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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD aged 15 being courted by a 19 year old

103 replies

FortunesFave · 16/03/2020 06:05

That's too big of an age gap right? She's not 16 till' July.

He's a "really nice boy" according to a Mum I know. But still. He apparently said "I"m just going to get to know her...maybe when she's 16 we could get together if it works out"

What do you all think?

Should I be worried? DD is very mature....she's had a couple of light romances...not boy mad at all...more than one boy in her friendship group have had crushes on her but she's never shown interest.

When I carefully asked her about this young man she very carefully answered "We've been talking."

Hmm

In the past she's always been very open with me so I don't think she'd sneak around to see him. We're quite easy going....but 19!? He works part time, has graduated high school (we're in Oz) and is apparently starting teacher training soon.

Oh dear. I'm worried. Why can't she like one of her boy friends who are all 16!?

OP posts:
Laks0007 · 16/03/2020 08:16

It's not creepy to wait until 16 - maybe she wants to have sex too and they want to follow the law. It's sensible! What's wong with two teens of age having sex? They may have needs too.

I think it's fine, your daugher sounds like a switched on young woman and you sound open and supportive. Girls mature faster, so she probably doesn't find guys her age attractive. Not to mention there are plenty of options for a 19 year old guy, but he likes your daugher even though he knows he will have to proceed cautiously.

I can't believe skinny said to report, totally dramatic and will drive a wedge between your daughter and yourself.

ExServiceWoman · 16/03/2020 08:20

Doesn't feel right. When is he 20? Why is he wanting to date a child when he's about to start uni.

I'm glad you have a great relationship with your daughter but I'd keep a very close eye.

dottiedodah · 16/03/2020 08:33

I think this sort of age gap is par for the course really .As many younger teenage boys are very immature ,young girls will often want a slightly older boyfriend .He sounds like he is a nice young man ,and is not pushing her into having sex before shes ready .I would talk to her and not judge her at all .If she feels she can speak to you then that is good .

HarrietTheShy · 16/03/2020 08:35

A 19 yr old has just left school.

They are still quite immature in many ways whereas a girl almost 16 is far more mature in most cases.

Adult men are immature and thus free from the responsibilities of their actions, while female children are mature and able to make their own decisions. Sexist garbage.

The attempted normalisation of an adult male having sexual interest in someone much younger, of less power status to him is disturbing as fuck. Let's give our girls the space to grow up to adulthood without enabling adult men who are trying to fuck them.

cavabiensepasser · 16/03/2020 08:35

OP, you can keep as close an eye as you want but you'll only know as much as she'll tell you, and no more.
And if she wants, she'll be doing the dirty whether Mumsie approves or not.

I'd say, chill. They're both teens. She may well want to have sex, but isn't sure if 16 year old boys have sprouted pubes yet. What these two are doing isn't the end of the world.

PeterPanGoesWrong · 16/03/2020 08:36

At 15 I was dating a 19 year old. I thought he was so sophisticated, he had his own car and a good job. The most we ever did was kiss, he didn’t ever try anything else.
I’m 56 now but until the time I left my home town some 8 years ago We still both waved to each other, said hello sorta thing.

You know if your daughter is a ‘good’ girl, sensible, mature etc. So I don’t think this is a simple yes or no question. By letting her date you are saying you trust her judgment. By giving her a blanket ban you could make him seem mysterious and exciting.
Is she the kind of girl who would be happy to follow some ground rules? No dates on school nights. Home by 9.30 . No sleepovers etc?

I feel for you, I really do, but I think if this had happened to me I’d let them date, and hope he gets bored of her. But he could well be your future son in law.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 16/03/2020 08:42

My ds is nearly19 and there's no way he's even look at a 15 year old nor would any of his mates!

motherheroic · 16/03/2020 08:46

@Ivebeentohellanditscalledikea You're right to feel that way. Someone who is pushing 30 getting a 16 year old pregnant is disgusting. Sorry.

mummmy2017 · 16/03/2020 08:49

In our family we always liked older men.
You have to trust your DD. You passed on your own views, and she says they are talking.
I can guarantee a 19 year old who wants to wait, is thinking about his career and life ahead. He knows he could be in trouble for dating someone under 16.
Trust her, talk to her and accept her views.
She knows enough not to be dating him now.

motherheroic · 16/03/2020 08:50

I know people are going to trot out the 'boys are more immature' line, but when are we going to let girls be immature and enjoy their childhood instead of immediately insisting that they are 'more grown up'.

Toria70 · 16/03/2020 08:51

I'd be concerned too, 15 is very young still.

But you'll only make him more attractive by putting barriers up. I'd express your concern, and tell her that you love and trust her but don't know him well enough to have that confidence in him.

Pashola · 16/03/2020 08:52

I'm in Aus too and isn't it illegal if they're under 16 and there's more than a 2 year age gap?

I wouldn't be ok with it.

wizzywig · 16/03/2020 08:53

He is potentially putting his future career at risk. He should be sensible enough to back off and have no underage romantic relationships

overnightangel · 16/03/2020 09:00

Where did they meet? Context is everything.
If he knew she was 15 from the outset then that’s creepy as fuck, sorry.

And for people saying it’s a 3 year age gap, how do you know the lad won’t be 20 before she turns 16?
That’d make it a 5 year gap on paper.

Tript · 16/03/2020 09:04

It's not a scary age gap as such but it's the timing that's a bit weird. I went out with an 18 yr old when I was 15 and it didn't feel strange as we were both school age. But any of my male uni friends going out with 15 yr old girls would've been looked on as very creepy and bizarre.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 16/03/2020 09:06

Well he's not going out with her at the moment. I think it's just known he likes her.

But you're right...it does seem creepy now...Angel I don't know if he knew her age right off...but he might not have as some of her mates are in their final year at school. She met him through them.

OP posts:
Cacacoisfarraige · 16/03/2020 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reginabambina · 16/03/2020 09:09

Well who in their right mind would be interested in a boy her age. So long as she is a ready for a relationship the age of her partner is irrelevant. If she isn’t ready however she shouldn’t be dating anyone. 16 year olds are just as capable of grooming, exploitation and, abuse, in some ways the risk seems to subside as people get older.

Moreisnnogedag · 16/03/2020 09:14

I think this is well and truly not up to you, I wouldn’t be expressing any negative opinion to your DD, but just keeping lines of communication open, so that whether she feels she wants to date him or not, she’s happy that you’re going to be non-judgemental and listen to her.

Also where did they meet? In school or elsewhere - at that age I was out in town and clubbing so perfectly reasonable to hang out with older guys.

YouForgetYourself · 16/03/2020 09:14

I would not be concerned by this at all tbh. He sounds nice and aware of the age gap rather than creepy FFS.

This is MN though where anyone with a penis is 99% dead cert as an abuser

Moreisnnogedag · 16/03/2020 09:15

Personally I think a 19yr old would be more respectful of consent/coercion than a 16yr old

user1333796 · 16/03/2020 09:18

YABU to say 'courted' and 'young man'. Are you sure you aren't the grandparent?

Ponoka7 · 16/03/2020 09:21

If he was in the UK they'd suspend his teacher training.

It would be viewed as a Safeguarding risk. I can't give advice in that regards with you being in Australia.

He's got one massive sense of entitlement, as do any adult men who go with girls. They fancy them, so thinkvthey should have access to them, regardless.

There is a power dynamic and forget, independent/feminist etc when a young person is up against an adult. The power dynamic is too much.

Some of the strongest women get into controlling/abusive relationships and struggle to get out.

We have normalised adult men dating girls, but he should be walking away and shows a lack of judgement and understanding in the power dynamic etc. Which is why he'd be kicked off his course.

If your DD is truly a feminist, go at it from the entitlement approach and how women manage to not get into relationships/have sex with boys.

Patch23042 · 16/03/2020 09:24

From your updates I wouldn’t worry too much OP.

MrBazil · 16/03/2020 09:25

Hi !
Speaking as a man who was once 19 years old and had more hormones racing round him than a piece of supermarket beef has, I can catergorically say, keep her away from him until she is 16 years old if you get my meaning 👍🏼
He may be a very nice lad, but if he truly is he will way until she is of legal age.
It’s so hard to keep them apart I know, but the best thing to do is to sit down with both of them and be honest about it.
Hope this helps. Baz x