Unannounced visitors

[Winemammy]

Is it rude or not? My dad in particular often show up unannounced and it infuriates me. It’s usually about twice a week. Before now he’s turned up when both DC are down for a nap and I’ve snook off for a shower. He knew we was in so he alternated from banging the bay window and front door for so long that he got the dog barking and woke both children up🙄. I think he assumes that because im a SAHM I’m just skinning around all day yet he always manages to catch me right in the middle of my jobs. I’ve tried asking him to at least call first but he just won’t. Has anyone else had this? How did you handle it? Or am I being unreasonable in finding this behaviour rude🤷🏽‍♀️

Whats he like in general OP?
Is he likely to get angry?
Does this make you anxious?
Do you feel the need to please him?
Or tolerate him?

Does he expect you to drop what you are doing, make him tea, sit down, listen and entertain him?

Just ask him to text first as the babies are sleeping

She has done.

Repeatedly.

He bangs on the door and windows.
He has woken up the babies and annoyed the dog.
He hangs about until she is up and dressed at weekends.

He ignores her repeatedly.

He is disrespectful.

Actions speak louder than words.

@BlingLoving I have somewhat done this, answered the door with a basket full of washing. I was on my way up stairs. He still asked if he could come in.
@ohtheholidays yes mothers still around they aren’t together tho. She’s had to have discussions about other things my dads done to piss me off in the past and he only really hears what he wants to hear unfortunately. I don’t think it’s as much he doesn’t see me as an adult because he didn’t meet me until I was 16 he’s never known me as a child. It’s more that I’m a SAHM so I’m assuming he thinks I’m just lounging around all day. LOL
@Elouera my OH gets really pissed off with it especially when he turns up on a Saturday/Sunday morning when we’re all in pjs slobbing around🤦🏽‍♀️ Yes his wife’s family have an open door policy, they all have keys to the house and will just turn up whenever. Their a bit full on.
He once hinted that he’d like key for my house that got shut down very quickly!

So be rude.

"Just because you couldnt be arsed to know me as a child doesn't give you the right to try and make that time up with my child"

This is super controlling. He'll only visit you on HIS terms and then demands you make time for him. This 'door-stepping' is to make sure he has the upper hand all the time.
Yet when you suggest a time to him or invite him at a time, he can't make that. It's just so controlling.
Lay down the law with him. Keep doing it over and over.
You owe him nothing. Parents do not own their children. Tell him NOT to call before a certain time and then give him two times a week - Tuesday at 3 and then Friday at 2 and he can stay for an hour - take it or leave it.

I have somewhat done this, answered the door with a basket full of washing. I was on my way up stairs. He still asked if he could come in.

My point is that you let him come in. But don't stop what you're doing. So he can come in, but you're going upstairs to hang up the washing. Or whatever. And if he calls you on it, you say, "I need to get this done. I didn't know you were coming over and don't have time to drop everything. YOu're welcome to help/amke yourself a tea/keep me company while I'm doing it/whatever"

You need to prioritise your OH and your little family over your v rude DF. I expect his own wife has shooed him out the door?

Weekend mornings are v precious family bonding time. It’s when the rush of the week’s routine is put aside. Your OH must be furious that he works all week and this bore comes crashing in polluting this time. Afternoons are different, shopping other commitments etc. Mornings are private and intimate.

You need to protect this time and space. Don’t let him take it from you.

Mumsnet suggested process for visiting someone: -

Six to 12 months before anticipated date of arrival: write a letter requesting permission

One to six months: Follow up first letter with email confirmation

One to four weeks: Whatsapp/text/messenger following up letter and email

One to six days: Phone call confirming visit is still acceptable

On the day: Text/phone again whilst standing outside just to be on the safe side. Once confirmation is given, CAUTIOUSLY ring the doorbell. Still expect to be met with outrage.

NB: Never, I repeat NEVER, try the above if a) there is a new baby in the house or b) you're the mother-in-law. In both cases, accept that you're never welcome.

@Gutterton he’s quite difficult because he wasn’t present at my childhood were very different as people practically nothing in common. He doesn’t get angry he just doesn’t listen he’s very forceful and can be quite awkward, he likes his own way.
He’s controlling. Example, he’s asked to watch DC on his own a few times I’m not comfortable with this at all. He asked if he could come on a morning where I had an appointment I told him no I’m going out, he asked who was watching the children. I told him OH grandmother was watching them (were 24&26 so grandparents are still young ish) he asked if he could watch them too. I said no mainly for DGM sake she’s only met him a handful of times. The morning came and he turned up anyway right as I was leaving.
If you say no to him he forces his way in, he’s a very difficult man in my opinion. I definitely tolerate him.

@seaweed42 you’ve got him to a T! I think I might have put it across to him like this, give him his slot and if he can’t make it tough. He’ll probably still find an accuse to turn up at his own convenience tho. My streets a big one way loop so you exit onto the same road you entered yet he is often just driving past and stops in. Where he’s driving I really don’t know🤷🏽‍♀️

@Gutterton I’m very protective of our family time, youngest is a great sleeper and rarely wakes before OH leaves for work so Saturday/Sunday is the only time we get to be together in the morning. Dad usually comes Saturday morning my OH goes mad.

I don’t think your dad realises how annoying it is op. I totally totally get your pain though. Mil is the same. She would always turn up in the evening as we were settling the kids for bed. Once Dd was asleep and she knocked on the door and woke her. Fuming. Even in the day time it frustrates me. She as offended when I mentioned it. She doesn’t seem
To
Mind people just turning up as they please. She has learnt to ring or text now though.

I can’t deal with unannounced visitors, I just can’t. I wouldn’t turn anyone anyway but it makes me anxiety and most likely my blood pressure to through the roof. I like to be prepared.

I am also a stay at home mom. I think people think we do absolutely nothing.

I don’t stop most days.

Have a casual chat with him. saying nap time
Is important and ask if he could
Just drop you a text before he comes over.

I think
It’s great your dad wants to visit but just a little courtesy would be appreciated.

I would hate this too.
He is disrespectful.
I think you should refuse to answer the door until he learns to be more considerate.
He will get frustrated the first time it happens and probably wake the neighbourhood (never mind the kids!) but just turn on some really loud music and wait for the storm to pass.
Then later politely text/phone to say it wasn't convenient so please can he communicate next time, as requested.
Good luck

I dont know, im pretty laid back with these things. People (family and friends) seem to come and go here without announcing it. I do it too
But if someone told me it bothers them, i would definitely stop. And i only do it with people who do the same.

@GA2012 it makes me anxious too it really drives me mad. I’ve told him about nap schedules before when he turns up and he doing get it at all. My eldest goes to gymnastics at 1pm so nap has to be before because after would be a ‘danger’ nap he still turns up in the morning asking her to show him her moves while I’m trying to settle her for a nap.

He's your dad !!!

For God's sake - he's your dad!!!

I’m very protective of our family time, youngest is a great sleeper and rarely wakes before OH leaves for work so Saturday/Sunday is the only time we get to be together in the morning. Dad usually comes Saturday morning my OH goes mad.

If this was a MIL thread your DH would be told he had a OH problem - ie YOU.

Don’t let this domineering man mess with your RS.

You need to be blunt and final.

Send him one final text to say that he is welcome to visit only on x days at x times - but only if he texts ahead and if he turns at any other time you will not be letting him in.

Then when he ignores - just don’t answer the door. No doubt he will then phone. Don’t answer. Just cut and paste the original text.

It sounds extreme - but you need to take extreme and blunt measures with difficult people like this.

Prioritise your OH. It’s really not fair on him even if you can tolerate it.

I wonder if he skips out of his house when the ILs drop in to visit.

He's your dad !!! For God's sake - he's your dad!!!

So? Does that give him the right to keep turning up and pushing his way in where he isn't wanted? To wake the sleeping children? To piss off the OH?

I must have missed that memo.

@Winemammy

Of course YANBU. I HATE people calling unannounced. In fact, apart from the (adult) DC, I aren't keen on anyone visiting at all truth be known.

I would NEVER go to anyone's house without advance warning and making sure it's OK; not even our kids. They have very busy lives; professional careers, lots of friends, and several hobbies each, so don't get much free time as it is. I wouldn't DREAM of swinging by 2-3 times a week, and expecting them to entertain me for hours.

I feel some 30+ years ago, it seemed the 'norm' to just drop by unannounced (and in some communities it still is,) but for many people, it's rude and annoying. People who do this are just assuming that you have nothing else to do, and if you HAVE, you will just drop it to entertain them!

Moreover, people these days have much busier, more hectic lives than they did pre 1990s.

It's a cultural thing. In UK culture it is considered rude generally to arrive unannounced. At the minimum a text at least ten minutes before would be the bare minimum.

In other cultures there are different expectations.

If he won't listen get your OH to turn him away.

And both stop letting him in. He can't barge past you if you don't open the door wide enough

@Gutterton I’m going to try this I think he definitely needs it putting to him bluntly because he’s not hearing what I’ve said so far. OHs put up with it fir long enough now I’d be fuming if his mother was doing this. In regards to my dads ILs I don’t think he’s bothered his house is just a free for all, his wife’s family walk in and out when they please, some of her friends do to.
@Shinycat I don’t mind him visiting I just wish he’d ask first and if I say no actually listen, he’s the only one that does it. ILs always call or text and so does my mam and relatives.
@nanny0gg OH has spoken to him already, suggested he has a specific day/time he comes that’s convenient for both of us but he doesn’t want to he likes doing it on his terms.

Hi Dad we were just talking about you ,,its been all of 10 hours since you were last here..What do you want now?
Hi dad do you want to move in here?Only you spend so much time here it seems daft you going home..
If all else fails embarrass him

No. Now you have to be equally rude when he turns up

Jesus Christ, I despair at most of your attitudes. Ffs, let him in, give him a cup of tea. If you don’t have time then yes, tell him so (great to see you dad but can’t stay long, have shit to do). But holy fuck, I would hate for you lot to be a child of mine!

I can’t even begin to get my head around how unwelcoming you all are. Fortunately my children are nicer than you lot ...

If you turned up unexpectedly several times a week and woke up my babies I'd hate you to be my parent!