To feel humiliated by teacher

[Gillibean]

My son is 8 years old, HF autism and severe ADHD - also can be a completely naughty 8 year old boy

Today teacher calls me up to speak about his behaviour - which was unacceptable. 50% was bad behaviour on his part 50% due to a situation that he was not in control of.

She proceeded to then bicker with him over what he had done and what he hadn’t done and wouldn’t let him speak. Eventually she listened understood partly was because he was being antagonised. (This doesn’t excuse the behaviour)

She then went on to tell him that his behaviour was making life difficult for everyone else in the class because she doesn’t have a TA to deal with him.

She said all of this whilst there were three other parents and their children (his classmates) stood next to me waiting to collect their children.

Now I’m not cross about her punishing my son he was naughty he deserves reprimand but to have him and myself berated like that in front of his peers and their parents was just humiliating for us both. She also knows as we spoke a month ago about my son having self harming/suicidal thoughts and depression because he knows he’s different and causes trouble but doesn’t mean to - she’s now gone and told him he makes everyone’s life harder!!!

AIBU to be so upset about this - I’ve cried all afternoon.

You’re saying all the right words but somehow I don’t think you have the full grasp of his behaviour and you are not as tough on discipline as you say you are - and you keep minimising the issues.

Being tough on discipline is not the appropriate strategy for children with autism. Often behaviours connected with autism result from major stress and anxiety, which in turn results from failure to meet the needs of the children in question, especially in relation to communication and sensory difficulties. Punishing a child with autism for behaviour resulting from this is like punishing a physically disabled child for failing to stand up.

@Hamsterian with respect you have no idea how hard I am on him, I’m far harder on his behaviour than I should be if I’m being honest. I have a full grasp of his behaviour I’m not a parent to make out their child is an angel.

@mctagmcbag not really sure I follow your point - I did say I was aware she she hasn’t told him his brother was going to die, unfortunately autism causes his brain to think literally and that’s his translation of it.

I feel for the teacher. You have only your one to deal with. She has 30 others with who knows any additional needs. One person cannot cope with that. She is being failed by the school without any TA or support.
It is easy to say complain and vilify her but she is the one dealing with this.

@TiredMum10 I have also said this, she has an impossible task with the class as a whole. She has been failed by the school which is why I’ve tried to be as supportive of her as I can

Hi Gillibean,
I’m only saying because you seem very conflicted which is only normal which may be clouding your judgement. For example, you now just said you’re harder on him than you should be. So deep down you don’t think he needs to be disciplined. Also the fact you let him decide he doesn’t want to be homeschooled.
With regards to behaviour, I’m sorry I didn’t explain well, but as we know children behave differently at home and at school, in group and on their own. You wouldn’t see how he behaves in class - even if you did go in one day to watch, the behaviour could be different with him knowing you’re there watching.
It’s an awful situation to be in. Maybe if the school closes for a while due to Corona,it could be a trial for you to homeschool him? And show him he doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

I was berated at primary school in front of my whole class by a teacher who should have been retired years before. She was suffering from early dementia. Whilst not wanting to sound dramatic, it's still something that I'm angry about.

I feel for you. Hardly anyone gets through our education system without having at least one teacher they don't respond to well. I think if it were me I would speak to the head about the teacher belittling him in public and refuse to get involved in conversations when others are around.

Cunt...Bitch...really ? She's a young inexperienced teacher, trying to manage and teach a class that includes four kids with SEN without any support. Yes she handled the situation badly and so did the OP, who could have should have shut the conversation down.

I feel very sorry for the teacher.

Perhaps your DS would benefit from home schooling?
He sounds terribly unhappy at school.

• from the start - even if your dc had no disabilities but was acting up it is bad practice to talk about him or his behaviour in front of other parents - she should ask to have a private word. I would contact NAS or at least read round their website & forums to get some advise on how to handle school (to make formal complaint about her behaviour) & the teacher herself - from your description she has no understanding about the issues of social understanding that is major issue for people within the spectrum - his behaviour suggests that he may need help/statement/EHCP -

2 questions: is it an academy? & how old is the teacher? (this is not an ageist comment - many older teachers don't "believe" in ASD & have had no formal training in the symptoms & diagnosis - I remember doing a presentation at uni & some of the comments I heard where rather unpleasant (& this included ADHD) regarding their view on "increase" & "bad parenting"- some

Nothing to add but just wanted to say you sound like you're doing you're very best. Remember you are awesome and keep advocating for your son.

My sons teacher at his previous school was horrendous to my son.

I took my complaint to the chief of education.

She better hope she never ever bumps into me.

Complain to the headteacher first and advise them you're taking it further.

Yes teachers have bad days but that's no excuse for how she handled the situation at all.

Some teachers really shouldn't be in the job. It's all very well to say it's hard work and stressful but they have chosen to go in to that role.
Most teachers have zero understanding of special needs and will lie to parents to try and make children sound worse than they are.
I really think this school isn't right for your son. I'm withdrawing my daughter from school until September because my daughter's school have failed her at every turn (she is HFA) and destroyed her confidence. So I'll be working on building up her confidence and looking for a school that can actually support her. Would that be an option for you?

LorenzoStDubois Wed 18-Mar-20 11:32:18
I feel very sorry for the teacher.

Perhaps your DS would benefit from home schooling?
He sounds terribly unhappy at school.
.......
I'm not without sympathy for the young teacher, she was wrong to do a public humiliation but everyone makes mistakes. Hopefully, that is not a mistake she will make again. It wasn't a hanging offence though in the op's place I'd have been livid.

It surprised me actually because schools seem to be generally more 'child friendly' than they were in past years. I remember at my school there was a disgrace bench - yes, honestly - and being shown up publicly was the norm. Horrific and scarring.

The op will work out with her son what is the best course of action for him.