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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel humiliated by teacher

89 replies

Gillibean · 17/03/2020 20:16

My son is 8 years old, HF autism and severe ADHD - also can be a completely naughty 8 year old boy

Today teacher calls me up to speak about his behaviour - which was unacceptable. 50% was bad behaviour on his part 50% due to a situation that he was not in control of.

She proceeded to then bicker with him over what he had done and what he hadn’t done and wouldn’t let him speak. Eventually she listened understood partly was because he was being antagonised. (This doesn’t excuse the behaviour)

She then went on to tell him that his behaviour was making life difficult for everyone else in the class because she doesn’t have a TA to deal with him.

She said all of this whilst there were three other parents and their children (his classmates) stood next to me waiting to collect their children.

Now I’m not cross about her punishing my son he was naughty he deserves reprimand but to have him and myself berated like that in front of his peers and their parents was just humiliating for us both. She also knows as we spoke a month ago about my son having self harming/suicidal thoughts and depression because he knows he’s different and causes trouble but doesn’t mean to - she’s now gone and told him he makes everyone’s life harder!!!

AIBU to be so upset about this - I’ve cried all afternoon.

OP posts:
Sazquatch · 17/03/2020 20:19

I’m a Primary HT. Complain.

Original poster
Gillibean · 17/03/2020 20:30

I’ve just tried to be so open In dialogue with this teacher as I have with all his other teachers and I’ve never had behaviour like this in his previous classes. I’ve done everything they’ve suggested and more paying for therapies and counselling amongst other things.

I guess I just expect the HT will tell me he deserves the humiliation because he’s disrupting everyone.

I mean don’t get me wrong he’s in a whole heap of trouble for his behaviour today there’s no excusing it but I don’t expect public berating 😢

OP posts:
Reginabambina · 17/03/2020 20:42

YANBU at all. This isn’t an acceptable standard of behaviour from a teacher. I would make a complaint but I would also see if there was anyway you could access additional funding.

NewtonPulsifer · 17/03/2020 20:45

School governor here, complain. Flowers for you.

Original poster
Gillibean · 17/03/2020 20:45

The additional funding is a bit of a bone of contention. I keep asking for them to start EHCP assessments but they won’t as he’s not academically behind.

Also they can’t evidence he needs extra support as they don’t provide him any - all his sensory stuff in class like wobble cushion and ear defenders I’ve provided.

We haven’t even had a one plan meeting in nearly two years

OP posts:
Useruseruserusee · 17/03/2020 20:47

Is there normally a TA who is off?

Either way it’s unacceptable. She’s responsible for the progress and wellbeing of her whole class and it sounds like she doesn’t want to be responsible for your son. That’s not how the job works.

user1471468296 · 17/03/2020 20:48

You can start the EHCP process yourself. Perhaps ask on the SEN boards. Bear in mind, EHCPs are easier to get in some areas than others.

Onemorehitandillcrumble · 17/03/2020 20:49

just expect the HT will tell me he deserves the humiliation because he’s disrupting everyone

If the HT has that attitude find a new school. I will regret forever that I didn’t move my child to a more supportive place, I was stupidly trusting.

AIBU to be so upset about this - I’ve cried all afternoon
YANBU
That’s is awful. So sad for him.
Also if she’s stood there berating him all the goings on around him will mean he’s not taking it in fully plus, if she was doing a full on lecture, he would have forgotten loads of what she said anyway. He will just remember the horrible bit she’s made personal.

Original poster
Gillibean · 17/03/2020 20:50

No there is no TA full stop. Our local council is reducing numbers.

I do feel for her as he is one of 4 SEN children in her class and he can be an absolute git (I really am a hard arse he gets away with nothing - there is a reason for the behaviour but not an excuse)

OP posts:
TheHumanSatsuma · 17/03/2020 20:51

Retired primary Senco, complain

fruitypancake · 17/03/2020 20:58

I totally feel for you! We have been in exact situation. Her behaviour stinks and makes me so angry on your behalf. How anyone can be so lacking in basic emotional intelligence is beyond me, let alone a teacher. You should complain, ask that all future communication is private and out of earshot of your Son as well. Spell out the vulnerability of his mental health. P.s it is not naughty if he is not in control.. all beh. Is telling a story about how he feels inside. Thanks

wowbutter · 17/03/2020 21:05

She is a human being at the end of this. One who screwed up.
Yes she fucked up badly. But having all,those children all day, all the hysteria etc.
Can you try and speak to her tomorrow, see if she's calmed etc and then complain?
She messed up. But ... I've been there.
It's hard and sometimes you're so so angry it has to come out.

akerman · 17/03/2020 21:20

YANBU at all. IT sounds so hurtful. I'm really sorry this happened xxx

Original poster
Gillibean · 17/03/2020 21:27

It’s not the first time she’s been like this - 3 weeks into September term she asked if I’d consider medicating him for the ADHD - he’s been medicated for two years... it’s one of many many issues we’ve had most recently she was offended that when she told the class (erroneously) that only babies and old people are at risk from coronavirus that my son translated that in his head to “my baby brother is going to die from coronavirus”, he developed a nervous tick and was tapping (drove me mad as well so I get that) and she reprimanded him. When we got to the bottom of his worry and I spoke to her to let her know we’d sorted it she snapped at him “I never said your brother was going to die”. My poor son never said she did but that’s how his brain interpreted her words

OP posts:
Helmlover1 · 17/03/2020 21:27

She must have been aware other people were listening when she was talking to you so I think she did it purposefully to humiliate you, sorry OP. Definitely complain.

Soontobe60 · 17/03/2020 21:28

That's not good management on the teachers part. I'd make an appointment to see the teacher and Senco asap. Point out what has upset you about this. Then make arrangements for her to report to you in a different, more private manner.

Downton57 · 17/03/2020 21:28

You need to speak to HT as her behaviour wasn't acceptable. It sounds as if she is at the end of her tether and I'm not surprised as I don't know how anyone could cope with 4 SEN kids plus the rest of the class single-handed. So perhaps when you speak to HT mention that you feel she needs support with the class and perhaps they might like to step in occasionally. Otherwise I expect she'll be off soon with stress.

jollygoose · 17/03/2020 21:29

Yanbu I wonder if this is the right school for your ds. My dgs was often in trouble at school and a lot of the problem was he had become a victim other children didn`t want to play with him as he was difficult and he was difficult because he was always left out. Our dgs has only been at his new school 6 weeks or so and it has been the best move ever he has just fitted right in and magically no behaviour problems and he loves it.
Do not be afraid to make a fuss neither you or your ds deserve to be told off publically he is clearly not getting the support he needs.

RebeccaCloud9 · 17/03/2020 21:29

I'm not at all saying her behaviour is ok. But I imagine she is totally and utterly at the end of her tether. If he is that hard work, plus she has a range of other issues to deal with in class, no ta, she is human and humans have limits. On top of that, so many people are at the edge of their last nerve or seriously suffering from anxiety dealing with the current situation so maybe she was just pushed too far this time.

Louise91417 · 17/03/2020 21:30

Flowers i feel for you, i went through all this with my oldest ds. I used to dread the daily reports that usually took place at the school gatesBlush saying that i dont think i can remember a teacher giving a report in such a public and cruel manner, not helpful at all, i would be complaining very loudly..

Skittlesss · 17/03/2020 21:31

I’m only a trainee teacher, but I teach a lot of SEN kids. I would never humiliate any of them for any of their behaviours in school. How absolutely dreadful Sad

Original poster
Gillibean · 17/03/2020 21:31

@Downton57 I fully agree with you - it must be horrific for her and I think it’s only her 2nd or 3rd year qualified - she’s very young.

I have so much respect for teachers - it’s terribly underpaid and under respected as a profession - and I’ve tried so hard to be on her side telling her to send work home if he’s refused etc

OP posts:
LittleSweet · 17/03/2020 21:34

Ring the advisory service for the Equality Act. Your ds has what they call protected characteristics. They will be able to help you.

LittleSweet · 17/03/2020 21:35

You don't need to have an EHCP or formal diagnosis to be protected by the Equality Act.

Downton57 · 17/03/2020 21:36

Do go and see the HT. She's clearly not coping and it's not fair on your boy. Is it a double stream class- could he be moved?

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