AIBU or is DH? A few small issues which seem to be adding up to a big deal

[ChocolateEmergency]

Last night me and DH were just sitting down to dinner and he started smacking his lips together as he was eating. He does this regularly and knows it drives me insane so I gave him a look and he asked what, so I did it to him. He got up, took his dinner and stormed off to the other room. Shouting at me that I was kicking off because I was tired. He was the only one kicking off in my opinion. When I ask him to not eat like that, he always gets annoyed and says he just wants to enjoy his food.

I cleaned the kitchen sink this morning, walked away. Walk back less than 5minutes later and he has left a spoon in the sink (we have a dishwasher) and coffee residue all across the bottom of the sink. I sigh and say I’d just cleaned it.

DD had a helium balloon which was almost deflated. DH was taking it to the bin, inhaled the helium and started talking to DD in the high voice. I said not the best thing to be teaching a 2 year old. I know we’ve had the exact same conversation before and he acknowledged I had a point that time. This time, apparently I’m just complaining about absolutely everything to piss him off.

Go to the bathroom and he has left an empty toilet roll on the holder and not changed it. So again I say, oh I’ll change the toilet roll shall I. This has never been an issue before, but he did it the other day as well and I didn’t say anything as it could’ve been an accident.

So IABU and shouldn’t say anything about these things or IANBU and DH is being a giant man child!

You've fallen into the typical relationship trap. You are getting annoyed and frustrated with his some of his behaviours but intead of tacking it with calm and respect, you are snapping at him, treating him like a kid and making him feel inferior. As a result, he feels harrassed and suffocated and the last thing he feels like doing is showing his appreciation for what you do.

It seems you've now gone to the next stage of picking on things that you would otherwise ignore because you are now stood to look at anything to justified the way you feel about him.

This is the downward spiral that leads to people seperating and doing so in anger and bitterness.

If you don't want to get there, you're going to have to take a step back and re-evaluate. The instance of the bathroom mess, of course he should have cleaned it but maybe not as immediately as you'd have wanted.

The problem is it's much easier to do things when you are happy than when you are constantly angry with the other person, so you'll both have to focus on what makes you happy together or at least what made you happy together.

Dumping a dirty teaspoon in the sink isn't using the sink, it's delivering a job to another person. If the dishwasher is loading, the teaspoon goes there; if it's not, use the sink to rinse it then dry and put it away. It's teamwork.

OP's DH is expecting to be followed round by a cleaning fairy, and those wings get heavy!

I YANBU as he doesn’t have a right to leave shit for you to tidy up in the kitchen, and using the last of toilet roll but not replacing is lazy. By leaving his shit fr you to clean away (after you have just cleaned) it’s like he is saying his time is more important than yours, tidying up after him is your job. Same with the toilet roll.
However l, the mocking and helium balloon thing, you were picking

If you treat him like he's 12 he will act like he is 12 and you are his Mummy.
How come his lip smacking (not sure what that is) didn't annoy you last October say? He did it every day then too. He is acting the same way he has always done. The same way that you have accepted and allowed for at least 3yrs or more. You are projecting anger on him in an exaggerated way currently. You are scanning his behaviour for evidence of disrespect and of people being mean to you. Is something else going on in your life at the minute that is bothering you?

OP has said she had spoken to DH about the lip smacking before. So, I'll assume in October he was fully aware but instead chose to continue doing it right up to now. That is inconsiderate.

The spoon swirls have been put into the dish washer. Not her responsibility. If her lived by himself he'd have to do it himself. Why just because he lives with a woman is it her responsibility to do it!? She doesn't use her lady parts to dispose of it. He is capable but unwilling!

Now he's refusing to discuss the matter with her and instead is moving the conversation on to irrelevant issues.

OP I feel for you. Don't rise to his bait and get anger. Stay calm and reiterate. Point out they are two different issues. One being the need to work together as a team. The other is getting about past annoyances. Divide the issues to conquer them! Good luck!

OP, I get you.

Instead of being a team and sharing the workload, he is swanning around creating MORE WORK for you at every turn. Because he doesn't care enough not to, and he doesn't respect or appreciate you.

Do you carry all of the mental load too?

Does he only do the fun stuff with your DC?

Do you feel very much unheard in the household?

Op, I hear you. Not putting your shoes on the rack is in no way comparable with leaving a wet, urine-stained towel on the floor and not cleaning the crayon and crap off the bath ('cos that's your job!). And he doesn't even put his own shoes on the rack! I couldn't be doing with his attitude at all, he sounds spiteful, lazy and entitled. And the lip-smacking! dear god that sounds disgusting! If he doesn't always eat that way then I would think he is doing it just to annoy you. What a twat.

If he won't even discuss these things with you I'd start looking at your finances and a possible future without him.

Gosh, so many people on this thread who don't get the death by a thousand cuts thing, or that this stuff builds up over time. I also think people are purposefully only commenting on part of your op. Obviously you don't care about the spoon, it's the mess around it. My partner is incapable of putting instant coffee in a cup without dropping some on counter, which he then somehow drips water from the kettle on. Several hours later I'll make a drink then wonder why my cup is sticky on bottom, then I'll spot the congealed coffee. Which I have to scrub as most of it's welded to the counter. If he just put the coffee in the cup in the first place, or at least wiped it up straight away it would take him 5 seconds. But no, I have to spend a minute on it. Which I add to the minute it takes to clean up the crumbs that are everywhere because he can't clear those up either and I need to use the work top. And the minute I spend cleaning the bathroom sink for the 2nd time today as he spits toothpaste from a height, no matter how many times I ask him to bend over the sink, and splatters the taps. And so on and so on. Death by a thousand cuts of disrespect and the misguided idea that his time is more valuable than mine/we live in a pigsty/I'm his maid.

I don't think you are being annoying OP. You point out these things because ultimately you know, when he leaves things lying around etc, he's not going to clear them up or replace the toilet roll, that has now become your job, because subconsciously he knows you will do it. It becomes tedious and frustrating to walk around your house and see that someone has left little jobs for you to do because they can't be arsed.

It doesn't matter if its just a spoon or a toilet roll, it's when it's constant. I have exactly the same problem. We would live in a total shit hole if I didn't run around cleaning up after everyone. I have nearly left dp over it several times, I just can't actually bring myself to do it, because as this thread shows, people think you are being petty, and just think you are hard work. I can onky imagine these people don't have to live with it.
I can also relate to the annoying eating habits. DP actually slurps all his food of his fork, he eats like an animal, stuffs his mouth so full he can hardly chew and it goes all over his face. It's fucking disgusting.
I love him, but all these little annoying habits and little acts of disrespect build resentment over time.

OP it's the way you're expressing your frustrations that is winding him up. My DP has similar methods and it makes me want to kill him. Like the inexplicable passive aggressive dirty look over dinner, or the awful chirping about "oh I'll just change the toilet roll shall I? Oh I'll just clear up the tea spoon shall I?" All done with the assumption that he has deliberately set out to slight you with his actions. When you react in this way you're showing you think the worst of him. It's completely unreasonable.

You need to say things kindly and clearly and with good humour. "Darling I really feel on edge when you make those noises when you eat. Can you try and stop?", "Babe can you change the loo roll when it runs out, I only just noticed in time".

OP I think everybody’s on edge at the moment. I can see it would be irritating, but maybe just take a moment before taking him to task? Maybe have a chat about how stressful everything is at the minute?

That is inconsiderate
Most people with annoying habits don't have them for the sole purpose of annoying others. They are that habits and habits are hard to break. Some habits are very annoying to some and not at all to others.

His lip smacking seems to be something he does and probably has done all his life that is part of enjoying his food, so asking him to stop is a bit deeper than him stopping something that he just does to annoy OP.

Snapping at him about it is not the way to promote him stopping, more likely to lead him to indeed go and eat in another room.

Yes the eating stuff would be a deal breaker....
(Assuming he hasn't get neurological difficulties)

He can't be bothered to eat in a way that doesn't repel other people eating. It's hugely rude.... It's why we spend so much time teaching kids manners.

I once stopped seeing a bloke as I couldn't stand his table manners.. Spitting food over the table, scraping the fork against his teeth, continually scratching the plate (to get the last bit of rice up...

It was repulsive!

It is death by a thousand cuts... It's just a lack of respect... Seeing how much stuff you'll tolerate...

Don't...

Tell him... Dint do passive aggressive... It wastes time..

Please stop doing x, I find it annoying /disrespectful /irritating...

I cannot believe someone in here asked you if you were on your period ffs

I know where your coming from honestly I would be taking the child and going on a long holiday i guarantee he will learn where the dishwasher and the toilet roll is then

Ugh he sounds like a twat OP. Stop cooking for him and doing anything for him whilst you decide if you can live with him for the rest of your life.

I get annoyed if things are left lying around in our house. It takes 2 minutes to pick up dirty socks off the floor (DH is guilty of this) or to rinse a spoon when there are no other dishes in the sink and I have just cleaned the entire kitchen! It is showing respect for the house and the work you have done! It needs to be a proper conversation with him and explain why it upsets you though. I feel like I am the only one who sees that the clothes are dry and need ironed and put away. I have been off work for 2 months for WRS and I have picked up a lot more with the fact I am off work and DH has acknowledged he has got a little lazy but knows once I am back at work full time that the chores will need to be split.

If I wake up first however he will come down to a sparking house, if he wakes up I come down to bits needing doing and a husband drinking coffee watching sports news. Blah

YANBU. My dp leaves crumbs on the floor and table, leaves glasses sitting around, pours beer in the sitting room and drips it on the table and carpet. He leaves piss splashes around the toilet and on the rim. Toothpaste everywhere. All minor really.

But why should I grovel on my hands and knees to clean up when I have joint problems and it hurts? Who wants to clean up a capable adult's urine? Who thinks it's OK to make someone else do this after they've been at work all day and come home to this? Who wants to live in a sticky student house where you can't put work or a book down without checking that it's not going to get wet or stained from something that's been dribbled across a work surface? Who wants to use a loo that smells? I feel disrespected and like I'm not worth anything. I completely get you.

All of those things seem minor. The lip smacking is annoying but I think I'd have to witness it to form any opinion - if it's more of a reflex action and/ or an old habit it's not kind to blame him for being 'him'. To be honest with you, there will be habits you have that piss him off too.

I briefly went out with a (very well-educated) guy who ate noisily, with his mouth open.

I asked him to stop, and he actually tried to justify it, saying, “I like to give air to my food”, or some nonsense. I couldn’t break up with him quickly enough, the arsehole.

Omg he sounds absolutely useless! He would drive me mad. I can’t believe people are saying you’re being nitpicky. Leaving a urine soaked towel “a bit lazy but maybe he thought you would it?” Absolutely ridiculous! No wonder all these men think they can get away with this crap

The lip smacking would drive me insane but everything else I think is just part of living with someone. It sounds like you may have had enough of him in general?

OP after reading your updates I couldn’t live with him either! Don’t blame you for having enough and nit picking as he is driving you to it

I once stopped seeing a bloke as I couldn't stand his table manners.. Spitting food over the table, scraping the fork against his teeth, continually scratching the plate (to get the last bit of rice up...
Repulsive? I find this less repulsive than having to cope with someone constantly nagging and snapping.

We all have our pet hates, one isn't more repulsive than the others, it's what we tolerate and what we don't.

Ultimately though, if some manners are so repulsive, why continue to date the person let alone marry them?

Am horrified to read that people think it's fun and/or safe to inhale helium from balloons.
See, for example www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-11810372
and www.elgas.com.au/blog/1030-helium-balloon-gas-safety-don-t-be-a-daffy-duck

The urine towel, that was a bit lazy of him, but again possibly he thought you'd do it as you were doing bath time and would remove it at the same time as putting DD towel in wash

What the actual fuck.