DD aged 15 being courted by a 19 year old

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That's too big of an age gap right? She's not 16 till' July.

He's a "really nice boy" according to a Mum I know. But still. He apparently said "I"m just going to get to know her...maybe when she's 16 we could get together if it works out"

What do you all think?

Should I be worried? DD is very mature....she's had a couple of light romances...not boy mad at all...more than one boy in her friendship group have had crushes on her but she's never shown interest.

When I carefully asked her about this young man she very carefully answered "We've been talking."

In the past she's always been very open with me so I don't think she'd sneak around to see him. We're quite easy going....but 19!? He works part time, has graduated high school (we're in Oz) and is apparently starting teacher training soon.

Oh dear. I'm worried. Why can't she like one of her boy friends who are all 16!?

He’s starting teacher training soon and he’s “courting” a 15 year old child. That’s quite worrying. He shouldn’t be looking at any school age person!

I think you’ve answered the question yourself , she’s very sensible and mature.
Context is everything.

Sounds fine.

She's sensible and mature so let's allow an adult male who clearly isn't to paw at her unsupervised? No, let's protect her and allow her to develop to adulthood without being groomed and pressured into adult expectations by an immature adult male.

I think it’s a red flag that he’s starting teaching training and looking at a 15-year-old in this way. I’d definitely be concerned.

*HarrietTheShy Mon 16-Mar-20 06:43:22
Way too big a gap. Why isn't he socialising with girls his own age? The age 16 comment is creepy AF. She's 15, she shouldn't even be on his radar as dating potential. And he obviously has an expectation of sex. Is that fair to put on someone who is still child? Huge red flags all over.

Men often go for younger women to control them/have someone be in awe of them. She has her entire adult life to date. Protect her, give her a few more years to develop and grow without being groomed by an older man.*

^ This. I hear what others have said about their own age gap experiences but it sounds very creepy in this instance. And his comment smacks of grooming. Training as teacher? He won’t get far with his current judgment. Please protect your 15yo from this man who sounds predatory,

I had similar with one of my daughters like yours she was mature and sensible plus the guy was loverly. It ran its course give her the facts and trust her.

It doesn’t sit right with me that a male who is about to start teacher training is interested sexually in under age school girls. He should know better that this is inappropriate

Nope, it's wrong and he should have more awareness if he's about to do TT. I would report it to his course provider like a PP suggested.

She's practically 16......?? Tbh that's a pretty normal age gap for that age. Same gap do and I have and we've been together 25 years !

And no, we didn't immediately jump into bed together.

As a 19 year old you’re either in full time work or full time study, associating and spending time with other ADULTS. As a 19 year old of one of my male friends started seeing a 15 year old I’d certainly be questioning his motives or thinking there was something wrong with him. If he’s at work/college/uni all day what has he got in common with a child at school?

Just read the teacher training bit 😳even creepier.
Man chooses girlfriend he’ll be arrested for having sexual contact with = red flags all over the place 🚩

I'd make him very welcome, invite him in, invite him to stay for dinner. Show him just how close you all are.

I think in some cases it would be ok and others not. For example some 15 year old girls can look and act older than their age and that may be why he's been attracted to her. But if she was very young looking and not emotionally mature enough for a relationship then I'd wonder about his motives. It's not that much of an age gap but it could be, depending on the maturity of the individuals. If it were my daughter I think I wouldn't stop her from seeing him but I'd be open with her and keep an eye on things.

I don't think waiting till she is 16 is creepy - its sensible given the career he has chosen. Also sounds like he is in it for more than a shag if they are actually talking to each other and considering things like his career and her age. I would make sure to keep the lines of communication open with her, kitchen chat etc. I would also be talking about her age, his ambitions and just take the conversations in the direction you want

I don't think it's much of an age gap- 15 is young to start a sexual relationship but even if her boyfriend was 16 they might still have sex. Being 19 should make him more sensible, more responsible, more experienced and quite frankly better than a 16 year old.

I was in this exact situation aged 15 and the guy 19. We met at a sports activity and I thought we were friends (and I thought he was good looking but nothing more than that).
I had a big shock when I opened the door and he was stood there asking me to start going out together (behind his long term partners back). I wasn't sure how to handle it, spoke to my mum and she had a pleasant word with him, pointing out the totally inappropriate age gap as well as the fact he was in a relationship (they were living together so in his head he probably felt trapped and unhappy and figured he'd just look elsewhere!).
Her words and me being polite but keeping my distance when we crossed paths meant he got the message. I would add that even if he hadn't been in a relationship I would not have been interested in a man when I was a girl as it scared me.

It's over 20 years later and I can still remember how baffled I felt and uncomfortable. However, thinking about it, your teenager might have a totally different personality to me and may feel more open to dating an older guy and find it exciting.

I really can't see he issue OP.

a 3 yr gap (just) is nothing.
I used to teach students that age. There are some boys of 19 who are quite immature and some girls of almost 16 who are more like 25 year olds.

I don't like your word courting.

This is very old fashioned- it's what people used in the 1940s here in the UK.

It implies he is wooing her for marriage, rather than just dating her.

My parents were pretty strict with me but I had several age gap relationships and they never saw it as an issue.

what's your issue?

Pregnancy?

you need to trust your DD to make the right choices for her.

Do posters here really know many 19 yr olds?

Some of the posts suggest they think 19 is 29!

A 19 yr old has just left school.

They are still quite immature in many ways whereas a girl almost 16 is far more mature in most cases.

Does no one realise there is a big maturity gap between boys and girls i their mid to late teens?

When I was 13-15 I had boyfriend 17-19 roughly. When I was 16-17 my boyfriends were late 20s-earlt 30s. I also had a boyfriend the same age as me (from school) and then met my now husband when I was 18 (he was 21). Nothing wrong with that.
Of course he's going to have sex in mind, we all have at that age! 15 to 19 in maturity can be a lot or nothing. Boys are usually less mature/girls are usually more mature so that helps bridge the gap.
I don't see anything creepy. At 15 she's not a child, she's very much a teenager and he is a young adult. Which is not very different.

In any event all of the above is pretty irrelevant - you can't stop your DD from seeing this boy (the more you try the more it will backfire) if she wants to, so speak to her about consent, relationships etc maintain that openness if you can (though I think it's a bit weird for a 15yrs old to be genuinely open with her mum about boys... at least at the point when she is actually interested in one more seriously, which is where she may be at).

I don't read his comment as creepy - more like he's acknowledging some would be weird about the age gap. Three and a half years isn't a big age gap - I would just keep an eye on her.

I had three relationships between 15 and 17 with a similar age gap. Even with the benefit of hindsight, they were all appropriate. I think you need to keep a discreet but watchful eye, keep the channels of communication open with your daughter and trust her.

It's too big a gap. Plus that shes not 16 yet...
And then again that hes due to start teacher training?!
He's putting his career in jeopardy before it's even started.
Of course when I was 15 I dated men that age and older. Some were lovely and some were not.
In retrospect I was just too young. But that was decades ago and attitudes were fairly different then.

I'd be concerned. As a pp says why isn't he mixing with girls his own age?
I also just asked my own 15 yo DD, she thinks it's a bit creepy but did say no 19 yo would be interested in her either!

Yabu for saying 'being courted'

you're all talking like 15 (very nearly 16) year old girls don't want sex... well, you'd be surprised.

Maybe cite CoronaVirus and say hold off until July 🤣😂

It’s not really an issue though, I knew exactly what I was doing at 15 and did far worse than date 19 year olds so it’s not really an issue. You know your DD so if you are confident of her mindset then let them date, July is literally just over three months away.