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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a career and to be a fully involved mum?

125 replies

PSCMUM · 08/09/2007 22:24

i want to work and take my children to school every day, and pick them up on day a week, and be able to go to the odd assembly and school trip. This would mean working 10am-6pm 4 days a week and 10am-2pm and 7pm-10pm on the other day, so i'd do the same amount of work i do now, well i do more than that now, and would continue to, as i bring work home. but i woudl like to do that, and still get the big cases at work, and still have a chance at reaching the top of my game.
Am i wanting too much? Shoudl i just accept the Mummy track until they are all older and I can work the long slavish hours the Uk holds so dear?

OP posts:
BecauseImWorthIt · 08/09/2007 22:26

Sorry - and sadly - but the way that work is structured and what other people expect means that you will not be able to achieve this.

The only way you can reasonably hope to do things so that it works for you is to set up on your own.

oregonianabroad · 08/09/2007 22:29

My experience has been thus (I am a lecturer): I now do the same amount of work for half the money and in half the time at work -- the rest I squeeze in at night, on the weekends, whenever.
I always feel torn. And I get so PISSED OFF when I watch my male colleagues messing about on the internet when I am frantically trying to get things done. But I am mostly happy with the arrangement.

imperiumfreak · 08/09/2007 22:29

yanbu....... but it is (ime), sadly, near impossible

Original poster
PSCMUM · 08/09/2007 22:30

THe only thing that keeps me hanging on, is that my mum did it all. She had 5 children, and a hugely successful career, she never missed an assembly, either her or my dad were always at home with us if we were sick - they just had a really bullsih approach to their employers, and alwyas chose jobs with flexibility, but she did it, and she continues to be a real high flyer. It is with an increasing sense of rubbishness that I'm realising I am not able to manage the same. OR am I?! I keep thinking - if I just find the right firm...etc...

OP posts:
oregonianabroad · 08/09/2007 22:30

BTW, I have also passed on a number of opportunities (research, conferences) that I would have loved to have taken.

WaynettaVonSlob · 08/09/2007 22:34

Working and parentintg aren't natutally exclusive...unfotunately the ptacticalities look different. IMO you have a very good option fot a WOHM.
oh, and it may be a small thing, but trust me, it's worth it...it's I

Original poster
PSCMUM · 08/09/2007 22:37

yes, so have I. I have already had to, not explicitly refuse, but just kind of make sure I'm not available when international cases come in, those which might need to travel out of the country, as the childcare arrangement sin our house are so complicated already, that for me to not be here over night and for a morning would just be too much!I don't mind that, I know that spending time with my children is more important to me than those cases, but what I mean is the perception from others - my bosses, (one of whom called me into her office after i'd received a call from DS school saying he was sick and could i collect him, to say that this really was not acceptable, and she knows i have kids, but i really need a plan B) so understanding.
Another one told me that she would understand my 'religiously' leaving the office at 5pm each day if my child was disabled and I needed to get back to his carer, but not just to get home and see them after a school day, that is just run of the mill, and should not be treated with such urgency.

I do leave at 5pm bang on every day. Why the fuck shouldn't I? I'be alwyas got a bag full of files and I am literally without fail alwyas the first one in in the mornings.

OP posts:
cat64 · 08/09/2007 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
PSCMUM · 08/09/2007 22:39

the working from home has not been agreed yet by the way - i posted on this a while ago, I asked my boss, and she reacted v badly, and told me i had to go thru personnel, and I havent had the guts to do anything more about it. but then I feel so crap nbecasue my children are more important than my job and I should be brave enough to just ask for what I want!

OP posts:
oregonianabroad · 08/09/2007 22:43

I hate that feeling of clock-watching!
Luckily my boss is fab and very supportive and understanding; that is the only way that it all works.

oregonianabroad · 08/09/2007 22:45

what about a new place?

Monkeytrousers · 08/09/2007 22:47

Yep, no such thing as having it all.

BecauseImWorthIt · 08/09/2007 22:48

But PCSMUM, you are still an employee. Your children are more important to you but not to your employers.

Not saying this is right, but that's what happens.

You can't have it on your terms because you do have to deal with others/different situations. If your children mean that you can't be there/undertake specific cases/tasks, then you aren't doing your job properly.

Sorry if this is harsh, but it's true!

Monkeytrousers · 08/09/2007 22:48

Do part time for a while is my advice

Original poster
PSCMUM · 08/09/2007 22:50

yes, i'm seriously thinking about it. THing is, that i;ve worked there for 3 years now, and so I've built up a good work record - ood results, hapy clients etc, even though some of the bosses are still complete wankers about my leaving at 5pm etc, and so now i feel in the position to ask for more flexibility, but am being cowardly, but if I went to work in a new place - its not really goingt to happen if i arrive and then 5 mins later start asking for lots of flexibility before proving myself - how inarticulate i am this evening!

OP posts:
Monkeytrousers · 08/09/2007 22:51

Your boss sounds like a nob BTW - no kids herself? Life is too short to work for such arseholes.

Monkeytrousers · 08/09/2007 22:53

do you work in a university? I'm pretty sure you have the right to ask for job share. You need to know your rights, so some research

Original poster
PSCMUM · 08/09/2007 22:53

no, becasue I'm worth it, I am not asking for anything that means i am less able to do my job - honestly, i wouldn't ask for this. I am simply asking to not be physically present in my office all the time, but that doesn't mean i'm not on my mobile and my Blackberry, and it also doesn;t mean I do less work. THe kind of work I do - plenty of people do it from home, but just not in my firm. If I wanted to do less work, I'd go part time. But I couldn't afford that anyway, so thats kind of a side issue!

maybe i should accept the career slowlane, but keep my handin so to speak, until the kids are older, and then i can go for it when they are difficult teenagers?!

OP posts:
Monkeytrousers · 08/09/2007 22:55

Sorry I got you mixed up with oregonianabroad - for what it's worth, there is no harm in you shopping around. There are jobs with flexitime, more so now than ever.

Original poster
PSCMUM · 08/09/2007 22:55

no, i'm a lawyer. I'm not entitled to ask for a job share. I'm entitled to ask for flexible work arrangements, but my employer is not compelled to say yes. but even that, even the asking can cause problems - as it did for me the other day, when boss who had just given me glowing appraisal turned into witch from hell after I asked, and didn't speak to me for rest of day!
Yes, naturally, none of my bosses who are women have kids. The men bosses have kids, but they also have wives, and so naturally, they do not give childcare a second thought"!

OP posts:
Monkeytrousers · 08/09/2007 22:56

What do you mean career slowlane?

Monkeytrousers · 08/09/2007 22:58

shop around

Original poster
PSCMUM · 08/09/2007 22:58

career slow lane - i mean being passed over for big cases, for promotions, and being generally regarded as not as important / effective as my peers.

OP posts:
PeachesMcLean · 08/09/2007 23:00

Are other firms like that? Do you know other working mothers elsewhere you can ask about their conditions? It's very difficult to have it all but a request for flexible working should be responded to in a fair and rational manner, if you ask me.

PeachesMcLean · 08/09/2007 23:01

specifically I mean other working mothers who are lawyers, not other professions. So you can get a reasonable comparison...