AIBU or is DH? A few small issues which seem to be adding up to a big deal

[ChocolateEmergency]

Last night me and DH were just sitting down to dinner and he started smacking his lips together as he was eating. He does this regularly and knows it drives me insane so I gave him a look and he asked what, so I did it to him. He got up, took his dinner and stormed off to the other room. Shouting at me that I was kicking off because I was tired. He was the only one kicking off in my opinion. When I ask him to not eat like that, he always gets annoyed and says he just wants to enjoy his food.

I cleaned the kitchen sink this morning, walked away. Walk back less than 5minutes later and he has left a spoon in the sink (we have a dishwasher) and coffee residue all across the bottom of the sink. I sigh and say I’d just cleaned it.

DD had a helium balloon which was almost deflated. DH was taking it to the bin, inhaled the helium and started talking to DD in the high voice. I said not the best thing to be teaching a 2 year old. I know we’ve had the exact same conversation before and he acknowledged I had a point that time. This time, apparently I’m just complaining about absolutely everything to piss him off.

Go to the bathroom and he has left an empty toilet roll on the holder and not changed it. So again I say, oh I’ll change the toilet roll shall I. This has never been an issue before, but he did it the other day as well and I didn’t say anything as it could’ve been an accident.

So IABU and shouldn’t say anything about these things or IANBU and DH is being a giant man child!

YANBU. But most people will only read your OP, which I did think was a bit nit picky, rather than seeing your additional information. Why the hell should you be cleaning up after him? Why should you need to tell him this stuff? A partner who is like your child is very unattractive. I divorced mine and he even admitted after we split that he became my 3rd child.

The fact that you have repeatedly said all this stuff will stay that way until you clean it up speaks volumes. He pulls this shit all the time because he knows the little wifey will clean up after him.

My resentment over these small things built and built I'm afraid. I love being able to keep my home tidier now I'm divorced.

No one wants to be criticised more than complimented. If you tally them up do you dish out more criticism or compliments to your DH on a daily basis? It’s more the quantity than the nature of the criticism. Works both ways obviously, he should be complimenting you as well.

OP YANBU. Or if you are, I am too because that was like reading a day in my life. It’s like death by a thousand cuts isn’t it?

The issue is definitely not that you don’t pat him on the head and compliment him enough ffs.

I originally thought you were being nit picky (the helium balloon thing in particular as surely that's the best part?!) but I should have known better as my life is pretty much identical!

As a pp said it's death by a thousand cuts. Do you love him or do you often fantasize about living alone in a lovely clean house?? I think it's these constant "minor" incidents of disrespect which will inevitably lead to my divorce.

If stuff like that bothers you enough to post here, then I fear you have a very low annoyance threshold.

In the words of Marty McFly... “HEY, LIGHTEN UP, [JERK]!”
JERK

Oops! Don’t know why “JERK” got printed twice.

Was meant to be in brackets to show I wasn’t calling you a jerk.

Why doesn’t MN have an edit function?

It sounds like you have developed the ick.

Most things mentioned are a tiny bit annoying but you're not picking. Lip smacking makes me want to rip people's head off to I get that one

He sounds really fucking annoying.

Ouch, I hope you two don't have to self isolate together - will be blood rather than crayon!

Honestly it's harder to eat noisily than it is to eat quietly. I think he is just doing it to be a dick.
I never sat down to one single meal with my ex husband of 20 years because he ate like a pig with a gormless expression on his face the whole time never speaking at all, not one word for the whole meal, twirling cutlery all the while.
I get how it can become a really big deal over time.
Maybe you should stop eating at the table with him. I think it's the only solution apart from divorce.

I couldn’t live with you op, you have ridiculous standards. Spoon in the sink? Wtf!
Honestly get some reiki or counselling or go for a big bike ride or if you hate him that much then end it

It sounds like the tip of the iceberg of what life would have been like had I moved in with my ex.

I can see why these things would irritate you, esp the spoon and toilet roll. Seems a bit careless and lazy.

Chuck the shower crayons away for a start.

It's time to have a proper conversation with your husband to establish what's going on and how it can be fixed. You sound passive-aggressive which I know is easy to do when you're frustrated and struggling to articulate that to your partner, but it's not making anything easier and just enables him to continue doing unpleasant things. If he won't have a conversation with you about what needs to change then it may be time to think about whether this is something you can live the rest of your life dealing with.

Welcome to marriage I guess?

Huh? This isn't "marriage" it's one person being a bit inconsiderate and the other seething about anything and everything. Not an inevitability of marriage or the preserve of married people.

He sounds really inconsiderate to me.

YABVU. Stop treating him like a child and stop trying to control him. You sound like a nightmare to live with.

Ignore this nonsense. It's your husband who sounds like a nightmare to live with. I'd fucking strangle him.

He doesn't seem very respectful
Is this part of a wider pattern of him not doing his fair share of housework?

Also bath crayons! Why would you even buy them in the first place?!

Why exactly do you have to clean the crayons/urine towel? Tell him to bloody do it. If he won't, what more do you need to know?

Tried to speak to DH this morning and he just won’t listen, I even acknowledged that I was knit picking and it was wrong.

All I got was, I’m going to start picking you up on every little thing you do wrong. And even gave me an example of not putting my shoes on the shoe rack.

I took my shoes off as I walked in the house yesterday and quickly left them tucked under a chair, as I needed the loo. I did leave them there for a few hours, whilst I put the shopping away and put a roast on. I then moved them to the rack. The funny thing is, DH never puts his shoes on the rack!!

You sound like you are borderline bullying him in his own home here OP. The lip smacking and the spoon is no big deal really is it. It sounds like you have a lot more going on here and my advice is to choose your battles - start addressing the big problems in the relationship and stop picking at him for the little things

Ok I totally take back the 'welcome to marriage' part after reading the updates.

My DH wouldnt do those things.

That's not marriage that's your DH being an arsehole and that's going to ruin the marriage if it hasn't already.

Time for an impartial third party and you two finding a new more caring and productive way to communicate.

To be honest, the updates are much more annoying than the spoon in the sink thing and the helium balloon incident, so not sure why you didn’t start off with those examples?

My FH never wipes the sink or the kitchen surfaces. It does annoy me, but I guess he compensated on other ways. I can’t imagine picking him up about not changing a loo roll either. He would think I’d gone mad.

From all your examples, the eating thing would annoy me the most by far and I would definitely say something about that. The rest of it, I would just let slide, to be honest.