To feel humiliated by teacher

[Gillibean]

My son is 8 years old, HF autism and severe ADHD - also can be a completely naughty 8 year old boy

Today teacher calls me up to speak about his behaviour - which was unacceptable. 50% was bad behaviour on his part 50% due to a situation that he was not in control of.

She proceeded to then bicker with him over what he had done and what he hadn’t done and wouldn’t let him speak. Eventually she listened understood partly was because he was being antagonised. (This doesn’t excuse the behaviour)

She then went on to tell him that his behaviour was making life difficult for everyone else in the class because she doesn’t have a TA to deal with him.

She said all of this whilst there were three other parents and their children (his classmates) stood next to me waiting to collect their children.

Now I’m not cross about her punishing my son he was naughty he deserves reprimand but to have him and myself berated like that in front of his peers and their parents was just humiliating for us both. She also knows as we spoke a month ago about my son having self harming/suicidal thoughts and depression because he knows he’s different and causes trouble but doesn’t mean to - she’s now gone and told him he makes everyone’s life harder!!!

AIBU to be so upset about this - I’ve cried all afternoon.

If the teacher is saying they can't meet his needs due the lack of a TA, then effectively she is saying he meets the criterion for an EHCP, which is that his needs can't be met within normal mainstream resources. It is irrelevant that he is keeping up academically: the Code of Practice makes it clear more than once that children may have SEN in other areas, e.g. communication, sensory, physical, anxiety, mental ill-health, etc.

Don't leave it to the school to start the EHCP process, do it yourself. Information about how to do that is on the IPSEA website. Also SOS SEN's booklet is useful - www.sossen.org/store/product_info.php?products_id=30&ceid=h3q40e90h9lba6ornqhioik59q

Should have been spoken about privately

@JudyCoolibar that’s really helpful thank you I will look at that and start myself

Apart from anything else that kind of petty arguing and reprimanding of a child, especially an autistic one, doesn’t work.
She needs to realise that what she is doing is damaging and pointless.
He needs kind but firm boundaries and lots of understanding and warmth.

@Downton57 sorry I don’t know what a double stream is.

I doubt they would move him as one class is his teacher from last year who whilst was flipping amazing and worked wonders with my son - unfortunately my son developed a bit of dependence on him that probably isn’t good for him in the long run to have such a security blanket and I don’t think the other year 4 class teacher would have him

Please complain. Formally. That should not have been handled that way for ANY child, but especially a SEN child who the school knows has been self harming and having suicidal thoughts.

Until you said she was young I was wondering if you had my DDs teacher. She is being assessed for ADHD, is mildly deaf and has anxiety problems. She isn't very naughty, but sometimes doesn't follow instructions properly because she hasn't heard them right normally. First interaction with the teacher and the teacher told me to sort it out. It hasn't gotten better and I've had to make at least three complaints about her saying things like that in front of other people. Last time I took a lot of print outs of the schools own policies and highlighted to SLT where she'd breached them in front of witnesses.

I have no issue with DD being reprimanded if she is being naughty, but they can never tell me what she's done that is naughty other than seemingly irritating the teacher by rocking in her seat - not back and forwards on the chair legs or wild enough to swing a seat, just mild swaying really. The SENCO has finally relented and given her something to fidget with under the desk to stop the complaints about her movement.

Unfortunately isolation now means we won't see for a while if this will improve.

After being told time and time again we would never get an EHCP we did it ourselves and before tribunal got 25 hours LSA support for our 8 year old. It can be done {flowers}

I think a move to the teacher who was good with him would have far more positive effects than negative. Why don't you ask the HT if it's a possibility?

Speak to the head. I'd be furious. I'm a safeguarding lead in a SEN school and her language is unacceptable to use around him/about him.

Think that you have had a good few posts that confirm that the right thing to do here is speak to the headteacher. Yes things are more than a bit fraught in schools at present but the teacher overstepped what was acceptable. Only by going to the headteacher and potentially making a formal complaint will the teacher recognise that her behaviour was not acceptable, no matter the circumstances.

Bloody hell.

That's totally unprofessional.

Is she usually this bad? Wondering if it was a complete out of character overreaction due to pressures teachers are feeling atm? (Not that that excuses it).

Can you start by approaching her tomorrow and telling her how she made you and your son feel?

I’m a teacher. The manner in which she is talking about your son, in front of him, and other parents, is not ok. I don’t normally suggest going straight over the teacher’s head to the headteacher but in this case I think you need to. To me, it’s sounds like she’s struggling and is on the defensive and will need support. If you talk to her her defences will go up and this may need to be broached by someone higher up the chain of command.

I’ve emailed the school, I’m not sending him in tomorrow to face more ridicule from her. I would rather home school him (which is something we had talked about) but he doesn’t want that.

I’ll wait and see what the HTs response is before I make any rash decisions but tonight I’ve again been told by him that his heart is sad and he doesn’t know why and I feels like it’s being swallowed up by a big black void. My poor boy

@Scubalubs87

Every single time she’s on the defensive, I feel like I can’t explain his behaviour too her as she just brushes it off as excusing poor behaviour (which isn’t true as I’ve no issue in pulling him up when I can see it’s just deliberately naughty)

I bet she is stressed out with four SEN children and no TA. Not your son’s fault but do you think this is the right place for him? You only have him and your other children to deal with. She has 30+ and unobtainable targets and pressure upon her.

YANBU. My DS is also HFA and at primary had a teacher who told me he spoiled her otherwise perfect class. (He wasn't naughty but visibly unhappy and she liked smiley children.) She bullied him. I have never forgotten or forgiven her. If I see her even today, years later, I get a flash of anger just at the sight of her. It never leaves you, that feeling that your child was in the care of someone who could have supported them but chose to humiliate them instead.

@TheMistressQuickly fully appreciate what you’re saying but what do you suggest I do with him?

Home education is an option we’re looking into but he actively doesn’t want to do that which means he actively won’t do it. And the law states he has to be in education. If I move to another school then I’m just putting the same pressure of my child on another teacher in the same situation.

He has been at his current school for three years and the first two he has flourished and Thrived, it’s only this year he has struggled and regressed in his behaviour.

I fully appreciate she is stressed, over worked and under appreciated and I’ve gone out of my way to support her with him

Talking with him and you in front of other parents is absolutely not on.
I'm a recently retired special needs teacher, and we would absolutely be reprimanded for not protecting children's and parent's right of confidentiality. Discussing his behaviour in such a way could lead to other parents gossiping and ganging up against him.

When the head teacher gets back in touch, I would absolutely stress the confidentiality part of it.
Also if that teacher can't manage him, then the head should not be insisting that he stay in that class. It's not good for either of them.

ellanwood that is an outrageous thing for the teacher to say! Some of the things said to parents on MN horrify me.
JulieCoolibar is spot on. All schools have an SEND allocation and your son is entitled to support (primary HT speaking) His learning is not the issue but his wider needs are. Sometimes a school needs to provide support to show it's needed. We would usually submit a costed individual education plan to demonstrate this when making an EHCP submission. You need to ask to speak to the school's SENCO about how the school meets the neefs of children with SEND, and express how unhappy you are with the tone of the teacher and her limited understanding of the needs and characteristics of children with ASD generally and your son in particular.

Needs! Sausage fingers!

Speak to the head and the teacher at the same time . Her behaviour was not acceptable but then neither was your sons . What can she do when he is disrupting the class ? Does he have a quiet area he can go to for time out if he feels overwhelmed ? How does he respond to punishments at school and at home ? I’m sorry you’re going through this but it doesn’t t sound like a mainstream school is a good fit for your child . Home education could be the answer .

The other parents are probably on it insisting the school show they are ‘dealing with it’.
Still not an acceptable way to to show that they are but I would bet my bottom dollar that’s part of the reason.

Buttered - most schools have an allocation of hours with an Ed psych. The waiting list is huge. You can’t just jump the queue.
Not every school has additional support outside the classroom .

I imagine there have been complains from other parents about your child’s disruptive behaviour . It’s not pleasant but it happens .