To feel humiliated by teacher

[Gillibean]

My son is 8 years old, HF autism and severe ADHD - also can be a completely naughty 8 year old boy

Today teacher calls me up to speak about his behaviour - which was unacceptable. 50% was bad behaviour on his part 50% due to a situation that he was not in control of.

She proceeded to then bicker with him over what he had done and what he hadn’t done and wouldn’t let him speak. Eventually she listened understood partly was because he was being antagonised. (This doesn’t excuse the behaviour)

She then went on to tell him that his behaviour was making life difficult for everyone else in the class because she doesn’t have a TA to deal with him.

She said all of this whilst there were three other parents and their children (his classmates) stood next to me waiting to collect their children.

Now I’m not cross about her punishing my son he was naughty he deserves reprimand but to have him and myself berated like that in front of his peers and their parents was just humiliating for us both. She also knows as we spoke a month ago about my son having self harming/suicidal thoughts and depression because he knows he’s different and causes trouble but doesn’t mean to - she’s now gone and told him he makes everyone’s life harder!!!

AIBU to be so upset about this - I’ve cried all afternoon.

She hasn't handled it very well. Id go back and ask for a private meeting without ds. I hate having any chats with teachers with dc their ( all mine have sen) as tends to be counterproductive and demoralising for the child.

Brings to mind a memory of a teacher not knowing one of my dc very well and she tried to reprimand him in front of another parent, their child and myself. Of course dc had sensory overload and rolled around the floor the whole time - utter disaster - I went home and cried while dc was in their room 'thinking'. She actually a lovely teacher but got that situation totally wrong.

Try and have a sit down with her and get across strategies that work with ds. Could last years teacher give some pointers?

Does your sons meds need reviewed? I found iv had to increase dosage over the years with eldest ds (age 11) as they can stop being effective.

You need to make a formal parental request for echp

Check out
www.ipsea.org.uk/making-a-request-for-an-ehc-needs-assessment
www.autism.org.uk/about/in-education/extra-help-in-school/england/ehc-assessment.aspx

Sounds like a cunt complain

Do you punish him for misbehaving in school ? He does have to learn to accept some responsibility for his actions .

Sounds like it was quite upsetting for both of you

However, playing devil's advocate here a bit...

She then went on to tell him that his behaviour was making life difficult for everyone else in the class because she doesn’t have a TA to deal with him.

I frequently point out the effect of a child's behaviour on others, and it's a helpful thing to do as part of a restorative approach. It's always the behaviour I refer to, rather than the child (e.g. "Jonny, when you shout out across the class to your friends that disrupts everyone and makes it harder for them to learn/concentrate"), and it sounds like perhaps this is what she was doing.

Perhaps in the presence of others wasn't the place to be doing that, but if she was referring to behaviours he can control, that sounds reasonable to me. Saying "Jonny, you always make life difficult for everyone!" is different to "Jonny, when you do it makes it difficult for the class to ". Obviously only for what he can control- telling him, for example, that uncontrollable ticks make life difficult for everyone else would be unreasonable and unfair on him. Pointing out to him that naughty behaviours impact on others isn't unreasonable though.

It sounds like maybe it wasn't very delicately handled, or do you think on reflection perhaps you/your little boy got the wrong end of the stick? I know when I misinterpret something and mull over it sometimes I build it up to something worse in my head. Absolutely not trying to minimise if she was out of line and unprofessional (I don't really understand what you mean in the third paragraph) but just wondering whether maybe it wasn't as completely out of line as it initially sounds.

Don't expect anything to happen over the next 6 months...schools will be closed v soon.

What an ignorant bitch.
Complain.

You're not unreasonable but why didn't you interrupt her and say, "Now is not the time nor place, this should be dealt with privately", or words to that effect, and lead your son out.

Nobody should ever be reprimanded in front of others and for the teacher that was the height of unprofessionalism. Yes we know they are all stressed and stretched but no excuse.

If the country was not in crisis at the moment I would say, "Complain", but that wouldn't be fair right now. Don't let it happen again though, your son needs to know you are strong and have his back, he doesn't want a parent who is intimidated by a teacher.

This teacher sounds like a person who should not be near any kids at all.She has no empathy or understanding.
OP i hope you do complain no child should be publicly humiliated

Wow, you have a retired primary head, ex senco and school governor telling you to complain. I hope this makes you feel better.

It doesn't matter if other parents have complained about his behaviour or not. The teacher still should have dealt with it in private.
Yes I would complain. Obviously the teacher is stressed and it's a bit bad that she has 4 SEN children without a TA but that is not your fault or your son's fault.
Are,there any other local schools if he doesn't want to be home schooled?

What an ignorant bitch.

The irony.

This doesn’t sound good. Sounds like she’s let down her professional guard and is responding quite personally to his behaviour - that doesn’t bode well.

Teachers are generally incredible, but once in a blue moon, there will be a real mismatch and a really dysfunctional dynamic that won’t really help your son at all. I’d love to say it doesn’t happen but teachers are human.

She’s been massively overstepping boundaries, both professionally and ‘common decency’.

She shouldn’t have said those things to you in the first place and definitely not in earshot of other parents. Basically this could not only make your son feel even more bad about himself but it could also sound like a free pass for other parents to tell their DC to stay away from your DC and possibly even tolerable that they’d bully him. The teacher should be there for ALL the children but she let your poor boy down and that is unacceptable.

Please stand up for him and complain. It’s 100% unacceptable what she did, your DC deserves to feel safe in the classroom.

@PurpleTigerLove I’ve said frequently and repeatedly in this thread that my son is punished for his behaviour and that I have never let the fact he has autism be an excuse for it. As far as I am concerned he has to learn to be a functioning member of society.

Thank you everyone for your support. I doubt there have been complaints about my son from the other parents in question considering one of their children set fire to part of the classroom and another has been telling the girls kill themselves. But I do accept that parents have every right to complain about him.

I have absolutely no qualms in him being punished for his behaviour but I don’t expect it in front of other parents. I suppose I was just so thrown at the time

Perhaps she was just at the end of her tether with him. I'd be extremely annoyed if his "50% bad behaviour" was disrupting my other pupils education as well. I know he doesn't want home schooling but I'm sure the other kids don't want their education being disrupted constantly. Perhaps home schooling for now may be a good idea or speak to the head teacher in regards to either extra assistance or a more suitable school for his needs.

I do however appreciate how difficult it must be for you.

Another option to consider is Outreach teaching. I am not sure if your borough as that in place, but worth researching. It’s a wonderful resource if your DS is eligible. (Teacher is funded to visit at home for certain number of hours per week to supervise at home learning.)

So just to clarify he’s not disruptive 100% of the day, he is also not disruptive to other children particularly it’s mainly self sabotage refusing to work- which still isn’t ok. When he is disruptive It’s 50/50 on whether it’s a behaviour he can control

This is a very difficult situation.
You’re saying all the right words but somehow I don’t think you have the full grasp of his behaviour and you are not as tough on discipline as you say you are - and you keep minimising the issues.
The main problem is the self-harming and suicidal thoughts at the age of eight. Only for that I would homeschool him or find a specialist school.

These are tough times. Especially for children who need calm and stable environments. I have a DS with HFA of the same age who is showing increased anxiety through hair chewing, constant tummy ache (10+ days now) and a return to melting down at home. He is also in a class with zero support (even though he could do with it for dyslexia and dyspraxia alone) and his teacher does feel stretched thin. Fortunately they are a calm and pleasant combination of personalities so DS can keep masking through a school day.

The teacher needs to talk to you in appropriate, private environments.
She needs to separate the behaviours from the child (especially for a child with SNs where this type of behaviour is so often a subconcious emotional release) She needs to look for solutions and adaptions, not go on theaputic rants. (I've been on the teacher side of it too).

You can start the EHCP process yourself. I'm at this point.

On balance, you sound very much at the mercy of the teacher you get for the year and no other support at this school. If your child is stressed, his behaviours will escalate. This may well be a shortened school year if you'd rather ride it out and have a better teacher ahead. The teacher's behaviour is worth a complaint.

Complain. Use the schools SEN information report as reference. Ask for a costed Individual plan to detail how school is meeting his communication and interaction needs, social, emotional and mental needs and sensory needs. Query how if these needs are met, could his academic progress be even better? Schools fund the first £6000 of SEND support. Apply for an EHC Needs Assessment.

You are doing your best, your son deserves a decent education without anxiety causing problems like this.

Self sabotage and refusing to work is disruptive because the teacher has to take time away from other students to deal with it.

The teacher sounds inexperienced and stressed. Add the anxiety around coronavirus and she's probably at the end of her tether.

You sound supportive of the school generally which is good. The teacher doesn't sound very supportive of you however. Some of the strategies you have at home might be unworkable in a classroom. Definitely apply for the EHCP yourself.

Do not let them push you into home educating. It's illegal and known as if rolling. If the teacher is struggling without a TA this something the HT needs to address. And I would keep pushing for an assessment for an EHCP as his needs are not being met/supported currently as per his class teacher and as evidenced by his behaviour regression. Contact SENDIASS for support.

she snapped at him “I never said your brother was going to die”

I would imagine she has a different account of affairs, I'm surprised you didn't mention she let out an evil cackle.

Buttered - most schools have an allocation of hours with an Ed psych. The waiting list is huge

Irrelevant,@PurpleTigerLove, as Buttered wasn't talking about an Ed Psych, and an EP report is not a prerequisite for applying for an EHCP.