Unannounced visitors

[Winemammy]

Is it rude or not? My dad in particular often show up unannounced and it infuriates me. It’s usually about twice a week. Before now he’s turned up when both DC are down for a nap and I’ve snook off for a shower. He knew we was in so he alternated from banging the bay window and front door for so long that he got the dog barking and woke both children up🙄. I think he assumes that because im a SAHM I’m just skinning around all day yet he always manages to catch me right in the middle of my jobs. I’ve tried asking him to at least call first but he just won’t. Has anyone else had this? How did you handle it? Or am I being unreasonable in finding this behaviour rude🤷🏽‍♀️

Your father "forces" his wsy into your home.

He's someone you tolerste.

He is controlling.

He doesn't like to be told No.

He sounds like a right bully.

Is he someone you actually want in your life.....he turned up 16 years after you were born?

Has he added to your life in the past 8 years?

He clearly doesn't give a damn about what you want.

Decide exactly what you do want.

Exactly how much contact you want with him going forward.....on your terms.

Do not be bullied.

Spell it out for him.

Tell him he is no longer welcome in your home until he decides to respect your wishes....

AwesomeSauce4 OP's dad is turning up when he wants, expecting to be entertained. He's not giving a shit whether it's convenient for OP, he's waking the DC, and riding roughshod over the boundaries.

For most families that have an open door policy, they respect each other, and also are able to understand it might not be convenient without getting upset. This isn't the same at all.

You're not unreasonable at all.

Now is the time for you to help your dad break the habit; tell him you are not receiving visitors for fear of contamination. Blimey, he should know it's particular out of order at the moment anyway.

@billy1966 he’s very difficult to be around yes. He has helped me financially since being back in my life. But I’ve come to realise the things he’s done for me financially are mainly just so he has a hold on me.
@Lynda07 I have worried about how he’d respond to us self isolating I don’t even think that would keep him away. When my youngest was born he had flu like symptoms so I asked him to stay away and he barely managed it then he’d ring and ask if he could come for 5 minutes or ask if he could bring my grandma, this was so I’d feel bad saying no. The thing is we’re probably all going to have to isolate soon so this will be an excuse I can use. I don’t want to go no contact I just want him to be more considerate with his visits.

I can’t even begin to get my head around how unwelcoming you all are. Fortunately my children are nicer than you lot ...

As you are clearly someone who thinks that turning up and banging on the door/window to wake sleeping grandchildren or barging your way in on a Saturday when your child is having some downtime with their partner despite being told no is an acceptable thing to do then your children must have the patience of saints. Is that really how you would want to be?

For those of you who think that she is an ungrateful child, did you not read the bit where she said he didn't even come into her life until she was 16?

If you say no to him he forces his way in, he’s a very difficult man in my opinion. I definitely tolerate him.

Given this, I would start to be very blunt with him. If he comes when it's not convenient, politely tell him so and don't let him in. If he forces his way in, remain holding the door open and ask him to leave because it's not a convenient time. If he ignores/laughs at you, restate firmly that you would like him to leave now. I would escalate to shouting if necessary. What he wants doesn't take priority over what you want.

I'd actually be quite angry at the scenario in your initial post. Who thinks it's ok to repeatedly bang on windows and doors when a bell ring doesn't get answered?

Don’t make excuses about CV or anything. People like him will just manipulate around that.

You don’t need to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain).

The statement is v simple.

No that doesn’t work for me.
No it’s not convenient.

Forget words use actions.

Stand your ground.

He is v a disrespectful, controlling bully.

Do you want him in your life at all?

What benefits does he being?

How old are your babies and why does he want to look after them alone - am I the only one who thinks this is an odd request? Does he have other DC? What sort of parent is he to them?

I have 4 DCs, from a v large family myself - can’t understand ever asking to look after children alone.

I wouldnt be bothered if its family. If it's friends or neighbours and I'm looking a state and the house is a tip I'd feel a bit caught out! I always ask if its convenient to come round and never turn up unannounced myself. However on xmas eve night I had two unannounced visitors and it was lovely to see them

@LannieDuck I was fuming I could hear banging in the shower but thought it was next door, soon as I turned the shower off I could hear screaming babies and the dog going mad when I checked my phone I had 3 missed calls and a vm saying he’d been. I was fuming.
@gutterton I agree completely with everything your saying he’s beyond difficult! I don’t have a great bond with him it’s became even more strained recently. He’s helped me financially, some very grand gestures none of which I asked for but things my mother said he owed me so I should accept. These were things that I couldn’t afford myself. I think now he only bought me those things to maintain a hold on me! My children are 1 and 2 I think he expects to have them because my mam watches them on the occasion I go anywhere, I think he just assumes that means he should have them too.

OP, you owe a man who wasn't in your life for 16 years, absolutely nothing.

Your mother was correct that you could accept the money to help you.

She had provided for you up to then.

You owe him nothing, absolutely nothing.

I certainly think it strange that he wants to look after your two children on his own.

I wouldn't be entertaining him on that score.
Take the time to re read@Gutterton, thats good advice on how to handle this bully.

Personally, I'd be wanting him away from me.

I have zero tolerance for bullies, particularly the male type.

If you feel more comfortable you could write down how you feel and want.

Tell him back off and respect your boundaries or get the hell out of your life.

I have always been ruthless with my protection of family down time.
Because i am so respectful of others privacy, i would never tolerate being repeatedly imposed upon.

Those early years are busy and precious....someone turning up ad hoc, first thing in the morning is simply not on.

You sound lovely OP, let your OH support you at this time.

YANBU to be frustrated but I doubt it’ll change. My FIL is exactly the same. He comes round between 7.30 and 9 when he knows I’m trying to get the brats to bed and he talks super loudly which makes my bedtime routine twice as long. When I’ve asked him to call beforehand he says he doesn’t want to, he should be able to pop round whenever he wants. 🤬

He is a bully. Your mum was well rid of him.

Bullies don't stop through you appealing to their better nature.

Be very very rude. He is stomping on your boundaries and your OH's boundaries. Get tough. Send him packing every single time he turns up without arranging it in advance. Don't be polite about it. Be exasperated.

Door bell rings, you open door:
You: "Dad, what are you doing here?"
Him: "Just passing, can I come in for 5 mins."
You: "No, I'm busy. Got to run. Bye."
You: Do not wait for a response - shut door immediately.
Him: knocks on door again
You: shouts through door, "busy, dad"
Him: gets aggressive
You: loud music and ignoring.

@billy1966 my mother was right in telling me to accept his generosity but I think now it’s left him with a hold over me and I think that was his intention all along. He definitely won’t be looking after my children alone he’s got no idea how to care for a child. He gave OHs grandma some snide remarks about her watching the children for me, I think he must just assume that if I let other grandparents watch them he must be able to as well. I think I will have to be quite ruthless when I confront him I’ve really had enough now I’ve just not wanted to really let rip on him until I knew I wasn’t being a dick. This post has definitely given me that push I needed.
@Ilovefoodnotgym I know exactly how you feel my dad likes to show up on the one morning I need my eldest to nap before lunch, I tell him every time it’s not convenient and he doesn’t care.
@TorkTorkBam I like this idea! I’d like to think this would work on him, I know I’m going to have to be very rude to make him see. I’m just not used to having to make these kind of moves, I’ve never known anyone like this before that just refuses to listen.

Worst I’ve had is next door neighbours pitching up unannounced on CHRISTMAS MORNING when I was up to my eyes cooking for my family coming that afternoon. Then when I looked a bit shocked at the door, they passive aggressively announced that my husband had invited them to “pop in over Christmas” and basically barged their way in. I had to postpone my parents’ arrival.

We subsequently fell out with them good and proper over our MINUSCULE side return extension to which they vehemently objected but I will never forget that episode as being the absolute height of bad manners.

@TorkTorkBam

Is absolutely correct.

Manners are utterly wasted on people like your father...ditch them...... tell him to take a hike.

Very rude. Unless I am expecting someone, I simply don't answer the door. I wouldn't answer the door to him. Cheeky sod!

Perhaps he is lonely try to encourage him to get involved with other things so he won’t have time to keep popping in.

I'd say it was unacceptable at the moment

my mother was right in telling me to accept his generosity but I think now it’s left him with a hold over me and I think that was his intention all along.

Look at it this way. Any generosity from him is just him paying what he owed you for fucking off out of your life until you were 16.

I think I will have to be quite ruthless when I confront him I’ve really had enough now I’ve just not wanted to really let rip on him until I knew I wasn’t being a dick.

You don’t have to let rip, you don’t have to escalate a verbal confrontation. You don’t have to be like him or someone you are not. I would imagine he is someone who is well versed in this style of interaction and will demolish you. I would be terrified of the onslaught of rage with someone like this.

BUT

You can be ruthless and meet his meet his power head on - safely with ACTIONS.

Send a text simply outlining the requirement AND the consequences. Don’t get into a dialogue about it - just do as they here “rinse and repeat” - so cut and paste send the same text one final time.

Then sit back and wait for him to come round and bang on your doors.

Don’t answer - don’t communicate.

If it escalates TEXT him you will call the police if he doesn’t leave immediately - and then do that.

If he does this you seriously need to consider cutting him out of your life.

You could also prep your DM and even his wife (if you trust her) so if he kicks off outside your door you text them to call him to tell him to leave you alone.

Take all these actions v swiftly - don’t let him bang on your door for more than 30 secs - hoping he will leave - he won’t. Text him immediately asking him to leave immediately and then call the police if he doesn’t.

YY to what Gutterton wrote.

Quiet firm actions, no shouty drama, be an unwavering rock.

I personally don't mind people turning up unannounced. However continuing to bang on the door or window when they get no answer is unbelievably rude.

You have to be both firm and empathetic here. It's his norm to have people dropping in and out without invitation. There are lots of people like that. It's what I grew up with.

But it doesn't suit you (and nowadays or wouldn't suit me). So you have to have the conversation that acknowledges his norm.

"Dad, I know know you and (DW) are really hospitable and love to have a house where people drop in without notice. But much as we enjoy visitors when we they're planned, DH and I are the opposite. We're much more private and less spontaneous. I'm sorry, but you really do have to let us know in advance if you want to come round. And if we say it's not convenient I need you to respect that. Otherwise this is going to affect our relationship. I want to enjoy your company, not feel frazzled by it because you've come at a bad time. I'm sorry that our styles are different, but if you can't adapt, then I just won't be answering the door"

He only has a hold over you if you let him, I presume this money was a gift so you don't need to pay him back. Ergo no hold.

I'd send him one final text
Dd your last visit has been playing on my mind so I thought I'd message you to clear it up. I've asked you to text to check we really available for a visit but on xday you called unannounced, rang the bell, banged on the window, text and rang my phone, disturbed the babies and the only bit of peace I was going to get all day in the shower. This cannot carry on. So we're happy to have you visit every Wednesday at 2pm, the routine will be great for the baby and me. Other than that we won't be accepting visitors. See you Wednesday!

And get a ring doorbell!
"Sorry dad, no I can't come to the door, we arranged Wednesday'