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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD aged 15 being courted by a 19 year old

103 replies

FortunesFave · 16/03/2020 06:05

That's too big of an age gap right? She's not 16 till' July.

He's a "really nice boy" according to a Mum I know. But still. He apparently said "I"m just going to get to know her...maybe when she's 16 we could get together if it works out"

What do you all think?

Should I be worried? DD is very mature....she's had a couple of light romances...not boy mad at all...more than one boy in her friendship group have had crushes on her but she's never shown interest.

When I carefully asked her about this young man she very carefully answered "We've been talking."

Hmm

In the past she's always been very open with me so I don't think she'd sneak around to see him. We're quite easy going....but 19!? He works part time, has graduated high school (we're in Oz) and is apparently starting teacher training soon.

Oh dear. I'm worried. Why can't she like one of her boy friends who are all 16!?

OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 16/03/2020 06:05

The AIBU vote would be

You're silly to worry YABU

You should be concerned YANBU

OP posts:
Andcake · 16/03/2020 06:08

TBH as a parent I am not sure but remembering being 15-26 that was exactly the age of my friends and is boyfriends. Also as an adult four years is nothing. Tricky - approach with caution and try and keep conversation open.

Elephantonascooter · 16/03/2020 06:10

I think she sounds sensible and the more you voice your concerns the more she is likely to rebel. He sounds sensible based on his comment so go with it for now and hope she remains open with you.
This was the exact situation with two friends of mine. We go to their ten year wedding anniversary party on Friday!
Remain cautious but approachable

CupoTeap · 16/03/2020 06:11

If he's starting teacher training he really ought to be a lot more aware of ages!

speakout · 16/03/2020 06:11

maybe when she's 16 we could get together if it works out"

That sounds creepy. why does he have to wait until she is 16 unless he has sex on his mind?

Having said that I had a relationship with a 24 year old when I was 16- and I enjoyed it Blush

excitedforbaby9 · 16/03/2020 06:13

I understand how you feel but i met my now husband when i was 15 and he was 18. We’ve been together for 12 years now. But i do understand how the age difference can seem.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 16/03/2020 06:14

Cupo I assume that's why he said what he did about waiting till' she's 16.

Speakout Well to be fair, many relationships in the romantic sense involve sex ...

I'm not sure it's creepy...he's obviously aware that 15/19 is a bit of an eyebrow raiser.

OP posts:
Laserbird16 · 16/03/2020 06:14

I can't vote either way here. If she likes him you don't want to push her away. Can you also get to know him? Invite him around for dinner and suss out just how nice of a boy he is?

Tricky as he's older but not a whopping age gap. You say DD has been open in the past, how open? A good relationship is with her is key.

Does she have a good understanding of consent, coercion etc? He can drink, she can't, how would she feel if the situation arose where he was drinking or offered her a drink. She may think you're being overprotective but a decent boyfriend or friend who is a boy would not pressure her to drink etc.

Ivebeentohellanditscalledikea · 16/03/2020 06:14

It's not a massive age gap but it can be in maturity though.

Then again my mum fell pregnant with me when she was 16 and my dad was 27 which now I have a nearly 16 he old seems wrong.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 16/03/2020 06:15

I also feel hypocritical because when I was 19, my boyfriend was 28! When I was 21 I was seeing a 32 year old.

But I was in my late teens...she's only a kid.

OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 16/03/2020 06:16

Laser she has an excellent understanding of consent. She's a very bright young woman and is a feminist...quite outspoken and articulate.

So that's something. She's open to the point of telling me about most of her problems...she knows I'm not reactive.

OP posts:
iwanttoshakesomeppl · 16/03/2020 06:19

I had a bf of 19 at 16. We got together just after I finished my exams and turned 16 in June. Didn't last long. Just talk to her about being sensible and knowing her boundaries and see what happens. She seems a smart girl.

Laserbird16 · 16/03/2020 06:24

That's good. If she's sensible and mature then I'd just keep trusting her and let her know you are there for her. Plus embarrassingly include him in your family stuff until either he cracks and reveals he is a jerk or is a nice boy and loves it and your DD. Hoping it's the later!

skinnymarshmallow · 16/03/2020 06:35

I'd speak to her cautiously and then the minute he starts that course report him to the course provider if he's still hanging about. He will get such a grilling likelihood is he'll not darken her doorstep again

OwlBeThere · 16/03/2020 06:38

I don’t think it’s at all creepy to say they might pursue it when she’s 16. I see nothing wrong with getting to know each other tbh. There’s a decent chance that by the time she’s 16 it’ll have fizzled out anyway

Original poster
FortunesFave · 16/03/2020 06:39

Skinny Really? If she was 16 and he asked her out or something? You'd report that?

OP posts:
HarrietTheShy · 16/03/2020 06:43

Way too big a gap. Why isn't he socialising with girls his own age? The age 16 comment is creepy AF. She's 15, she shouldn't even be on his radar as dating potential. And he obviously has an expectation of sex. Is that fair to put on someone who is still child? Huge red flags all over.

Men often go for younger women to control them/have someone be in awe of them. She has her entire adult life to date. Protect her, give her a few more years to develop and grow without being groomed by an older man.

jay55 · 16/03/2020 06:45

It's creepy to say he'll wait until she is 16 because that makes it sound like he's grooming her. I think he probably thinks he sounds respectful but it's just a weird thing to say.

I went out with a 19 year old at 15, he was massively immature and it fizzled out quickly, without us having sex.

Bluewater1 · 16/03/2020 06:46

What month does he start teacher training? If it was in the UK and he started teacher training and was going out with a 15 year old I think the college would have a very dim view of that....

sauvignonblancplz · 16/03/2020 06:47

I think you’ve answered the question yourself , she’s very sensible and mature.
Context is everything.

Sounds fine.

MsJaneAusten · 16/03/2020 06:48

I went out with a 19 year old at 15. It fizzled out as we couldn’t socialise in the same places. I then went out with a 21 yo when I was 17 and we were together for years. They both sound sensible and it sounds like she’s communicating with you. I’d step back, but keep communication with her well open.

Darbs76 · 16/03/2020 06:49

Perfectly normal. Boys are less mature than girls so it’s normal for them to date older boys. I certainly did at that age. Invite him over to meet him. If you push him away you’ll push her closer to him

AmelieTaylor · 16/03/2020 06:49

Yes, you’re a hypocrite. Yes,admittedly you were 10 & she’s 16 but they’re numbers. Do you really think you were much different at 19 than she is at 16.

When I was 15 I had a bf that was 20 - at first I was seeing him & a 15 yo from school. Let’s just say, the 20 year old was, by far, the most respectful and caring, and was completely happy to wait to have sex until I was ready... the younger one was a lovely guy too & ‘happy to wait’ but a horny teenager who made his feelings known 😁

My parents thought the older one was unsuitable and the younger one perfect. Little did they know or care to listen

As a parent I can totally understand that the age difference seems too big & boys her age seem like a better choice, but if all the things you say about her are right then trust her to make the right decision. Keep the communication open & talk to her about your concerns, but don’t make her feel she’s doing something you disapprove of. I stayed with D at times when I wouldn’t have partly because I didn’t want the ‘I told you so’ crap.

I’m keeping all of that fresh in my mind for when the nearly 15yo starts to show an interest in ‘boys’ 😖

Riverviews · 16/03/2020 06:51

I had plenty of boyfriends, including older ones, from age 14. Never had sex until almost 19.

She's sensible. He's not stupid. I would be wary but not too the point of reporting something that has not even happened.

Your daughter says they are talking, and most likely they'll keep on just talking for a few months.

JuniperSnowberry · 16/03/2020 06:55

19 and 15 as it stands, I wouldn't like it at all.

Of all the women he could choose to date he chooses a child instead. The wait until she is 16 comment is skeevy.

At age 19, in the UK, it is the same age as someone just finishing up their first year at university, how close to 20 is he?

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