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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD aged 15 being courted by a 19 year old

103 replies

FortunesFave · 16/03/2020 06:05

That's too big of an age gap right? She's not 16 till' July.

He's a "really nice boy" according to a Mum I know. But still. He apparently said "I"m just going to get to know her...maybe when she's 16 we could get together if it works out"

What do you all think?

Should I be worried? DD is very mature....she's had a couple of light romances...not boy mad at all...more than one boy in her friendship group have had crushes on her but she's never shown interest.

When I carefully asked her about this young man she very carefully answered "We've been talking."

In the past she's always been very open with me so I don't think she'd sneak around to see him. We're quite easy going....but 19!? He works part time, has graduated high school (we're in Oz) and is apparently starting teacher training soon.

Oh dear. I'm worried. Why can't she like one of her boy friends who are all 16!?

OP posts:

Allinadaystwerk · 16/03/2020 09:31

I would not neck with my 15 year old dating a 19 yr old and would question why he wants to do that. It could put his career as a teacher at risk and rightly so

Allinadaystwerk · 16/03/2020 09:32

Be ok not 'neck'

bookmum08 · 16/03/2020 09:33

It's amusing as everyone here is all "he is 19 - a MAN must be a perv etc etc" yet on a recent thread where an older guy had been asked out by a 19 almost 20 year old guy everyone was "oh no - he is 19 - a CHILD etc etc"

mummmy2017 · 16/03/2020 09:44

Do you know what is funny
My straight lace mum, told me she went after my dad, lied to her dad about where she was and married him.
There was a 7 year age gap .
This is nothing new .
I bet many of us have a few years age gap between loved ones.
This was in the 1960's

okiedokieme · 16/03/2020 09:49

It's ok as long as it is fully consensual. Not that big of a gap

LorenzoStDubois · 16/03/2020 09:54

Not surprised he's going into teaching, he'll be like a kid in a candy shop.
I'd say he's licking his lips already.

I know a former teacher who was just like that - he was a devil for the young ones.
He got booted out of the profession eventually - after a messy and tragic stillborn in a hotel bathroom - with a former student.

Allinadaystwerk · 16/03/2020 09:54

I have no problems with age gaps...amongst consenting adults

HonestlyItsFine · 16/03/2020 09:58

So long as she is a ready for a relationship the age of her partner is irrelevant

Really?

irregularegular · 16/03/2020 10:10

Honestly? I think you are overreacting. I think plenty of 15 year old girls and 19 year old boys/men can be similar in maturity and interests and there isn't necessarily anything creepy about it. I assume people would see this quite differently if she was 16? But ultimately that is quite an arbitrary line (albeit legal) line and she is only a few months off it. 19 is still very young! I teach undergraduates. Lots of them seem like kids to me. The fact he has said that he will get to know her and maybe get together when they are 16 suggests he is sensible, not a sex-obsessed weirdo. Give her a few general words of advice about consent etc (which she will probably roll her eyes at) and let it be.

I had a relationship with a 20/21(?) yr old when I was 16 and I don't think that was dysfunctional. My parents were a bit worried about his education level etc but not his age. I then moved on to a 41 year old when I was 17. That I don't recommend.

OverByYer · 16/03/2020 10:29

I have a 19 year old son. No way would he be interested in a 15 year old girl.
I’d be worried if he was.

overnightangel · 16/03/2020 10:37

Spot on @Ponoka7

oblada · 16/03/2020 11:15

Overbyyer - maybe some 15yrs old are particularly interesting :) throughout my teenage years most of my boyfriends were 3-4 yrs old (or more) than me. All well rounded adults now.

SistemaAddict · 16/03/2020 11:17

I was 15 with a boyfriend of 19. I wish my parents had protected me. I was coerced into sex, controlled then left heartbroken at 16 when he dumped me by letter. The events of that summer still haunt me and have affected every romantic relationship since.

JKScot4 · 16/03/2020 11:21

I have 3 DD; 14-25 and they never dated much older, often I’ll mention threads like this to them and they always say why is he not going with girls his age? Also at school they get a hard time if it’s a big age difference, no way would my DD14 or friends look at guys 18/19, they think it’s ‘noncey’ 🙄 if these guys are chasing under age girls.

Songsofexperience · 16/03/2020 11:36

Ah bercows I know where you're coming from! At 15 I was groomed too. He was 29. Fell for him very hard and it nearly broke me.
It's all about whether or not we are talking about a relationship of equals in OPs daughter's case. It's hard to gauge with a relatively close 15-19 age gap but it's the crux of the problem. I think OP should try and meet him. That will help her see first hand how they interact.

Songsofexperience · 16/03/2020 11:38

My gut feeling though is that she should probably stay away from him... there is a big risk she'll get hurt.

Sockwomble · 16/03/2020 11:51

I would be concerned about someone who is doing teacher training dating someone who is still at school. At best it is showing immaturity.

FallonSwift · 16/03/2020 11:52

Age gaps matter less as you get older, but at this stage they are important.

He'll be able to drive, drink and go out a lot more readily than she will. That difference in freedom has a significant influence on how they socialise. I suspect your DD's social time involves hanging round with mates, hobbies and shopping. His are more likely to involve drinking and adult-only venues. The differences in maturity - and also the risks that go along with that maturity - are quite marked at that age, regardless of how sensible your DD is.

rocketmen · 16/03/2020 11:53

19 is too old! A 16 year old and a 20 year old is... Not good. What does a 20 year old want with a girl in school?

rocketmen · 16/03/2020 11:55

Do you know what is funny
My straight lace mum, told me she went after my dad, lied to her dad about where she was and married him.
There was a 7 year age gap .

So that would make it fine for a 19 year old and a 12 year old to date then?

Age gaps become less of an issue as we mature but let's not pretend 20 and 27 Vs a child and an adult is totally fine.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 16/03/2020 11:59

When I was 15 I had a similar flirtation with a boy who was 19. We kissed but that wad it - he never pressed me for anything else and I never even considered it. We weren't boyfriend and girlfriend as such, although if I had been 16 we probably would have been (I still see him from time to time at work and he's told me he was too scared of my dad to take it further). At 16 I was with a 22 year old and the age gaps only widened after that. I don't think it's creepy that he suggested waiting til she was 16. What's the alternative - not waiting?

maras2 · 16/03/2020 12:02

Same age gap as me and DH.
45th wedding anniversary this year.
What will be will be.

Standrewsschool · 16/03/2020 12:03

My initial thought was it’s a large age gap, but okay.

However, the ‘waiting’ comment is creepy and I immediately thought of grooming. Also, if he’s planning to do teacher training, then not a wise move also.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 16/03/2020 12:07

When I was 16 I dated a 21 year old. I realise now that it was a bit too much of an age gap, but we were together for 2 years and I would say 19 is okay but just about.
20+ and I would say no way

DingleberryRose · 16/03/2020 12:49

Not much you can do about it really. She’s going to date him if she wants to. Just have to hope she’s sensible.

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