AIBU or is DH? A few small issues which seem to be adding up to a big deal

[ChocolateEmergency]

Last night me and DH were just sitting down to dinner and he started smacking his lips together as he was eating. He does this regularly and knows it drives me insane so I gave him a look and he asked what, so I did it to him. He got up, took his dinner and stormed off to the other room. Shouting at me that I was kicking off because I was tired. He was the only one kicking off in my opinion. When I ask him to not eat like that, he always gets annoyed and says he just wants to enjoy his food.

I cleaned the kitchen sink this morning, walked away. Walk back less than 5minutes later and he has left a spoon in the sink (we have a dishwasher) and coffee residue all across the bottom of the sink. I sigh and say I’d just cleaned it.

DD had a helium balloon which was almost deflated. DH was taking it to the bin, inhaled the helium and started talking to DD in the high voice. I said not the best thing to be teaching a 2 year old. I know we’ve had the exact same conversation before and he acknowledged I had a point that time. This time, apparently I’m just complaining about absolutely everything to piss him off.

Go to the bathroom and he has left an empty toilet roll on the holder and not changed it. So again I say, oh I’ll change the toilet roll shall I. This has never been an issue before, but he did it the other day as well and I didn’t say anything as it could’ve been an accident.

So IABU and shouldn’t say anything about these things or IANBU and DH is being a giant man child!

From your post it does sound a little bit like you're picking up on anything to cause an argument. If you consider why you would feel like this and try and address that instead you might find yourself a little happier.

Best of luck x

I’m proper cringing at how you talk to your husband. He’s an adult and the man you chose to spend your life with, made your vows to, chose to have a child with. He’s not perfect but neither are you! You’re not his boss. You’re meant to be his partner, his wife. I get that he’s annoying you but seriously deal with how you communicate with him, it’s really horrible to even read about.

Do you respect him? Love him? Like him? Cherish him? Does he make like easier in any way?

If not, please either go to counselling together or leave him. You’re creating a toxic atmosphere in your home which your child will grow up thinking is normal. That’s desperately sad.

Honestly, I’m not fussy at all even though it might sound it. But you’re right, I’m not his mum and I guess that’s my issue, I feel like I’m mothering after him all the time.

With the eating, he wouldn’t eat like that in public so why is it ok to eat like that with me? I wouldn’t let DD at 2 years old eat like that, but I’m her mum so it’s my job to teach her to eat nicely.

I also think this is something which he knows really bothers me, so why does he keep doing it when it’s such an easy solution.

The spoon in the sink isn’t an issue on it’s own. It’s the coffee left across the sink as well, all he has to do was run the tap and it would have cleared. But he’d have left it there to dry on for me to have to clean again. This isn’t a one off and there is the fact DH has an inability to put anything in the dishwasher.

Leaving the empty toilet roll, isn’t that something lazy teenagers do? Not grown men! I’m not his mum, why do I have to come along and change it after him?

There is other stuff which has happened today that I’ve not said anything about because of the atmosphere but I think it all helps explain my point:

DH and Dd were upstairs whilst I was cooking dinner. She has these bath crayons and he let her drawer all over the bath, shower screen, door frame and carpet and he hasn’t bothered cleaning it up. This is after he saw me clean the whole bathroom this morning. It will stay there until I eventually give in and clean it.

I went upstairs to run DD’s bath whilst she finished her yoghurt after dinner. Thought I’d quickly iron a top and dress, then go get DD. DH sent dd up for me to do bath time, which I know was him making a point for me to do it. She was impatient and took her nappy off in the bathroom. DH came up as DD was calling for him and asked DD why there was water all over the floor. I then heard him say have you done a wee? The towel he used to clean it up is still sat on the bathroom floor now. Again it will stay there until I pick it up.

If you all still think I’m the one in the wrong after the additional examples I will go and apologise and clearly need to do some self reflection.

Ha YANBU. Even less unreasonable with that update.

How about you look on it that he's deliberately baiting you?

Somebody that doesn't obviously react to baiting is no amusement for a dickhead.

And you can quietly sort things out for the inevitable divorce - as he obviously doesn't respect you and is getting to the point at which he's going to make your skin crawl.

Told you it was revenge. You need to call him out on it. Calmly. I know it's tough but you'll have a lifetime of this.....

Just read the additional replies given before I started writing my reply.

Sometimes it’s only seeing these things written down that make you realise exactly what is going on.

I understand the need for compromise, and live and let live. As an example, we’ve always had different values on cleanliness. DH wants things tidy, I want things clean and tidy. We always embraced this before, DH tidied and I cleaned. I think washing up should be done straight after dinner, DH would happily leave it to the next morning. I just learnt to accept it when it was DH’s turn.

I guess the issue is now that we have DD and I work part time, I do the large majority of the housework and running the house and feel DH doesn’t appreciate this. I feel that he lets things happen because it’s not his job to clean it up afterwards.

YABVU. Stop treating him like a child and stop trying to control him. You sound like a nightmare to live with.

Honestly I think you’re just winding each other up, I get you changed rhe examples so people would say it was him not you, but I think of trying to get people on here to pile on your husband as some form of way to make you feel validated it’s better to work out how to address the issues in your marriage if you wish it not to deteriorate further.

do the large majority of the housework and running the house and feel DH doesn’t appreciate this. I feel that he lets things happen because it’s not his job to clean it up afterwards

Ah, going for mumsnet gold early on. What’s this got to do with you mocking him over lip smacking. Or whinging about tea spoons in the sink?

As said, if you want to stay married then focus on fixing this, not trying to get a bunch of strangers to pile on him and say you’re right.

sounds like my situation - youre almost at the end of your tether and the littlest thing will set you off - he could sneeze and you would feel like you want to strangle him. Its not so much that the small things have set you off - its not realising that you haven't dealt with the bigger issue (ie: its always you picking up/tidying/cleaning etc)

Heartsonacake so you genuinely think he's reasonable to leave the bathroom a shit tip - urine soaked towel on the floor, crayon all over everything, for the OP to clean? She's mentioning all the things because she's tired of constantly recleaning because he's not doing the basics of picking up after himself.

@Bluntness100 As usual, you’re twisting things you’ve read to start an argument with an OP. I’ll listen to anyone else tell me I’m in the wrong except you so don’t waste anymore of your energy on me please.

I still think you're being unreasonable. Maybe not with the last example but if you were getting at him all day I don't blame him for it. He can't do anything right so you may as well do bath time and all yourself rather than having something else to moan at him for.

lip smacking is a divorce offence

I think @shinyredbus has nailed it. I am picking at him unnecessarily for the little things because I’ve not deal with the bigger issue.

I have tried to talk to DH before about this but I need to sit him down and make is explicitly clear how he is making me feel.

Your additional info OP:

The bath crayons bit, that would annoy me, and I wouldn't be happy at being expected to clean it up, but I wonder if his login is that it would be cleaned off by DD during bath time? I know you said it was all over carpet/door frame too, but was it a small mark or a Jackson Pollock?

The urine towel, that was a bit lazy of him, but again possibly he thought you'd do it as you were doing bath time and would remove it at the same time as putting DD towel in wash?

Anyway, as you say, it's time for a sit down and chat with DH on how they may seem like small things, but altogether they mount up. I wonder if he may come back to you with things that he feels annoy him too?

i definitely tagree the little things are just the last straw and youve got bigger problems that havent been sorted

login = logic

You sound very high maintenance, and frankly a pain in the arse. Are you always this ridiculously picky? Poor chap!

@ShawshanksRedemption I’ll admit it’s a small bit on the carpet but she has gone to town on the door frame. It’s big and multi coloured! I could have accepted him leaving it if it was just the bath, as could’ve been wiped off with the bath water (although they are definitely not that easy to clean off) but the shower screen is going to need glass cleaner etc, the door frame will need scrubbing and the carpet will need carpet cleaner too.

@magicstar1 that article perfectly explains what I was trying (very badly) to articulate to my husband this weekend. Thanks for sharing.

I've had all of these conversations with my husband.

Welcome to marriage I guess?

Also, OP - I think these are really small things and you do come across as nit picking, but I know well how these little things can make you want to scream once the resentment has built up over years. So, if this is part of a bigger picture of the way he behaves then YANBU. Im not sure how or if you can come back from this if he irritates you that much, you sound like you really hate him at this point.

If you want the marriage to survive you have got to stop this passive aggressive crap. Make a step change. Resolve to use simple and direct words only.

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Life is far too short.