half the holidays

Sorry but I’m not surprised he doesn’t agree & regardless of what you think of him DS would miss him equally.

It’s in your son’s interests to see his father, and seeing several times a week is better than 4 days a month.

Bloody hell. It's only an hour away. That's how far I used to drive to work every day. It is not a big deal. If he cared that much he'd see his kid more often while he's nearby. Why should your lives be held back in order to allow an abusive ex to be a lazy parent?

Wow to the angry posters. You don't have a 'right' to be the parent who isn't making a lot of effort but controlling your exes life because it's more 'convenient' not to have travel time eating into your pub time.

An hour is NOT a hike through the Andes, no matter how good your drama queen act.
OP I'd move beforehand