Unannounced visitors

[Winemammy]

Is it rude or not? My dad in particular often show up unannounced and it infuriates me. It’s usually about twice a week. Before now he’s turned up when both DC are down for a nap and I’ve snook off for a shower. He knew we was in so he alternated from banging the bay window and front door for so long that he got the dog barking and woke both children up🙄. I think he assumes that because im a SAHM I’m just skinning around all day yet he always manages to catch me right in the middle of my jobs. I’ve tried asking him to at least call first but he just won’t. Has anyone else had this? How did you handle it? Or am I being unreasonable in finding this behaviour rude🤷🏽‍♀️

*sitting around all day

What do you mean he won't? Be firm with him, say that his loud banging is waking up his grandchildren and next time he calls round unannounced he will not be allowed in.

Can't say I'd get too worked up if mum or dad just popped round, just get him to drop you a text message next time asking if you're about for a brew

No you are not being unreasonable at all.

Some people believe that as they operate an open door policy that everyone must do the same.

My MIL has form for doing this. It's taken words from DH, texts from DH and a very sharp text from me for her to get the message. It then took a further couple of times of her turning up on my maternity leave and me just not answering the door to her for her to get the message.

Sometimes I'll just stay in pjs if I've had a rough night with the baby and I'm doing some cleaning so I'm not open to guests turning up unannounced.

Keep going on at him not to just turn up and to not bang on the windows any more, he'll get the message eventually.

@nickname302 I have tried telling him a few times he just doesn’t listen. On the few occasions he has phoned to see if he can come if I say no for whatever reason he turns up anyway🤦🏽‍♀️ There’s definitely issues with boundaries.

if I say no for whatever reason he turns up anyway

That's ridiculous! I don't have any advice then unfortunately, as I can't believe that someone would act like that.

I hate people that do this!!!!!!!!!! Just text or call and check it’s convenient

I loathe unannounced visitors. I also have two signs on my door about cold callers which have been ignored twice (though I doubt they'd do it again!) My friends and family always text in advance and it just wouldn't occur to me to turn up at anybody's house without warning.

Answer the door but don't allow him in, tell him he needs to phone first. Keep doing that and he'll soon get the message.

Be absolutely rude when he comes and make it known. And when he asks why tell him why. People like that need to be told very bluntly otherwise they act too thick to get it.

@alwaystiredzz exactly this. His home is very open mainly in-laws. I think his MIL, B&SIL have keys for his house. I think he’s happy with this but I can’t think of anything worse.
I also stay in pjs some days especially on Saturday/Sunday morning we like to lounge around and have family time. Mornings are a target area for my dad, there’s been more than one occasion when he’s waited at the door for me and DP to get dressed after an impromptu visit.

Dropping in unannounced on family is not rude in itself if that’s normal for his generation or culture.

BUT if you have been asked to text ahead and don’t then that IS rude. As is banging on your doors and windows.

I would give him a weekly slot that suits you. Eg lunch / coffee / tea on a Tuesday.

When people don’t LISTEN to your requests (text ahead) YOU need to go into consequences and ACTIONS. So don’t answer the door - text him in response to his banging.

Stop allowing him in OP.
It's extremely rude.
You have asked nicely.

If he continues to gain entry, he'll continue coming.

Being respectful of one another is a huge part of being part of a happy family.

His preference to see you any time he likes, does NOT trump your need for courtesy.

Be firm and don't allow him in.
If he chooses to get upset that is his choice.

I would tell him that if he doesn't clear it with you first, you will not be allowing him in.

Give him notice first.

He chooses to continue to be disrespectful, he has to accept the consequences.

But it's just your Dad

Sounds like he is escaping his ILs by coming to yours.

Mornings are a target area for my dad, there’s been more than one occasion when he’s waited at the door for me and DP to get dressed after an impromptu visit.

Noooooooo!

YOU need to stop this.

Why not invite him round at your convenience - get him to help with bath-time or take DCs for a walk with you..... who’s needs is he meeting???? V selfish.

Why are you rushing around getting dressed when he turns up? This is just encouraging it! If he turns up unannounced, he takes you as you are.

@nickname302 absolutely it’s happened more than once to. He just tents to do the ‘i was just driving past and thought I’d see if your free’ routine. Erm no dad I did say that on the phone. He just doesn’t like been told no I guess.
@n00bMaster69 I’ve tried this he caught me in the front garden once with the kids an the dog heading for a walk, he asked if he could pop in just for 5 minutes. I told him no I’m going out so he offered to come back in an hour🤯
@TiredMum10 this is the next on my list to try!

Someone else mentioned booking him in for a time - I would do that.

I try to placate my MIL by saying come up at x time on Wednesday so she feels invited and welcome rather than me feeling like I'm telling her off by asking her to respect my personal space.

I would add if it was my own mum I wouldn't mind because, well it's my own mum. And I'd stick her on baby duty whilst I got jobs done.

Just go to the window and signal to him not now, I’m busy, kids are sleeping or whatever. Hopefully if you do this a couple of times he’ll realise it’s a wasted journey and start ringing ahead.

@Gutterton my partner likes this idea and it has been suggested to my dad but he prefers to just ‘stop by’. I’ve tried the polite ways of dealing with him and it just doesn’t get me anywhere.
@billy1966 he’s been turned away a few times when he’s caught me on the way out or if DC are sleeping, he’s also turned up when I’ve been in the shower twice so he got ignored then. He doesn’t take to hints.

@alwaystiredzz ive have tried inviting him around but it’s never convenient for him. I don’t think he understands that visits need to be convenient for us both🤦🏽‍♀️ He likes visits to be when he wants them, I’d much rather him come afternoons but he likes mornings.
I’m the same with my mam too but the relationship is very different I could also put her on granny duty and continue to potter around doing my jobs my dad however isn’t that great with the children.

@BettyIsMyFavouriteSquirrel this is a good idea I’ll maybe try this!

The thing about unexpected visitors is that you don't have to accommodate. If you can't get rid of him, do not stop doing whatever you're doing. "Hi Dad, I was just doing the washing up" Then keep doing it. If you drop everything to entertain him, then he's not going to change his approach. I know that I sometimes seem rude if people are popping round like this but I'm afraid, if I need to get the kitchen cleaned/ cook dinner/ whatever, I'm going to keep doing it even if someone is there.

Is your Mum still around OP?

If she is would asking her to speak to your Dad help?
I know he should be listening to you but for whatever reason he isn't and thought maybe getting your Mum onside(if she's available)might help drive the message home and what about your DP has he ever spoken to your Dad about it?

It sounds like your Father is still really treating you like a child and of course you'll always be his child but he needs to understand that there is a huge difference between you being his child and still being an actual child.

Maybe having that conversation about treating you as an adult and a person in your own right,a difficult conversation to have I know but everything you've done so far doesn't seem to be working.

I detest uninvited guests too. OH's friend 'dropped in' once in the heat of summer. I had a, loose, elasticated skirt fashioned into a very short dress with no bra or underwear on underneath!!! I sat on the sofa, and didnt move an inch till he'd gone .

Esp as you have told your dad to call beforehand, its unreasonable. yes, it your dad, but doesnt mean he just call in ALL the time. You need your space too. My OH would be livid, as I'm sure you mentioned your frustrations to him too. Only you can change this, and as others have said either set 1 date and time for a catch up (maybe in park or elsewhere?), don't let him in, maybe write a letter on how it makes you feel and you too need space.

I'm a bit confused. Does your dad still have parent-in-laws too? Just because he is happy with random visitors, doesnt mean you are.

I wish my dad was still around to knock on my door again. Just ask him to text first as the babies are sleeping